Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

They really are entitled a-holes. ‘No, no.no, come back. I NEED YOU now’

Just read the whole thread, I think maybe you should read it again as it may make you realise your marriage is long gone and even he decided to choose you it won’t come back.

Get angry, shout, stop being a pushover, he is treating you like shit, don’t involve parents, you deserve so much better and once you have enough space you will see this.

Staying in this type of miserable marriage is so much worse than ending it, life will be so much better and happier.

@Gnarly999 - Lots of resources to help you get through - whether he has been unfaithful or not - & also the best chance of getting him back if that's what you choose to do.

https://www.chumplady.com

He sounds like he is very angry at you without any cause. Any chance he might be gay?

OP you need to let go of this idea of needing to be the one who fought to make it work, needing everyone to know it was his fault not yours.

In 12 months time literally no one will care who started it and who did what. In 3 years time your lives will have moved so substantially in opposite directions that your circles will be completely separate.

Your kids in years to come aren't going to want to hear that you fought to make everything right, begged and pleaded and tried to get his mum to help. They will have their own relationship with him and resent you for trying to taint and influence that by either of you pushing your narrative on to them.

Have some self-respect.

Of course it’s not your fault! But oh @Gnarly999 I’m so sorry, this man is lying to you—he’s not 50/50. He’s 95% out, and the remaining 5% is just him biding his time until he can leave. He sounds utterly, utterly miserable, angry, and resentful, and at this point, it seems like he actually hates you. He’s not coming back. He’s simply stalling until he’s ready to go.

I’d assume he’s using this time to get his ducks in a row. He doesn’t want to move in with his mother, who would harangue him for ending his marriage, so he’s probably found a rental property and is waiting for it to become available. Or he’s waiting for the OW to be ready for him.

He’s also emotionally and physically distancing himself so that when he does leave, he won’t look back. After his first wobble when he first said he was leaving, he likely realised he needed to be better prepared before making the break.

Is this Asia trip is a big deal for him? I assume he doesn’t want home drama interfering. He’s waiting until it’s over so he can focus fully on leaving.

The saying ‘If you love someone, let them go’ holds very true. But I completely understand that you don’t want to be the one to officially end it. Even if you don’t say the words though, you need to start accepting that it’s over in your head and your heart. Right now, faking it until you make it might be your best bet. Ask yourself: What would I be doing on a daily, weekly, or even hourly basis if I were single? And then—do it. This includes protecting yourself financially. Have you dug out all his paperwork? God knows what surprises you might find in there.

Today, make plans to go out this week, like @SabreToothTigerLilly suggested, arrange for his mum to babysit maybe even over night, so word gets back to him.Ideally, go out with people he doesn’t know. Join Meetup or find a club where you can meet new people. And while you’re out—and for a few hours before and after—block him. Make him wonder what you’re up to. Although be prepared that he probably won’t care.

This week, do not contact him. If he contacts you, wait at least 5 or 6 hours to respond—longer if it’s nighttime in his time zone. Go full grey rock. Make him wait for you.

Or, if you’re feeling really brave, block him entirely. Only unblock him if you need to contact him.

I’m so sorry, OP. This is painful. Sending you strength.

Honestly at this point you'd be better off lying on the floor and letting him walk all over you.
Going through his mum is just making things worse for yourself. He's made it clear countless the times he has no interest in the marriage - he has no respect for you at all and I'm not quite sure what it is your trying to gain. You don't have a happy marriage and you need to figure out ways you can manage on your own.

I know it's very difficult but please stop begging him and trying to make it work.

It's over. He's ended it.

Let it go now. Get hold of a solicitor and start getting your ducks in a row.

It's painful, yes, and you will be grieving. But this desperate attempt to control the situation is doing nothing but making things worse. Stop involving his mum. Talk to your own friends and family. Gather your resources. Get support - real support, not from his family!

You're trying to avoid feeling the pain. But the pain of breaking up won't kill you. The pain of losing your dream family won't kill you. You'll grieve and despair and little by slowly you'll get stronger and one day the pain will be gone and you'll be in a life where you're free of this horrible man. Maybe that day will come sooner than you could imagine! Sometimes (often) the fear of pain is worse than the pain itself.

