Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

@Gnarly999

You can't 'fight' for a marriage if the other spouse has no interest in fighting alongside you to change things. If he's determined to end things, then things will be ended. You can't stop him from divorcing you if that's what he really wants. All you can do now is 'plan'.

The best thing you can do now is go silent and see a solicitor. Take a 'snapshot' of family finances (salary, assets, bank accounts, the house, pensions, etc) and show the solicitor. They're in the best place to advise you of your position wrt settlement, maintenance, and access. It doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything', you're just educating yourself. And knowledge is power.

The issue of OW is neither here nor there, unless you feel it will light a fire of anger in you. I'm not saying it's no big deal, just that right now that's not what you need to be wondering or focusing on.

As far as working, you do need to take stock of your qualifications and ability to reenter the job market at a 'living wage'. Ask the solicitor if it's advisable for you to start looking for or to go back to work. YMMV but my cousin was advised NOT to change anything about her 2 days/week work schedule until after the settlement was signed, sealed, and delivered.

I know right now you feel you're in a tailspin. But you will get through this. It won't be easy and it won't be fast. This is a marathon not a sprint. So take your time and make your moves deliberately and after careful consideration.

Also, seek support. I know you haven't told anyone yet, but find someone IRL, a friend or relative, with whom you have confidence in their discretion, and talk to them. They won't be able to solve your problems but there is such a relief in knowing someone is there for you, even if all they can do is give you a shoulder to lean on.

Oh, and remember that this is not a snap decision that he has made. I guarantee he's been thinking and planning this, for weeks if not months. You'll be playing 'catch up' so please see a solicitor ASAP.

I'm really sorry OP. This is awful behaviour from your husband. I wouldn't expect anyone to be super model ready six months after giving birth. What a bastard he is to say he doesn't fancy you. I wouldn't fancy anyone who could leave someone with three small children. He's a shit. He's not going to a bachelor pad.
You say you have money, is that family money? Because if he's rich there are a lot of women who will target him and not care about you. That doesn't let him off the hook at all but privelage is all about power. Hence he's leaving you without any guilt.
Personally I tell him to fuck off and I'd be hiring a very good solicitor. Please tell your parents and any brothers!
Everyone deserves respect and real love. This man isn't even your friend.
I might be tempted to do a Lady Moon with his work suits.

I am so sorry, gentle hugs ...

Three aged 4 and under is incredibly hard work. The comment about not finding you attractive is incredibly hurtful.

They are his children too, he needs to take responsibility. Also what about his marriage vows, he made promises for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Sadly many men do not take their responsibilities to their children and their wives seriously but maybe your husband would like to and feels stuck maybe with some marriage counselling he would be able to understand things from your perspective and vice versa. I know many couples who have recommitted and remained married.

If he really doesn't want to try to make the marriage work then there is not much you can do except ensure you get great advice and some support. Going to your GP might be a good place to begin,

Wow, thank you all! This is so kind to take the time to help me like this! I’ve only had chance to read a few, but they have been unbelievably helpful so far! I strangely feel a little better already! Needless to say I’m a little busy at the moment as it’s dinner time, but looking forward to having a good read through when the kids are asleep.

Regarding the other woman, I’ve thought about it a lot. Sometimes I go down a rabbit hole and really think there must be. But I do actually think he’s a good guy. I think he’s actually struggling to cope in life and very stressed. Our family life is beyond hectic and stressful (not helped that he’s always snapping at the kids, so they behave worse when he’s around) and his work is very stressful too. He doesn’t get much of a break either, and when he’s here he does do a lot with the older two. So I think he’s potentially looking for some kind of an escape from it all? I know the feeling.. this is why i suggested we do things differently to make sure we both get time to ourselves at a weekend and try and make practical changes to make sure he gets a proper break too.

The other reason I don’t think there’s another woman, is because I’ve realised how much he’s been masterbating since we’ve not been having much sex (him not wanting it, I’d still be keen). He was getting up before me, scrolling these models next to me in bed, and then heading off to the kitchen to masterbate while I fed our baby in bed. I suspected it for a while so one day i went to go and see, caught red handed! In the kitchen as well, ughh!
He follows hundreds of only fans models on Instagram, embarrassing!! I’ve explained how upsetting I find this. I also realised he was paying for a few only fans subscriptions while I was pregnant last year.

