Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Please listen to those who've trodden the path before you. I wished I too hadn't done the pick me dance. My youngest was also in utero when the affair began. She didn't seem to mind either 🙄 hindsight is a wonderful thing

If his head was at putting all this behind you, he would be calling and texting so you felt reassured while he was away. Selfishly, he’d also be doing it because he was afraid of losing you and wanted to keep you close.

That's been the biggest shock, the most painful thing, that ex has pretty much given up on one of our children and bear minimum to the others. Mine are all young adults so can see right through him. But how bloody dare he!

I agree. Your MIL is not on your team. Tell her nothing. Mine was kind when I was trying to stay with him but years later when I said it is over she's not been supportive at all. It hurts as I'm the mother of her only grandchildren, she said she wouldn't pick sides and it is 100% his fault.

Possibly to avoid himself feeling guilty he has made you into the enemy/ the bad guy in his head, and has deliberately and conveniently forgotten that you are a person with feelings who he once cared about enough to get married to.

He also said he’ll come over Friday after work to help with bedtime and then we can have dinner and talk

I'd not be sitting having dinner waiting for him to pass judgement over the relationship!

"Of course, the girls will love you coming to do bathtime, I will head off on a walk while you are with them, got some errands to run. Don't think dinner after is a good idea yet. I'm not in the right frame of mind to sit and talk this through over a meal"

If he wants to separate he can just come out and say it. I couldn't sit across the table from him at the moment.

I'm honestly starting to believe that this is 'a thing' reading some of the stories on this thread and thinking of my own.

Man meets strong independent woman with impressive and great career, who is often (but not always) the main bread winner. Husband is very happy with high-flying wife until the children arrive and the highly successful woman (who also did the family admin, cooked and cleaned in addition to her high-flying job) now needs him to step up and take on a bit more responsibility.

He throws his toys out the pram and leaves. Sometimes for the OW (who is also highly organised and will look after them).

Completely agree.

When ExH left for the OW, he said he wanted to talk about arrangements moving forward and could we have a meal at the family home and discuss it over dinner. I stupidly agreed and even made his favourite meal.

He didn't even turn up. Decided to go to a gig with the OW instead.

If he says he wants to talk, take him at his word but make sure the conversation isn’t all on his terms. I would bet my house that when he talks about “working on” your marriage he has ideas about what you could do to make the marriage work better for him. Stop moaning. Be more supportive. Be less tired. That sort of thing.

If/when he suggests talking or working on things, you need to be clear what he needs to work on to make the marriage work again.

This might include:

• ditching the OnlyFans habit
• more engagement with family while on work trips (daily FaceTime with kids? Evening text/phone call with you?)
• more quality time with family when he’s home - that might one-to-one with each kid to reconnect and catch up on their lives, or a family outing, or taking them to their clubs or whatever
• marriage counselling and/or individual counselling to help you get back on the same page and stop issues festering
• if his mum is so invested, can he get her to babysit so you can have a fortnightly/monthly date night?

And put his mum on a strict information diet. She might be on the side of your marriage but in this she isn’t your friend or necessarily on your side. She’d have to be superhuman to be able to say “you and the kids would be much happier without my son”. She may be worrying about losing her grandchildren (she -probably rightly - worries he won’t bother to bring them to see her on “his time”). You could reassure her on that point if you wanted to and if you’d always welcome her to have a granny day with the older two or whatever even when it’s “your” weekend.

It is a thing. In my observation, most men aren't that keen on having children or dealing with the tedium of life with children. They acquiesce due to personal or social pressures and the really hate the reality. And many start seeking out an alternative.

Yes I think you’re right! So sorry to hear your story too, it must have been awful / you’re so strong to get through that!

I think before kids men often find successful women attractive and sexy etc, love the lifestyle. Maybe there’s a subconscious thing about wanting to find good genes to mate with? Intelligence and hard work etc. But when a few kids have come along, maybe the career has been paused, perhaps the chic outfits are less chic, etc, it all loses its shine, and they start to resent it. How shallow. I often think my husband would be happier with some younger more simple woman with a very simple job, that is very grateful for the “lifestyle”, and therefore not questioning of what he does. She’ll just inflate his ego by being so appreciative of him. Problem is, you only have this perspective 16 years and 3 kids in!

