Page 21 | Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

Gnarly999 · 2025-02-10T14:33:09+00:00

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here.. I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him. After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us! I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless. what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave? I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Cottonplease · 15/02/2025 20:28

Hope you're OK OP. Doesn't feel like it right now but him leaving is far better for you than him staying there and you being left in limbo wondering what is happening. He's actually done you a favour. In the long run you'll grow stronger and he'll miss out on being close with his dcs. You'll move on quicker than you think. You come across as strong. He a cowardly shit and doesn't deserve you.

Golow · 15/02/2025 20:36

Good for you getting support from your parents, and leaving him to parent his own children. It'll be easier for the older two to get used to it the sooner it starts, so starting as you mean to go on is very sensible.

It's hard to read whether he's going to want 50:50 or if he'll attempt minimum parenting possible. He could of course buy his nanny in, rope his mum in and / or new GFs to get him covered for 50% (he's a man) or he might be true to form and run away from his responsibilities. You've got no control over that - all you can do is decide what would be best for you and work towards trying to secure that.

My concern for you would be that the relationship has broken down so fundamentally and he seems so selfish that co-parenting could prove challenging and he might make choices that are vindictive rather than in the interests of the kids. You're going to have to find everything you've got within you to keep it as civil as you can in order to try and coparent with this dick for the next 18 years. His MIL may be an ally with this.

Thinking of you and hope your parents are being supportive 💕

Mylovelygreendress · 15/02/2025 21:35

His Mum will probably step in to help.

Milosc · 15/02/2025 22:04

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:10

It feels like you’re using your daughters to keep him in the house a few more days. You also seem to want him to understand how difficult parenting without you will be.

He’s told you he wants to go - you need to let him go.

Why should the OP have to take care of all 3 DC whilst she is an emotional wreck? For fucks sake he is their father and is not watching them they are his damn kids. Perhaps she knows it is best for them to not see her fall apart as she is in shock. My God, I cannot believe the posters here Acting like leaving the kids with their father is akin to trapping him in the home.🙄

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 22:14

Milosc · 15/02/2025 22:04

Why should the OP have to take care of all 3 DC whilst she is an emotional wreck? For fucks sake he is their father and is not watching them they are his damn kids. Perhaps she knows it is best for them to not see her fall apart as she is in shock. My God, I cannot believe the posters here Acting like leaving the kids with their father is akin to trapping him in the home.🙄

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Not what I said. Re-read and try again.

Pallisers · 15/02/2025 23:09

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:10

It feels like you’re using your daughters to keep him in the house a few more days. You also seem to want him to understand how difficult parenting without you will be.

He’s told you he wants to go - you need to let him go.

She isn't keeping him anywhere. Needing to mind his own children this weekend is. Although if he wanted to "go" so badly then he could have gone and taken the kids with him. As if.

But don't worry so much about him. He'll be skipping off soon without a worry about who is doing the actual day to day hour to hour rearing of a baby a toddler and a preschooler. hint - it won't be him.

Pallisers · 15/02/2025 23:13

Shera12 · 15/02/2025 18:02

Sure he can. Sadly.

i don’t want to be mean to the OP because it must be heartbreaking but please don’t use your daughters as pawns to prove a point to him. You still need to put them first. They’ll know something is going down and mine would have been worried if I’d walked out and left them behind in these circumstances.

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Actually you are being mean to the OP.

She has been told her marriage is over - shockingly quickly 6 months after she had a baby. She took her baby with her to visit her parents and get some real life support. She left the other 2 children with their father who presumably is perfectly capable of minding his own children. But YOU say she is using her children as pawns.

Shameful to say that to a woman dealing with what the OP is dealing with. And what on earth do you think of men if you think leaving them for a weekend with their own children is "using your children as pawns"

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 23:17

Pallisers · 15/02/2025 23:09

She isn't keeping him anywhere. Needing to mind his own children this weekend is. Although if he wanted to "go" so badly then he could have gone and taken the kids with him. As if.

But don't worry so much about him. He'll be skipping off soon without a worry about who is doing the actual day to day hour to hour rearing of a baby a toddler and a preschooler. hint - it won't be him.

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Literally wasn’t the point I was making. OP is using the weekend to show him how hard parenting is in the hope he stays married to her for an easy life.

You think that’s healthy?

By the way, he does want to “go”. It’s in the update that he wanted to leave that morning. But OP has forced him into staying in the house. She is in denial and preventing the inevitable. My point was that she needs to start accepting the situation.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 23:20

Pallisers · 15/02/2025 23:13

Actually you are being mean to the OP.

