Page 9 | Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

Gnarly999 · 2025-02-10T14:33:09+00:00

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here.. I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him. After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us! I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless. what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave? I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

YourAzureEagle · 10/02/2025 22:41

Man here, sorry you are going through this OP, I found out my other half was cheating before xmas, its a horrid thing a breakup without the complication of little ones.

I second what others say, that it is really rather rare for men to clear off without another woman in the mix - if he's away working a lot, this makes that much easier for him to hide.

Booboobagins · 10/02/2025 22:41

@Gnarly999 sending you a big hug. You know you deserve better than he can give you. Let the AH go. Make sure you get your fair share of income from him and engage someone to help you with the kids so you can fund some time for you.

This is your life don't spend it with someone who doesn't love you or care for you (or their kids).

Good luck xxx

Gonewiththeleaves · 10/02/2025 22:46

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am 1 year out the other side of my husband saying very similar things and the rewriting of our history to deem us so unhappy for so long which was all to allow him to feel less guilty about the other woman.

I was left pregnant and parenting my ND 6 year old. Things got better but it really did take time and for a while I was just surviving, one foot in front of the other, hour by hour. You are stronger than you think.

I didn't get things turning around until I started talking to people, friends, family, neighbours (still hoping he would come back stupidly) and bit by bit they propped me up and I not only survived but now I'm thriving.

Get some good legal advice as PPs have said and one thing my lawyer told me was that he doesn't give a shit about you now so you have to fight for what you and your children deserve.

StMarie4me · 10/02/2025 22:48

Make sure he understands that he will still have fatherly responsibilities and will have to focus on his children for whatever time is agreed.

He doesn't get walk away, the bastard.

YourAzureEagle · 10/02/2025 22:50

Gonewiththeleaves · 10/02/2025 22:46

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am 1 year out the other side of my husband saying very similar things and the rewriting of our history to deem us so unhappy for so long which was all to allow him to feel less guilty about the other woman.

I was left pregnant and parenting my ND 6 year old. Things got better but it really did take time and for a while I was just surviving, one foot in front of the other, hour by hour. You are stronger than you think.

I didn't get things turning around until I started talking to people, friends, family, neighbours (still hoping he would come back stupidly) and bit by bit they propped me up and I not only survived but now I'm thriving.

Get some good legal advice as PPs have said and one thing my lawyer told me was that he doesn't give a shit about you now so you have to fight for what you and your children deserve.

Yep, it's textbook and what my wife did, making out things were not good, its a psychological trick to make themselves less guilty and you less hurt.

It will get better OP, I'm 3 months in and feel much better already - the shock will subside, then you go through a rollercoaster of emotions, then you are just plain pissed off, at which point the flame of love is going out and apathy replaces it.

Don't lower yourself to trying to get him back, take the bugger for every penny you can, he's got CMS for three to pay for a long long time😀, and some of his pension, lets hope the new woman has some money to keep the turd floating.

Original poster

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 22:53

SereneCapybara · 10/02/2025 14:53

You both need to calm down. You both need to acknowledge that no one is at their best with a new baby, let alone three preschoolers. Everyone is ratty, exhausted, unable to focus on their own needs.

Ask him how he'd feel if you told him that you were leaving him and the children. That you were leaving him with sole responsibility for those three lives. If he thinks he'd find it hard to cope, why does he think it's okay to land this burden and stress on you when you are already so clearly stressed and exhausted. Point out that this would be cowardly, selfish and brutal and if he does this knowingly after you have explained how cruel it would be, it could push you over the edge.

He needs to man up and understand he is a father with commitments, not a single man who can skip off if things aren't easy. You both need to make an effort to look after yourselves and each other, as well as your children.

You say you have money. Then please at very least get a cleaner and a Mother's Help or housekeeper or part time nanny, who can look after the children for at least one or two days a week while you take time for yourself. Go out on dates with each other, where you actually do things you used to enjoy together - music gigs or comedy or skating or watching live sport - whatever you used to have in common.

When he mentions the rows, mention the good times. Explain the reality to him of splitting up just because you are both exhausted. He will need a second home so he can have the children half the time, and you can get a job. His standard of living will plummet and so will his children's. Is this what he wants for them? What does he want for them? Two smaller, cramped homes? The children would be shunted around between childcare and two homes and only ever have one parent around to deal with all three of them, which will make them needier and more difficult and insecure. Can he think of an alternative? Is he aware these tough times don't last forever? Is he really so wimpy he can't cope with hardship for a while?

