Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Hi all,

Thank you again for your messages! It’s still useful to see all views, because I can think of little else.

There’s a few people saying this doesn’t add up. I can assure you, I’m not doing this for entertainment, or making it up. But you’re right, it doesn’t add up to me either. I am confused, I am a mess, and (without trying to sound to dramatic), thinking “who am I?”.

I worked hard at school, career etc, but I’d always dreamed of a family. Being the mum baking cakes, lots of lovely kids, nice house, lovely husband etc. Of course we know that’s not really the reality (especially not for me), but when this has been your dream, I suppose it’s hard to let go of. It doesn’t just feel like I’d be letting go of him (which I would have done months ago, because I agree he’s a total tw*t), but it’s letting go of the dream family. Which I’m slowly coming to realise is only a dream. But I think since leaving work, a lot of my identity has been wrapped up in this.

Again, I knew this is confusing, it is for me too, but my attitude and personality which made me successful, was the same as I applied to motherhood, and my family. From the outside we are the perfect family that has it all. Of course you all know the truth. It’s just hard accepting the truth myself, as it feels like I’m then a failure too. Which is silly I know. But I guess one other trait that made me successful was never giving up and being very resilient, which I guess is what I’m doing here. The problem is I’m not sure that’s for good or it’s toxic now.

Just to add, I can write a measured and calm post, in the same way, a lot of the time if you saw me out, you wouldn’t realise anything was going on. But at times when I can’t stop crying, can hardly breath and just scream, then you know. It’s a real rollercoaster.

The other thing that complicates this, is I’m not the submissive type. What led to all the arguments over the past few months, and eventually to where we are here, is because I’d have a problem with everything he was doing. “What the hell do you mean you’re going away for another week? It’s half term for goodness sake?” “Stop being so selfish, get out of the pub and get home” etc. I was the total opposite of a doormat. As I said in my first post, I was giving it just as much as he was. It all felt very justified, because I do think he’s been very selfish, not acting like a team player, and genuinely was taking me and the kids for granted. So yes, that is all still what I think.

oh gosh, I don’t even know where I’m going with this… essentially I still don’t know what to think. Hating him for realising what he really is. Everything I’ve suspected, he’s proven to me. It’s pathetic. He’s a selfish coward.
While at the same time, giving up on arguing with him, because we’ve reached the end of the road with that. There is literally no point. Which brings a peacefulness in some sense.

I guess I realise my marriage is over but I’m delusional (I think?) that maybe he’ll come to his senses about what he’s throwing away, and really put the notion of grass is greener out of his mind, and really realise what hard work would be needed from his side too if we were going to restart this, in a better way.

Sorry this is a jumble of emotions. The overriding emotion being confusion.

One the one had I hate him. On the other hand I want to be sat on the beach with him when I’m old, with all my adult children, and their children. Happy. That’s what my vision for happiness is. I’m really struggling to let go of that.

Yes good point.
It’s a commercial role. A lot of it is about seeing clients. So it does make sense in that role, I just wish he’d do a different role.
He’s also the manager of the unit, so often the travel is with a more junior colleague who actually owns the account, when he more oversees everything.

He is travelling more than ever. Since DC3 came it’s been a lot. So I do think he’s doing it as much as possible because he doesn’t want to be at home. Which essentially led to a lot of these arguments, because I obviously think it’s appalling and he sound have tried to cut it down rather than increase it to escape the stress of family life. Of course he’d deny this and say he’s only doing it to provide as much money as possible. Which as I’ve said, we’re done as we are, so it doesn’t make sense.

On a side note, I watched the new Bridget Jones film. Loved it. But the mum with the twins, the one that seemingly has it all, resonated. In the beginning you think she’s got it all, but by the end, you realise she resents her husband for always working, only has a nanny because her husband is never there and is clearly very unhappy and unsatisfied. Made me realise that a lot of woman probably feel like that. It’s a marriage for show that she doesn’t want to let go of. I’m not saying I’m as glam as that; or as much money or anything, but I did realise if he stays and I “submit” to his demands and give up on the arguments and things I think are unreasonable, then this is what I might become, which seems pathetic and unhappy. But I suppose a lot of women do this?

sorry it’s another ramble!! Confusion.

