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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

1000 replies

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 14:33

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

OP posts:
Hwi · 10/02/2025 16:37

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2025 15:53

Do you think no mother works with 3 kids under 4? I do, it's perfectly possible.

OP needs some financial independence. Thinking about work is reasonable.

Show quote history

I don't know how other people do it, but as the breadwinner in the family who has to travel a lot for work, I would simply not have allowed my dh to be 'not nice to me' and put additional pressure on me - would not happen. The first squeak about 'do your half of parenting' or 'pay me more attention' or anything of the sort - I would have said - that is it, you go and earn and I shall stay at home and do everything, but you go out and earn. Having said that, he does not want to stay and the only option for you is to divorce him and pursue him through the courts for maintenance. If he has been so resentful for so long, it will not work, with begging and all that.

Hazylazydays · 10/02/2025 16:43

SereneCapybara · 10/02/2025 14:53

You both need to calm down. You both need to acknowledge that no one is at their best with a new baby, let alone three preschoolers. Everyone is ratty, exhausted, unable to focus on their own needs.

Ask him how he'd feel if you told him that you were leaving him and the children. That you were leaving him with sole responsibility for those three lives. If he thinks he'd find it hard to cope, why does he think it's okay to land this burden and stress on you when you are already so clearly stressed and exhausted. Point out that this would be cowardly, selfish and brutal and if he does this knowingly after you have explained how cruel it would be, it could push you over the edge.

He needs to man up and understand he is a father with commitments, not a single man who can skip off if things aren't easy. You both need to make an effort to look after yourselves and each other, as well as your children.

You say you have money. Then please at very least get a cleaner and a Mother's Help or housekeeper or part time nanny, who can look after the children for at least one or two days a week while you take time for yourself. Go out on dates with each other, where you actually do things you used to enjoy together - music gigs or comedy or skating or watching live sport - whatever you used to have in common.

When he mentions the rows, mention the good times. Explain the reality to him of splitting up just because you are both exhausted. He will need a second home so he can have the children half the time, and you can get a job. His standard of living will plummet and so will his children's. Is this what he wants for them? What does he want for them? Two smaller, cramped homes? The children would be shunted around between childcare and two homes and only ever have one parent around to deal with all three of them, which will make them needier and more difficult and insecure. Can he think of an alternative? Is he aware these tough times don't last forever? Is he really so wimpy he can't cope with hardship for a while?

Far better to behave like responsible, loving adults, capable of riding out the storm of the hardest time in a marriage, and have fun together as a family at weekends, have a date once every weekend, give each other a few hours each week (eg half a day each weekend) to do what you want - to lie on or see friends or get hair done or watch sport. Put some serious effort in supporting and honouring each other as people and as fellow parents. And equal effort into being excellent parents.

If I was married to a man who wasn't prepared to make that effort and chose to walk away instead, if he was that much of a selfish coward, I would get the most powerful lawyer I could find and squeeze him for every penny without a moment's guilt.

Edited

So much good info in this post OP I really hope you will read it, and then read it again and act on it before you rush into anything

Lavenderandbrown · 10/02/2025 16:44

Good advice here op. I too was left with small children both of us high earners and another woman. I’m USA so keep that in mind as you read this… get a good solicitor. Do not change your family dynamic by going to work becuse right now he’s never home travels for work and you are sahm Same as I was. Get as much money as you can…home /household contents /cars /pensions savings. Get as much time as you can (in this I differ from mn posters I wanted every second of my dc childhood and I definitely did not want some ow taking care of them) with your Dc as you are legally entitled to or he will agree to. This can always be changed in the future I didn’t want and never had 50/50. He couldn’t and still can’t parent at the level and quality I did and still can and it shows. STBXH is not going to miraculously become a good dad. He is completely disrupting his dc life physically and emotionally and everything he does to you or says to you is also hurting them. He wants you to feel like shit and think you are shit. You are not. You can’t do anything about ow…this is a choice he made and is not reflective of your looks abilities or behaviors. He thinks your worthless and useless to him??! He’s about to find out what worthless and useless really looks like…

OVienna · 10/02/2025 16:44

What a prince among men. Sorry, OP.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 10/02/2025 16:45

So sorry OP. It doesn’t sound like there’s any point in begging him. He probably has someone else lined up and is halfway out the door.

