Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

It can't be nice for your DC to be subjected to his hostility towards them.

Please don’t think I was trying to justify his behaviour. He’s treated the OP appallingly and has been incredibly cruel, selfish and heartless and he absolutely cannot be excused for this. It was meant to be more of an observation, because obviously if he is stressed out and not coping the only way things can improve is if he acknowledges this, gets help and actually addresses the root problem (which is him). Otherwise things can’t really improve, however much the OP wants them to.

In your situation OP I’d get some counselling and strongly suggest he has some counselling too. Once you’ve both worked out apart what you actually want and need from the relationship, then come together for counselling together, whether that be to reconnect as a couple or to workout how to separate as amicably as possible and how to co-parent.

I remember him mentioning something about inheritance a few months ago. I think his parents were going to sign something over to him, although we didn’t discuss in much detail. I wonder if that’s perhaps going to happen, and if he’s been thinking about separating for a while, this could be what’s given him the urgency to try and do it now, so he wouldn’t have to give half to me. I hope he isn’t as mean as that, but otherwise, why now when I’ve just had a baby?! I really don’t feel there is OW, so this could be the push.

@Gnarly999 you absolutely must go and pay for some good legal advice asap if you haven’t already. It doesn’t mean you have to act, but informed puts you in a stronger position for when he leaves (if not this time, then in a few years). Don’t bury your head in the sand about this - it’s very likely he’s been planning this for a while, and you’ve seen what an arse he has been while you’re still married. He is going to turn into someone you really don’t recognise - he won’t play nice. You need to protect yourself and your children. Sending a big handhold ❤️

"I hope he isn’t as mean as that"

He is. Or rather, you should plan and take advice from a professional as if he is, because If he wants out, he will want to keep as much of his income under his control as he can.

This declaration of his (and lets not forget it was only a week ago) came as an absolute bombshell and you have been reeling. He's had plenty of time to formulate what he wants. I think he's acting very dishonestly, in his behaviour, in how he's presenting this issue and in the fact that he is doing it in planned stages.
So you shouldn't berate yourself for having your mind all over the place. I think he has deliberately blindsided you.

He's now made this declaration... "I'm only 50/50"
What does he really mean by that? It doesn't sound like someone who wants to be 100 per cent in a relationship, even if he settles on the 50 per cent of him that does want to continue.
what is he actually offering you? I could'nt see that he was offering any thing other than "allowing" you to continue looking after 2 very young children and a baby, more or less singlehanded.
What is he expecting you to do? - from the way he spoke, he's just expecting you to comply, to give him his freedom as economically as possible and carrying on taking FULL responsibility for the children, with him doing a bit of Dad instagramming, and probably dumping them on his parents so he can continue his constant travelling, because I don't think he sounds like someone who wants to be a full time parent and in fact he hasn't been for some time now.

Part of the reason why you are finding it hard at the moment to see your path forward is that as far as I can read it, he hasn't suggested any path, just voiced complaints.

1. break the news. I'm not happy its all your fault really. gives list of complaints to make you feel guilty and accept his excuses about how you've pushed him into this.
2. I'm now off for a week to give you time to digest this and to escape dealing with the messy emotional effect of my annoucement (that way I can pretend my behaviour is OK)
3. Comes back. Does a quick bit of faux childcare "to be nice" and says... I'm 50/50 about this - but with no real proposal, just a few complaints about what is not working for him. Then goes out for the evening, leaving you once again looking after the kids alone, before coming back to say Guess what? I'm off travelling again. He's doing this conversation with you in stages, which seems very planned out. He seems to be very very careful about not committing himself to anything or actually saying that he wants to split, putting all the onus on you to do that, so you are the bad guy. That's what all this I'm 50/50 garbled garbage is about. (I said I was 50/50, you were the one who couldn't accept that and said we should split up}

I could be completely wrong about this of course.

BUT I thought @StarlightExpresssed 's advice has been spot on whether the above is the case or not. To get professional advice asap so that you are informed, prepared, even if you haven't yet made your mind up, it will help you assess what is the best way to protect yourself and your children into the future - whatever decisions you come to.

@Gnarly999 have you got any info on the inheritance?

Inheritances are very much factored into the matrimonial pot, so if you have any knowledge of this keep it in your back pocket and dig a bit further. This includes ones that are likely in the near future. I was asked about this by solicitors and mediator.

discuss with lawyer, but you could negotiate that inheritances be split. ( given the length of your marriage - and the kids)

In the kindest possible way, your kids already don’t have that rock-solid family. They don’t have a dad they can trust to be around, or to be nice to their mum, or to be engaged in their lives when he is around. He’s often not there, on no set pattern, and when he is there he seems to go out a lot, expect them to be versions of his own childhood self, and get easily cross with them.

On the “sexless” marriage - just for your own peace of mind, try working out how many evenings/nights he’s been at home in the last 6 weeks, and how many of those haven’t been the first night after a trip (when you might very understandably rather have a rest and an early night after solo parenting for days). I don’t think many people with small children (and your youngest is very small still) has the most energetic sex life ever, and that’s without factoring in the fact your husband isn’t actually there much. How’d he react if you suggested sexting while he was away (rather than him going to a bar with his junior colleagues)?