So there’s many issues there, but I’m not sure there is another woman, otherwise he wouldn’t need this? I think he just wants freedom, and peace and quiet.

will reply properly later

In the kitchen?! What if the kids walked in? That's fucking vile

This! OMFG

Whether there’s another woman or not doesn’t even attempt to make it on your list of priorities right now…

He is most definitely not a good guy...

Classic signs I'm afraid.. Sorry OP.. You will get through this.

Oh Lordy just read OP's update. That really is vile and honestly, though it may not seem this way now, you're well shot of him OP.

Agree there’s more than likely another woman. Not much you can do other than find some support and make sure he takes some responsibility for the children so you get some time.

He wants freedom, peace and quiet? WTAF, why have three kids then? Dear god, why are some men so pathetic! I too reckon theres an OW. What a low life scum bag. See a lawyer op. The sooner the better.

Sorry Op this screams he has another woman

Now here’s a good way to get him rethinking. If that’s what you want.

Amazing, sound advice.

@Gnarly999 I agree with @SereneCapybara in that you need to both sit down calmly and have a realistic discussion about how separating would work, practically, logistically... Financially.

Be prepared with questions and scenarios - he won't be expecting that, he'll be banking on you being "emotional" and "hysterical" because that will benefit him when he starts making his excuses to friends and family and dressing it up like he's not a coward bailing on his wife and 3 young children.

Where will he live? Where is he expecting his children to live? How will the finances work with 2 homes, child maintenance etc? What days will be have them and on those days how will be handle childcare emergencies, school holidays, wraparound care? How will he have time for his filthy little kitchen habit with kids to run around after?? Will his free, career driven lifestyle (that he's surely imagining he'll get after he dumps all his responsibilities) look when he's cooking fish fingers, calculating CMS payments and managing the logistics of co parenting?

Whilst he's figuring that out, get all paperwork together, screenshot any evidence of his only fans habit and get a good lawyer who will help you take him to the fucking cleaners.

Any time you feel yourself missing him just think of him snapping at your kids, giving your kids money to online prostitutes, and wanking himself off in your kitchen.

Absolute embarrassment of a male.

First of all, I'm so sorry. Secondly, I agree with above. He wants life to go back to before kids, footloose and fancy free. Definitely 50/50 parental responsibility - he has them 50% of the time. Wishing you all the best.

Sounds like there's two or three hundred other women. All waiting with their tits out, pretending they lurve him, want him 🥵🥵🥵 and with a wide open bank account.

Sounds like a sweaty crusty dicked basement dweller.

Looks like he's got very bad 'grass is greener' syndrome. Sounds like his addiction to the lovely ladies of pay-per-porno has convinced him there's loads of them out there gagging for his magnificent cock if only the pesky wife and kiddies weren't in the way.

If I were you, I'd be seriously considering leaving HIM.

Reclaim some fucking power here and throw the disgusting bastard out......!

My husband rewrote everything in our history to make me a bad person and him unloved etc etc. he was having an affair since our second child was 4 months on. On work trips. And then made up work trips and spent family money.

Massively the script. I was going crazy trying to work out why he hated me and the narrative was that our relationship had always been shit never been good I was a horrible person etc etc. it how weak people justify their bad behaviour in their head

She can't kick him out, it's his house as much as hers.
She should have asblittle to do with KitchenWanker as humanly possible while the divorce processes. Grey rock, no food for him, no chores or laundry or any consideration to him at all. Treat him like he's a boring ghost.

So if you split how will he cope with having the kids 50% of the time?? He won't be working away then, will he?

These men

Aww OP I've just read your update. He treats you with little respect and shows utter contempt for your feelings. Wanking in the kitchen to photos of other women. Extremely grim. What if your children walked in? He sounds utterly selfish and pathetic as a husband and a father. You're much better without him. Get a shit hot solicitor and take him to the cleaners.