Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

One of my friends married a very hot very successful woman ( head of a front office group in a bank at 30) and was extremely happy and proud at the time ..
he had broken up with his previous gf a couple of years before because she was “boring” a “homebody” her hobbies were cooking and she didn’t go to the gym…( she also had a very good career), she was objectively average looking
10 years down the road and he doesn’t like that his wife doesn’t cook or do things around the home and is career focussed, he longs for his ex gf as she was very “nurturing” and “caring with him”
I wonder if OPs husband was also extremely attracted by her success when she was younger, but then she “lost” that by becoming a SAHM whilst still thinking she could boss his around at home … and now he just wants a reset.
let him reset, find yourself again. Make sure he gives you half of all the marital assets and the house and pays child maintenance and go restart your life OP.
you will need a nanny so you can work and rebuild your career and he better be paying for that

@Gnarly999 I know it’s not what you want and as their Mummy you’ll want the children as much as you can have them but what do you think he’d say if you told him you wanted 50/50 custody? I’d tell him that he’s going to have to go 50/50 just to make him sweat for a while and realise he can’t have his little perfect ‘compartmentalised’ life that he wants. Tell him if you are reentering the workforce and you are going to have to, he’s going to have to step up and that means he has to take a step back with his career. I mean, you were the higher flyer, realistically you could easily be again, someone is going to have to look after the children whilst you are travelling doing your job and that someone will have to be him.

What a coward sending it to you by text, and at midnight. So heartless. After all those years together and shared children, he doesn’t even have to balls to sit down and tell you to your face.

Im so sorry @Gnarly999 I know this isn’t the outcome you were hoping for. Sending a big hug. Myself and many others are here to support you through this difficult time, if it would help you to keep on posting here. X

Very cowardly of him to send a lengthy text rather than sit down with you. Shows you just how much he cares for your wellbeing-selfish to the core! It's all about him and his needs, what about you going through hell waiting for him to decide what he wants to do.. not forgetting that his wife and mother of three young children his basically holding it together single handed whilst he stays away in hotels, dining out and living his best life - woe is me indeed! Honestly I think you're well rid of him! I know it doesn't feel like that right now but I promise you in time you'll get the clarity you deserve and life will get better. Sending hugs your way xx

How horrible of him. He really is vile

In years to come, he will look back and realise what he has thrown away but too late.

You will get through this, honest you will. Xx

Why on earth other posters suggest 50/50. He doesn't want that, kids will nor benefit from it. Do what is best for you and kids @Gnarly999. You sound like a very loving mum. He is worthless of your tears.

Come on now, time to find your anger. How DARE he keep you hanging for weeks on end while he tries to muster up what little guts he has to either shit or get off the pot?!

So he’s finally made his decision, you need to show him how things are going to be. Get yourself to a great lawyer and collect as much financial paperwork as you can. Others will be along to give more details I’m sure.

In 5 years time you will look back and wonder why on earth you were so desperate to stay with this inadequate twat. And I’m willing to bet he’ll be regretting his actions for years to come.

I'm fuming on your behalf. You're well rid, tbh, though it may still not seem like that. Some marriages work out, some fail, but he must have precisely zero morals to treat the mother of his three young children, including a tiny baby, in this way. When the going gets tough, the "tough" scuttle out the backdoor, eh?

You have been much more restrained than me, because had I been in your place, I would have screamed loudly in his face "Get over yourself. You're a spineless immoral lazy middle-aged loser. Who cares about yourself or your self-actualisation? Who... seriously... gives... a... damn? We have three tiny children and they are what matters here".

He will realise far too late that, once you're no longer young, it is the relationships you have in life and what you put into them in terms of being a kind, reliable, giving person who faces up to your responsibilities and doesn't flinch from them which is important. Which is a shame for him because he is presently trashing some of the most important relationships in his life - those with his children and the mother of his children.

He doesn't deserve you all.

I agree with this. If he can't even do bedtime without snapping at them, having been away for days on end, then he really doesn't deserve more than the minimum in terms of time with them.

I don’t actually suggest that the OP agrees to 50:50 custody or considers it as a serious option and it’s obviously not what he wants anyway. I’d merely suggest it to him to make him sweat, so he doesn’t think everything is going to be on his terms. How dare he think he can just cherry pick the best bits and be a weekend Dad.