I agree you should divorce him ASAP. Do you know how much he earns? Savings? Equity in house? Shares? Pensions? You need all the documentation you can get your hands on to give details to your solicitor.

Please tell friends and family in real life, you really need the support, and this man is no longer your friend. 💐

dijonketchup · 10/02/2025 16:46

DeepRoseFish · 10/02/2025 16:28

Yes but some of us have actually been there and have real advice to give. Yours is imaginary.

I can tell you that work for me would not have been possible at all. It takes a good while to pick yourself up from this.

Show quote history

I agree with @DeepRoseFish .

Your kids have had their stupid father torpedo their lives, what they need is stability, unconditional love, and as much active parenting as the two of you can reasonably manage. Not wraparound/childcare (6m is so little), and hardly seeing their mum or dad. I agree a job may be good for you but it won’t be the best thing for your kids in the short/medium term. Don’t feel pressured, trust your gut.

WellsAndThistles · 10/02/2025 16:46

Men generally don't leave their family to set up a bachelor pad. There will probably be another women (or man) that has turned his head.

He found you attractive enough to produce 3 kids so don't get taken in by the sister nonsense.

SabreToothTigerLilly · 10/02/2025 16:51

@DeepRoseFish @SouthLondonMum22

Have to admit I see both sides of the work debate. But after ExH left and my mat leave finished, working full time with three young children on my own nearly did me in!

zebrazoop · 10/02/2025 16:51

I've been in this situation with 3 small kids . He left , there was another woman. Get a good solicitor, work out what is best for you and your kids coparenting wise (we would have hated 50/50 , he was never home when married) and take him to the cleaners. You will be ok

Mrsttcno1 · 10/02/2025 16:53

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/02/2025 16:35

How shit @Gnarly999 I too would go down the line of “right, fine, off you go then - you’ll be having the kids every other weekend and overnight during the week to make up 50%. Yes, all of them at once” and watch him squirm.

Edited

I get this kind of response emotionally, but practically it’s totally empty. He doesn’t have to have those kids, she can’t force him and more importantly no court can force him. He’s not stupid, he will know this just like everybody else knows this. It might feel good to send that message but it’s going to feel awful when he laughs it off and continues on his merry way.

Morry15 · 10/02/2025 16:54

I'm sorry OP. What a crappy way for your husband to behave. The line about not finding you attractive. What an a*hole. Sorry. I'm guessing he's a Brad Pitt lookalike. Not.

I was always told 'never beg a man to stay'. If he wants to go, show him the door. That said, he still has 3 babies that he needs to step up for.

He can stop being your husband but not a father.

Ohhh...and kids are kids for a short time and adults for longer. They remember which parent was there for them. I know I did.

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 16:55

Get a lawyer. Rinse your soon to be ex-husband. You have great things ahead of you. Your life is about to get much better without this tw-t. Trust me.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 16:56

wrongthinker · 10/02/2025 15:15

Sorry, OP, it's likely there will be another woman on the scene. Men rarely leave without having someone else lined up.

Get yourself a good lawyer. And tell him it's 50/50 custody. He's free to leave you, but he's not free to leave his children.

This.

And seek any skills training you can do now to be ready to work when mat leave ends. I'd start job searching ASAP.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2025 16:57

SabreToothTigerLilly · 10/02/2025 16:51

@DeepRoseFish @SouthLondonMum22

Have to admit I see both sides of the work debate. But after ExH left and my mat leave finished, working full time with three young children on my own nearly did me in!

I bet. I'm definitely not claiming that it would be easy, I'm married and it isn't easy but clearly it is what some people decide is the best for them and OP needs to do the same.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 16:57

DeepRoseFish · 10/02/2025 15:29

You’ll get more than 50% of the assets as the primary carer (as I’m sure you’ll be!) and sahm of 3 very young children!

