Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

My DH said to me with a one year old and an 8 week old that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I completely agreed with him and I packed a bag and left for 2 days to my friend's house. If he didn't want to be with me, he could be happily single whilst looking after the children and juggling work.

I went home after 2 days and he said he had changed his mind and wanted to stay together.

Together quite happily 9 years later... he was just working, stressed and really really tired.

Men are just weak.

@Unreal94 you are awesome.

The years between 0 and 8 for patenting are the hardest

I hope you get positive help on here to save your marriage

Sound so stressful, so not excusing him
But masturbation is a release from stress/ comfort / I hope he's not to crucified on here for this

Make it clear you want 50:50 parental care so you can return to work and thus he would either need to pay for a p/t nanny to cover his responsibilities or reduce his work.

At least try counselling? Try relate. But if it’s gone it’s gone- not sure you sound convinced either just shocked at the reality now facing break up

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1477537

The Incredible Years 0-8
Brilliant book

Agreed with earlier poster ......men are weak

This is brilliant.

No matter how this turns out op, remember one thing:

• He was ready to leave you with 3 under 4

He was fine with that.

Never ever be dependent on a man again. Never. Because they easily walk away from three small dependent children. Easily

This

It is hard being a SAHM, really stressful to take the whole burdon on. Your husband has little clue as it is your domain.

It is also very stressful being the sole bread winner. You say - we have enough money anyway - as if him working is not the reason.

After arguing so much - do you mean that you can not communicate except to argue?
You both seem to be at the end of your tether and at your worst. If you want your marriage to have another chance you both need to change your communication firstly.
Speak respectfully and calmly. Some mediation and couples counselling might work. Outsourcing some cleaning might work. Taking more days walking out as a family, maybe.

Very few men working long hours will have dc in the week. Why would they? Simply isn’t going to happen. Why use the dc as bargaining chips? It’s unpleasant for them to be used this way. They should see their dad but he won’t look after them in the week. It’s fantasy to think he will. The op should begin to accept she’s got parental responsibility. He needs to pay her for that role. He would just pay a nursery and childcare if he had dc anyway or employ a nanny. Why would that be better. The frequently used arrangement is 5 nights with dad and 9 nights with mum. However even this can work against dc if they have other things they would rather do and dad has a 2 bed flat.

Agree

It’s not ‘desperate’, ‘weak’ or ‘begging’ to try and salvage a marriage with three young children. It’s the sensible thing to do. If he’s at all open to marriage counselling that’s what I’d aim for. Of course if he’s not willing, or he’s met someone else, then it’s over and you can’t do anything about that. But I’d offer counselling to see if the marriage can get through what for every marriage is a really really tough stage.

I also don’t know why people keep saying how hard 50/50 will be for him, he won’t take it. The stepmum board is full of dads who don’t see their existing children more than
once a fortnight but are having more children anyway. There’s a post up right now about a man who sees his children once a month. Men can and do absolutely walk away.

Wanking is fine, wanking in the KITCHEN when there are children in the house is absolutely disgusting.

I didn't read the updates, but last post put me off my crisps.

Mmm, this must be why they have so little power in the world.

Tell him you will go for 50:50. Make sure he does his full share. You will need to work to support yourself so will need him to step up so you have time to do that. He probably thinks he can swan off into the distance and you'll pick everything up for him but make it clear he is just as responsible for those kids as you are.

Arrange a nanny for the time he doesn't deal if he refuses.

Tell him you’ll be asking for 50 /50 as soon as he leaves, he needs to make childcare arrangements for his half of the week. I bet that’ll slow down his exit.

My friend had a life like this third baby came along. Husband away a lot. Both so miserable. They sat down and discussed it. He packed in the job found a local one, less money. It saved their marriage.

I've been on MN for 25 years and noticed that the third baby can be the straw that broke the camels back so often. It's just so bloody hard.

Brilliant plan until he says no. Why do so many women think they can save a marriage by threatening their DH with looking after the kids? He can just say no.

I’ve fantasised about doing this, and wondered what would happen if a woman did something like this.

Tell him, “I don’t want to live like this any more,” and “I’m so stressed” and disappear for a few days and leave the children.

Without him knowing, make an appointment as soon as you can with a solicitor. Phone round to find one you like the sound of. Find and copy all papers dealing with bank, pension, mortgage, salary, savings etc. Copy all text messages on phones and others. With all this information with the solicitor, you will know how you and DC will stand for the future.

Three kids under 4 is incredibly stressful. I know it takes two to tango but was it a mutual decision to have 3 and so close together? I’m just wondering if it isn’t about you or even another specific woman as such - simply that he regrets family life with young children (or rather he selfishly regrets the time they take from him rather than the kids themselves) and so is having “the grass is always greener” visions of a divorced life where he gets to do whatever he wants/has all the time to himself except for at every other weekend 😡

I truly hope that is not the case - but I find some men almost “go along” with having children as they feel that is what they are supposed to do once married/in a LTR. But when the realities of now having no time to yourself (at least throughout the earlier years) hits them, they think they can bow out of parenting/family life in a way most women generally don’t get to. He ideally should have considered that after the first child though!

Sorry if that all sounds horribly sexist - it’s just some of the things you mentioned (Only Fans, wanking in the kitchen! but not interested in sex with his partner) make him sound like he’s acting more like a teenage boy again- rather than a man having a RL affair to me.

That still doesn’t help you save the marriage though. I suppose you could offer to go back into the workforce sooner once DC3 is weaned? Not what you ideally wanted for your kids as a SAHM I know, but it would do the double whammy of giving you some financial protection if it did come to divorce - plus as the likely higher earner, him having to pay two lots of nursery costs (plus after school care fees etc) might give him a nasty shock.