What a cowardly man you are send a message at midnight like that.
It’s clear he’s expecting you to be primary carer physically and mentally. And him being a McDonalds dad a few hours at a weekend. You don’t get to just check out of family life your kids need you no matter what day of week or what age they are. Save all messages for your solicitor.
I’d approach on basis it will be you doing everything and ensure you push for best settlement.
I know you mentioned his mum again, I’d be wary of sharing anything with her.

I think he's been wanting you to make the decision to throw him out, then he could play the victim to everyone and his mum, but because you've asked him to try and make it work he's now had to be the one to end it.
It's time now for you to move on and make the best life for you without him. show him what he's missing, but not in a want him back way, but in a fk you way.
I think in a year or so time (if not sooner) you will realise you are so much better off without him. to be honest you sound amazing, you sound like whatever you put your mind to, you are brilliant at.
Also be prepared for him wanting you back after a few months but im hoping you will have moved on by then and will laugh in his face.

It has taken him a long time, and an overseas work trip to find the courage to do what he had seemingly wanted to do all along—end the marriage. And yet, even then, he couldn’t muster the balls or the respect to tell you face-to-face or even over the phone. While no one should stay in a marriage where they are unhappy, the way he has chosen to handle this is cowardly and disrespectful. If there is any small mercy in his utter mishandling of this, it’s that his actions leave no room for doubt—it is over, believe him.
Don’t wait and hope he’ll change his mind - he won’t.
Don’t not go after what is rightfully yours in the divorce in order to placate him or hope to win him back - you’ll hurt only yourself doing that. Do not believe him when he says he loves you as a friend - he does not; this is not how you treat friends.

The clarity in his cruelty may help you move toward acceptance more quickly. As for his mother, her opinions are irrelevant—this was not her marriage. What matters is what he has told you, and you should believe him: he has made his decision.

It’s clear that balancing family life and work was more than he was willing or able to manage, and rather than addressing that struggle in a mature way, he placed the blame on you. Instead of facing those challenges, he has chosen an easier path for himself—one where he compartmentalises his responsibilities and limits his role to that of a weekend father. But please, if you ever find yourself doubting your worth, remember: by his own admission, he does not love you. That truth, painful as it is, also means there is space in your future for someone who will love you—the way you deserve, and the way your children deserve to see love modeled.

It might sound like a cliche, but this really is the first day of the rest of your life, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. He has let you go, and that also means you are free. Grab that freedom with both hands, even through the pain, and use it to build something even better for yourself and your children. You are stronger than you know, and you will get through this.❤️

Yes, definitely make him sweat, having 50/50 would certainly cramp his style, let’s hope the threat of it makes him panic. Not to mention making him a lot less of a catch with dating!

Please don’t keep speaking freely to his mother. By all means be friendly with her but oversharing is going to hurt you. You need to be on team you. She is not on team you even if she thinks she is

I was very sorry to read your update - but couldn’t help also feel some relief for you that the waiting is over, even if it’s not the outcome you were hoping for. How are you doing today@Gnarly999 ?

I hope the initial shock and sadness have begun to wear off and you are taking care of yourself and your parents are being supportive.

Vanessa Feltz story is so sad isn’t it - and that was before shithead husband number 2! Not all men are utter bastards, but I’m sure you’ll think very carefully before becoming reliant on a man to fulfil your dreams in the future.

@Gnarly999

What an insensitive arrogant piece of shit, to send you a message like that in the middle of the night! He was hoping you'd sleep right through and not see it til morning when he could avoid your calls.

So, now he's said what he said. And I agree with PPs, he was being a prick in the hopes that you'd end the marriage. You didn't so in order to end the marriage he's had to 'come out in the open' and say he was done. Can you accept his words 'unconditionally'? By that I mean accepting that there is absolutely no way back, for him or for you.

I also agree with PPs, please don't confide in your MiL. At the end of the day, he is her son and she will take his side. Not that she'll put the 'blame' on you, just that she will find justification in her own mind in order to 'support him'. And you cannot trust that things you have said will not get back to him through her. In fact, I guarantee that they will, if only because she's told him to try to get him to see your side or to double check that things you've said are accurate. So be polite, but scale back your conversations.

