Page 7 | Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

Gnarly999 · 2025-02-10T14:33:09+00:00

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here.. I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him. After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us! I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless. what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave? I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

DoYouReally · 10/02/2025 19:38

Can I ask a different question? What do you want him for?

A man too clueless to realise that 3 under 4 is going to change your lives and be the most stressful time in your marriage until they are a little older?

A man who goes straight to divorce rather than discussion, improvement or even counselling?

A man who works away a lot so everything domestically and child are wise falls to you?

What will you be missing out in because right now you have no domestic emotional support l? Him leaving you won't change this.

Financially you do will do well in the divorce too.

My best advice is get a solicitor immediately. Then get your absolute best performance in front of a judge ready! I give up my career, my financial growth, my pension, my life, because I thought we were united. We made every decision together. If I had thought for just one second, that we weren't rock solid, I would have make different choices judge. I would have done things differently to ensure that my children were fully looked after even without him. A dingle mother of 3 under 4, I can't provide gor them- they need looking after. Even if I return to work when they are older, I'll never secure the salary I would have if I hadn't taken time out to be a SAHM etc.

Lay it on as thick and ensure that he has to provide for you and you children heavily.

Whatdafudge · 10/02/2025 19:42

I don’t really know what to say but wanted to write something. My heart really breaks for you. That’s so hard. You can’t force someone to stay so just know it’s him and he has done a real number on you and it’s really unacceptable for him to bounce out on the relationship like this 6months pp with the other two kids so young too. Xx

jumpintheline · 10/02/2025 19:42

BustyLaRoux · 10/02/2025 18:33

Oh OP, he sounds pretty grim. I have no issue with people wanking. But looking at models in bed while you’re there feeding the baby next to him. Then scuttling off for a shufty IN THE KITCHEN?! Good lord. Paying for Only Fans accounts (multiple!)….. I’m sorry but none of that is very respectful. And I am a liberal person when it comes to such matters. But that would give me the ick big time. Like others have said it sounds very much like the script for him seeing another woman. Or at least wanting to. It’s not for me to say leave him, or fight for him. That’s up to you. But I do think you deserve better than what he is currently giving you. Basically openly disrespecting you, possibly having an affair or wanting to, being snappy, threatening to abandon you, saying he doesn’t fancy you….. massive tosser (pardon the pun!) really. I’d be tempted to turn the tables and say he needs to leave!

All of this.

He doesn’t sound like a nice person OP.

MumoftwoGranofone · 10/02/2025 19:46

OP, the info in your latest post makes me think this is a man who is already looking elsewhere even if he isn't having an affair. It is one thing to masturbate but quite another to pay a subscription so you can watch porn and masturbate while your wife is pregnant. Perhaps you should start divorce proceedings against him. Don't be controlled by him and his desires. He sounds pathetic and weak. You are strong! You are managing three small children, a home, you're a you've got loads of skills!!Do not leave your home (you can get advice from Shelter website on this).

Kitchensinktoday · 10/02/2025 19:47

Lay it on as thick and ensure that he has to provide for you and you children heavily.

This

JANEY205 · 10/02/2025 19:51

I am so so sorry OP! Wish I could send you a hug.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation last year (stay at home parent to little children, husband often gone, not appreciating me leading to constant arguments and resentment etc).

Instead of saying ok go or feeling defeated I got angry and you need to get a fire in you now for you and your children.

I sat my husband down and told him if we divorce that I am returning to work and he WILL be doing 50/50 custody with me. That I am done facilitating him to focus solely on his career and that he will be expected to step up and do 50% of everything if we separate. That I would also be taking as much as I can get and that he WILL be paying for our children. Or he could put some effort in and start counselling but either way I was DONE facilitating him to act like he was hard done by when I was doing more than my fair share of parenting.