You can do this. Stop begging him and take your power back.

I know it's very difficult but please stop begging him and trying to make it work.
It's over. He's ended it.
Let it go now. Get hold of a solicitor and start getting your ducks in a row.

This. Ironically, if you really want him back, the most effective method seems to be moving on with your life, without him.

I think he’s trying to completely break you so that if—and it’s a big if—he decides to stay, it will be entirely on his terms. He’ll have the freedom to do whatever he wants, he’ll have total control —and you’re left in a marriage that’s nothing more than a sham. His hold over you will be so total that you’ll have absolutely no authority or agency within the relationship.

Think open marriage for him (not you), because he doesn’t want sex with you.
Think being unable to take or prioritise a job for yourself, because his career will always come first.
Think decisions about the children—their schooling, their future—being decided by him even if it’s against your wishes (he has form with the nursery school already).
Think him going out, not being there whenever he wants - and the kids seeing that and feeling like they are not important enough to be a priority in their father’s life.
If he wants to move for work - or to be near an OW - you’ll have no choice but to follow.

And on and on it will go, until you lose yourself so completely that breaking away will be impossible. Worse, your kids won’t see the strong, incredible woman you are now. Instead, they’ll see someone who constantly cow-tails and accepts appalling behaviour to keep the peace.

And the kicker - you will have taken all the blame for every failure in the relationship and you will accept that this will be ‘what you deserve’.

I know this sounds bleak, and I hate to say it—but right now, everything you’re doing to hold onto him is showing him that these are the terms you’re willing to accept.

I’m so sorry, @Gnarly999. You are enough on your own—more than enough for your kids. Go and be the matriarch they look up to, the woman who doesn’t need a selfish, immature man to fulfill her dreams.

This should be you, not a broken wife:

www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48985/phenomenal-woman

He said "He still feels the same 50/50 and doesn’t know what to do, and said if I’m pressurising him to make a decision today then it will be to leave. I said, wow! Just like that. Then he nastily, with so much hate said to me “well it’s YOUR fault!!”"

He's pushing hard to get you to call it a day and take all the blame for it, whist he waltzes off scott free. I'm so sorry to read that OP,

He is angry you told his mum you were trying to save things because that contradicts everything he's already told her.

I think it shows who he is that he barely helped at bedtime and spent his time packing and snarling at you. If you were going off to Asia for two weeks, you'd be making the most of your last evening with the kids. This shows you exactly who he is.

Ultimately, be aware his Mum will end up supporting him and I think you should call a halt to telling her everything from now on. Just tell her he's angry you spoke to her and told you not to discuss it with her.

But accept babysitting if it gives you a break. You do need some headspace. But whether you eventually stay together or not. Currently you should act as if you are not and do as much research/planning as you can. Someone on another thread said... do it now, if you need it, you'll need it quickly.

After this I'd be prepared for him to come back from his trip with an ultimatum. He started off pleasantly, but he's now speaking to you with hatred and blaming you for everything, whilst you are busy caring full time for preschoolers and a new baby.
So, whilst he's gone please get professional advice ASAP on your options.. and as people have been saying get all the paperwork and hide your own sensitive paperwork with someone you trust. this is a difficult time for you, but you can't just wait for him to have a complete mind reset.

@Gnarly999

Love, he's shown you over and over and over 'who he is' since his announcement. When will you finally believe him? I don't say that to be cruel, but you are butting your head against a stone wall and it's so painful to read.

It's time to drop the rope. Tell him that it's over. He only wants to come back under his rules; you STFU, you become his domestic servant in all things, and he lives exactly the way he wants to live. Nothing else is going to satisfy him, nothing.

No, he doesn't want to accept any blame, nor will he. In his mind he is entirely justified because you simply won't 'comply'. But you know the truth and don't be afraid to say it out loud to anyone who will listen.

I know that 'giving up' is hard. But sometimes we just have to, for our own good.

What a spiteful piece of shit he is.

It's really difficult reading all this OP, you are holding onto something that isn't there.