So now, take a deep breath and start making serious plans. And to understand that you are not 'giving up on your marriage'. He is done, and you can't save a marriage by yourself. It takes two willing partners. When he gets home, there need be no 'serious discussion' or 'having it out'. Behave with dignity. Step back, stop providing any and all domestic services. He wants to be single, fine, it starts today. He can cook and clean up for himself. He can do his own laundry and life admin. You take care of yourself and your DC, period. And go places and leave him with the children, even if it's to a friend's or relative's for a couple of hours. I know you can't leave the baby, but he can watch the others. Simply say "I'm going out, I'll be back in X hours". He doesn't need to know where you are. This is part of your 'internal learning' that where you go and what you do no longer has anything to do with you.

And now is the time to see a solicitor. No more burying your head in the sand. You need to understand what divorce will mean to you. And if he tries to discuss 'terms', agree to NOTHING and sign nothing until you've had legal advice. Yes, I know that seeking legal advice feels like crossing the Rubicon. But he already has. Time for you to catch up.

Yes, I know that seeking legal advice feels like crossing the Rubicon. But he already has. Time for you to catch up.

That’s exactly how I felt when I saw a solicitor, it was like throwing into towel and accepting it was over. But it had to be done.

You're right, it really does have to be done. In part because I think it helps in moving towards the 'acceptance' phase of a split. But mostly because by the time a man says they're 'done' 99 times out of 100 they've already sought legal advice. Or in some cases, have already started to 'play funny' with marital assets. At any rate, they've already thought through the financial aspect and have decided what they think is 'fair'.

Cherchez La femme. 💔

I'm feeling for you @Gnarly999 this was my exact same situation a year ago. But if you look at me now you wouldn't believe how far I've come in a year. My stbxh tried to come back recently it was emensly satisfying to be in a strong place to be able to look back and realise that was never going to be an option that I considered for a second after his appalling behaviour. I hope you too find peace and happiness. It's a journey to reach but you sound like you have your head screwed on and a wonderful mum, the world is yours!

Wow – he ‘bravely’ sends a text message at midnight, he probably felt that he had some time to kill at the airport. He really is an utterly selfish arse.

You’re sounding stronger OP, which is really good, and I am 99.9% certain that within a few short months you will almost be rejoicing that this piece of trash took itself out. You haven’t got any sort of marriage, you’re a maid and nanny and your only purpose (to him) is to facilitate the lifestyle he chooses to maintain.

He also talked about needing to compartmentalise to help him cope, and that it’s been really good he can focus on work in the week and focus on being a dad at the weekend.

You bet it’s been good – for him! Immature, selfish prick. He has no thought for you or his children. Sounds like he’s planning a ‘Disney Dad’ future relationship with his kids then, and not even attempting to sound like a responsible parent.

I hope that now he's been crystal clear about his intentions, you will get your ducks in a row. He may say that he loves you as a friend, but his actions say otherwise, Please don't let him try to dictate terms to you. Get some legal advice ASAP.

You've got this OP, and like I said upthread, it can be much easier to parent alone than with an arsehole.

Thank you guys!!

I am starting to get angry!!

I saw on the ring camera that he’d been back at the weekend while he knew I was out with the kids, and took an expensive case and a painting - without asking!

I then looked into our finances and he’s taken all the money from our joint savings account!! I’m furious!! I’m still financially fine as I have a pot of my own too, but the cheek of it! I’m trying to be smarter than him now. This isn’t going to paint him in a good light on court is it! As I’m sure they’ll be able to trace all this. He was also due to get a big bonus at the end of Jan, which still hasn’t come. Even though in mid Jan he bought a new very expensive watch!! So now our joint savings (before he cleared them), paid for that, and the bonus nowhere to be seen. I thought maybe it was just coming late, what an idiot I am. He’s obviously set up another account for it. Again, just shows who he really is. But all traceable I’m sure, and legally half mine.

Honestly, how did I never realise how stupid he is?!?!

So yes, I’m furious after seeing this. But at other points I still want him back!!! It’s actual torture!

He's taking money from you and the children.