Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

This!!!!
Don't be harsh on yourself! You area wonderful person, he should be begging you for forgiveness! Try and gain some space from him.

Last night must have been incredibly hurtful and disappointing. That said, I think you have more control here than you realise. For whatever reason, he hasn’t walked away, and he did come back under the condition that he apologise and make changes. Did you discuss this with him? Did you tell him what changes you needed? Did he actually apologise as you asked?

He does sound emotionally checked out, but I wonder if he even has the maturity to apologise—or if his ego is stopping him from admitting he was wrong. This is key because even if he wanted to fix things, he won’t be able to if he can’t get past this.

Ultimately, the ball is in your court. Do you accept his lackluster effort while using the time to prepare for his departure? Or do you hold your head high and say, this isn’t good enough for me anymore. Sadly, waiting for him to change and recommit may only prolong your pain and delay the inevitable.

Are you sure he’s actually at work or away for the reasons he claims? Can you verify his hotel bookings or how many rooms were reserved? He might just be avoiding home—or he could be having an affair.

You may already feel you have enough proof of his lack of commitment to end things. But if you need confirmation of an affair as a final push, that’s understandable.

Ending a relationship is a big step, but from your last post, it sounds like you might be at that point. Sending you strength as you make your decision. ⭐️

He's a tool isn't he?

I would honestly think about all this OP he's not who you thought he was and you deserve so much better and know this! Thought he was doing something for valentines for you? His actions are speaking a lot louder than his words from what you have said. He is no longer checked in with the marriage or the family life and how he's making you feel. He's a self absorbed, arrogant prick who's only thinking of his own selfish ass, he couldn't care less what he's put you through this week. He's a piece of shit! Fuck him off.

Just to add - I think he’s doing this so that you end it, possibly because he hasn’t got the ball's, and possibly so that he isn’t the bad guy. He can run back to his mummy and say ‘look I tried but she ended it’ and spin the narrative to your kids and friends is you ended it.

It’s controlling and abusive and you need to see it for what it is. You deserve peace and emotional safety. This must feel horrendous but you are doing brilliantly.

Everything he's done and said since you posted is on his mother's instruction. She's told him to go back home, she's told him to buy steak and wine, she's told him to be present on Valentines and she's told him to talk to you. Hence his petulant answers to you last night. He's literally being held hostage. I'm so so sorry OP but he really doesn't like you and it's hurting him to be there. This is why you MUST take control now, do not let this childish selfish toad treat you and your children like this.

Told me he’s leaving this morning!!!

I'm so sorry xx

His supremely half arsed attempt at making you be the instigator/bad guy didn't work though, and he's desperate to get away so much that taking the 'blame' in zero time at all was his only desperate option. Defo get the ball moving on the financial security suggestions as mentioned in previous posts, as soon as possible. And legal advice.

Tell as many close family and friends as you feel comfortable with, I hope your support network is fast moving and limitless xx

I’m so sorry, I know it’s not what you want and you must be devastated, however in the long term you will rise and flourish and be so much happier without him. He sounds awful and you can and will do so much better.

You really do need to tell people and get real life support, including legal advice.

So sorry.

Completely agree with this! I

I'm so sorry Op, this must feel unbelievably painful. Have you got anyone who can come over and be with you today? Sending you so much strength and power for your next chapter, where you find you again free of this miserable man.

You need to confide in your friends and family. You need the support. Let him leave and be done with it. Now you know where you are and it's time to heal and grieve your marriage.

Agreed that he was clearly hoping you’d be the bad guy and pull the plug so well done OP for not giving him that satisfaction. I do unfortunately think it sounds like someone else is involved. It might take time for him to admit that but I would proceed forward with that acceptance (as incredibly hard as that may be).

This 👆🏼
I’m so sorry @Gnarly999 . As others have said the people around you in real life need to know what’s going on, especially that it’s him choosing to leave without even engaging with you.
Is there anyone who it would be appropriate to direct to this thread so they can read for themselves? Or just screenshot your posts to send to them so you don’t have to described it all again?

@Gnarly999 I’m so sorry, allow yourself time to feel whatever it is you need to feel. There will be a grieving process for the life you had and the future you imagined. Remember that he is not the man you knew, he can never be that man again and ultimately he is not your friend. It sounds like he was hoping you’d end it so he wouldn’t be the bad guy but his actions over the last week really show how checked out he is. No matter how tempting please try to keep yourself together, don’t beg or plead, it won’t make a difference and ultimately you’ll feel worse afterwards,

Focus on the practicalities, living arrangements, child care, finances, get legal advice asap. Get support in real life, tell people. Be prepared for him to rewrite history and potentially have a new partner on the scene very quickly. Know that things might be hard now but ultimately they will get better, you will get through this and you will be happy again. You are stronger than you know.