She has been told her marriage is over - shockingly quickly 6 months after she had a baby. She took her baby with her to visit her parents and get some real life support. She left the other 2 children with their father who presumably is perfectly capable of minding his own children. But YOU say she is using her children as pawns.

Shameful to say that to a woman dealing with what the OP is dealing with. And what on earth do you think of men if you think leaving them for a weekend with their own children is "using your children as pawns"

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He’s not capable. Read the OP’s posts.she is using them to show him he can’t parent alone and for that reason needs to stay in the marriage. Aka using them as pawns.

Pallisers · 15/02/2025 23:22

OP is using the weekend to show him how hard parenting is in the hope he stays married to her for an easy life.

You just made that up. She never said it. If she did your comment would be fine but she didn't. She said she left the 2 older ones with him saying told DH he can look after the girls all weekend, let’s see how he likes that.

where in there is there hoping he will stay married to her for an easy life?? It reads as you can leave a marriage but you cannot leave your children so easily - their needs go on regardless. Good for OP if she has managed to point this out to him.

this woman's long-term relationship is breaking down suddenly, shockingly. Letting him go isn't a thing. He is gone. Having him mind his own children for a weekend when she desperately needs support in real life - that's a thing.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/02/2025 23:41

OP is using the weekend to show him how hard parenting is in the hope he stays married to her for an easy life.
Not at all.
Showing men who've checked out of marriage how hard it is, just confirms the choices for them.

Men can and do leave without sharing parental responsibility past finances (only because they're legally obliged to pay). Otherwise they skip off into the new life.

You can't force the other parent into shared care, OP is aware her DH is an impatient parent.

She has every right to take the baby away.

Are you his work colleague by any chance?

StormingNorman · 16/02/2025 00:08

Milosc · 15/02/2025 22:04

Why should the OP have to take care of all 3 DC whilst she is an emotional wreck? For fucks sake he is their father and is not watching them they are his damn kids. Perhaps she knows it is best for them to not see her fall apart as she is in shock. My God, I cannot believe the posters here Acting like leaving the kids with their father is akin to trapping him in the home.🙄

Show quote history

You missed the point.

StormingNorman · 16/02/2025 00:12

Pallisers · 15/02/2025 23:22

OP is using the weekend to show him how hard parenting is in the hope he stays married to her for an easy life.

You just made that up. She never said it. If she did your comment would be fine but she didn't. She said she left the 2 older ones with him saying told DH he can look after the girls all weekend, let’s see how he likes that.

where in there is there hoping he will stay married to her for an easy life?? It reads as you can leave a marriage but you cannot leave your children so easily - their needs go on regardless. Good for OP if she has managed to point this out to him.

this woman's long-term relationship is breaking down suddenly, shockingly. Letting him go isn't a thing. He is gone. Having him mind his own children for a weekend when she desperately needs support in real life - that's a thing.

This evening I suggested (as many suggested on here), that if we do split then I will want to go back to work and he will have the kids more than the odd weekend. His answer infuriated me, he said “sure, sounds good”. So calmly, like it was nothing! I asked how he’d cope, given that he struggles alone with the oldest two and when he takes over with all three (so I can wash or go for a little run), all hell is breaking loose and he gets so so stressed and shouts at them.

That’s where I made it up

OP knows this weekend is going to be a shitshow. She also wants him to stay in the relationship still. He also told her he would be leaving that morning and now she’s prevented that by leaving first.

Pallisers · 16/02/2025 00:28

what you've quoted was from the OP a day or so ago -possibly a few days ago. Before her husband told her he was absolutely leaving her. So nothing to do with why the OP left her 2 children with their father while she got some support after he told her he was gone and their marriage was over.

I have no idea why someone reading this thread would try to blame the OP for anything.

OP knows this weekend is going to be a shitshow. She also wants him to stay in the relationship still. He also told her he would be leaving that morning and now she’s prevented that by leaving first.

This is ALL blaming the OP for ... something... not sure what? Expecting her husband to mind his own children??? She PREVENTED him leaving by expecting him to mind his own children. Seriously?

Shera12 · 16/02/2025 01:24

Pallisers · 16/02/2025 00:28

what you've quoted was from the OP a day or so ago -possibly a few days ago. Before her husband told her he was absolutely leaving her. So nothing to do with why the OP left her 2 children with their father while she got some support after he told her he was gone and their marriage was over.

I have no idea why someone reading this thread would try to blame the OP for anything.

OP knows this weekend is going to be a shitshow. She also wants him to stay in the relationship still. He also told her he would be leaving that morning and now she’s prevented that by leaving first.

This is ALL blaming the OP for ... something... not sure what? Expecting her husband to mind his own children??? She PREVENTED him leaving by expecting him to mind his own children. Seriously?

No one is blaming her for anything. But she knows he can’t competently watch them. She has literally said it herself in the post quoted above. I wouldn’t leave my daughters with anyone, parent or not, who would spend the weekend stressed and shouting at them, just to make a point (or for any reason, if I could avoid it, to be honest). They still need to come first.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/02/2025 01:36

No one is blaming her for anything. But she knows he can’t competently watch them. She has literally said it herself in the post quoted

Of course he can, his huffing puff and lack of patience around the children, is mostly for OP's benefit, so she'll step in.

Without OP He's responsible.

He's just a lazy twat who wants the easy option.

Shera12 · 16/02/2025 02:06

Let’s hope so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Itsnotmyjobtoeducatestupid · 16/02/2025 08:09

Well I’m shocked that the OP would be attacked for going to see her parents. He doesn’t get to decide how she responds. He’s leaving fine he’s dropped a bomb on her she left the younger two and she took the baby to her parents. I don’t give a flying ass that people think she’s using her daughters as pawns don’t you get it - her life has been torn apart - leave the older two let them have time with their dad she needed to leave / clear her head/ have time with her parents. It’s not selfish it’s not manipulative or anything she needed to get some head space and clarity.

and even if it was so bloody what he’s their dad- let him have the older kids for the weekend - do you fucking blame her I don’t.

rest up/ speak to your parents or just have their support he’s going to drop more bomb shells when you return but you’ve got this
xxx

icantgetnosheep1 · 16/02/2025 08:15

@Itsnotmyjobtoeducatestupid couldn't agree more!!

Kitchensinktoday · 16/02/2025 08:19

Itsnotmyjobtoeducatestupid · 16/02/2025 08:09

Well I’m shocked that the OP would be attacked for going to see her parents. He doesn’t get to decide how she responds. He’s leaving fine he’s dropped a bomb on her she left the younger two and she took the baby to her parents. I don’t give a flying ass that people think she’s using her daughters as pawns don’t you get it - her life has been torn apart - leave the older two let them have time with their dad she needed to leave / clear her head/ have time with her parents. It’s not selfish it’s not manipulative or anything she needed to get some head space and clarity.

and even if it was so bloody what he’s their dad- let him have the older kids for the weekend - do you fucking blame her I don’t.

rest up/ speak to your parents or just have their support he’s going to drop more bomb shells when you return but you’ve got this
xxx

Totally agree. Anyone would think the OP had hired him as a childminder for the weekend - bit that’s not the case, they are HIS children!

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/02/2025 08:19

By the way, he does want to “go”. It’s in the update that he wanted to leave that morning. But OP has forced him into staying in the house.

When you have children it’s not about what you want. He’s a parent as much as the OP is, with the same responsibilities so no he can’t decide he’s leaving and walk out the door without a thought as to who will care for the kids he helped bring into the world. It’s reasonable for the OP to seek support from her family and to expect him to care for the older children. He’s staying in the house, without the wife he’s just dumped, to care for his own children, he’s hardly imprisoned.

Mylovelygreendress · 16/02/2025 08:27

@Jellycatspyjamas . How many men simply pack up and leave without any thought about how their partners are going to cope on their own with DC? My exh did that and I just had to get on with things while he moved on to his shiny new family . It was so hard .
OP hasn’t abandoned her DC , her world has been turned upside down so she needs support .
For a forum that’s supposed to support women , there’s a lot of criticism towards someone who is clearly struggling .

Kitchensinktoday · 16/02/2025 08:29

When you have children it’s not about what you want. He’s a parent as much as the OP is, with the same responsibilities so no he can’t decide he’s leaving and walk out the door without a thought as to who will care for the kids he helped bring into the world.

This. Why is it fine for him to go off on “business trips” and leave the entire marriage, leaving the OP with the children but somehow NOT ok for the OP to go to her parents? Double standards.

Hollietree · 16/02/2025 09:08

Cannot believe anyone is trying to kick the boot into the OP or her decision making now. She came to Mumsnet for support and advice. Right now her world has come crashing down around her, she is likely in deep shock and grief. How anyone could read this thread and decide the right thing to do was to make a post criticising this poor lady is unbelievable.

If you haven’t got kind or supportive things to post, then please move away from this post.

@Gnarly999 if you are still reading this - I hope that you have been looked after by your parents this weekend and have been able to have time and space to think. You don’t need to make any rush decisions about the future right now……. but I would urge you to see a solicitor this week. Knowledge is power.

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/02/2025 09:17

@Mylovelygreendress absolutely agree with you, she’s left her children in the care of their dad while she seeks support. If anything is stopping him leave it’s his responsibility for his children.