Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

He has shown you who and what he is, believe him.
This is no longer about whether you want him back but whether you are prepared to stop him taking money from your children to buy expensive watches.
Time to get very angry and get everything thou can, not for you, but for your children. You aren’t fighting him for you now, but for your children, and he is fighting for himself against your children. Remember that.

As others have recommended, you need to consult with the top divorce solicitor in your area, before he gets to them.

He has been getting his ducks in a row since January, if not before
then waited to tell you - you first posted on 10th Feb
he has known long before this.

Wow - what a lovely person he is! Has he even bothered to speak to you face to face since he got back from Asia or actually seen the children?

I know you can’t legally change the locks etc but can you deadlock the front door/keep a key inside the lock inside when you go out so he can’t easily access the house? Exit yourself via the back door, hopefully he doesn’t keep a backdoor key on him, or if he has a backdoor key conveniently lose yours and have to change the backdoor locks.

Does he have access to the ring doorbell? If so kick him off, he doesn’t get to know your whereabouts now.

You need to see a solicitor asap (& preferably a good one). He has had so much longer to get his head around this & plan for it, so he's many many steps ahead of you & is now actively taking money from you.

In my experience, when my dad did this to my mum, the courts didn't seem to care & so he 'got away' with clearing out their savings & none of what he took was taken into consideration when the assets were eventually split. Bastard got to keep the lot and then 50/50 split of everything that was left.

Call the lawyers NOW. The thieving bastard. And (and I know it’s still his house and you’re not supposed to) but change the locks. Or put a second one on the front and use another door and shift your valuables out. I had to drop my jewellery at my sisters because my ex said it formed part of the assets.

Your prince of a man looks like he’s dropped his bonus in the watch and then will argue that that’s not the proceeds of the marriage. Seriously BUCKLE UP.

But once he has spent it, it is gone. He could be hiding assets abroad, giving it away etc etc. @Gnarly999 I don’t want to scare you but you need to take this seriously, a divorce could take years, how long can you fund yourself?
Have you taken legal advice?
Have you got all the important documents - house deed, bank statements for all accounts, tax returns, pay slips etc. Get copies and get them out the house.
Sounds like you will need a forensic accountant.
Are you documenting this? Take screenshots, write down everything.
Get everything valuable out of the house.
Tell his mum.
Put a CMS claim in.
You may have missed your opportunity for some of this.He’s at least 6 months ahead of you. God knows what else he has hidden, sold etc etc.

There is EVERY sign that he will try and skin you. You’ve been discarded and are now no more than an irritant in the way of the Rest of His Life. The fucker.

Agreed! That's why in my dad's case he got away with it as the money no longer existed (whether he spent or hid it, we've no idea but my mum didn't see a penny of it & it wasn't deducted from the split of the remaining assets either!)

Whilst I wouldn’t tell his parents your plans with regards to solicitors etc, I’d definitely tell them that their prince of a son has cleared out your savings and is now playing dirty! Actually I’d be telling everyone far and wide.

use your money to hire the best lawyer you can afford. This man is not your friend and any minute now his mother isn't going to be your friend either.

I’d text him and tell him to put half the joint money in your account else you will be reporting him to the police.

I’m so sorry, @Gnarly999, but he is going to take you to the absolute cleaners. It’s clear that he doesn’t see himself as a family man or even as a partner—only as an individual. He views all the money he has earned or inherited as solely his, with no financial value placed on your contributions as a stay-at-home mom. He will play dirty, and he has been planning this for months. He has no shame, no care for you, you are his enemy. You need to act accordingly.

You cannot afford to bury your head in the sand. If you don’t take action now, he will ruin you. He may push for 50/50 custody and then hire a nanny for his share of the time, which would mean you wouldn’t even be entitled to child maintenance (CMS).

What You Need to Do Immediately:

1. Protect Your Financial Interests
• Document everything—bank statements, withdrawals, and any financial transactions.
• Start an email trail to create evidence. Put all correspondence in writing, avoid verbal conversations and agree nothing verbally. Start with:
• “You withdrew £X from our joint account. Please return 50% by [date].”
• “You removed [items] worth £X from the house. Return them or provide half their value in cash.”
• Tell his mother about the money and ask about his inheritance. It may help you establish whether that money is considered marital property.
• Freeze any other joint accounts if possible. Move half of any remaining funds into an account in your name alone.
• Watch his spending. He will likely rent an expensive place to live and start going on lavish holidays, draining shared funds.

2. Secure a lawyer ASAP
• Get the best lawyer you can afford—this is an investment in your future.
• Assume he has already taken legal advice. You need someone just as sharp to counter him.
• Discuss spousal support, asset division, and child maintenance immediately.
• Speak to your solicitor about a forensic accountant

3. Establish Childcare and Custody Agreements Quickly
• Do not assume he will be fair—get everything in writing.
• He could easily he insist on 50/50 custody, and bring in a nanny so that you aren’t entitled to any CMS.

