Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Urgh don’t wait around for him to tell you his decision, OP. Just fuck him off.

I think she'd be better off saying 'ok I'm off to Thailand for three weeks to mend my broken heart good luck with the kids' if she isn't worried he'll use this to steal them from her

Just to clear up the money point, I actually have another property that I bought before we were married, and now have income from that. It would of course hurt financially, but I’m at least lucky I wouldn’t have to work straight away. At some point I’d probably want to go back to work, but would probably prioritise supporting the kids and trying to create stability for them.

Honestly the absolute audacity of these pricks

i think she’d be better off speaking to a solicitor first. She not vulnerable but in a good position.

He’d be a very silly man if he refused to pay. Judges can be punitive in awarding settlements.

OPs DH sounds like a high earner- so someone with a lot to lose by behaving badly. if he doesn’t pay the mortgage and it’s repossessed, he loses the equity in the home. He’d then have to cough up a larger part of his pension.

And on the working full time with 3 kids…If you work 40 hours a week you are seeing a lot less of your kids than a sahp ( no judgement- I was back at work after 3 months with my first DC)

If you wfh with your kids then they aren’t getting great quality time with you.

You can’t have it all. No one can. And anyone suggesting they do is talking nonsense.

I think this should actually be illegal it’s so bad.

He's told her he's leaving her and doesn't want her. This is awful advice for her. Might be good advice for him though.

Oh my love, he's totally checked out.

He sounds incredibly shallow and vain. If you were both willing, this situation would be fixable I think. But he's clearly not willing - you can't clap with only one hand.

Selfish men like this don't change - they thrive on attention and with children in the mix they simply can't stand to be displaced as the centre of your universe.

It's easy to think they're a 'good man' because they're providing financially - but it sounds like working away was a choice he made, putting financial gain over investing time in building his family and supporting you. As well as no doubt the opportunity to get attention from other women, and act like a single man when he's away.

Take back your power - don't sit worrying until Friday when honestly, I don't think it's going to be the 180 you're hoping for. Personally, if he's going to stay with his parents I'd drop the kids off with him there and go and get legal advice so you're prepared come Friday.

Ask him how is he going to cope on his own with 3 children under 4 that should buck his ideas up!

Oh yeah, she absolutely needs to speak to a solicitor. OP has updated that she has a different property in her name only which may be beneficial too.

I do see my kids less than a SAHM, of course I do but I don't 'hardly see' them and I'm still able to spend quality time with them which is what matters.

I WFH but they go to nursery. I can be incredibly flexible. I feel like I have it all and don't feel like I'm talking nonsense.

We wanted a third, but would have given it a few more years, until things calmed down. DC3 was indeed a surprise. I panicked a lot of the pregnancy wondering how I’d cope, but ultimately was very happy, and I love him to pieces! He’s such a blessing. My husband was away for work when I found out, I kept it to myself for a week until he returned, excited to tell him, his response was “oh fuck!!!”. I don’t know how it’s only tonight I’m putting all these pieces together! I suppose the warning signs have been there but I didn’t want to see them.

Don’t wait on tenterhooks until Friday OP. Call it now and take some control back. He has already left the marriage. It will take so much courage on your part - wish you well x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your head must be all over the place.

I got a very strong whiff of OW from your first post. I also thought I was married to a 'good man' who would never cheat on me, he worked away all the time and came home exhausted every weekend. Not surprised he was exhausted because it turned out there were actually 2 OW, one of whom he'd even had the nerve to introduce me and our DC to as a work colleague, the OW didn't know about each other.

I'm really sorry to say this but at this point divorce is likely to be unavoidable. He's checked out already. Please don't hide your head in the sand, hard as it might be to let go when it’s instinctive to try and work things out, because you don't want to give him the upper hand if you can possibly avoid it. You are doing this for your kids, their father has let you all down, please salvage what you can for them.

So practicalities, my ten pence worth, and there's a load of really good advice on here already:

Get a solicitor appointment asap.

Move as much joint money as possible into an account in your name only, your solicitor will advise you not to spend it, (don't) but it will stop him spending it if he can't access it. He might try to dispose of or hide assets.

