Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

But the 50/50 shared care is just mythology unless the man actively seeks and wants it.
If he wants to be free to gallivant and work, no Judge in the land will make him have his kids.

It's completely impossible to ''make'' a father be a good and reliable father {unfortunately}

The mother is always left ''holding the baby'' if the ex husband can't be bothered.

Lots of men find their sex drive increases when they're having an affair.

Be prepared x

@Mrsttcno1 - I think you're quite right, but possibly rather too hopeful that he can be forced to pay child maintenance, even....

But it is fun to watch them turn a whiter shade of pale gif a minute.

Perhaps OP will be one of the lucky ones, but there are plenty of men out there getting away with not paying because the CMS are a chocolate fire guard.

This

In that situation I would fight for him to stay. Even if longer term it doesn't work out it sounds best for the kids to try and stay together for now if you can persuade him.
Suggest a date night if there is anyone who can babysit (potentially ask someone from preschool if you don't have family who can?)
Try to rekindle the spark generally, affection, only speaking kindly even when frustrated.
Speak to him, explain you do love him (if this is the case) but have just been having a rough patch, that you're sorry about the harsh words when you've been overwhelmed. Avoid bringing up his faults for now until he's in a better place to want to address them.

It may be that it doesn't work out longer term, but I would try at that stage of life with them so young to at least try everything possible to fix things and put pride aside for now. That's just my personal opinion I know not everyone would agree, but I think trying to fix the relationship is the better option for now at least.

Oh op, I really feel for you. You’re deep in the trenches of young children and your team mate has abandoned you.

He certainly doesn’t sound like he’s coping well and instead of pulling together is pulling away which is awful for you and putting more pressure on. So you’re in a viscous circle.

It also sounds like he has developed what sounds like a porn compulsion / addiction - this will be why he’s not wanting sex, or saying he doesn’t fancy you. This is not about you - this is his problem and he really needs help to address it. At the point he’s wanking in the kitchen with small children in the house, I’d say he’s in the grip of addiction. He’d need to recognise this in order to get treatment. You can support him, but you can’t cure him of this.

For what it’s worth, many people would consider OF subscriptions cheating - don’t let him trample your boundaries if this is the case.

It sounds like you either need an intervention as a couple, or you need to cut your losses and start afresh as co-parents.

I know how terrifying the thought of parenting alone 3 under 4 is, but if he’s away a lot you’re already doing this and I bet my bottom dollar you are stronger and more able to cope than you can possibly imagine. Think hard about what it could look like if you were to separate; how would you like it to work? What would your preferred share of childcare be? Housing? Work? Support network etc.
Speak to a solicitor so that you can build this new reality on facts. Then present those facts to him. It might serve as a wake up call when he sees that walking away won’t necessarily make his life easier. Working away might not be possible for example if he’s sharing parenting responsibilities- how would he feel about that?

I’m sure it’s tempting but I urge you, don’t beg him not to leave - he’s showing you enough disrespect as it is and begging never made anyone stay for the right reasons. However I would strongly urge you suggest couples counselling - you could put it to him that you want couples counselling to explore both trying to make it work and separating well.

You may find quite quickly that life without someone so unable to work with you, to show you the respect and support you deserve and who abandons you at the most difficult time in a marriage is so so much better. Hard, but more peaceful. 💕

If he is an employee and paid the usual way via HMRC then CMS can see his income there and can calculate it themselves (unless he suddenly decided to quit obviously), it does get more tricky if self employed though or if paid cash in hand etc.

He wants freedom , peace and quiet? You didnt get pregnant 3 times all by yourself!

I’d let him go ! He has NO respect for you
looking online and even paying to look at women
going for a wank when you are willing to have sex with him.

Dont be scared thinking you won’t have money and have to go out to work, your youngest isn’t 5

Id definitely go for 50/50 men get off to lighter just having them at weekend for a day or maybe overnight.
looking after 3 kids all under 5 is no easy job
your up from 6/7am
breakfast,dinner,tea, bath bed is bloody hard work 7 days a week 24 hours a day. You might get to sit down at 8-9pm after tiding around after they have gone to bed .
If your lucky that’s 2 hrs a night to your self
= 14 hrs a week but still chained to the house because kids are in bed.
You will be run ragged, no time for yourself (maybe a Sat when HE decides the time to pick up/drop off

HE
gets to walk away, automatically thinking you will have the kids !!! You both have the same responsibility and both made them
no responsibility apart from financial, odd day with them
get up/go to bed when he wants.
Goes out in the evening (if he wants)
See’s to himself only
can just walk out the house to do anything he wants to (no getting 3 kids ready before you even get through the door)
comes home from work, quick takeaway able to do nothing if he wants too

ok, No maintenance, but you’d have a life for 3.5 days a week where you can catch up on things that you can’t get done when the kids are there
like
shopping
deep cleans
bedding
Night times free for 3 nights , break from the house
go to a friends house for coffee
join a exercise group
go to parents house for hour,
go out for a drink with friend
Even get a part time job, if you want/have to financially

Do not let HIM dictate to you how HE wants things to happen

❤️❤️

Just to make OP aware if it does go 50/50, ex won't be required to pay maintenance. So she will need to get a job. Sorry.