Lilactimes · 10/02/2025 19:57

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Gnarly999 and I’m getting more and more angry with these men who can’t seem to look after their children..
I definitely agree with other posters here who say you need to take off for a long weekend to think it through. He needs to know what it’s like on his own with three young ones and appreciate what you’ve been juggling.

theduchessofspork · 10/02/2025 20:03

I’m very sorry this is happening to you.

You can’t really fight for someone to stay - you can suggest he stay and work it out, but if he won’t he won’t. And if he agrees to try again, it may not work. It does sound like things haven’t been great for a while so your chances of changing his mind, even in the short term, may not be high.

If I were you I would pull all your financial info and go and see a lawyer - you don’t need to tell him you’ve done that - you do need to prepare the ground so if/when either of you pulls the trigger you get the best deal.

Your focus right now needs to be you and the kids, not Mr Kitchen Wank (he doesn’t sound like an enormous loss long term, I have to say).

Get the lawyer meeting done, then you’ll know where you are.

theduchessofspork · 10/02/2025 20:04

JANEY205 · 10/02/2025 19:51

I am so so sorry OP! Wish I could send you a hug.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation last year (stay at home parent to little children, husband often gone, not appreciating me leading to constant arguments and resentment etc).

Instead of saying ok go or feeling defeated I got angry and you need to get a fire in you now for you and your children.

I sat my husband down and told him if we divorce that I am returning to work and he WILL be doing 50/50 custody with me. That I am done facilitating him to focus solely on his career and that he will be expected to step up and do 50% of everything if we separate. That I would also be taking as much as I can get and that he WILL be paying for our children. Or he could put some effort in and start counselling but either way I was DONE facilitating him to act like he was hard done by when I was doing more than my fair share of parenting.

This is some cliffhanger

what happened next?!

Optimist2020 · 10/02/2025 20:08

@Beebsta how can the OP “make” him step up and not be a Disney Dad. She can’t force him to actively parent or force him to do 50/50.

Golden407 · 10/02/2025 20:09

squashyhat · 10/02/2025 15:04

Spineless shit. Tell him to grow up, get over himself and start parenting properly. Then - wonder of wonders - his marriage might improve.

He has the responsibility of providing for himself and four other people. That's a huge responsibility and from what the OP says he's managing that quite well. OP has the responsibility of three young children.
The OP says they've not been getting along, maybe an adult conversation were they can both be honest about their issues and acknowledge each others points of view could help them
How do do you think the"advice" you've given would help?

Snugglemonkey · 10/02/2025 20:09

wrongthinker · 10/02/2025 15:15

Sorry, OP, it's likely there will be another woman on the scene. Men rarely leave without having someone else lined up.

Get yourself a good lawyer. And tell him it's 50/50 custody. He's free to leave you, but he's not free to leave his children.

This is just not true! He is probably just feeling overwhelmed. There is every chance that this couple can sort this out!

Plus, you can't make anyone do 50/50.

Golden407 · 10/02/2025 20:12

Quitelikeit · 10/02/2025 15:46

You need physical help first

Can you afford nursery or a childminder a few days per week?

you need emotional support and distractions - toddler groups etc

does he know child maintenance a lot for three kids?

he will have them every weekend right? So you get a break?

All he is doing is copping out because he is lazy and useless

consider getting some anti depressants aswell to help you copd

He's financially providing for his wife and three children. In what way does this make him lazy and useless?

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 20:12

Snugglemonkey · 10/02/2025 20:09

This is just not true! He is probably just feeling overwhelmed. There is every chance that this couple can sort this out!

Plus, you can't make anyone do 50/50.

Show quote history

He wanks in the kitchen to Only Fans in the middle of the day - she shouldn't want to sort this out!

Twaddlepip · 10/02/2025 20:14

He was getting up before me, scrolling these models next to me in bed, and then heading off to the kitchen to masterbate while I fed our baby in bed

You fucking what?! That is beyond disgusting. Fucking he’ll.

And I really don’t think, with your revelation about his Only Fans habit, that you can be at all confident he’s not shagging about when he’s away. He has plenty of opportunity.