While he's away this week, gather original paperwork - birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, bank statements, any investments etc. for all of you. Make copies and put them in a safe place, keep the originals where you can easily access them at short notice. Make a note of his NI number too, might come in useful to know it later.

Gather together all of his pension details if you can - the provider/s, contact details and policy numbers, as you don't want to give him chance to hide any (this happened to a friend, her ex claimed he hadn't got a pension, he worked in his family business so she couldn't prove it).

It doesn't sound as though he has any grounds on which to divorce you, but from what you've said you can use unreasonable behaviour to divorce him. Get copies of bank statements with the porn subscription payments on. Your solicitor will advise you on this.

Try to take control of the situation, decide what outcome you really want for your DC & yourself wrt access, bear in mind the greater % of time they're in your care, the more he'll have to pay you in CM, but the less 'freedom' you'll have. Also hold off on getting a job for now, you'll get a settlement that's more in your favour.

Never hold back on taking him for as much as you can, he's chosen this, not you, the selfish pr* isn't giving you or the DC a second thought.

Please confide in a RL friend, family member or neighbour, and see your GP if you think they can help too, you are going to need support on several levels while you get through this - but you will get through it, and you'll come out stronger than ever. You are worth it.

Good luck x

This, Exactly this.

This evening I suggested (as many suggested on here), that if we do split then I will want to go back to work and he will have the kids more than the odd weekend. His answer infuriated me, he said “sure, sounds good”. So calmly, like it was nothing! I asked how he’d cope, given that he struggles alone with the oldest two and when he takes over with all three (so I can wash or go for a little run), all hell is breaking loose and he gets so so stressed and shouts at them. He said he could do anything he puts his mind to, as if I’m just being pathetic that I’m struggling. When I asked how he’d juggle work, as he’d be working less and not able to travel, he said he’d just hire and full time nanny and it wouldn’t be a problem. Said so coldly like
he couldn’t care less.

@Gnarly999

He says this coldly and calmly because he knows you can't force him to do any of that. Even with a 50/50 court order (which many men agree to because it means no child maintenance) you can't force him. He'll begin finding reasons why his 3 or 4 days 'can't happen this week' so you take over, then more excuses for more days, and you keep taking over until you have them the majority of time. And all without maintenance unless you go CMS or back to court.

The talk of nanny etc is also another indicator that he's already thought all that through and so is ahead of you on this road. Please get yourself to a solicitor. Don't bury your head in the sand.

He’s now saying he wants space this week and will stay at his mum and dads one or two nights and he’s already travelling for work one night too, and that he’d think about what he’s going to do, and then tell me his decision on Friday. Valentine’s Day!! It’s going to be an agonising week!

Saying that he'd 'think about what he's going to do' just shows that he's only thinking of himself. But IMHO he's already made up his mind. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have made his 'announcement' with such certainty. Saying 'he'd think about it' is the ultimate cruelty, simultaneously giving you hope and shutting you up. Please don't get your hopes up. He isn't thinking about healing the marriage, he's thinking of the easiest way to extricate himself. Men hate 'scenes'.

Yes - I’m sure you do see them. And I’m saying this as a working parent, but you are being disingenuous with your flippant ‘I have 3 kids and I work full time- what’s the problem?’ Remark.

Its belittling to sahp and I’m sick of this holier than thou attitude that always comes out in these threads -
‘why did you give up your job?’ Or ‘ why did you marry someone who clearly didn’t want family life?’ Like posters have a crystal ball.

I can 100% guarantee you aren’t giving 100% to both. I’ve got 2 and I don’t. And you are flexing work round your kids, so you aren’t giving that the same attention you would without kids.

OP made a choice which is entirely sensible. She has 3 kids, and spends their early years with them. She did it within a marriage, so she is legally protected. 3 kids in full time nursery is roughly £6k a month. She’d need to earn a salary of more than £100k - just to break even.

on top of that - you think she needs to get into the workplace with a 6 month old baby at a time when her family is disintegrating?

I’m so sorry OP, I know this is devastating.

You’ve gotten some good advice here but also some really terrible. As some wise PP have said, you need to consult a solicitor immediately. Do that regardless of whether you think your DH is going to be amicable or if he says he doesn’t think you should; you can always stop working with them and proceed without but if you wait it can be difficult if not impossible to undo some missteps that they could have helped you avoid.