@Golow i thought your point about him never needing to support me before kids was spot on, and I’d never even though about that before! Essentially before kids it’s all fun and games, but then after kids needed him to step up for me, and he couldn’t. Essentially a big man child spending money on toy cars and silly things!!

@Woodenbeams and @SabreToothTigerLilly really connect with your stories! X

Yep, he wants a Fangirl not an equal partner.
He's literally not got the goods to be your equal anymore - you're more mature, you have more depth and substance, and you need someone to be part of a team with you.
I also bet if you did go into charity work, it wouldn't have the glamour of working in commercial / private sector. You could be the CEO of bloody Save the Children and I doubt he'd value it / you that much.

Sending you strength and thinking of you today @Gnarly999 I hope you have a productive chat with him this evening. 💐

@Gnarly999 this is solid advice. You’ve also received plenty of valuable suggestions about standing up for yourself and walking away—whether or not you feel ready to take that step yet.

Another strategy, however, is to play the long game by employing a tactical retreat tonight if he’s hinting at reconciliation. This would mean avoiding conflict for now: offering a bit of contrition, accepting that he’ll continue prioritising work over supporting you, flattering his ego, and playing nice. You already know this wouldn’t be the foundation of a healthy, fulfilling family dynamic. But taking a “slowly, slowly, catchy monkey” approach might help you stay civil, open up deeper dialogues, and shift away from constant arguments. Counseling could also help facilitate this process.

This strategy could buy you time—whether that’s to get through the chaos of the early years until the kids are in school or until you feel ready to leave. It’s far from foolproof, and it requires brutal honesty with yourself about how to preserve your dignity, sanity, and self-respect along the way. That said, it could bring you to a point where you feel strong enough to walk away—or, with counseling, maybe he’ll have a genuine change of heart.

I’m not saying this is the best course of action, but it’s another option to consider.

Most importantly, I hope you feel prepared for tonight. If he repeats last week’s dismissive “you’re lucky I’ve graced you with my presence” performance, only to treat you appallingly again the next day, I hope you’ll see it for what it is: a clear sign that he’s not worth your time.💕

Thinking of you tonight @Gnarly999.

Hope all went well.

Thank you all for the advice and support, it’s been incredibly valuable.

Firstly, I’m not proud of myself, I know telling him to do one is what I should be doing. I’m just not there yet. I so want our family unit to work, and practically, coping with all three most of the time is so tough! I do however feel like I’m likely losing myself a bit in doing this. I’ll probably come to regret it.

This is also complicated by my parents being very keen for us to work it out too. This is actually incredibly frustrating… so my dad was initially outraged, but now seems to be saying I should do whatever I can to get him back. That I’ve probably not been respectful enough, I need to compliment him more and “pump up his ego”. I’m like, Dad, I love you, but wow, really???!!!

Anyway, last night DH and I actually managed to chat amicably once the kids had gone to sleep. He explained that he thinks we’re in a sexless marriage and that’s really bothered him (it’s taken a hit recently but I wouldn’t say sexless). I’m too controlling. I don’t respect his work and his travel. He really want to sort it out but he just worries we’ll be back in the same place in a few years time.

Frustratingly, I was saying “but surely we should at least give it a real try??” So I very much didn’t keep the control that I had planned on doing, and it all went a bit to pot..

It ended with him saying he’s 50/50 and he needs more time and space - argh!!

He ha agreed to move back in (for four days before he’s off on another work trip for a week to Asia!), to help with the DC at bedtime and overnight. Practically I’ve not been sleeping, so he could see I needed rest, that was nice at least.

So this isn’t the tough independent woman message I wanted to be writing! Feeling pretty depressed, helpless and weak.

