Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Thank you for the lovely messages.

For the others, I don’t think any option is ideal. Looking after them on my own when I’m a mess, being physically sick, crying uncontrollably and shaking would not have been good for them. It would have been extremely unsettling for them. So even though I am the better parent, in that state, I could hardly look after myself.

Lots of the ladies on here were right, I had to go talk to someone in real life and get some support for myself, so I can go back later today and try and keep it together for them all next week.

It’s so so horrible. I can’t believe how many woman have been through this. It’s physical pain. Well done to everyone who’s got through this, you’re so strong!

He needs to concentrate on his work! I think he needs to concentrate on his kids and stop being a wanker.

Story would have been better if the husband had left and asked to return after 2 years.

why in earth did you think YOU with children needed to leave the family home when he was initiating the break up?

It's extremely hard OP but you will get through it, when people say time is a healer believe them. It will be hard and you will have your ups and your downs but you've got to keep yourself busy, see friends, see family, make arrangements to do stuff with the kids with other friends/mums do stuff for you too when you get the chance if he has the kids like your hair done, nails done a coffee or cocktail date with a girl friend to make you feel a bit better. Most of all don't take his shit, don't allow him to be in your business and for him to have a say on what you do etc as I know some men try that after. If you can and I know it takes so much strength just contact him within regards to the children nothing else. Get yourself some legal advice and start the process with finances and the home etc if you both own it. It's time to focus on you now and get yourself in a position that's going to support your children and yourself for the future.

You WILL get through this trust me! If you have to ring the Gp up and ask for some help maybe some counselling so you can at least talk about all this, it helped me when my husband left me and the kids for another woman. I cried, I got angry, I was confused and I was able to get it all out once a week it's like a grieving process you go through all the different emotions.

Oh OP I've just read through your entire thread. It's awful and you're right the physical pain is almost unbearable but with support, you will get through it although it probably doesn't feel like it.

He sounds like an utter prick tbh and eventually you'll realise you're better off without him.

@Gnarly999 you did right by yourself. And it will physically and emotionally hurt it's normal. But try not too bottle it up let it out in a safe environment scream, cry etc. One step at a time to get you through the days.

Just wanting to add: stop using his behaviour as down to stress. And people stop gaslighting you that you are behaving your way because you are depressed.

he is a class A fuckwit who doesn’t deserve you or his family.

he has checked out of your marriage and if he is now nasty when he wasn’t when you first met then there is proof. He is having an affair with the colleague- at least emotionally if not physically. The masturbation and only fans subscription is gross. Moving you and isolating you from your family then travelling also abusive.

But you have played your part by allowing this to happen- and you sound strong and independent, so why are you holding onto this marriage like you are a 1960’s housewife? You mention breaking up the ‘family’ really you don’t have a functional family! A husband/father never there, and when he is he is abusive to children and wife. Narcistic that his hobbies / Car come before family. And this is only what you have told us and you have hinted at more.

you are financially independent so you don’t have the reason most women have for trying to make it work.

when is MN going to have voting buttons for keep or rid? It’s rid from me.

Not blaming the OP. My post was to encourage her to accept the situation and not try to keep him in an unhappy marriage because it’s the lesser of two evils.

I do wonder if the OP’s absence over the weekend, and him having to “cope” with 2 of his 3 children, may have made him think. If he thinks life is hard now, wait til he’s got all 3 of them 50/50 …

Why would he choose to have them 50/50? He’s pretty much checked out of family life.

@Gnarly999

I'm so glad you told your folks. And yes, I think it was a good idea to get away for a bit. You need to catch your breath.

As far as the DC, remember that divorce is commonplace these days. They will have many children around them who live in single parent homes. The will be 'one of many' in their own peer groups. If you can remain calm and reassuring, then they will be calm and reassured. I'm not saying there will be no upset at first, I'm saying that they will settle into their new 'routines' because you will help them and they will see other children doing the Mum time/Dad time routine.

If it's possible, can you extend your visit a couple of days and see a solicitor whilst your mum or dad is there to go with you? A 2nd set of eyes and ears can be invaluable when you're having a stressed or upset appointment.

No way will he really do 50/50.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

You will get through it, and your husband is a lazy, selfish arse.

Literally.

Hope you arrived home safety and slightly in a better mindset.

If dh is being an arse and giving you a bad time, detach, go in another room do not engage in his games

Hope you managed to get a little bit of sleep @Gnarly999
Could you ask one or both of your parents to come up and stay with you this week, or take all the kids and stay with them for extra support?
I presume he’s left the house, but if he hasn’t it would be fairly joyous to have the spineless feck have to look your parents in the eye.
Sending big hugs 💕

Really sorry to read your updates @Gnarly999. But glad you're getting some real-life support now that will hopefully help you to summon your inner strength.

Thank you for this.

Thank you for all the replies. They’ve been so valuable.

As you can imagine I’m still a mess, but holding it together most of the time for the kids. Typical timing that it’s half term and freezing, which isn’t ideal!

So to update. He left to stay at his parents house, although he came back to help with bedtime tonight and last night. He’s away for work from tomorrow - Friday. With her of course. On a side note, she’s collecting him from there in the morning, so I said, “have you told her?”. He seemed surprised and said “no, oh yeah, I’ll have to think of something to say” and then suggested the excuse he’d use as to why he’s at his parents house.

He’s seemingly acting like everything’s normal, and frustratingly (I think), he’s acting like a great dad. Usually if he did bathtime, he’d have at least one earphone in, or probably sit on the loo on his phone, but today he was actually chatting to them! I should be happy about that, but I couldn’t understand why now he chooses to be so present with them. Guilt maybe?

He’s suggested coming over when he returns from his trip, to talk on Friday eve. Saying his head is a mess and he needs to decide what he wants. He seems to be back tracking and now calling leaving, just needing “space”. I said, so you want to try work this out? He said, “of course, but I just don’t know if I can”. I also asked him what I should tell the girls while he’s away. Usually I’d say “don’t worry, daddy will be back on Friday”, and he said, just tell them what you usually do. I said “but you won’t be back properly on Friday”, and he said “I might be”.

I so want to be the woman that tells him where to go. He really deserves it. But honestly (and pathetically - I know), any glimmer of hope actually settles my stomach and I feel like I can actually eat and function for a moment. It’s not helping that my parents and his parents want us to work it out.

But of course, this makes this week feel like last week again. Angst. Then probably a heartbreaking conversation again on Friday and another weekend of falling apart.

Has anyone else been like this? Why can’t I seem to get it in my head properly that he’s gone? I’m in denial I think. Maybe because it seems easier than facing up to it all.

Urgh, I hate being such a doormat!!

I’m saying this because like you I did the same thing, but he still left when the timing was right for him. I regret it so so much that I let him treat me like this and how now I wish I’d of said No Go Now

Your doing what your doing because you think he
” might change his mind “ and to not push it and make him angry so he will turn round and say to you “ this is exactly why I’m leaving”
basically he’s fucking your head up , giving you hope and he knows what he wants to too coward to do it so leaving you hanging on waiting

Get some self respect, and just say NO your not fucking my head up because you can’t decide
im deciding for you (tough)
your going

how long are you prepared to let him keep giving you hope and have you dangling ??

If he wants to make a go of it 100% then he will come grovelling back , saying he’s sorry for putting you through the things he has
and more importantly listen to what you say and want

So basically he and the parents get to decide the rest of your life???

I'd tell him if he wants back he has to earn it, otherwise you are done. He can live with his mother, come over daily for parenting duties and find a job somewhere the girlfriend doesn't work.

If he wavers, dump him and move on.

Your reaction is very, very common. You are being put through an emotional rollercoaster and it’s really, really cruel.

Do you have a counsellor already you could talk to? If not is there anyone who could have the kids for a few hours (his parents maybe, if they live close by) so you could find someone (professional) to talk to? Alternatively there are some great counsellors who work remotely over zoom etc. You obviously have support from your family, but speaking to an outsider might really help you. They can help you focus on you and working out what you actually want and need. Just because he might decide he wants to come home on Friday, that doesn’t actually mean that’s what’s best for you after how you’ve been treated.

What line of business is he in?

How can he just flit off every week with this girl? Is he her boss?

Have you checked his phone?

He is messing around for sure!

im furious on your behalf

You should give him a taste of separation and dump the children on him fri- sun for a start!

Tho I’m v surprised his superiors keep allowing travel every week with his female colleague

OP I wish I could impart on you the feeling you'll have when you finally get rid of this man who is dragging you down. I too let my stbxh treat me like a doormat whilst he 'worked on his mental health' shagged the OW and worked out what HE wanted' I finally made the decision for him and told him where to go and this was before I figured out the truth.

You are braver than you realise and it sounds like you've been doing it all pretty much solo anyway so you'll probably feel not a whole lot of difference without him there permanently.

As PP have said it totally is a rollercoaster of emotions and much like grieving a person who is still alive. I went up and down and round and round but you do come through and when the clouds lift you'll kick yourself for allowing him to walk all over you.

Sending strength and positivity. YOU should be the one to decide what you want but he's shown his true colours. Believe him.

I asked my husband for a trial separation. I needed time to think about the issue and I couldn't do that with him in the house. We'd been through another really awful and shocking time years before and this time, I truly expected to do a couple of days then be needing him back.

We spoke, he said four words, packed a bag and left. When I shut the door I felt like the whole world had fallen off my shoulders and I even cheered to the dog. That told me everything. Admittedly I then spent 18 months not eating properly as was never hungry but I have never regretted my decision and have divorced him.

I have been comfort eating for years and it was because of him and not the reason I thought, so the not eating was just because I was waiting it be hungry. You only being able to eat when he's there is possibly because your brain is tricking you with what it is used to.

This man is waiting to see if the OW wants him to move in before he decides what to say to you. He is being cruel by giving you false hope but you are giving him control of your life. Why?

It is 100% irrelevant that both sets of parents want you to work it out. Of course they do. My now ex MIL was supportive when I was trying to find a way to stay last time. Not so much this time when I was clear it was over. Not at all really.

Garner some strength and self respect and tell him it's over. You can be that person if you want to be. Just decide.

If you knew me two years ago and saw me now you'd understand what I'm saying and believe me, if I can do it so can you.

Tell him to go.

Of course you won't, but taking the power out of his hands will start to build your self esteem and strength.

Say it's time for us to move on (no, I know you don't want him to do this - but he already HAS, in his heart and mind.)

The relationship is over. Him hanging around, will I, won't I, with you constantly in a state of uncertain anxiety is damaging your mental health. YOURS. And as the only one properly parenting children, yours is more important.

The children too - this flip flopping about will HARM them.

They need a stable new normal that they can start to get used to. It won't be the one you wanted for you all, because he and his sidecunt (and women who do this are always guilty, zero sympathy) don't want what you do. But it will be one with you in control and them knowing where they stand.