You're not a failure OP - he is. He has failed as a husband and a father. I completely understand how confusing this is for you - hating him yet at the same time wanting the future you had planned with him. It's completely normal, but sadly the future you had planned has gone now. I really don't think he's going to come to his senses - he's been checking out of the marriage for some time now, it's only you who is playing catch up.

I don't think it really matters whether you challenge them about their behaviour or not. I gave up asking my ExH when he'd be home after work as it just made him angry, and when he'd come back drunk in the wee hours of the morning, I would just pretend to be asleep as I didn't know whether it would be Mr Amorous or Mr Angry coming up the stairs to bed.

And even then I didn't want to rock the boat. He was the one that decided to end the marriage as soon as he had cultivated a new life and somewhere else to go.

The other thing that complicates this, is I’m not the submissive type. What led to all the arguments over the past few months, and eventually to where we are here, is because I’d have a problem with everything he was doing. “What the hell do you mean you’re going away for another week? It’s half term for goodness sake?” “Stop being so selfish, get out of the pub and get home” etc. I was the total opposite of a doormat.

But you were justified in having a problem with everything he was doing!!! I totally get this dynamic, where one party behaves badly, the other party reacts strongly, and then somehow gets the blame for the whole shebang, just because they're understandably angry.

It reminds me of my ex telling the Relate counsellor (remember them?) that my anger was breaking up our marriage. Why was I angry? Because he was having an affair!!!

my ex also blamed for for always being angry, ‘spoiling things’, always being on his case. He said nothing was ever good enough for me.

That all sounds like I’m an uptight shrew who bullied a lovely man doing his best…

The reality was I was angry because he did NOTHING to pull his weight, the ‘nothing ever good enough’ was because he use weaponised incompetence. We ( I!) had a flat in another city where he was studying. When things were bad and youngest was a baby, I didn’t visit for about 8 weeks ( he came home instead). When I finally came to the flat, he hadn’t cleaned it once in that time, place smelled of rotten food, there were mice, and floor was too dirty to let baby crawl around. I spent the weekend cleaning so the kids could stay in it. Because nothing is ever good enough for me.

The ‘spoiling things’ was examples such as my 40th birthday when he ‘forgot’ to buy me a card, so hastily bought one during our day out. No present. ( Mother’s Day was the previous week and he’d also ‘forgotten’ that. ) This was despite the fact that I’d warned him that it was really important to me to get a card for both these occasions as I was a knackered, stressed out mum.

He did it on purpose. Men like that ( and it’s
a lot of men) try to antagonise you and when you react the way you’d expect, you are dismissed as being a nag. It’s a very old, very common tactic.

OP you are not a failure, I totally understand how you feel as I felt a failure too when my marriage broke down many years ago. It looked like everyone else was happy and had great lives, but we know in reality that it is not true.
What is true is some people are able to overlook more bull shit than others. You called your husband out quite rightly and you have been true to yourself. You and your children deserve so much more.
Apart from the "alone ness" Single parenting is easier in some ways as you are solely responsible for everything day to day and the resentment that another is or is not doing X,Yor Z, is no longer there after a while.
You are a strong person, you can get through this, you will be happy again, you have 3 beautiful children who will grow up seeing you as a great role model.

Men like that ( and it’s
a lot of men) try to antagonise you and when you react the way you’d expect, you are dismissed as being a nag. It’s a very old, very common tactic.

@Woodenbeams yes - makes me think about 'hysterical' Victorian women being sent to sanitoriums .... but clearly something was making them hysterical!

Defiantly agree with this. It’s so frustrating, and so sad that so many of us have had the same experience.

I do feel now like he’s trying to do the things that annoy me to see if i react. Previously I would have always reacted, and questioned and been frustrated at the sheer inequality of it all. Now, I’m letting it go, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction, of “see, I’m just trying to be out working hard and she makes it so hard for me, always having a problem with me going away, so I had to leave”.

Like I said, I’m on a rollercoaster, but in my calmer moments, I think, I should not react, bide my time, figure my stuff out first. Not give him what he wants. An easy family free life, and he didn’t have a choice to leave because I was so angry and horrible to him! Urgh! Honestly!!!