Far better to behave like responsible, loving adults, capable of riding out the storm of the hardest time in a marriage, and have fun together as a family at weekends, have a date once every weekend, give each other a few hours each week (eg half a day each weekend) to do what you want - to lie on or see friends or get hair done or watch sport. Put some serious effort in supporting and honouring each other as people and as fellow parents. And equal effort into being excellent parents.

If I was married to a man who wasn't prepared to make that effort and chose to walk away instead, if he was that much of a selfish coward, I would get the most powerful lawyer I could find and squeeze him for every penny without a moment's guilt.

Edited

Thank you everyone! I’m still reading though everything, it’s so helpful to feel like I can talk! I was literally shaking with pain and panic last night, but feel slightly calmer now.

This is how I feel, like we just need to figure this out, I wish he would too! There’s so many positive practical changes we could make. I think you articulated if far better than I could so I actually screen shot this and sent it to him, he’s not bothered to read it yet..

This evening I suggested (as many suggested on here), that if we do split then I will want to go back to work and he will have the kids more than the odd weekend. His answer infuriated me, he said “sure, sounds good”. So calmly, like it was nothing! I asked how he’d cope, given that he struggles alone with the oldest two and when he takes over with all three (so I can wash or go for a little run), all hell is breaking loose and he gets so so stressed and shouts at them. He said he could do anything he puts his mind to, as if I’m just being pathetic that I’m struggling. When I asked how he’d juggle work, as he’d be working less and not able to travel, he said he’d just hire and full time nanny and it wouldn’t be a problem. Said so coldly like
he couldn’t care less.

He’s now saying he wants space this week and will stay at his mum and dads one or two nights and he’s already travelling for work one night too, and that he’d think about what he’s going to do, and then tell me his decision on Friday. Valentine’s Day!! It’s going to be an agonising week!

OP posts:

YourAzureEagle · 10/02/2025 22:57

Don't wait for his decision OP, that's putting power in his court, tell him you are done with him, call his bluff. Take the reins.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2025 22:58

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 22:53

Thank you everyone! I’m still reading though everything, it’s so helpful to feel like I can talk! I was literally shaking with pain and panic last night, but feel slightly calmer now.

This is how I feel, like we just need to figure this out, I wish he would too! There’s so many positive practical changes we could make. I think you articulated if far better than I could so I actually screen shot this and sent it to him, he’s not bothered to read it yet..

This evening I suggested (as many suggested on here), that if we do split then I will want to go back to work and he will have the kids more than the odd weekend. His answer infuriated me, he said “sure, sounds good”. So calmly, like it was nothing! I asked how he’d cope, given that he struggles alone with the oldest two and when he takes over with all three (so I can wash or go for a little run), all hell is breaking loose and he gets so so stressed and shouts at them. He said he could do anything he puts his mind to, as if I’m just being pathetic that I’m struggling. When I asked how he’d juggle work, as he’d be working less and not able to travel, he said he’d just hire and full time nanny and it wouldn’t be a problem. Said so coldly like
he couldn’t care less.

He’s now saying he wants space this week and will stay at his mum and dads one or two nights and he’s already travelling for work one night too, and that he’d think about what he’s going to do, and then tell me his decision on Friday. Valentine’s Day!! It’s going to be an agonising week!

Show quote history

Don't wait for his decision. He's clearly done with the marriage.

Kisskiss · 10/02/2025 23:04

You’re panicking, are you sure you want to be with him????? Does he give you affection?? What are you getting from this marriage ? Don’t stay or try to make him stay because you’re afraid of the alternativr

Original poster

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 23:05

SabreToothTigerLilly · 10/02/2025 16:00

So sorry you're going through this, I understand how difficult it can be (my ExH left when the kids were 4mths, 2 and 6).

I had the whole 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', 'you've treated me like a c**t for years now, and the wonderfully selfish 'I need to focus on myself'...

He was having an affair and left us to be with her.

I thought I would crumble, and I did for the first couple of weeks, but then I just tried to take it one day at a time, while also keeping an eye on the future and a compiling a vague plan.

