What have I done.

[SadBarney]

Hi all,
I don’t really post on forums, but I’ve been up all night and feel like I have nowhere to turn. My wife and I have been together for 25 years married when we were 21 and 25 – we’re best friends, have built a beautiful home together, and we have three amazing children who are our whole world. Our youngest son 7 years old adores me, and every parent at school tells me I’m a great dad. I work hard, she works hard – we’ve really tried to build a life.

But there’s been a problem in our relationship for a long time – I suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of and struggled to deal with, and because of that, I’ve held back from intimacy altogether. She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Over the years she’s had multiple affairs, and recently she told me she can’t keep hurting me or living like this anymore. She says it’s not fair on either of us and that when I touch her now, it feels wrong to her.

We’re giving it six months while I find a better job – I’m between roles at the moment – and the plan is that she stays in the house with the kids and I find a small flat nearby so I can still see them as much as possible. She says the kids will be fine, but I’m heartbroken. I still love her deeply, and despite everything, I know I’ve failed her in that one part of our marriage. I can’t blame her. But it hurts more than I can put into words.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or someone who’s been through anything similar. I feel like less of a man. Like I’ve let everyone down. I know I’m a good dad and a decent person, but right now I just feel broken.

Thanks for reading.

No, I’m not. I’m pointing out the absurdity of his choices.

You told him no woman would put up with his “nonsense” after HE was cheated on.

You are on this thread just to provoke people, but do not like it when anybody stands up to you.

you made a huge mistake (every single day) by ignoring this issue.

You are ignoring the issue again now and letting your wife call the shots with the break up. Get proper legal and financial advice and stop putting your head in the sand.

You need to wake up and be the best parent you can be for your children, stop ignoring things and just get your act together.

She might come back and maybe you can even repair it. Anything is possible and people come back from the very verge and have a good marriage again.

I know you are upset.
but
Stop flailing.

My heart truly goes out to you.

Your wife is being quite selfish by doing as she is and you have enabled her negative traits over the years due to what you perceive as your deficit.

You should tell your wife that actually she can move out of the family home and you will stay there with the children

Currently she has everything just as she wants it and you are making that easy for her

Sure you don’t want to make life hard but you could always put that headache of finding alternative accommodation in her court

Id bet my life she has another man on the go

If she valued the children and family as much as you she would not have had repeated affairs - regardless of your bedroom problems- and anyway you can buy viagra online now so you don’t even need to talk to a GP etc

No woman would put up with him having a problem and then refusing to address it at any cost and that’s entirely beside the point of his wife’s infidelity which we don’t even know if it was hidden or not.

He already know la this, jeez🙄 his wife also did terrible things. No way I would have affairs, whatever the situation.

Op, don’t beat yourself up, it will get you nowhere. Get what you’re owed from the marriage, get a house that can accommodate the kids and have them as much as you can.

At this point apportioning blame is pointless you just have to try and get a fair outcome for both of you financially and be friendly coparents if you can.
You need legal advice it is possible to have a more even financial split but delay the sale until a future date eg children 18 or she cohabits. That way you aren’t giving up your share forever. It’s an option one if you can’t buy the other out or you can’t afford 2 houses but does make it harder for you to start over.
I’m also suspicious of why she wants to delay the legal side until you get a new job.
she’s had time to think things through - make sure you give yourself the same opportunity and don’t make rushed decisions about money or children.

Stop being so pointlessly mean. Youre like a dog with a bone. He knows his mistakes, are you getting a kick out of continually sticking the boot in. You’re not nice.

Book an appointment asap with GP, speak to them! Find out what the treatment is and start it. Sit your wife down and ask her if she wants out of the marriage or to try get the intimacy back, explain you’ve been too ashamed to go for help for PE and her affairs didn’t help neither.

Not seeking proper medical advice unfortunately is a deal breaker for her. I'm sorry to say your embarrassment was more important than her needs. If the sex wasn't working for her - why go through the motions? You turn into friends or flatmates and then it just feels awkward and dirty. Because you dont shag your flatmate or best friend. If it's some embarrassing secret you can't share with the gp then it does start to feel like that. It was never your priority to fix the biggest issue in your marriage. If you seen the gp and tried then you could have talked about what happens next but you didn't even try to fix it. Just hoped she would put up and ignore it.

Although I do feel for you honestly and not saying this to put the boot in. It's the reality.

Anyone supporting someone who has has multiple affairs instead of either fixing or ending their relationship is wrong, on every level. There is absolutely no excuse to cheat on someone; whether they didn’t put 100% effort in or not. Not happy? Leave. Don’t string someone along while jumping into another persons arms then saying sorry, then repeat.

Mate, you wife sounds like a total bitch.. I’m sorry you probably don’t want to hear that. But she’s played you for an absolute mug. Multiple affairs? Why have you put up with that?

Get yourself down the GP, start some treatment for the PE, get yourself sorted so you’re in a place where you can have your kids properly and continue to be a great dad.. then move on. One day you’ll meet someone who will appreciate you for you and not what’s going on downstairs; and they won’t cheat on you ☺️

Op has been acknowledging your and others' posts and replying politely, but when PPs have accused you of being nasty , you can't do the same .

Making his wife into the villain and making the OP into a powerless victim helps no-one. The OP is not taking agency for his own life.

'feel like I have nowhere to turn' and 'She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it' are failing to take responsibility for his own part in this. There are the medical, psychosexual and psychotherapeutic routes but the OP has accessed none of them.

I do feel for him but encouraging him to believe it's all his wife's fault will just keep him stuck.

You blame a man with a medical condition and call him selfish for her having affairs? Well can’t agree with you there. Also, do you really need to kick the man when he’s down?

All credibility she may have had completely disappeared when she cheated on her husband . There isn’t any excuse for that behaviour. Ever. He didn’t choose to have his condition. She chose to cheat - repeatedly:

In sickness and in health and all that. Or just when it’s convenient? Or how about ‘forsaking all others …be faithful’. Or does that one not count either? Good times and in bad? Guess that one doesn’t apply either?

No I called him selfish for not taking control of his problem and instead prioritising his embarrassment over his entire marriage.

Gotcha. Guess a medial
condition isnt the exception.

Since we don’t know I certainly hope she made it clear she wasn’t happy and expected him to sort it before she had the affairs then?

The OP actually said she told him many times she needed the closeness.

I'm usually all for the women leaving their partners but op she wants to end it, she's the one who, cheat so it should be you staying out.

You seem like a lovely man, who thinks it's best to put your children first and you think that it would be by letting them remain in the house with her. But what about you? Your kids need a strong you! Honestly, things are shit now and probably will be for a while but you need to plan ahead and please don't be the one to make all the sacrifices and miss out.

You have been so brave opening up on your issues and she's not the one for you if she'd treat you this way. You need to love yourself, your children and hopefully in time you will be loved by some one you deserve.

What's horrible about being honest?

The OP posted on a forum viewed by countless people, mainly women, so it's expected that not everyone will feel sympathy for him when the fact is, he buried his head in the sand, neglected his wife's needs and understandably, his wife has reached the end of her tether.

@Fusedspur FWIW, I don't think you're being horrible at all. The OP's wife isn't bathed in glory for having multiple affairs, BUT, he's done nothing to address something that can be fixed, so why should she be denied of sex and intimacy when it's on him to do something to address the problem.

You reap what you sow springs to mind OP. It must be a shit situation to be in, but you chose to ignore it, and now it's too late.

There's "being honest" and there's gleefully repeating the same thing over and over and pretending to be astounded that someone could find themselves in a position that was delicate and nuanced and making them unhappy and uncomfortable.

I too don’t understand why you didn’t seek medical help when there was so much to lose.

It’s so easily treatable 🙈