Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

1000 replies

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 14:33

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

OP posts:
Catpuss66 · 15/02/2025 13:58

You will find your life is easier rather than trying to get someone to help that doesn’t want too I speak from experience. You are an educated woman. I hope you have been preparing for this you seem to have your head screwed on in regards to finances. Get passwords, look at bank accounts, get NI numbers…..tell people IRL they will support you. Stop focusing on him now focus on you & your children.

justasking111 · 15/02/2025 14:02

He was out the door with the third pregnancy. He didn't sit down and say I don't want this baby it's too much for us. Which few men do. I wish they were better communicator's.

This happened in our family accidental baby the third. It's been so hard for both of them only eased off when they were all in school.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2025 14:08

@Gnarly999

I agree with others. You NEED to tell someone IRL. Not only for support but to make this real to you.

I hate to sound harsh but he's now told you (at least) twice that he's finished with the marriage. Remember the saying "believe what they say the first time"? Now, you have been told twice so it's time to believe, gather your resources, and start building your own future.

You may want to think 'but he came home after he left, maybe he'll come back again'. Love, he can come back 1000 times but that doesn't mean he's really 'there'. It's probably very convenient for him to be there so why not take advantage of it (and you) whilst he sets up his bachelor life?

It's time. I'm not saying you can change how you feel, but you can act in your own best interests despite your feelings. All you need is someone IRL to stand next to you and prod you on. Remember, he's already far down this road you're beginning to trod. You need to get busy playing 'catch up'.

You can do this. And you will have to, willing or no.

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 14:17

Please check online calculators too, to see if you can claim some UC. There's no guarantee he will keep paying half the mortgage.

Original poster
Gnarly999 · 15/02/2025 14:59

Thank you all! I’m a real mess. I told my parents and driven to theirs a few hours away with DC3 for the weekend and told DH he can look after the girls all weekend, let’s see how he likes that.
Yes it has been a relief finally telling someone in real life! I’m still such a mess but they are looking after me.
It all does feel so hopeless and horrible though. I’m not heartbroken for him, it’s for our family, and what our children will go through, and probably the fight ahead.
Awful. Still in shock that he’s actually done it.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 15/02/2025 15:02

I worried about the effect on my children if we split but they are thriving and not fussed their father has turned into more of a dick who is prioritising his girlfriend. Kids are fine as long as they have one constant, decent, supportive and loving parent. That's me. Make sure it's you.

Aria999 · 15/02/2025 15:08

It must be awful but I agree with pp you are well out of it. Now you can move on with your life.

I wonder if the reason he is so relaxed about having the kids to stay with him half the time is because there is another woman and he assumes she will deal with any issues.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:10

It feels like you’re using your daughters to keep him in the house a few more days. You also seem to want him to understand how difficult parenting without you will be.

He’s told you he wants to go - you need to let him go.

Birdie280125 · 15/02/2025 15:19

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:10

It feels like you’re using your daughters to keep him in the house a few more days. You also seem to want him to understand how difficult parenting without you will be.

He’s told you he wants to go - you need to let him go.

He's capable of looking after his own kids for couple of days, give the woman a break!

MakeItToTheMoon · 15/02/2025 15:31

OP I'm really glad your parents are there to support you. I think he's been playing such a silly game stringing you along for so long.

He's actually a very weak man but you must feel so deflated and heartbroken right now.

His excuses are pathetic. You are so much better than him, and he's made you think that you are the problem.... so manipulative!

Hopefully you will be in a better place very soon now that he's stopped the mind games.

You have three beautiful children just remember that

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:32

Birdie280125 · 15/02/2025 15:19

He's capable of looking after his own kids for couple of days, give the woman a break!

Show quote history

You know his parenting better than the OP, who knew exactly what she was doing by leaving him alone with the oldest two…

“This evening I suggested (as many suggested on here), that if we do split then I will want to go back to work and he will have the kids more than the odd weekend. His answer infuriated me, he said “sure, sounds good”. So calmly, like it was nothing! I asked how he’d cope, given that he struggles alone with the oldest two and when he takes over with all three (so I can wash or go for a little run), all hell is breaking loose and he gets so so stressed and shouts at them”.