Regarding the sexting, I don’t think he’d be keen. The lack of sex comes from him! I don’t initiate much (especially while pregnant and with a newborn), but I’d be keen now, although he says he doesn’t fancy me. Ouch. So the sexlessness is definatly on him.

Today I was feeling hopeful. I’d sent him a long message yesterday, as I’d hardly seen him (he was in London). Basically saying that I think we should draw a line under this before you go away. It’s ridiculous but I do still love him, and hate to think something would happen to him and we leave on this note. This is much further than the usual trips. Id then suggested that we use the next 8 days while he’s away to reflect on the changes we both want to see, so we can talk productively when he returns. I’d sent it to his mum too, so she could really see that I was being the mature one, keen to save our marriage. I was aware it would get back to him, but I want everyone to know this is on him if he ends it, I don’t want to give him the easy way out, which is actually what I think he wants!

Had a chat with MIL today and she’s still beside herself, can’t believe he’d not want to try work things out, says she thinks he’s having a mental breakdown. He’s been staying there mainly when not travelling and she said she’s worried about him, he’s withdrawn from her too, and said he’s like a “ghost”.

Anyway, cut the this evening when he comes over to help with bedtime. Although hardly any help as he was essentially just packing his case at the same time, actually making bedtime more stressful really. Basically, he’s not read the message, said he’s not had time. He’s sat on a 4 hour train back from London!! And been for a haircut today!! I could scream! He said he almost “lost it with me” this morning after he knew I’d spoken to his mum again. I still didn’t rise to it and asked if he could find the time to read the message (a few mins maybe..), and could we speak for 10 mins this eve. He said no, he’s too busy, and he’s not got anything else to say. He still feels the same 50/50 and doesn’t know what to do, and said if I’m pressurising him to make a decision today then it will be to leave. I said, wow! Just like that. Then he nastily, with so much hate said to me “well it’s YOUR fault!!” While the kids were around too. I couldn’t keep calm… I said that i have happily been accountable for my failings in this marriage and am seeking to change them but this is absolutely not my fault. If you walk away and break this family up, this is entirely on you, and everyone will know it!

Anyway, kids now asleep and I’m sat here fuming still. My fault??? I can’t believe how it’s turned it all around on me! Just like you all said he would! This script! Honestly, it’s crazy!

Arghhhh!!!!!!

OP….kindly…..why do you still want to be with him? I feel like it’s reaching a point now where it is very obvious to everyone looking in that he wants to leave. He is treating you cruelly, he is making it clear your marriage is not a priority and he being no help with the kids. You need to try and let go of the fairytale you’ve created in your head and see him for what he really is.

I would also perhaps encourage you to stop involving his mum. She is not going to change his mind and it is muddying the waters with you both getting upset.

He could have said I didn't look at your message as I wanted to give it time and read in peace.

There are so many ways he could have handled tonight better. He chose not to.

Juts rip the plaster off. This is over but he wants to be able to blame you, get all the sympathy etc.

Why do you think he is the best you can do? He's an embarrassment as a man, husband and father.

If you were your daughter, what would you be telling her?

Please stop telling his Mum everything. I think the world of my DIL but I would be unhappy if she tried to involve me in her marriage as my main loyalty ( as with your MIL) is to my son .

Stop messaging the mum. I did for a bit and realised PIL were making things worse not better. I no longer engage with them when they try to get involved in our marriage issues and I shut them down.
honestly your husband is somewhat right to feel pissed off you about you getting his mum involved. (The only thing, he’s a complete dick about all other issues)

I’m so sorry @Gnarly999, what a horrible evening. I agree with @MummyJ36, whilst I understand why you keep sharing things with his Mum, it’s doesn’t seem to be helping and may just cause more issues.

Unless you absolutely need to don’t contact him whilst he’s away. If he messages you, just keep your replies brief and factual.

I know it’s hard but try and use the next 8 days to build your strength up mentally. Is there anyone who can look after the children for you during the day a couple of times just to give you a break and some headspace?

I really would try to see a counsellor, if you can’t get to one in person, you can get ones who work evenings online. Having someone totally impartial to talk to will help, even if it’s just to vent. I’d also consider confiding in a friend. I’d be really upset if one of my friends was going through what you are and didn’t feel able to lean on me for support.

Use the time without him around to try and get your ducks in a row. Be sad, cry, mourn, but try and start to process things so that you are in a better place to deal with things when he returns. It’s not okay how he’s treated you and even if he does get his shit together and decide he wants to stay, you need to be mentally strong and ready to decide if that’s actually what you want after how he’s treated you.

I'm so sorry @Gnarly999 .

However it will probably good for you to get angry now. You are still kind of in doormat mode. It would be better to be in angry badass woman mode.

He's not going to stay. He's even said he doesn't fancy you. He might as well be wearing a sign on his forehead that says 'just waiting for you to end it'.