Please listen to the above posters. Don't do the pick me dance, he'll just treat you with even more contempt. He doesn't car.

Be prepared for the "new" girlfriend coming out of the woodwork in a few months time.

You deserve nothing less than a hundred percent. He's fallen far short of everyone's expectations.

How are you doing today @Gnarly999 ?

We're all still here for you. 💐

@Gnarly999

I am sorry. I have been through a marriage breakdown and it's the worst thing I have ever gone through, and I initiated it. By the end of it, when I pushed the button - there was no going back. Even though my now exH did try to suggest counselling. By then it was too late.

I didn't read what others are saying on here - just your posts. And your pain and fear are pulpable. And - it will be OK in the end. And also - you don't need to prove anything to anyone, and can feel whatever you want to feel.

So - if you feel you don't yet want to let go of some small chance that you two can figure something out - don't. You can only try and only suggest some sort of family counselling to him.
From your description of your marriage - giving up a career, having 3 children in quick succession, moving away - it is clear how your relationship ran into trouble. Having kids is hard. Leaving a career and becoming SAHM changes relationship dynamics. (Happened in my marriage and destroyed it over several years. I had to leave.) Being stuck with little kids all day and a traveling H - does get to you.

By your description - it's clear that both of you dropped the ball on your relationship. And I am not sure if your H is having a breakdown, or really checked out. I hope you figure out what is right for the two of you.
Hard as it is to do now, when you both are clearly at a difficult place.

How much plainer do you need him to tell you
he doesn’t want the whole marriage thing
Hes enjoying the trips away,
he does what he wants, when he wants !!
No screaming kids, no wife that moans and wants you to do things

just a question OP

you said you dh liked having sex and its was you abstaining because tiredness & no sleep young baby(quite right)
but
since he’s been working away after baby was born
As HE ever come on to you for sex ??
curious !

Why you trying to give it your when he
can’t be arsed, as the f… cheek to shout back at you with venom in his voice .
please, come on
would you be happy for your daughter to beg her dh and act like you are doing ??
I think you would say - different than the way you are thinking at the moment

I get what you doing with the MIL
your trying to get her to change his mind and tell him what he’s got and how much he will be missing
This is why he throws it in your face too
your trying to get MIL to put pressure on him

im sorry, but while you can and it’s not too late
for YOU , get some self esteem back and show him you are a strong woman who doesn’t need
a WEAK PATHETIC Husband that’s runs away at from hard work - because family,work,mortgage,relationship, bills etc etc is hard work !’
If you don’t, further down the line
your going to regret it 100% and it will just going round & round in your head what you should of done

He has already decided it's over. He just wants you to be the one to end it (or have it be a 'mutual' decision) so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

You deserve so much better.

Hey @Gnarly999 thinking of you today and hoping you’re looking after yourself and have some real-life support this week. I know weekends can be tough.

I wanted to offer a little hope. I was chatting with a friend last night who went through a devastating breakup last year in circumstances not dissimilar to your own (DH working abroad, her at home with baby twins, unbeknownst to her he’d set up a home abroad with an ow and got her pregnant - denied despite all evidence etc). At the time, she felt like her entire future had been ripped away—she had everything she’d dreamed of, and suddenly, it was gone. She honest to god believed she couldn’t go on. But she did. And now, just over a year later, after she chose to open herself up to new experiences, her life has taken an unexpected turn—one she never saw coming but is deeply grateful for. It hasn’t been easy, but losing that relationship forced her to rebuild something that as it turns out, is even better. For me it’s wonderful to see my friend back to her old ‘new’ self. For her she’s doing something she literally wouldn’t have been able to do if she was still a SAHM with her awful ex.

I know some of the comments here might feel harsh, like people are pushing you to “wake up” when you’re just trying to make sense of it all. This is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever faced, and before now, every storm you’ve weathered was with your DH by your side. Now, not only is he not there—he’s the one who caused this. And you don’t recognise him, and it feels like you’ve lost your best friend. That’s an impossible thing to process quickly and of course you want to try and salvage it if you can.