Beyond that, please stop anything that could be construed as using time with your DC as a threat (and for the love of God don’t put anything of the sort in text or voicemail). Firstly, there is simply no such thing as “insisting on shared custody.” There is absolutely no legal mechanism to force a parent to have contact with their children much less 50/50, as much as passionate mumsnetters like say otherwise. Second, you don’t actually want that because you have a four-month-old and aren’t the type of mum who acts against the best interests of her infant or toddlers to spite her ex. If you came on here and posted that your soon-to-be-ex was insisting you send your 4-month-old to him 3-4 nights per week posters would call him a monster and encourage you to fight it in court. You don’t actually want him to say “ok, I’ll have them 50/50” so don’t put that out there and let him call your bluff. Last, if he decides to fight you for more custody than you want to agree to then he could use any statements like that to bolster his argument. He knows all this, and his response to you was frankly very smart (this isn’t praise of his character, but from his perspective it was tactically wise).

Solicitor, right away. Disengage from him until you’ve gotten legal advice.

I don't have a holier than thou attitude at all. Of course OP didn't know that this was going to happen.

Once you reach a certain level at my company, you are able to be much more flexible with or without kids. I'd be in the same position even if I didn't have them but it is why I didn't have them until becoming more senior.

I never said that she should put her kids in full time nursery, other childcare exists and part time also exists. I know how much 3 kids in full time nursery costs funnily enough.

OP has some separate income from rental property so not so much now knowing that but if she only had to rely on him still having his salary paid into the joint account and not clearing it out? Absolutely. Divorce settlements don't magically happen overnight.

When he says 'nanny' he probably really means 'new girlfriend'.

In time to come you will appreciate him being his 'true' self right now & showing you how he isn't all that great - at all.

This site will give you lots of options of action to take to give you the best chance of keeping your relationship with him [assuming you'd want to] or exiting with your self esteem intact.

This is the script isn't it?

There's another woman,she very likely works with him/is connected with his job,is single and doesn't have children yet so probably younger.

How old is he?

OP I've just caught your updates
No happy husband says 'oh fuck' to his wife's pregnancy announcement unless he doesn't want his mistress to know.
It's the classic we're not having sex situation. He'll have reeled her in with that one.

I'm glad you've got independent money, you are in a better position than most.
If you are a professional you will be able to work around your DC. Both my children went to prep nursery at 3 and my father was their Nanny before that. It might be an idea for you to consider a nanny if it makes financial sense.

Your husband is a selfish arsehole. No one with a ounce of decency would behave like this to his wife.
I hope you've spoken to a solicitor and a friend/family.

Well said WoodenBeams. SouthLondonMummy for whatever reason you have some odd anti SAHM agenda going on. Your advice to this poor woman to “get back to work” in these circumstances is ridiculous. Are you some sort of arch capitalist who only believes people have worth if they earn money?

Those of us that are older and out the other side have a clearer view. Majority of my friends me included took a few years out when kids were small. Everyone back at work now they are teens in decent jobs and professions..

I am left wondering is he going to stay with his parents?

Was this when his behaviour started to change?

My ExH was not happy when I got pregnant with our third and wanted me to abort the baby but I couldn’t go through with it.

It was about six weeks after that, that he had his first affair and things went downhill from there.

Everything appeared okay with us until I got pregnant. It took a while for me realise he’d actually been a selfish prick for a while and I’d been minimising his behaviour.

Reading the updates I'd bet my house there's someone else tangled up in this. Time to step up and take control - he's currently calling all the shots! Let him go off and have his alone time and use this time to get the paperwork side in order. Whilst he's away for work give his parents a call to keep them in the loop, make sure you announce he's coming to stay with them as he needs space - he's not staying with them btw and this will help them know and give you another piece of the jigsaw - this is when your likely to see the real person you've married. By the time Friday comes you'll had armed yourself with enough financial information and regained some control. Sadly it sounds like he's planned this all for some time and actually sounds quite selfish! You're already doing the lions share of parenting and you'll be surprised how much strength you have at times like these. Speak to a trusted friend, you need some real life support around you. I'll always remember a very good friend saying to me - there's more to come.. she was right, it just kept on giving but I'm here to tell the tale far better off than I've ever been and you will be one day to!