He is a selfish, disgusting prick.

Golden407 · 10/02/2025 20:14

Mere1 · 10/02/2025 17:49

Now here’s a good way to get him rethinking. If that’s what you want.

Show quote history

Realistically, if he doesn't want them it's not going to happen

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2025 20:15

Golden407 · 10/02/2025 20:12

He's financially providing for his wife and three children. In what way does this make him lazy and useless?

Show quote history

Because there's more to parenting and a marriage than financially providing?

I manage to work full time and then come home and parent my children. He should do the same when he isn't travelling. It should have never got to this point in the first place.

Barney16 · 10/02/2025 20:25

I don't think he's a nice guy. I actually think he sounds horrible and whilst it may not feel like it right now you will be much better off without him. If he's away for work a lot he's not there is he and you have coped. So you will cope when he isn't there permanently. Playing with himself in your kitchen is truly awful. It's just horrible. It's pitiful.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 10/02/2025 20:27

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 15:41

"OK. There's a 1 bed flat down the road for rent, we can swap between every 3 nights - you and the kids here for 3 nights then I'll come take over for 3 nights while you go to the 1bed and we will keep switching. You can leave me but you don't get to leave your children"

I was trying to think of this basically but this post nailed it. I would be making sure he had 50% of the grunt work for the kids he has created so you get some down time. DO NOT allow him to force you into being the default parent.

He does not get to swan off into the sunset and have a lovely carefree life.

MummyJ36 · 10/02/2025 20:27

The update is grim OP. He is really disrespecting you. Maybe it’s attention seeking? Who knows. But wanking in the kitchen, no matter what the circumstances is really grim. Couple that with openly looking at only fans a saying he sees you as a sister (!!!) would be enough for me to ask him to move out. Everyone gets overwhelmed with young kids but it is a decision to be cruel and disrespectful to your partner.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/02/2025 20:28

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 10/02/2025 20:27

I was trying to think of this basically but this post nailed it. I would be making sure he had 50% of the grunt work for the kids he has created so you get some down time. DO NOT allow him to force you into being the default parent.

He does not get to swan off into the sunset and have a lovely carefree life.

Show quote history

How do you think you could force him to do that exactly?

BeTaupeBear · 10/02/2025 20:29

JANEY205 · 10/02/2025 19:51

I am so so sorry OP! Wish I could send you a hug.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation last year (stay at home parent to little children, husband often gone, not appreciating me leading to constant arguments and resentment etc).

Instead of saying ok go or feeling defeated I got angry and you need to get a fire in you now for you and your children.

I sat my husband down and told him if we divorce that I am returning to work and he WILL be doing 50/50 custody with me. That I am done facilitating him to focus solely on his career and that he will be expected to step up and do 50% of everything if we separate. That I would also be taking as much as I can get and that he WILL be paying for our children. Or he could put some effort in and start counselling but either way I was DONE facilitating him to act like he was hard done by when I was doing more than my fair share of parenting.

Yep I agree make him face reality

StormingNorman · 10/02/2025 20:30

Sunnnybunny72 · 10/02/2025 15:10

Tell him that's fine. And ask him which half of the week he wants sole 24/7 care of his children.

This is always brought out as a gotcha. He doesn’t have to agree 50/50.

Flowerpower456 · 10/02/2025 20:31

Honestly? Why would you even want a man you have to beg to want to give your marriage a shot with.
it is so much easier to separate when children are young, they won’t remember life being any different in years to come.
my advice is to be practical. Get legal advice asap and make plans for a future on your own. And work out csa payments.

aei22 · 10/02/2025 20:31

He's almost certainly shagging someone from work.

It's all a complete cliche.

Tell him to stop fucking another woman and get his head in the game - you have three very small children.

If he isn't fucking someone else, given that he loves you like a sister and you have three tiny kids together, there would be NO reason for him to leave. He wants to leave so he can get with his side piece.

No matter how implausible you think this is, it is very likely the case.