4. Prepare for His Next Moves
• When the OW emerges, it will be at a time that suits him financially. Expect it and try and find evidence of it sooner if they are living together.
• He may try to intimidate, manipulate, or gaslight you—stay firm and unemotional in responses. Forget wanting him back.
• He may try to make you look unstable or unfit as a parent. Keep records of everything—texts, emails, and any behavior that could be used against him.

This will get a lot worse before it gets better. Stay strong, be ruthless in protecting yourself and your children, and do not let guilt or sentimentality weaken your position. You no longer know this man.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. And yes, I think he has another woman.

Yo need to get smart about this now. You ARE smart, financially literate and you have resources - so get on this asap. Find a shit hot divorce lawyer, in LOndon, and start proceedings. Make sure that you're prepared to ask for a lot more of the assets - you have, in writing, that he only wants to be a dad on weekends. You need a much bigger pool of the assets in the meantime.

the fact that he took all the money out of the joint account is absolutely outrageous.

I would stop confiding in his mother but I would send her one message saying something ike, "Unfortunately, this relationship is over, at his request and he has told me that he wants nothing to do with me and the DC during the week, while also emptying our joint account and hiding money in the form of his most recent bonus. It's a pity its come to this but it is what it is. I think it's best that I don't confide in you anymore and that we don't talk outside of any arrangements wiht the DC as obviously things have reached a point of no return. Thank you for trying to help."

I would also consider looking into moving back South as soon as possible.

what a fucking bastard. Screen shot him clearing the joint account. Get a top solicitor asap. He is clearly spending and hiding money. That bonus definitely came in to a personal account of his

@Gnarly999 why didnt you empty the joint account first?? by that, I mean empty, not take half!! you were entitled to do that!! you are being too slow at getting your finger out and he is beating you to everything!

The police won’t do anything. Legally both people on a joint account can take all the money.

The Family Courts on the other hand will be more than pleased to take this into account.

I’d definitely be claiming your half of the very expensive watch back, it’s blatantly dissipating funds.

Completely agree with @StarlightExpresssed.

He does not 'love you as a friend' you are the enemy and he's already trying to shaft you financially. For your sake - and your children's - you need to start playing hardball with this tw@t.

Whatever you do now sets the tone for your co-parenting 'relationship' in the future. If you let him push you around now, he will continue to treat you like crap and it will be very difficult for you then to start reaffirming your boundaries.

Because I initially wanted my ExH back, and then wanted to be on friendly terms with him, I was way too amicable in the beginning and I've been putting up with his crap for 13 years now.

I wish I'd been stronger from the beginning.

He took money from your joint account?!? What a arse. You need to get. Solicitor asap

We did warn you. Get your act together see a solicitor stop telling his mom anything. Someone just said this in reference to grief ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice’ rings a bell with me.

@Gnarly999 what a prick he is!

but in a way I’m glad he’s done this- it means you’ve found your anger. Your previous post made me think you still hadn’t realised what a prick he was.

It is all traceable, but remember tracing hidden cash costs money. Watch for him hiding money in parents or friends accounts.

on the flip side, unless he has millions stashed away, it very difficult to properly hide cash. It needs all kind of shell companies which cost £££s to set up.

It’s also a silly move on his part. Keep records of all of this. Half that money is yours and it doesn’t matter if he has moved it. The dates are also clear. Get a good lawyer. On the bonus- be prepared for that being hidden. You can demand evidence of it being paid in and he can’t fake a bank statement. Also request a letter from his employer with full details. You are fortunate in that he works for a large company so he can’t hide it without committing fraud ( and the company won’t do it for him). It may actually be beneficial to let him think he has got away with it, and see if he volunteers it. Judges don’t like this and I know of one friend who was given the entire sum of an amount that his spouse had hidden until the last minute. The spouse was a lawyer ( not family) and clearly was advised not to hide anything at the 11th hour.

also in your situation do NOT consider working until after this is over. You’ll need to support your kids anyway, but also go for spousal maintenance as there is such a disparity in your current incomes.

You are in a very strong position OP!

This. Being knocked for six is one thing, but not protecting your own interests is naive.

To be fair, there’s a record of the cash and he’s going to have to pay it back eventually. In the long run, he’s shot himself in the foot.

emptying your half of the account is only really necessary if you need that money to pay bills and live on

id get a legal letter to him pronto. Any decent solicitor would be warning him to put half of it right back.

on the watch - can you get a photo? And make / model? Again - he needs to produce a receipt. You could claim half of it in the divorce. It’s an asset.

Why would you want him back? His actions show he doesn't care about you or kids.
Im