Yes but with COL any cash savings could be burned through ASAP. Pensions can't be accessed for decades.

She'll need an income.

Dror · 10/02/2025 17:02

@Hazylazydays I think that post you quoted is good advice for a marriage that's been slightly neglected but the couple still cherish each other.
This marriage is over, so enjoying each others company and going on dates isn't going to happen.

Notgivenuphope · 10/02/2025 17:04

You will need a solicitor, a job, an STI test and some RL support.
Sorry OP. What a rat. Don’t lower yourself to his standards and beg. You’re better than that.

TizerorFizz · 10/02/2025 17:04

I’m amazed that people think men like this step up as fathers! He’s running away from being a father. He was stupid not to be honest about stopping his family earlier and he’s just walking away from responsibility. He’s prioritised having his own time with little family involvement. He won’t get anywhere near 50/50 if he’s all about work. Real or “other woman” work. Many men agree to 5-14 nights but he won’t with a baby. He’s not intending to make any time and sees dc as “women’s work”. So sit tight op and see a solicitor.

Nothatgingerpirate · 10/02/2025 17:06

I'm very sorry, hope other experienced posters can offer a practical advice.
What is fascinating to me, I never heard of a woman wanting to focus on her work and leave 3 under four.
Stinky bastard.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/02/2025 17:06

@Mrsttcno1 absolutely it’s an entirely emotional reaction and probably not the best advice, but men seem to think they can opt out of parenting at the drop of a hat (and there’s little to stop them). On a more serious note, I would want to know exactly what his expectations are for both parenting and supporting the 3 lives he brought into the world given he won’t carry his share or the load while in a partnership. It’s a conversation to be had - yes it will be hurtful for him to go on his merry way, but I don’t think keeping silent, or letting him
off the hook will make that less hurtful.

Genevieva · 10/02/2025 17:07

This is a difficult but temporary phase in a marriage. You both need marriage counselling. You need more support from elsewhere when he is away. A pragmatic conversation about trying to make your marriage work is necessary before you give up on it. That also involves you not resenting him or getting cross with him.

LoganberryWay · 10/02/2025 17:08

Sunnnybunny72 · 10/02/2025 15:10

Tell him that's fine. And ask him which half of the week he wants sole 24/7 care of his children.

Nice one, I love it !

Chillilounger · 10/02/2025 17:10

He wants to focus on his work? He understands if you split up he will have the kids living with him 50% of the time right? Not sure how conducive that will be to his easier life plans but 🤷

LoganberryWay · 10/02/2025 17:13

WellsAndThistles · 10/02/2025 16:46

Men generally don't leave their family to set up a bachelor pad. There will probably be another women (or man) that has turned his head.

He found you attractive enough to produce 3 kids so don't get taken in by the sister nonsense.

I tend to agree with this.
Two of my friend's husbands left them when they had 4 kids each.
Both of them had a newborn, and in both cases another woman was involved.

I'm sorry OP x

Uol2022 · 10/02/2025 17:13

I’m so sorry. It can be right to call time on a relationship but it is never ever right to avoid responsibility for your children. How awful that he thinks with three young kids this is the right time for him to be focusing on work. He is totally in the wrong here. Probably never got his head around the fact that children change things and rightly shift the focus of life. Don’t beg him to stay. Do assert your rights and his responsibilities to his family - financial responsibility at the very least.

He is pulling up old arguments because he feels guilty and wants to make this all your fault. It is not your fault. He will try to blame you to justify his behaviour. You are not and never were the problem. Ignore this, as best you can. Focus on the practical. He is the dad, you are married, that comes with real legal responsibility that you can and should insist upon.

So, you figure out the financial situation. Bank accounts, pension, house value, his earnings. You get a solicitor. You get a record of him saying he doesn’t want to look after the kids, or make notes about how often he’s away from home, or whatever you’re advised to get to help you with any potential custody battle.

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