Aria999 · 15/02/2025 16:14

@StormingNorman that's on him. He chose to have kids and walk out on them when they were little. They are still his responsibility.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 16:21

Aria999 · 15/02/2025 16:14

@StormingNorman that's on him. He chose to have kids and walk out on them when they were little. They are still his responsibility.

Ok. That wasn’t my point. My point is that OP is still trying to make him stay. She needs to accept the relationship is over.

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 16:33

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:10

It feels like you’re using your daughters to keep him in the house a few more days. You also seem to want him to understand how difficult parenting without you will be.

He’s told you he wants to go - you need to let him go.

She doesn't owe him anything. He can leave her. He cannot leave his daughters.

Shera12 · 15/02/2025 18:02

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 16:33

She doesn't owe him anything. He can leave her. He cannot leave his daughters.

Show quote history

Sure he can. Sadly.

i don’t want to be mean to the OP because it must be heartbreaking but please don’t use your daughters as pawns to prove a point to him. You still need to put them first. They’ll know something is going down and mine would have been worried if I’d walked out and left them behind in these circumstances.

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:13

Shera12 · 15/02/2025 18:02

Sure he can. Sadly.

i don’t want to be mean to the OP because it must be heartbreaking but please don’t use your daughters as pawns to prove a point to him. You still need to put them first. They’ll know something is going down and mine would have been worried if I’d walked out and left them behind in these circumstances.

Show quote history

Well, then he can do that once she's home from her mums. He wants to separate from her so she's taken herself away for the weekend - he can't argue with being expected to mind his own children while his wife gets her head around the separation he is demanding.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 15/02/2025 18:13

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 16:33

She doesn't owe him anything. He can leave her. He cannot leave his daughters.

Show quote history

Of course he can. Men (mostly) do it every day. Off they fuck to the shiny new woman.

Some never bother with their DC ever again.

I am not saying it will be like this for OP, but let’s not pretend there’s some law that forces men like this to parent their children. There just isn’t.

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:14

But the OP doesn't have to make it easy for him.

Scentedjasmin · 15/02/2025 18:26

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 15:10

It feels like you’re using your daughters to keep him in the house a few more days. You also seem to want him to understand how difficult parenting without you will be.

He’s told you he wants to go - you need to let him go.

Of course she wants him to realise what parenting is actually like. He needs a reality check. Right now he thinks that he can swan off and leave her to deal with it all. She's been dealing with all 3 babies and still has the youngest. She's not some desperate woman out to manipulate him into staying. But he needs to understand the reality of what he is doing.

Scentedjasmin · 15/02/2025 18:29

And she's not "using" her children as pawns FFS. God, some people are clueless and unable to empathise at all.

Hollietree · 15/02/2025 18:33

I think very sensible to leave children with him this weekend. You need to be assertive with child sharing duties and what you expect from him from day one - if you let him swan off and have a few weekend childfree right now, then this will be a precedent that he will expect to continue.

Yes you can’t force him to have the children …… we all know that. But it’s very sensible to try set things up in a fair way from day one. Try to control the narrative if you can.

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:35

He has been mentally gearing up for this for weeks. This is new to you. It's not unreasonable to need time and head space to catch up on it all, and doing that without the kids underfoot is better

Catpuss66 · 15/02/2025 19:58

Shera12 · 15/02/2025 18:02

Sure he can. Sadly.

i don’t want to be mean to the OP because it must be heartbreaking but please don’t use your daughters as pawns to prove a point to him. You still need to put them first. They’ll know something is going down and mine would have been worried if I’d walked out and left them behind in these circumstances.

Show quote history

Why is she using the children as pawns why she goes to get familial help after a disturbing episode caused by her husband? She is 4 months after delivering her 3rd baby & she needs someone to look after her for a change. Just to let you know you are being mean, let’s hope someone can return the favour when you need support.

spicemaiden · 15/02/2025 20:08

Ever ceases to amaze me how many women will attempt to tell a woman she's a bad mother if she leaves yhd kids with the other 50% of the parent unit.

No one's ever trying to tell fathers they're bad if the gif away gif the weekend and leave mums in charge.

There is nothing women doing that here?? You're all part of the problem of why women end up trapped.

2025willbemytime · 15/02/2025 20:12

Given very soon she'll probably have the kids 95% of the time, having a weekend with just the baby where her parents care for her, is perfectly fine. She's not left them with a stranger.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread