Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

I am going to be controversial now, and I have read ALL you posts and comments, and had a very similar situation myself all be it a long time ago.
You have to decide what you want, if the opportunity arises and you really want to give it another chance please don't worry about what others might think/say. The only other person who loves your kids as much as you is their Dad however useless he may be. I did give my ex an ultimatum and he stayed only to leave me a couple of years later, but I can 110% say I gave it my best shot. Not nice but it is the same advice I have given my 30 something two oldest, it is your life and whilst the advice ppl give is appreciated and gives different perspectives, you have to do what you feel is right for you. Sending strength and understanding your way.💕

Okay my dude I’ve read everything your fine, you are having a fight that has got out of control, and you are proud so is he, if you want to maybe reset this you need to reframe the context and make a sudden move it’s a bit iffy the outcome but write him letter, explain how you feel about him, why your upset why your tired, why 3 under 4 is hard, tell him you are happy to find statistics on how tired mums AND DADS can be and that you both need to change but you want the marriage but you want your pride. If anyone can construct a better counter have it. Nite xxx sorry for scatter gun lim literally travelling for work 😂😂😂😂😂 (ps this is a stall tactic also remember we move in the shadows)

You think your ‘D’H is handsome because you love him ( and yes, he’s probably a good looking guy)

But I’ve heard women describe their partners in similar terms after a break up. When I’ve seen them, I’ve not been massively impressed. ok looking but not drop dead gorgeous!
likewise the women describing themselves as being old and overweight- are just knackered. That ‘feeling old’ feeling goes away once your kids are sleeping properly and at school. You’ve just had a baby - of course you will be bigger than before, but you can lose weight and get back in shape.

and honestly? Him having 3 kids is going to affect his dating options too. being a step mum is not for the feint hearted- especially if you are younger with no kids of your own.

@Gnarly999 - How's today been OP? Hope you're doing okay.

and honestly? Him having 3 kids is going to affect his dating options too. being a step mum is not for the feint hearted- especially if you are younger with no kids of your own.

God yes, a man with 3 kids of that age is not much of a catch!

Thanks for this guys, I hadn’t thought of that actually. All I could imagine was him flashing around in a sports car and flashing money around, and girls loving it. Needless to say they’d totally have the wrong priorities, and they’d probably be welcome to each other!

So as you can see, now I’m okay. But around the kids bedtime I was getting really upset, I guess just a full day of all three of them, trying to hide the emotion all day, and then suddenly it all comes out!

I honestly can’t believe how many people on this thread have been through the same thing - you are all so so strong! I admire you!

I hadn’t heard from him since Monday eve. He’s travelling with suspect OW. Usually I’d have heard something but it’s usually because I would have called etc, but this time i didn’t. I still find it shocking that he’s so insensitive that he isn’t worrying how I’m doing, or wondering how his own children are! Feeling bad that so many other kids are having lovely family time in half term. Even before all this he still planned to travel this week, as he does most nursery holidays - so it’s really unfair on the kids too!

Anyway, I had a text from MiL arranging what time she’s having the girls tomorrow afternoon and she was saying how upset she was. I said I’d not even heard from him in days and how sad it was, but hopefully his meetings are going well (of course I don’t really!). Within 30 mins he’d messages me, asking about the kids etc. At first I thought that was nice, but then I wondered if his mum told him to show interest in the kids, if this gets to a custody battle type thing..

Anyway, I replied and then nothing back. He’s on a night out now with Ow and clients now.

He also said he’ll come over Friday after work to help with bedtime and then we can have dinner and talk. I’m think I should get him to tell me where his head is at first so I can be prepared. I can’t stand that feeling of being kicked in the stomach again and crying uncontrollably in front of him again!!

Sorry this is such a ramble!

His mum will have given him an ear bashing guaranteed.

Truthfully, I believe you deserve better than this. The way he has treated you has been abhorrent. That being said, it’s obvious you love him. Your only chance of getting him back is to go no contact while he’s away and actually tell him you don’t want to see him on Friday IF he contacts you. To be honest, if I were you I would take the kids and go to your parents or a friends for the weekend before he arrives home and if / when he contacts you, say you need space and time to think. You need to try and get some control back - it’s your only hope.

Tell him no. Tell him he can see the kids but you’re going out. Come on OP. Be nonchalant. Get him worried/wondering, don’t let him dangle you on a string.

Yes.

OP, when the chips are down she will support him, not you. She will help him look good, not you. You probably are better off telling her less. She might seem like an ally now but if it comes to a financial or custody fight, she'll be on his side.

This. Don't dance to his tune. Be ready to leave when he arrives.

Let him get a taste of solo parenting.

Make sure your important papers, passports, personal electronics and anything else he could snoop are locked away or out of the house before he arrives. Then leave for 4-5 hours.

Well done for getting through to Wednesday, you're doing brilliantly.

Something that stood out for me in your last post was 'On Friday he would be incredibly sorry and we work on sorting these issues out, that we’ve never even really spoken about.'

I think it's particularly hard to accept the situation when you feel he's just unilaterally decided to upend your life without so much as a civil and rational conversation about it. It's harder to let go when you feel you weren't given a fair chance to right any wrongs, or to mutually agree it's not working (which tbf it doesn't sound like it was for various reasons). Personally I think you'd be well within your rights to point this out, to be able to tell him you want to put your side across without him being defensive and to hear his side without judgement. I don't say this so that it leads to reconciliation because honestly Op, I think it has gone past that. But so that at least you feel heard, and can perhaps begin to seek some kind of closure.

It sounds like he has spent upwards of a year checking out, and by this point he feels no need for a conversation because he's gone past it. But for you - whilst clearly you were aware things weren't great, were assuming you could get back on track. I think that's why reconciliation is going to be so difficult because he'd have to do some serious backtracking, which he doesn't sound like he's remotely bothered about doing. And if he's been unfaithful into the bargain there's no coming back from that. Even if you said you'd take it back and give it another chance, not many couples recover from infidelity without serious work and I suspect he doesn't give enough of a shit for that.

It sounds like at the beginning of your relationship you were successful career wise and presumably pretty independent. Was he one of those men who basked in your career glory? Was he proud of you? When you went on to have children the dynamic of your relationship shifted and your focussed on him lessened however you also needed him for support. It sounds to me like he never transitioned to be able to offer you that support and perhaps has lost sight of you. Instead as a mother who stays at home he has no comprehension of what that means, values it very little and perhaps feels he lost the person he married. I may be wrong, but in my experience when people within a couple change roles the dynamic shifts and it can really upend a relationship if it's not recognised.

If he's unwilling to talk to you civilly and respectfully I would absolutely recommend therapy for yourself - you need somewhere safe to process this trauma and grief.

I would say you'll only talk on Friday if you can agree some ground rules:
Respectful listening from both of you
Honesty and kindness in the way you speak to each other
Active listening without judgement
If he's just going to come over and confirm it's over, without discussion he can put that in an email.

OP, have you sat down and written down a list of what you would need to change to feel happy about your marriage? I don’t mean an “is divorcing or this shit worse” sort of debate, or “what would make this tolerable?” and I definitely don’t mean “what could convince him to stay?” I think it would really benefit you to sit down, set aside all the practical concerns and fears temporarily and write out a physical list for yourself of what you need to be happy that you don’t have right now.

Please don’t let him dangle you with his flip flopping (“I’m leaving. I’m not sure. I don’t fancy you. I’ve bought us a nice steak and some wine. I want to talk. I won’t call to ask how you are unless my mum tells me to. I am all over the place…”

You deserve better.

Let him come over on Friday. Please go out and let him have a nice evening with his children. You need some alone time.

Helpful replies, thank you.

@Golow very insightful and spot on really, I’d just never thought about like that before.

When we met, in our mid twenties, I was more successful than him. He defiantly did feel pound of me and actually loved being involved in my world. I worked in the city and his job was much less “glamorous”. I know nothing about working in the city is actually glamorous, but through the eyes of a 26 year old that had just watched Wolf of Wallstreet at the time, I guess it looked better than it was.

I definatly “wore the trousers”. I was just naturally confident and decisive and he seemed to like that.

When I became a mother, I loved it, and for reasons mentioned before (including IVF struggles), I decided to “stay home” on a career break. Of course having two more children in close succession solidified that.

During that time, he became more successful as his career really took off. The area we now live is also less progressive than where we used to live, so I feel like he’s changed because of it. He’s mentioned in arguments that I used to “wear the trousers”, like he resents that. I mean I certainly don’t now either way!!

Agree I need to take back some control too!

I agree with this. It sounds like you've grown apart and / or your values are no longer aligned. He sounds like he lacks integrity, is flash and presumably his ego has grown as his career has flourished.

You've had enough pp saying you can do better than him, but it's hard to acknowledge that when it's at the cost of your family unit. So taking a dispassionate look at what your needs are and what you value in a partner might be another way in to seeing that he's no longer your person.

You sound bloody brilliant; pull those big girl pants on and show him what you're made of.

And I'm sorry but if he revved up to you in a sports car, flashed the cash and revealed he had 3 very young kids he only sees eow I suspect you'd get the ick of your life. 😉

@Gnarly999 kindly, you need to tell your MIL less, don't moan or mention the lack of contact from him. It won't help you in a custody battle. You want the courts to see him for what he is, not have him prompted by his mum to show he's a caring father. Your MIL will not be on your side if you separate and divorce.

I'm with the others, he's treating you abysmally, take control and tell him it's over, before he makes a total mug out of you.

And believe me, in years time when you see him with some hot younger model, he'll look pathetic, and you'll pity them.