@Gnarly999

I guess I realise my marriage is over but I’m delusional (I think?) that maybe he’ll come to his senses about what he’s throwing away, and really put the notion of grass is greener out of his mind, and really realise what hard work would be needed from his side too if we were going to restart this, in a better way.

Yes, what you are faced with is 'the death of the dream'. You had your life all planned out and he's smashed it to bits. But as hard as it is to truly 'get' right now, reality is always better than dreams. Even harsh reality. You can 'lean' against reality and find a solid surface to rebuild. But dreams are ephemeral and if you try to lean on them, you simply fall to the ground. And you can't build a new life based on dreams of the old one.

Because the harsh reality is that, for him, the grass IS greener on the other side of the fence. He doesn't want to be a 'family man'. Not really. Because being a family man is hard work, and he doesn't want to work hard. It entails working, sometimes long hours. It entails parenting, sometimes endlessly. And it entails being a partner which means sharing and sacrifice. He wants the 'respect' that goes with being a family man and the comforts that a wife brings, but he doesn't want to do anything to 'earn' them. In his mind he's 'tried it' and decided that he'd 'just rather not, thank you'. And since you won't 'cheerfully' carry the full family load whilst he lives, in essence, a bachelor's life with a 'chief cook and bottle washer' waiting at home with pipe and slippers he's decided to bail. And in his mind it's 'all your fault' because YOU wouldn't go along with the programme. But you know the real truth. It's HIS fault. He is the one who doesn't understand than anything worth having is worth working for. And a good marriage and strong family is work. It's work joyfully undertaken and richly rewarded, but it is still work

He's nothing unusual. There are 10s of 1000s of men who want the 'trappings' of being a family man, but don't want the hard work that goes with it. Some of them 'suffer in silence' and make life miserable for their wives and children. Some become verbally and physically abusive to 'silence' their families. And some, like yours, bail. In actuality, I think the wives and children of the 'bailers' are the lucky ones. They, at least, get to create new lives for themselves and can live in peace after a painful period of adjustment.

This is going to take you time to come to terms with. Just be sure that you keep an open mind and don't push things away to keep holding on to that dream. You can still 'act forward' even though you aren't ready to fully accept things. Doing so isn't a 'betrayal' of what you thought your life was. In time you'll replace this dead dream with a new and better reality. It's a marathon not a sprint, but it still begins with one step at a time.

This is a very well thought through and supportive post.

Yes it is @AcrossthePond55 thank you!

Excellent post @AcrossthePond55

Op
Beside having your dreams shattered
Is there anything that’s holding you back from saying F… O.. to him ?

I was exactly the same as you, I found it very hard to believe we were no longer a family
It was very hard, made harder still because I hated him (for cheating on me) but still loved him
He was the more outgoing person as I’d started to get anxiety and had pnd after ds was born
I only worked pt and he hated the fact he couldn’t drive around in a fancy sports car(he sold) and just go buy clothes like we did without mortgage & child.
money was tight then as mortgage rates were 15% back then
plus I like the fact we had our family and house and wasn’t bothered about going out, I’d done it since being 13 then 32 and 37 yrs old when he left.
No lie I was a mess , probably like most women are that this happens too, I’d lost loads of weight through no appetite, stress and anxiety.

Eventually things got easier, I made friends with a girl in my avenue, who was also in her own with 2 girls. This took my mind off him and what he was upto etc and eventually we started going on holiday abroad with the kids (didn’t even think about him )
He gave me the house and his half was to be given to ds when older.

I met my new partner 7yrs later, just by chance
through I phone call !!
we’re been together 24yrs now

I’m sure there’s lots of other stories like mine

You really can do this 👍 but it does take time
The more you see him , it will stay the same
He will walk all over you, not a single thought about how your feeling/coping

I totally get what you mean OP, and I'm sorry for questioning whether you were "real" or not yesterday.

You sound utterly ground down and maybe you are numbing yourself to things for self protection. I know I've done this in the past. Some of my dh's past behaviour made me so upset and resentful and angry over time that eventually I think I had a sort of nervous breakdown. There was a period where I went a bit crazy and wanted to leave him (much to his shock) and I asked him for a divorce. And he knew I really meant it. He then did everything he could to save our marriage and be a better husband. It's a lot better now - he does things he never did in the first 20 years which makes me angry in a way that he did have the capacity to change and it kind of took me checking out and having a break down for him to finally make the changes I'd always wanted him to.