Women who like the thought of being a ''broody hen'' and who love 'babies' think that if there is a good earner {OP's husband has a good income by the sounds of it} then they can stay home and produce babies while he works.

Except it often comes unstuck unless the man is really into being an active father.

Hopefully he will earn enough to support the children and enable OP to work, but it does put women in a very vulnerable position to start having children so fast.

My husband was not a hands on dad- he wanted a second child, and I refused.

Just as well! He cleared off when DS was 4 { he's been married 3 times since!}

Just out of interest, was the third baby planned? Was he committed to having a third or was he resentful from the beginning? Not that it matters as he has an obligation as their father either way.

I definitely agree that you should insist on shared custody. He doesn't get to just walk away. Fuck that.

Well said. 👏

Child maintenance ;if lucky enough) isn't going to cover everything anyway. At least with 50/50 OP has a chance of a job, instead of constantly being the default parent.

If having the option I'd go for 50/50 every time

I'm talking about her comment about the OP going for a third, and her poor DC.

Thank you @Dror I just thought that maybe when confronted with the many good points in that post the OP’s OH might just see sense. But maybe I’m being too optimistic!

He can simply say he doesn’t want the kids though. And OP nor a court can force him. Unfortunately he does get to dictate this, if he says he wants 0 nights then that’s what he gets, he can’t be forced.

Again, I do get this argument but the reality is very different.

Just to clarify, my suggestion of telling him it will be 50/50 shared care was not because I think this will ever happen.

I doubt either OP or her H would ever want or agree to 50/50.

But if OP says this to him, there is more chance of him either a) changing his mind about leaving, at least right now or b) (and this may be preferable) offering up a generous maintenance/asset share package in return for OP doing most of the care.

You both sound desperately unhappy and in the pits with small kids.

Have you asked him to consider couples counselling?

Against the grain 🙈 You want to stay in the marriage so i would acknowledge your short comings without criticism of him (and there's a lot to criticise!) And apologise and say you'd like to change / reset / whatever.
And see if he is willing to try couples therapy before calling it a day.
I would sell it as short term and if he still does want to separate then having a third person will be helpful to mediate.

50/50 is much better for the children, too {If he's a good father} but some selfish men often don't want 50/50 or anything approaching that.

id sit him down and say you think you need to give it a trial run, so what you have done is booked yourself away for the weekend Friday until Sunday night - so he cantorial what a weekend will be like with the 3 children on his own.

Seriously you need to have some time away to think about whats happening and what better way for him to get the practice in on havign the children that right now

obviously if it doesn't go very well then you'll need to go away again the following weekend to give him more time to practice

so sorry youre going through this - of course parents become friends, the spark changes and life sets in wtf does he think marriage or family life is

as for the only fans hecanfuck right off

This 100%. He obviously did not see you as a sister when he made the baby, so that's complete BS. He has either met someone else or wants an easy option but don't give him that option. My ex left me with a 3 year old and a one year old, and we had just moved to our forever home ( laughable now).
Fortunately I still worked but he was a complete arse about money or not giving me any, plus left debts I knew nothing about. It was hard I am not going to lie, but one thing I would do differently is demand 50/50 split on the kids living. Not because I didn't want them full time but because they can just walk away and have a new life and why should they shirk their responsibilities 🤔 It might also make him think twice about what he really wants. It did really mess my life up, I was 30 and we had been together since I was 18, I never really had another serious relationship. Even if you don't want 50/50 keep saying you do, give him something to think about.

@spicemaiden You say that, but 50/50 is incredibly hard, especially as her children are so small. My kids were (court enforced) 50/50 since ages of 3 and 6, and being without them for 7 days at a time was so hard.
Also, despite working, it was financially also incredibly challenging. Huge disparity in incomes.

You couldn’t have demanded 50/50 @Eyerollexpert neither can OP. No court will ever force a man to have his child when he actively does not want to. You can ask, he can say no, that’s all there is to it.

Just tell him he’s right and you’re going away for 2 weeks to sort your head out so he will have to look after HIS children while you’re gone. Much like you’ve been doing while he travels for work. Then tell him he will have to figure out how he’s going to manage 50-50 care because you’re obviously going to have to get a full time job. If he has to travel for work on his time, then he will have to manage the care arrangements.

I hate these horrible men who agree to multiple children then decide that parenting is too hard and want to walk away from it. Do not, I repeat do not let him wash his hands of parental responsibility and become a Disney dad who sees his kids every other weekend. Do not let him get the benefit of having a spouse to look after his children after ditching his spouse. Make him step up and truly parent.

i am so sorry, this is unimaginably hard. In a few years I truly hope you look back and realise the trash has taken itself out.