Also, once your children get a bit older and aren't so young, you'll be glad of the break when he has them. When mine were that young, I never left their side, now they are around the double-digit ages and I love a bit of quiet me time! And as for your baby, the courts won't make them do overnights away from mum. If you're breastfeeding, they won't do it before they turn 2.

Remember @Gnarly999 the man you love is the one you thought he was.

He isn't that man at all in real life.

It's ok to grieve for what you thought your life was going to be & IMO I feel someone leaving is as painful as someone dying. In truth you are dealing with the loss of who you thought he was.

@Gnarly999 your story really resonates with me…I have quite a few friends too who have had similar experiences. My situation was slightly different, but my ExH also complained that I had ‘all the power’ because I had a successful career.

i find it really sad that grown men can’t cope with successful women.

And don’t let him make you think you’ve changed. The truth is you haven’t changed - you’ve just moved your focus from your job to your children. I bet you’re a really conscientious person who does their best at whatever they are doing. It sounds like you ended up with someone who was impressed by your image rather than the underlying qualities which got you that career.

you deserve someone so much better

My ExH's OW would beg to differ. She found a married man with three kids (youngest in womb, 2 and 5 when they got together - 14wks, 2 and 6 when he left) very attractive! But she only had to see them for four days a month, so not too inconvenient for her.

Be warned of the MIL 🤨 mine was relaying back messages/emails and pretending to care. Interestingly I was also the one with the great career pre-kids and the confident young woman doing very well. Needless to say the dynamic shifted when I became the stay at home mother who put her career on hold to raise the kids. Meanwhile he traveled the world on business trips and elevated his career. Can't help but think this was his intention-much the same as your own H. Good news is that career path I sidelined is back in full force 15 years post kids and yours can be to. Take back some control, don't let him dictate what happens next, he deserves nothing from you.

"I’m think I should get him to tell me where his head is at first so I can be prepared. I can’t stand that feeling of being kicked in the stomach again"

I agree with you and am so sorry you are going through this, especially with three young children including a new baby.

I can't believe he thinks he can come back from his week away with AW and have you cook him dinner while you have a civilised convo, where he tells you how it's going to be.

I agree with @Golow who said if he's just going to tell you its all over he can say that in an email. Rather than blindside you in person.

Asking him to spell out what he wants to discuss, or it's not happening seems like a good idea. Sounds like he just wants to state how it's going to be from now on and that he expects you to just accept it.

Would you rather get a babysitter and meet somewhere neutral - where you can leave the conversation if he's not listening to you?

Please stop opening up too much to MIL. The only things I would tell her are things you definitely want him to know, or want her to know to demonstrate his appalling behaviour (before he starts to pull a character assassination on you to her, because to justify his behaviour to himself and everyone else, you have to be the bad guy).

"I definatly “wore the trousers”. I was just naturally confident and decisive and he seemed to like that."

Maybe you should be more assertive, confident and decisive with him again. It sounds like he's already checked out, and in that state of mind, crying in front of him and begging him to stay in the marriage just makes you look pathetic in his eyes.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't beg or cry or do the 'pick me dance'. I would tell him that I was not tolerating his behaviour and if his head and heart weren't in the marriage, it would indeed be better to split, he would be having the children 50/50, and I would immediately be going to the CMS to arrange maintenance payments. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Do not cook him dinner on Friday. He doesn't want the wife so he doesn't get the wifey service. Jeez these men are so entitled. Mine used to bring his washing back when he started living with the OW part time. Took him a while to realise I was just putting it in a bin bag. 😂

I agree with @SabreToothTigerLilly

‘I would tell him that I was not tolerating his behaviour and if his head and heart weren't in the marriage, it would indeed be better to split’. You could even tell him that before he comes over on Friday so that you’ve got control of the conversation at the outset.

It’s interesting he’s bringing up that you used to wear the trousers, which suggests that he wouldn’t take that behaviour from ‘just’ a stay at home mum. Sounds like his confidence and his ego have grown and he feels he is better than you now. How much of the arguments you’ve been having are as a result of you trying to assert yourself?

How did he react when you were crying hysterically? Was he kind or cold and detached? I’m guessing it is pushing him further away when you’re ‘needy’ / ‘emotional’. Sadly he’s the last person you need to seek comfort from.

Taking his ball away, being assertive and assured and trying your absolute utmost not to get emotional is the only way to come of this with a sliver of chance he might realise what he’s loosing, and even if not - at least with your pride and dignity.

One of my friends said she imagined that her DH was repeating everything she said and did to the (suspected) OW when they were discussing the future of her failing relationship and it helped her to think about how she could be as dignified as possible.

Hope you’re getting some downtime to focus on yourself today. 💕

Just to add on the MIL thing - you could start to plant seeds of doubt in your conversation with her - I.e; indicate you’re not sitting around waiting for him ‘I accept he wants to end it, so I’m focussing on how I build my life without him now’ etc. so that gets back to him…🤔