He explained that he thinks we’re in a sexless marriage and that’s really bothered him (it’s taken a hit recently but I wouldn’t say sexless).
A sexless marriage is usually having sex 10 or less times a year.
If he’s the one who doesn’t want sex, what’s he expecting you to do about that - because if it’s on him you literally cannot resolve this.
Is this bothering him enough to seek sex elsewhere then?
He’s literally telling you what he tells OW.
And he’s laying the foundation if he stays in this ‘sexless marriage’ for affairs / ONS in the future.
Or for coercive control if you don’t want to have sex with him.
And you won’t be able to challenge him.
And he’s also saying this is why he’ll keep up with the porn and OF.
I’m too controlling. I don’t respect his work and his travel.
He wants to do what he wants, when he wants with no accountability to you or the kids. You would have to ‘let him’ to make this work and no doubt if you do his behaviour will escalate because he can get away with it. He cannot see that your behaviour is a direct consequence of his actions. Are you prepared to let go of all expectations on him, blindly support him and expect nothing back? Has he ever suggested you travel with him while the kids are small…? Great way to show your respect and support!
He really wants to sort it out but he just worries we’ll be back in the same place in a few years time.
He’s absolutely right -you will be back here in a few years time if not before, except you will have entirely lost yourself during that time, will probably hate and resent him for what you’re having to put up with to have a ‘family unit’ and the kids will think this relationship and the way he treats them and their mum is acceptable.
He’s setting you up to fail, because all changes are on you and they are unsustainable changes.
Frustratingly, I was saying “but surely we should at least give it a real try??”
This alone should be why you should end it. ‘He really wants to make it work’ except he’s not even willing to actually give it a try! He’s deciding whether he’d deign to even bother putting the effort in, on terms that are not even favourable to you. You need to call him out on this contradiction ‘John, you say you really want it to work, but you also say you’re not sure you want to try - square that circle for me’. He cannot be bothered to try, that tells you everything about the level of control he’s exerting on you - it’s cruel.
He’s off on another work trip for a week to Asia!
Since you started this thread he’s been away more than he’s been at home including half term week away followed by a further whole week away. Is this typical? Even the strongest couples would struggle to sustain this kind of relationship- it requires extra work and commitment, excellent communication, and a level of sacrifice each end to make this work. He doesn’t even bother to check in with you or the kids while he’s away, and he avoids you when he’s at home. This will never work without a significant change in attitude his end and yet he’s asking you to blindly support him and allow him to fuck off whenever he wants and never question his commitment to his family.
I so want our family unit to work, and practically, coping with all three most of the time is so tough!
Kindly Op, you don’t have a family unit. You are raising those kids at least 85% on your own. You need to focus on getting practical support in place to help you manage all three, even if you do stay together you need extra help if he’s never there. Do some research, check out availability of nanny’s, costs etc. think about how it might work.
I’m hearing fear of managing all three day in day out by yourself as a real barrier to you not ending it with him. And I totally get that -but you are doing that the majority of the time anyway, and you can outsource support for the rest. And you may find that if he had set days / weekends when he has the kids it’s actually easier as you’ll get set times when you know you’ll get a proper break and probably more regularly than you are currently.
I guess the other fear is the parenting responsibilities of a single parent - but if you split up now you might stand a chance of an amicable co-parenting relationship to share that load. If you keep going as you are and get to the point where you hate and resent each other so deeply this will be much much harder to achieve.
Saturday night, he has of course gone out
He is living the life of a single man. He doesn’t want to be at home with his wife and kids, even though he’s not been with them for weeks. I assume you saying he shouldn’t go out would be ‘controlling’. He commits to you now, on his terms and this is what you’re signing up to.
dad was initially outraged, but now seems to be saying I should do whatever I can to get him back
Has he been talking to your husband? What’s your mums take on this? How honest have you been about what life is like and how he’s treating you? Your Dad is of the school of thought that you will stay for the kids at any cost to yourself. But I’m hoping you see this isn’t going to work long term and you deserve better than that?
I do however feel like I’m likely losing myself a bit in doing this. Feeling pretty depressed, helpless and weak.
And this will go on for at least another week while he’s ’having space and time to think’ - which he isn’t actually doing because he’s at work!
Even if you don’t feel ready to end it, you should think about how you can build yourself up and find ways to feel like go have some control -face some of those fears so that ending it seems less scary.
Because the only outcomes here are:
- He drags this out then ends it
- You get back together on his terms, you loose yourself in the process and then in a couple of years time you / he end it and the kids will be older and more aware and you hate each other and are unable to coparent amicably
- you end it now - with the caveat perhaps that he needs to see his part in him breaking down his family, and make changes too if he doesn’t want it to end.
So get some counselling to help you work this through, find out what practical support you could employ to make it work on your own (or even if you stay together and he’s never there) and speak to a solicitor for legal advice about separation/divorce.
I’m so sorry @Gnarly999 it’s utterly utterly shit but I honestly cannot see how this will ever work without great cost to your emotional and mental health. You deserve so much happiness, but you’re not going to find it here.