His plan has failed, trying to get you to play the bad guy hasn't worked and now he's leaving anyway. I'm so sorry - I know you were hoping he'd at least talk and try to work things out but I fear that was never part of his plan. Get some real life support on side and give him no more of your time. He's completely checked out, made absolutely no effort yesterday and will only continue to keep hurting you if you let him.

I'm very sorry, I say this kindly.
Please please please speak to people in real life.

You have been through a lot, friends and family will rally around to build you up. Stop begging him... he's leaving, he's checked out. You also need time to be away from children to think and move forward.

He can't just leave.... and not support his children. He is NOT a babysitter. He is their father and should act like one.

It may help to rearrange the furniture and buy some fresh bed linen
I know it sounds nuts but altering your environment so it doesn't feel "his" too can help with the moving on process. Upwards and onwards, my lovely

It will be tempting but don’t waste your energy on raking over what you could have done differently; this man checked out of his responsibilities and then gaslighted and manipulated you in order to get this outcome. He isn’t fit to be a father or husband and your family unit will be calmer and safer without him in it.

Right now I’m sure you feel horrendous, furious, bewildered. But you’re in a much better place than you were earlier this week- you can more clearly see him for the man he really is (and last nights debacle followed by telling you this morning really must cement that) - hopefully that will help the healing process.

Allow yourself to grieve, pull in all of the support you can. Tell whoever you feel comfortable with so you can share this. But don’t wait too long to get practical; the sooner you can get to acceptance that this is really happening and you can do nothing about him going, the sooner you’ll be able to move on and find a better life without him.

You’ve got lots of practical advice about the financial and legal steps you need to take- you’re a smart woman and I’m sure you’ll take the bull by the horns, go into ‘work mode’ and get the best divorce you can.

A couple of other suggestions though if you’ve got the finances:

• think about counselling for yourself to help you process this; it’s a grief you’re experiencing - the loss of a long relationship, your imagined future and that of your children. Impartial support in a safe space could really help over the days and weeks to come.
• Buy in practical support; use that spare room for a nanny or hire a mother’s help. You need to get time for yourself to help you be strong for your kids, and you can’t do that if you’re 24/7 child focussed. I believe that if you have this in place already it sets you up in a stronger position to be able to keep this in a divorce settlement, particularly if it enables you to get back to work (although seek legal advice on this)
• Speak to your GP about possible postnatal depression, even if it’s just so they monitor it for now.
• When you feel like you can, say yes to every opportunity that comes your way; there are enormous possibilities out there and you’ll be ready to grab that with both hands. An old MN adage that holds a lot of truth; your best revenge is to thrive.

Take one minute at a time right now. While it won’t feel like it now this is the best thing that could happen to you - you’re only 40, you could only be halfway through your life. You have time to rebuild, and you’ll look back in 2 years time in awe at yourself for getting through this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but my God those kids are lucky to have such an amazing mum.

Aw lots of love to you, OP. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you’ve got this. It WILL be ok. Better, in fact.

Your update - I'm so sorry.

But let him.

His mother clearly made a last ditch attempt to push him back (probably thinking about the grandchildren).

Treating him like an adolescent - which is where he appears to have stuck.

It's time to look to the future without this dead weight round your neck.

To do:

A solicitors appointment on Monday.

Spend the rest of the weekend updating yourself about the finances.

I’m sorry to hear your update OP. He’s done you a favour in the long term although it doesn’t feel like that now. Stay strong while he gets his stuff together x

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Let him go. Ignore him and leave him to pack. If he says bye just ignore or say, oh yes, you're going. Bye then.

He’s saved you 20 years of doubting yourself, trying to make him into the man you thought he was by changing yourself, and ultimately failing. 20 years of not knowing what you’ve done wrong. 20 years of wishing things were different.

Right now is going to be hard. But you will come out the other side at some point and you will flourish. You will be absolutely amazing. A role model for your children. This is your chance to make a new better life. He’s done you a favour. Though it doesn’t feel like it now.

Get whatever support you can from friends. Could your mum come and stay to help out with the kids? Just get through a day at a time.

I promise you will be OK. 🫂

I honestly think this is the best thing. Let him go. Be cold. Don't beg him to stay. It definitely sounds like there is someone else. It will be hard but 6 months from now you will look back with nothing but relief.