It is his fault. It's outrageous. He is outrageous. I don't know if the guy you loved is still in there anywhere but I don't think you're going to see him any time soon. Maybe he will reappear after you assert yourself and are no longer available (they do sometimes seem to come crawling back).

I’m sorry but I really do not understand why you’re basically begging this man to want to be with you? Please just stop. No one should live a lie.

I'm so sorry, but it could not be clearer, he has checked out. He's only different and withdrawn around his mum because he knows mum doesn't want him to divorce.
Really sorry, he doesn't care anymore, he wants to leave but is too cowardly.

I'm so sorry @Gnarly999, he’s completely checked out of your marriage. And like a dog that runs away from you, the more you chase him the quicker he’ll run away.

Please change tactic.

If you want it to work, if you don’t want it to work, please change tactic, the nicey, patient approach is not working. I hate game playing but…

Have you got friends you could go out with one evening when he’s away? Perhaps ask MIL to babysit (because - like him - you need a break too). And don’t even mention it to him - she’ll do this for you.

Watch his reaction to you going out when he’s not there - it could be interesting. Don’t answer your phone when out, be evasive about what you’re doing and with who and judge the reaction.

Despite having left for the OW, the only time my ExH became vaguely interested in me is when he thought I was spending the evening with an old male friend from university.

And bloody hell when I met DP he was shocked and affronted.

He needs to be reminded that you are an amazing, clever, beautiful and engaging woman. And if he doesn’t want you, plenty of other men would consider you a catch.

My DP has raised my 3 children with me since my youngest was 10mths old. Your ‘dear’ husband needs to realise that if he leaves, there could be another man raising his children and sleeping with his wife.

Apologies if this sounds crass, but I do think some men have such an inflated ego that they think that once they’ve left, you’ll remain the little woman craving their attention and approval.

Hi OP, I think from here, you should get really rational. Where's this going? This is 'the script', isn't it? Refuse to be drawn in by it. Make your own decisions. Decide your own destiny. My reading of this is that his '50/50' means he wants you to beg and plead to save the marriage and suppress all your needs (but in the end this won't work unless maybe you suck up a lot of bad behaviour without complaint) or be the bad guy and make the decision that breaks you up so he doesn't have to do that.

So you decide for everyone. Step outside the situation and decide the way forward and stick with it. Take the emotion out of it and be factual in your conversations with him. Set the tone as fair and reasonable. No arguing, pleading, recriminations, signs of weakness. Move on - he has, it seems that he has checked out of family life and what you've got now is a poor imitation. Change the dynamic, maybe you'll see something different when the power dynamic shifts, maybe he won't be seen for dust.

And stop involving his mum.

You would benefit by doing some reading at ChumpLady.com

He is totally checked out.

This 100%

Sorry, just to add (not sure if I mentioned it earlier) when I met my DP, my cheating ExH actually said to a mutual friend ‘who’d want her, she has three children’ .

Clearly forgetting that he did too and that his kids meant so little to him that he went out with the OW on my due date and refused to answer my calls when I thought I was going into labour.

He literally thought that although he could attract an affair partner with two/three children, once he left no man would want me. Misogynistic prick.

To be honest the OW did me a huge favour.

So pleased to hear that @SabreToothTigerLilly - what a prick your ex-DH was (is!)

Thank you @MrsPeterHarris - it’s definitely an ‘is’

@Gnarly999 i completely get why you’re letting him treat you like this. I have to be honest and say it is horrible to watch (read!). His treatment of you is awful. But I can see how much you want to try and make it work and what you’re willing to endure. Sometimes marriages are hard. Really hard. And they have to weather some tremendous storms. But for them to actually work, both parties have to want that. It cannot work if only one party is willing to endure. He says 50:50. But I don’t think that’s true, do you? It’s more like 80:20 (80% in favour of leaving). I don’t see what more you can do. You’ve been very accommodating. Very willing to accept your own faults (I’m not actually sure they’re as bad as you make out!) To give him space. To talk calmly and try to save what you have. Trying to understand his needs. But you cannot do this alone. He hadn’t even asked how you are coping! It takes two willing people to make a marriage work. Not one. I suspect he is pushing you to either end it so he can be let off the hook, or he behaves so badly towards you that you do something like give him an ultimatum so he can end it but blame you. Or you’ll lose your shit at him and he’ll say “see how badly you treat me!!! Oh I can’t cope with you anymore. I’m done. It’s all your fault!” If he says “I’m still 50:50…” then act as if he’s said “I think this milk might be off” just say “oh right. Mmm.” Bland replies. No drama that he expecting. No begging. No giving into all demands if only he will staaaaaay!!!!!

Be aloof. Stop texting the MIL. Stop sending him messages. Don’t read his messages. If he comes home, you go out.

There is a better life waiting for you. You just have to start to let go of this one. Preferably with your dignity in tact if you can manage it.

Despite having left for the OW, the only time my ExH became vaguely interested in me is when he thought I was spending the evening with an old male friend from university.
And bloody hell when I met DP he was shocked and affronted.

Same here - quite by chance I met my new DH quite soon after ex DH left, and (surprise surprise) he then decided he wanted me back!