We are getting on better than ever now but a lot of the reason for that is that I don't really care any more. I've just let a lot of stuff go as I'm tired of being mad all the time. It was damaging me. But i don't feel the strong love for him that I used to and I don't think I ever will. If I ever get to that place again where I'm utterly miserable I will leave, I know il be ok.
If you end up staying together and he carries on behaving the way he is you will become miserable and resentful too - you have to ask yourself is it worth it?

The thought of starting again is so exhausting isn't it? Especially for you when you have such little ones (mine are older now but when they were younger leaving seemed impossible). It's perfectly normal to want to just ignore what's going on and for things to carry on so that you can keep the status quo.

But you will be ok. As AcrossthePond55 says, it will take time for you to come to terms with your new normal, but at least you won't have the stress of being with someone who is causing you so much angst and upset. You'll be able to just live on your terms.

Ah @Gnarly999 it’s very clear that your marriage has arrived here precisely because you have not been a doormat—you’ve been holding your husband accountable and standing up to him as his behavior has worsened. He hates that, so now the issues in the marriage are your fault because you’re “causing arguments.” He’s positioning you as the unreasonable, argumentative one, making it easier for him to end things without being seen as the bad guy.

He also knows you and knows you are unlikely to end it because this is your dream, and you are tenacious and don’t like to fail. He’s using that against you - to force you to sign up to a marriage that is entirely on his terms and requires him to put fuck all effort in,^ or it^ gives him the justification to walk away because those terms are unacceptable to you.

It is so so hard to give up on a dream, particularly when your whole identity and perception of reality is wrapped up in it. You need to be kind to yourself Op because god knows this is tough. ^
^
But knowing when to walk away is not the same as failing. Refusing to accept something that is no longer right, and flogging a dead horse to the detriment of yourself and those around you I would say is a bigger failure. How to Fail Elizabeth Day podcast might help with stories of people who have succeeded because they failed first.

I expect that if he ends things, your reaction this time won’t be one of such visceral pain and panic - I think you might actually find that it feels a relief that the decision has been made and you don’t have to be the one to end your dream. You will probably find that you move to acceptance quickly - which is essential for you to heal - and from there, you will be able to move on to embracing new possibilities.

Such thoughtful posts. Thank you. This really is beyond helpful, unscrambling my head and giving me an outlet.

Elizabeth Day Podcast, great idea, I love her!

Yes it’s a funny rollercoaster. Went for a run when he came home (I think the only evening this week!), listened to some break up songs, which essentially meant I was angrily running as fast as I could while crying. There might be some chat in the village if anyone saw me, haha!

But feeling less emotional now, it comes in waves. There is so much to weigh up, and reflect on. It’s such a huge decision. Although he’s back home (before more travel..), he’s not officially said he’s wanting to really work this out. We’re still on a “break” and he still wants “space”, so in this strange limbo. Strangely I feel quite detached from him now, which is probably a good thing. Or maybe self preservation.

Someone asked:
Beside having your dreams shattered
Is there anything that’s holding you back from saying F… O.. to him ?

He’s obviously been a total arse over the last year, and probably this started since DC1 was born, creeping up over time. He really is horrible now, I do have a lot of hate for him. He was helping with bedtime today, snapping at the kids. Then the girls wanted me to do their story (once I’d put the baby down), so I came in to do it, but he’d already started, so I said night night, but they asked again if I could read to them. He snapped “no it’s Daddy tonight, Mummy is going”, and proceeded to read Harry Potter to them, which they don’t even like! They got upset. Side note - he always pushes things on them that he liked as a kid, rather than actually taking their lead and really connecting with them. Sorry that’s a tangent, but a small example of how I’m growing to dislike him more and more, or at least I’m waking up and seeing more now and not making excuses for him quite as much.