Obviously, we don't know whether your DH has someone else, but as others have said, when they start treating you so dreadfully, it can mean that they have had their head turned. I think in my ExH's case, he couldn't cope with the responsibility of parenthood and not being the centre of attention shallow tw@t.

I know you said that you don't want to tell your friends because it would make it feel real, but what is happening to you is real, and you need real-life support. I got huge support from Mumsnetters at the time, but I also really needed a real life hug.

Wow this sounds so similar! So sorry you’ve been through this!!
Interesting that you ex couldn’t stand not being the center of attention, my husband is a bit like that too. Lots of focus on working out and checking out his six pack in the mirror, and loves when everyone looks at him while he’s driving a nice car, he always tells me that, I personally find it embarrassing!

OP posts:

Woodenbeams · 10/02/2025 23:11

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2025 15:53

Do you think no mother works with 3 kids under 4? I do, it's perfectly possible.

OP needs some financial independence. Thinking about work is reasonable.

Show quote history

Getting a job would be a foolish move for OP. Courts wont expect her to work for years yet, and it would only lessen the amount she got.

I know people who cut their hours as divorce loomed- not increased them.

Marriage is the protection she needs as a sahm.

3 kids in nursery full time is £6k a month in London.

you may work full time with 3 kids under 4, but you won’t be seeing much of them. And you wont have time for much else.

TwinklySquid · 10/02/2025 23:13

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 23:05

Wow this sounds so similar! So sorry you’ve been through this!!
Interesting that you ex couldn’t stand not being the center of attention, my husband is a bit like that too. Lots of focus on working out and checking out his six pack in the mirror, and loves when everyone looks at him while he’s driving a nice car, he always tells me that, I personally find it embarrassing!

Show quote history

You need to see a solicitor asap! Get a friend to have the kids or even do a call to a solicitor . He’s already made his decision. He’s done.

You need you get yourself ready. Get angry. Put energy into making sure you and the kids are fine as by the sounds of it, he isn’t to be relied on. Who buggers off to leave his partner with children to cope alone? A dick, that’s who.

Imagine the look on his face when he comes back on Friday when you hand him divorce papers . He won’t expect it. Take control back.

As others have said, I suspect he has another woman. Or at least believes he has the chance with one.

It’s going to be scary but put that fear into something useful- being active.

NiftyKoala · 10/02/2025 23:16

That he'll tell you on Valentine's! OP get your ducks in a row and send him on his way.

Bambiisasillybilly · 10/02/2025 23:17

You deserve better. Do you have a friend you can go out with on Friday instead of waiting for him? That's what he wants, you waiting for his answer. Ask your mum if she can look after the kids. Don't give him an audience and don't enable him by waiting.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2025 23:18

Woodenbeams · 10/02/2025 23:11

Getting a job would be a foolish move for OP. Courts wont expect her to work for years yet, and it would only lessen the amount she got.

I know people who cut their hours as divorce loomed- not increased them.

Marriage is the protection she needs as a sahm.

3 kids in nursery full time is £6k a month in London.

you may work full time with 3 kids under 4, but you won’t be seeing much of them. And you wont have time for much else.

Show quote history

But it makes her incredibly vulnerable in the meantime, especially if he decides to stop paying his salary into the joint account and/or decides to clear out the joint account. Divorce takes time.

I'm aware of the nursery costs in London. Though, OP doesn't have to work full time or even use a nursery.

I see plenty of them and also have time for other things.

justasking111 · 10/02/2025 23:21

I'd kill my sons if they'd done something like this. It's going to be an awful shock for the in laws I suspect

everychildmatters · 10/02/2025 23:24

I totally agree with @SouthLondonMum22 as my ex-husband pretty much left me penniless when I left (wiped out accounts/hid money etc).
I am so glad I had a job so I could put food on the table for my kids and privately rent a home. I didn't get a penny from him.
Divorce took 5 years as ex contested it!!! 😆

Shera12 · 10/02/2025 23:30

50/50 is shitty for the kids. Sorry but it is.

everychildmatters · 10/02/2025 23:31

@Shera12 Agreed, but the family courts like it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/02/2025 23:35

SereneCapybara · 10/02/2025 14:53

You both need to calm down. You both need to acknowledge that no one is at their best with a new baby, let alone three preschoolers. Everyone is ratty, exhausted, unable to focus on their own needs.