Hope you’re all having better Saturday nights, he has of course gone out!

Did you actually asked him how can you be close and intimate with someone that is constantly absent from the family home? Did you tell him how you feel being left out? So now it sounds like you don't appreciate his work but does he appreciate yours? Have you actually asked those questions?

He's had some advice about how the divorce will affect him financially. 😐

You’ll be on eggshells basically because you’ll be too scared to rick the boat ! You will also find yourself making yourself have sex with him because you have to , not because you want to
It won’t feel normal because of the pressure you’re now under.
I also bet you never mentioned his partner in crime on these away trips ?

personally I think when one of you have made a statement like the one mentioned
you can’t be yourself and it’s a pretend life
It will do your head in pretending and making yourself do things your not in the mood/tired to do, not to mention nit being able to say what you think

good luck

Exactly.

He is training you to be compliant and eager to please. That's not a healthy family unit.

What is your career, OP? Can you resume it fairly quickly?

Please don’t be hard on yourself—you’re clear about what you want: to keep your family unit together, and there’s absolutely no shame in that. Most people on this thread just want to protect you from getting hurt further, but it’s completely understandable that you don’t feel you can end it given what you feel you’ll loose, which isn’t what you want. The lack of agency you’re experiencing here though is very, very difficult to handle. I really think some counselling with someone neutral (defo not your Dad!!) could help you process this.

From your earlier post, I’m assuming the ‘sexless marriage’ is because he doesn’t ‘find you attractive’ anymore (and he has a porn addiction), rather than because you had a baby five mins ago and are juggling two other little ones while he’s hardly ever around? Have you let him know you’d be open to intimacy if the circumstances were different?

Did you ask him what he thinks being ‘less controlling’ or ‘respecting his work and travel’ would actually look like? It might help clarify his expectations.

Did you believe what he was telling you last night?

I really feel for you—these situations are never black and white. His work is obviously all consuming and stressful which of course is hard when raising a young family, but because his career appears to be his main priority, it’s understandable that you’re struggling to be supportive when it’s coming at your expense.

Have you suggested a trial period—say, three months—after which you can both reassess whether things are improving (and you can get your ducks in a row)? Because his unwillingness to even try is the biggest indicator that he’s absolutely more than 50/50 out.

I hope you can keep the dialogue going before he heads off again (to the sex worker capital of….) 💕

Does he ever compliment you? Boost your confidence? It seems like he's burdening the blame on your shoulders.

I get it, sometimes as a couple you can be so engrossed with daily life, and forget about how things used to be before children etc.... but if he is 50:50 in how he feels, surely going to some type of marriage counselling will be the best way forward?

He's keeping you on an emotional rollercoaster which is great for him because he holds the power in this situation... but I really think if you realise the confident women that you are, and speak very practically with him on how to move things forward he may actually get the kick up the backside he needs.

I would have thought marriage is something we all work on... yet he seems not to want to put in any work.... again I really do think you both need professional help (from an unbiased person) to help you both work out what you want from the marriage and life.

If your children were ever treated like this by their partners... would you stand for it? Be the role model for them and show them what a confident woman handles life.

@Gnarly999 If nothing else, I hope you get some sleep tonight.

I wonder, if his career is so important to him, have you ever asked him why? Is he working for a better life for his family or for himself? Would make for an interesting discussion if he could muster the self reflection….

If you can’t walk away just yet, I would urge you to get him to sign up to couples counselling, even if it’s to help him through his ‘50/50’.

Be kind to yourself, this is a defining moment in your life 🌻

I'm baffled if her husband genuinely is having issues. Everything he said is valid, but do you not need to listen and work together? You tell him your needs; he's told you his. Listen, divorce will not have a financial impact on him, the woman here are telling you. Do not think that. Honestly, weigh up what you and he want and see if it fits. If not, leave, but don't be delusional. Im trying to be honest here as a high earner with a low earning ex although our relationship was much shorter 5 years 3, married DCs, they left with what they came with and we are 50/50 no matainance due.