Anyway, back to why some of me wants this to work out… before all this, I loved him so much. Thought he was amazing. It’s been 16 years, so a lot of that we had the best times, truly best friends. Sharing the same dreams, building our life. A really good guy. Of course he isn’t now, but it’s hard to let go of who you knew. He’s probably not even there any more. But this silly part of me wants to believe that he’s just very stressed out with work, the children, having a crisis, and that actually if he packed in the job, and really took some time to work on himself, he’d still be the same person he always was. I do always see the good in people, have too much empathy I think, and keen to forgive. I’m not a church goer but was brought up Christian, and since having DCs and getting older, I lean back towards my faith. So that’s another reason why I find it hard to walk away too.

I also had an amazing childhood and still have that solid family rock now. I so wanted my kids to have it too. Even if my dad is showing himself to be a massive misogynist, he’s old and he means well! Although it is indeed frustrating.

On another note, I’m also loving the stories from people where the same has happened, how they coped and years down the line are so much happier! It’s hopeful. Thank you. I’m also so pleased to hear how it’s all worked out for you, if anyone has been through this, they deserve their happiness!

OP you don’t need him there in order to be the family rock. You are the rock. Having a traditional family set up does not equate to children feeling settled, especially if one party is as checked out as your “D”H.

You can be that rock for your children. You can be the parent they look up to, respect and trust. I came from a single person family. My mum has been through some incredibly hard times but she is so full of strength. Don’t underestimate how much your children will come to see that in you. You don’t need him.

I wonder how much of his behaviour is because he feels like a bit of a failure as a dad and this has been the first time in your lives that he's not succeeding but it's not like walking away from or job something, there's so much more at stake.

Most people won’t admit they really hate or regret being a parent, or at least not openly, so instead they blame others.

At work he’s validated in his success, his ego is boosted and he’s well rewarded. At home, you’re doing a great job and the more he’s away the harder it is for him to be a good dad, and he’s not willing to put the work in.

Yes that’s such a good point, I hadn’t thought of that. He is the type of guy that only does things he’s good at anyway!

Another thought I had, literally 30 mins ago.. I remember him mentioning something about inheritance a few months ago. I think his parents were going to sign something over to him, although we didn’t discuss in much detail. I wonder if that’s perhaps going to happen, and if he’s been thinking about separating for a while, this could be what’s given him the urgency to try and do it now, so he wouldn’t have to give half to me. I hope he isn’t as mean as that, but otherwise, why now when I’ve just had a baby?! I really don’t feel there is OW, so this could be the push.

’But this silly part of me wants to believe that he’s just very stressed out with work, the children, having a crisis, and that actually if he packed in the job, and really took some time to work on himself, he’d still be the same person he always was’

I don’t think this is silly at all - but unless he recognises who he has become, he’ll never do this. He doesn’t sound up for this introspective work - he’s making unilateral decisions about you and your kids lives without seeking any sort of help or self reflection on his role in all this which suggests he isn’t particularly self reflective.

Does he have quite low self worth? Is he easily led / influenced/ impressed? Because it sounds like his work and the trappings of his lifestyle have shifted his identity and perhaps brought out the worst qualities in him? He sounds like he lacks substance, and perhaps this was less of an issue when you weren’t embarking on a joint endeavour that requires a degree of selflessness and can be thankless at times (the joys of parenting!).

You acknowledge that your identity has shifted too since you’ve become a mother. People do change, and I think you need to accept sadly that this is her new him now.

Have you ever discussed this with him?

I would ask him this outright - even if he lies / gets angry, you’ll be able to gauge his reaction. If he’s that materialistic it’s very possible. And it’s also even more likely that he’s busy hiding money in preparation for a divorce.

You said that before children you were the higher flyer of the two of you, do you think it’s possible he’s actually feeling the strain of taking on that role within your relationship? Is it also possible he’s a little bit jealous of you? You were arguably better than him professionally and now you’re exceeding at parenting too. If you found the job easy and he has to work harder to succeed and now he’s having to work harder than you to actually try to be a good parent, maybe that’s hard for him to reconcile and making him quite depressed.

So what???

Millions of people are depressed and don't use it as an excuse for infidelity and shirking responsibility.

Maybe. But lots of people find real life a bit stressful but dont behave the way he does. What should the OP do, have the children adopted and return to the status quo?