Ask him how he'd feel if you told him that you were leaving him and the children. That you were leaving him with sole responsibility for those three lives. If he thinks he'd find it hard to cope, why does he think it's okay to land this burden and stress on you when you are already so clearly stressed and exhausted. Point out that this would be cowardly, selfish and brutal and if he does this knowingly after you have explained how cruel it would be, it could push you over the edge.

He needs to man up and understand he is a father with commitments, not a single man who can skip off if things aren't easy. You both need to make an effort to look after yourselves and each other, as well as your children.

You say you have money. Then please at very least get a cleaner and a Mother's Help or housekeeper or part time nanny, who can look after the children for at least one or two days a week while you take time for yourself. Go out on dates with each other, where you actually do things you used to enjoy together - music gigs or comedy or skating or watching live sport - whatever you used to have in common.

When he mentions the rows, mention the good times. Explain the reality to him of splitting up just because you are both exhausted. He will need a second home so he can have the children half the time, and you can get a job. His standard of living will plummet and so will his children's. Is this what he wants for them? What does he want for them? Two smaller, cramped homes? The children would be shunted around between childcare and two homes and only ever have one parent around to deal with all three of them, which will make them needier and more difficult and insecure. Can he think of an alternative? Is he aware these tough times don't last forever? Is he really so wimpy he can't cope with hardship for a while?

Far better to behave like responsible, loving adults, capable of riding out the storm of the hardest time in a marriage, and have fun together as a family at weekends, have a date once every weekend, give each other a few hours each week (eg half a day each weekend) to do what you want - to lie on or see friends or get hair done or watch sport. Put some serious effort in supporting and honouring each other as people and as fellow parents. And equal effort into being excellent parents.

If I was married to a man who wasn't prepared to make that effort and chose to walk away instead, if he was that much of a selfish coward, I would get the most powerful lawyer I could find and squeeze him for every penny without a moment's guilt.

Edited

This would all be great advice if he'd given her any indication his mind wasn't made up, but he's been clear he's made his decision and I would bet everything on there being another woman lined up - it's 'the script' and bringing up the past is to convince you and himself you're a bad wife and this isn't his fault

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 23:36

He's calm about the prospect of caring for the kids because he's going to dump the workload on the kids, or he already has the "nanny" lined up. What an arsehole.

NZDreaming · 10/02/2025 23:36

@Gnarly999 from his comments this evening it sounds very much like he’s made up his mind. If getting a nanny and working less are easy options then he would be suggesting such things to help improve the marriage but he’s not. He might have someone lined up, he might not, either way he’s already given up and checked out. The fact he’s unwilling to engage in any meaningful conversation about rectifying the situation tells you all you need to know. He doesn’t want the life you built together and as hard as it is you need to face the reality of that. Tell people in real life, take advice on protecting yourself financially and legally. He’s not your friend anymore, he’s looking out for himself and you can’t trust him to honour any commitments he has made or may make going forward.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/02/2025 23:37

wrongthinker · 10/02/2025 15:15

Sorry, OP, it's likely there will be another woman on the scene. Men rarely leave without having someone else lined up.

Get yourself a good lawyer. And tell him it's 50/50 custody. He's free to leave you, but he's not free to leave his children.

I don't think she'll want to leave a baby with someone who works insane hours, clearly has a mistress and baby isn't used to being put to bed by him

cherish123 · 10/02/2025 23:37

DeepRoseFish · 10/02/2025 15:21

She’s got 3 kids under 4 years old!!! Work is the last thing she needs to be thinking about right now. I'm sure she’s already working her ass off.

Divorce him asap while you are still a stay at home mum with a young baby OP and you’ll get a bigger financial settlement. You won’t be expected to work just yet.

Oh and what a complete and utter bastard he is!!!! I’m so sorry OP. Unfortunately there are lots of feckless men like this out there.

Show quote history

Work may be the last thing she feels like but, realistically, she needs to get a job or the dole.

Original poster

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 23:38

BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2025 18:20

He doesn’t sound like a “good guy” to me op. Why are you defending him?

It’s a good point.
throughout all this I always thought he was a good person, reading all this, seeing it through all your eyes, it’s the first time I’m considering that maybe I’ve always been wrong about him.
He’s done some other grim stuff in the past too, but I always try and rationalise.

OP posts: