Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

He is probably waiting to see if she leaves her oh.

100% this. Mine kept me dangling for a couple of weeks. I was so placid, so scared to rock the boat in case it became the 'straw that broke the camel's back' and he left. Of course he left anyway.

Looking back, I think the reason for the delay on his part was because the OW lived in a shared house and the two of them had to warm up her housemates a bit before he could move in. The delay was 100% about his and her needs and absolutely nothing to do with doing the right thing for his family, or him deciding what he wanted to do. Like @Windmill34, I really regret letting him treat me like that and I wish I had been stronger.

I so want to be the woman that tells him where to go. He really deserves it. But honestly (and pathetically - I know), any glimmer of hope actually settles my stomach and I feel like I can actually eat and function for a moment. It’s not helping that my parents and his parents want us to work it out.

My first husband couldn't make his mind up, everyone suggested taking control of the situation and giving him his marching orders. But I didn't want to. I desperately wanted him to stay.

I will never know if making his mind up for him may have changed the outcome. Probably not, because he had already ruined our marriage. But he only wanted me back once I'd met someone else. So if I was available, he wasn't interested. And you can't live like that.

I think he is humming and erring bc a) he's under pressure from his dp's and he knows it looks bad to both of your parents - he wont want to be the bad guy (men like this usually really care about their image b) he feels guilty leaving the dc's c) he possibly doesn't know the score with the OW yet, maybe she's dragging her feet or giving him cause to pause things d) he's probably looked into what divorce will entail and knows it will certainly mean reduced circumstances and also you getting to stay in the house (you are in a very good position here if you divorce as your dc's are so young and you're a sahm).

None of these reasons are good enough reasons for him to stay. He isn't telling you he's sorry, he's made a mistake and he loves you - it's all about him and his feelings, his mental state etc.

I know it's hard but I wish you would see you are worth more than this - it doesn't have to be his decision.

I could never recover if my dh said those things to me. You sound very nice and laidback OP but I fear it's not helpful here - he is getting away with having his cake and eating it. And if he does decide to stay you'll always be waiting for the next breakdown. He knows you're under his thumb.

You poor thing. Your world is about to implode.

Wishing you all the best, possibly consider seeing GP for temp SSRIs to help you through

Hes awful - bottling out of parenthood during the hard years not realising the rewards he could have reaped later

Take him for everything you can, make him see his kids as often as possible and look after yourself as best you can

No doubt this OW has no idea of the commitment 3 kids will take and the impact upon her free time

He will regret this but not before he lets his little brain rule his big brain

I agree with this. He's probably also scared - you are all he's known his whole adult life and this is a big change. He's blowing his whole life up and he's not getting anyone's blessing to do it.

I'd spend the next four days getting your head in the zone of being a single parent - feeling it out. You'll be in a stronger position to feel you can tell him to feck off if you feel like you have some control and ownership of the situation.

He's showing he can be present if he wants to be - that could be the relief he's feeling. The relentless monotony of dealing with small children seems more doable when it's 'optional'. If you could have a strong co-parenting relationship, rather than a miserable marriage - would you be happier?

You are doing absolutely brilliantly, it's probably the worst you've ever felt in your life but you're getting up every day and looking after your kids and (mostly) holding if together.

I hate to say it, but my ideal would be to have a happy marriage with him and happy family. On Friday he would be incredibly sorry and we work on sorting these issues out, that we’ve never even really spoken about.

Thats not going to happen though is it. If he comes back, it doesn’t look like it will be enthusiastic.

I’m quite liking the idea of meeting someone else for myself, but I’m hating the idea of missing out on my DCs. Having to miss Christmas every other year probably, them going on holiday with him without me!! It all feels heartbreaking. There’s so many people that do it, but I’m now sure how they cope. I really understand the saying “staying together for the kids” now.

He’s also quite good looking and successful. So he’ll go off and find a shiny new girl, and I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but it will be awful to deal with! How have people coped with this? Meanwhile, I don’t have my career now, looking much older then before DCs, perhaps a little overweight, my prospects are grim. I’d also probably not even have time to meet anyone anyway. Then surely if I have 3 small DCs, that would put most people off.

Sorry that’s a ramble. No need to reply.

Keep you head high. You are going through the most difficult time of your life.
Don't put yourself down, don't criticise yourself for choices you made, you made them with the best intentions.

You are worth so much more
Watch this:
www.instagram.com/reel/DFcvjQHsJfn/?igsh=ODY1c2FwMWh3MzBw

@Gnarly999 completely understand where you’re coming from and the desperation to cling on to your family. I would suggest seeking counselling, for both of you individually and as a couple. At least that way you’ll be able to work out what each of you actually want and move forward in a more positive frame of mind. It does sound like you need to set some boundaries for the current set up though, it’s really not fair on you to be in this limbo situation while he makes his mind up. If he really wanted to save your marriage he would be taking time off work to focus on getting this sorted and knowing his own mind.

Even if he does stay you’ll always be worried he’ll leave at the first sign of trouble and that’s no way to live. He’s gone about this in the most unhelpful and hurtful way possible. It’s ok to tell a partner you aren’t happy and that the relationship needs work but threatening to leave, dangling hope and flitting in and out is just cruel.

Oh OP. I don't know if he realizes or cares how cruel he is being but try not to put up with it.

Maybe tell him that you want to work on it too but you find the uncertainty very painful. So either he stays and works on it or he leaves, but if he keeps changing his mind any more you will have to decide it for him.

If he interprets that as you wanting him to leave then I think you can safely conclude this behavior was about wanting it not to be his fault.

Also don't worry about meeting someone else for now. You need to get to a place where you are just happy being yourself with the kids and you don't feel like you need a man.

Then if an opportunity presents itself, great - maybe - but if I became single at this point (my DC are 9 and 5) I would be very hesitant to introduce an unrelated man into my kids lives until they were a lot older.

I think if you want him to stay then you shouldn't act be desperate. So be aloof, value yourself - why should he get to decide?
If you act like you're begging I doubt he will realise what a catch you are and what he is giving up.

You might not be able to end the relationship for him (because that’s not ideally what you want to happen). But I would highly advise you to be much more assertive and stronger towards him. Please don’t let him continue to walk all over you.

Something along the lines of:

Husband, the way you are treating me right now is horrendous. You can’t keep coming and going, leaving me dangling and not honestly communicating with me about what is going on for you. I still love you and would like to make this marriage work, but that can only happen if you are also fully committed to both working hard to get our marriage back on track. You need to take the next few days to seriously decide what it is you want and make a decision one way or the other.

@Hollietree 👏 yes this

Please don't stay together for the children. For any reason. Definitely don't stay together so that you don't have to be without your children while he has them. That's really unfair.

My ex has someone new already. I just think it's pathetic as he can't manage alone and isn't happy living with his mum. If you split, what your ex does is not your business anymore.

Focus on building up some self esteem and respect. Take charge of your life. Remember you are your own person. You're not an appendage of his or him.

'Sadly' I don't think he's coming back, and even if he did, I very much doubt that he would suddenly start treating you with the love and respect you deserve.

I'm not going to lie - it can be really difficult at first when they leave, but it does get better quite quickly. After a short while, I actually found parenting without him much easier, and I came to realise that he'd constantly undermined my parenting and was in no way supportive.

And knowing he definitely wouldn't be back actually felt better than when we were together and he went out on the lash with his friend and came back at ridiculous hours of the morning (including after I'd got up to go to work) and I'd be sitting there on my own wondering if/when he'd be home.

You will get through this, but you really need to take back control and not let him treat you like this.

Not something I'm hugely proud of but once, after ExH had left to live with the OW, he came back after work to collect some bits. I'd been to the hairdressers that day, had bought a new outfit and did my make-up really nicely. There was a bottle of red in the kitchen (I hate red wine) and he immediately started quizzing me about what was going on. I told him that an old (male) friend was coming round for dinner (completely made it up). He went absolutely ballistic and poured the wine down the sink and actually said 'how dare you'. Petty - maybe, but in that moment I felt I'd given him a taste of his own medicine and he didn't like it. (Not that I recommend it as a tactic)!

Wow @SabreToothTigerLilly how dare he think he has any say in your life after all that! Sounds like yours was definitely a case of the trash taking itself out.

@Aria999 - I know, what a cheeky f@"*er!

In my head, I regularly thank the OW for taking the tw@t off of my hands. I didn't feel like it at the time but now I'm hugely grateful.

She did actually apologise once for what happened. I just nodded towards my DP and said that she'd done me a huge favour.

@Gnarly999 your self-esteem has understandably taken a hit, and the longer he keeps you in limbo, the worse it will get.

You’re comparing yourself to him—his looks, his success—and coming up short in your mind. But that’s a false equation. You are single-handedly raising three very young children with limited input from him. Yes, you’re older, and your body may have changed, but someone who truly loves you wouldn’t care about that.

You need to find some self love and self worth here; you are a smart, compassionate, and capable woman. You are a prize. It doesn’t matter if he’s “God’s gift to women”—if he doesn’t appreciate you, he’s not worthy of you.

That said, I completely understand the fear of what this means for your family. Those are valid concerns. But the saying “when one door closes, another opens” is true. A friend of mine went through this, and for the Christmases she didn’t have her kids, she made sure to plan something special just for herself—something she couldn’t do when they were around. If you let go of him as a romantic partner, you open yourself up to someone new who will appreciate and adore you. Plenty of parents date and find happiness again—it’s not always easy, but it happens all the time

Right now I think you need a firmer approach. It might feel counterintuitive and even painful, but it will serve you better than letting him call all the shots.
• Avoid contacting him this week unless absolutely necessary. If you’ve agreed on updates about the kids, keep them minimal and factual. If you haven’t agreed on communication, don’t reach out—let him be the one to contact you. Minimise your availability.
• Then, on Thursday night or Friday morning, send him a message along these lines:
**
This time apart has been helpful for me to begin to think about how I really feel about separating and what is best for me. You know I take my marriage view seriously but at this point to be honest, I don’t know if I want to be married to you anymore.
However, we have very young children whom we are jointly responsible for and we need to decide how we go forward in a way that is best for them.
**
I am (still?) prepared to go to go to couples therapy to discuss this and see if we can resolve our issues or find a way to coparent amicably. I suggest you come over on Friday to discuss this”.

Shift the dynamic from his wants to yours. This approach might call his bluff or it may push him to walk away—but at least you’ll have your answer and aren’t left in this limbo.

Regardless of what happens, your focus needs to be on rebuilding you. Whether that’s through volunteering, going back to work a couple of days a week, or simply carving out time for yourself. Make sure any childcare /custody arrangements build this in sufficiently. Forget how you look, I can pretty much guarantee it’s much much more real and gorgeous than anything he’s been watching with his five fingered friend.

It all seems very grey now, but you are a catch, and you are quite likely to meet someone nice (raise your standards girl!).
I do understand your sentiment about missing out time with kids! Sending best wishes your way! ❤️

I think he is better off with some who understand travelling for work is expected for a good life in senior roles, your request effectively cuts off his future ambitions so that will be the issue. Honestly you would both be better off with partners who understand each of your main wants in life. He may or may not get 50/50 so remember to make sure you know the size of the family pot.

So weird how some people think telling your ex he will have them 50/50 is some kind of threat. This is the dumbest advice I’ve ever read why would you put on the table something he has never mentioned and would leave you worse off. Why do you think a man would change his ambition to separate on the basis he will have probably the same amount of time he has with his children now but with out the adult dependent I’m being blunt but I think you need to be as logical as he THINKS he is being. You are strong enough to get through thiS.

I’m so so sorry I just read your updates I really would have recommended do not make the 50/50 statement to any type of executive who is ambitious you change the situation into a win lose negotiation. This is just his work face, if you want him to stop and breathe it needs a different approach.

Welcome to Mumsnet Andrew Tate 👋🏼

Why did you say that, such an odd response their fundamentally different he seems more materialistic she seems more family they are incompatible Andrew Tate would not have that view weird sad covexty