The truth is, we don’t know your husband or what he’s going through. It seems clear to an impartial observer what’s going on. And from the overwhelming experience of many women on this thread who have been through similar. He may well be having a midlife crisis—it happens, who knows. But whatever the reason, the way he has treated you isn’t fair, and you deserve so much better. You’ve given your all to this man and this marriage, and now you’re left to pick up the pieces, take the blame and carry on for your children, while it feels like he’s getting away Scot free.

There’s no right or wrong way to navigate this. Do what feels right for you—whether that means holding on to hope, grieving in your own time, calling it quits or just focusing on getting through each day. No one else can tell you what to do or how to heal, but please know this: you will get through it. Even when it feels impossible, even when you can’t see how—you will.

Lean on the people who care about you, whether in real life or here. Don’t listen to your Dad. Do take some of the practical advice on here - so you that you can benefit from other’s experiences. There is a future ahead for you—one that will bring peace, joy, and fulfilment, even if it looks different from what you once imagined.

We’re all rooting for you.💪

How are things going @Gnarly999? I really hope you’ve had some support with the children and that you are getting some time to take care of yourself xx

@Gnarly999 I really hope this week has been a positive week for you and that you feel emotionally a bit stronger and that you’ve been able to find someone real life support.

Hooe your ok ? Able to update
don’t take it to heart about people saying LTB
everyone is different and no 2 people are the same
hope your ok

Morning!
Sorry i’ve been so quiet. While he was in Asia I basically just tried not to think about the whole situations and to try and get on. Obviously at times I’m still a mess, but also enjoying some things again. It’s actually easier when he isn’t in the country now.
Anyway, he got back yesterday, and while in the airport before his flight, he sent me the longest messages I’ve ever seen. Saying he needed to tell me his thoughts before he lands. I received it at midnight our time, so a terribly nasty time to send it too. Of course it was a sleepless night.
The text said lots of things, but the gist was, “he loves me as a friend and nothing more” “I’m 100% done with the marriage”.
Strangely I wasn’t as devastates and panicking this time around, but I’m still really sad. The grief will take time, and I still can’t believe that this is the man he turned out to be. This man I thought was so good and kind and loyal, is the type of bloke that leaves his wife after she’s just had a baby, it still shocks me.
His mum is still adamant the marriage isn’t over, but he’s not listening to her now either. We both think he’s depressed. He’s actually like a different person altogether and she says the same thing. He said in the text that ending things will help
him manage his “spaghetti life” and it feels like light at the end of the tunnel. Like he’s depressed and is blaming it on me!
He also talked about needing to compartmentalise to help him cope, and that it’s been really good he can focus on work in the week and focus on being a dad at the weekend. Essentially, he’s not a family man is is completely selfish, something he never used to be. How can someone change so much over night?

Thank you to whoever recommended the how to fail podcast by Elizabeth day. I’ve listened to a few, including the one with Vanessa Feltz, her husband left her suddenly too, and she was heartbroken. It’s a good listen, but horrible story. I’m essentially starting to hate men I think.

So leaving his wife and children feels like ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’?

He’s just spouting rubbish. I don’t think you’ll ever get to the bottom of this, probably because there’s no logical explanation, but over time this will matter less.

But thank you for the update, it’s good to hear from you

Edited to add: fab post from @BiggySwish I hope that gives you some hope and comfort, OP

@Gnarly999 I’m so sorry, but I honestly think in the long term you will come out the winner. It’s awful that he just basically wants to be a weekend Dad, what a scumbag. Doing it over text is completely spineless, who ends a marriage over text, you deserve so much better. He’s an idiot though if he thinks this is going to solve all his problems.

What on earth makes him think you’re just going to carry on putting in the hard work during the week and he gets to be fun weekend Dad, that’s not how it works. Unfortunately you are going to have to work too now, so he’s going to have to step up to the plate and do his fair share of the weekly childcare. Let him have some of the school run/work juggling fun.

Don’t let him walk all over you, stand your ground and make sure your needs are taken care of too, he doesn’t get to dictate how both of your lives and the children’s lives will look in the future.

Most of all protect yourself and your heart, he unfortunately isn’t your person anymore. Don’t let him see your emotions, keep it business like and detached. He doesn’t deserve anything more.