Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

I want to scream on your behalf op, he sounds so bloody infuriating, incapable of taking accountability or having any empathy. Blaming you, his mum - anyone holding him to account.

It’s absolutely classic DARVO - his response to you catching him red handed in the kitchen is a clear example. He’s abusive op.

Incase you’re not familiar, DARVO is:
• Deny: The person denies that they did anything wrong
• Attack: The person attacks the credibility of their accusers
• Reverse Victim and Offender: The person tries to convince others that they are the victim and their accuser is the aggressor

When he says can’t live like ‘this’ - does he mean you ‘nagging’ him (translation- you trying to get your point of view across)? Or something else?

It does sound like communication between you is a real issue - because he's unwilling to hear what you're saying and in turn I’m sure you are getting frustrated. If, and it's a big if, he were really prepared to change and you wanted to try, this is something I’d push to explore through couples therapy.

I hope you're getting some rest tonight 💛

Well as OP's H seems to want to go off into the sunset having the kids 50% of the time is going to put the kibosh on that. Dunno why you seem to be sneering at SAHMs. You still haven't explained that, other than repeating what I said.

@Gnarly999 Your husband sounds like a nob. The bit about the preschool is just on another level. He's really done a number on you. 💐 The bit about him wanking in the kitchen is just vile. 🤢
You however, sound like you've got your shit together, and that you'd be able to cope just fine without him. RE PND, it might be PND, or it might be situational depression. I had that after DS was born because I was living in a bedsit and it was hell. Not because there was anything wrong with where I was living, it was a very nice bedsit and I'd enjoyed living there, but it felt so claustrophobic once DS had arrived, and I knew I was moving out soon! Also found out how useless his father is, but that's another story. We'd never lived together, at least that was something!

@SapphireSeptember I'm not sneering at SAHMs, I just think it's foolish to solely rely financially someone who can quite easily bugger off. Especially long-term.

Wow yes that exactly what he does! It’s such a relief to feel heard and validated here.
I don’t tell my friends everything but they get it. My mother on the other hand, she makes excuse after excuse for DH. If you met him you’d love him, so it’s been an eye opening week, looking back at all these examples and adding them up.

When he said “can’t live like this” I think it was in response to the arguments. We’ve been arguing a lot more lately, it’s essentially progressively got worse since DC3 was born (potentially since I told him I was pregnant). I think he checked out at that point and I’m only really realising it now. That’s when a few crazy nights out until 5am happened and what sort of set the ball rolling in this dynamic of him doing what he wants and then treating me like a nag if I dare have a feeling about anything.

I wholly agreed we can’t live like this anymore, it’s bad for us and the DCs, but my initial solution was to work on fixing it. Being open and trying to understand each other again. Reconnecting. Maybe try counselling. I’ll lose some weight and make more effort. But as I’m coming to realise this week, he’s gaslighting me and using the script because he wants out! We can’t fix anything if he doesn’t want to.

What was the agreement if any about contraception and abortion before the third child was conceived?

Was it an absolutely 100% mutual decision that you'd spend the last four years pregnant, postpartum, feeding and toddler managing while he was out doing the support bit? Were they all planned and wanted by both?

If he responded "oh fuck" to news of the third pregnancy, I think we have our answer.

If he wasn't wearing a condom then he has to accept his part in that though.

@Gnarly999 I just wanted to come back and say your newfound clarity of thought is a credit to how well you’re handling this. You’re right. He is gaslighting you, he has checked out and he is using the classic DARVO script. His treatment of you has been disgusting. He’s not fit to lick your boots. And you saying you’d try and lose some weight etc. It isn’t you that’s the problem. I’m glad you’re starting to see that.

Try not to think about what life will look like in future. It’s scary and overwhelming. When I left my husband I realised the thing that had held me back for years was me trying to imagine my life without him, as a single parent. How would I cope? We’d have to sell the house etc. It was terrifying and it kept me where I was for far longer than I should have stayed. In the end, the fact is, if you choose to leave him (and I know this started as him saying he wanted to leave you, but I honestly think you should take control away from him and say you’ve had enough of him!), everything will be fine. You will get through a week at a time. It isn’t as bad as you might imagine. The end gain (loss of awful manchild who makes you feel shit) is worth the process.

He has been emotionally abusing you. And with his Valentine’s Day wine etc, he continues to do so. Flip flopping his decision. Making you dangle like a puppet. Screwing with your mind. Probably following advice not to leave the family home and string you along whilst he gets his ducks in a row. Is probably hoping to get his leg over with colleague. He hasn’t a single thought that is for you or his children. His only thoughts seem to be entirely for himself. What an absolute prize of a man. I’m so pleased you’re starting to see this, though I know this must be a massive rollercoaster of emotion for you.

You are stronger than you think.

You have said in your last update what you can do to work on the relationship, but what is HE willing to do?
And you mention loosing weight. I've been there myself, also few months after birth of our child, saying I can fix this, I will loose weight, I will try more. The truth is, you loosing weight won't change his mind. Only saying this to manage your expectations. By all means, loose weight, be your best self, but ut may have no effect on him.

The arguing is just a symptom of the problem.

If it were me and I wanted to buy myself some time, I’d stop arguing with him. While he’s still flip flopping I’d avoid conflict at all cost, never criticise, question etc etc. never rise to the bait. Remove yourself from it. Play nice.

I think you’d soon find other behaviours will escalate, he’ll continue to push boundaries and draw away .

However it might buy you time to grieve, and to get your ducks in a row.

If you’ve had any unprotected sex with him in recent months I’d also get an STI test. Based on his behaviour I’d suspect using dating apps / hookups while he’s away are as likely as an affair. You can order them online if you're in the uk from sh.uk and the packaging is discreet. 💛

Oh I couldn’t read and run. You have some fantastic advise here. I am 1 year down in a divorce - STBXH walked moved away left me with 4. I am career to my youngest who has a medical disability so had to give up my career when youngest was born. No benefits due to STBXH being a very high earner so my advise;

1- ask for a stop on any joint account so he can’t take / move money
2- move any monies for bills/ council tax / goods etc if he says anything say you’re budgeting for expenses - be non challence oh- I need to pay for pre school / nursery topics / kit/ uniform what ever because he is not your friend.

copies of marriage certificate
house deeds etc-
make sure you have all statements saved somewhere of any joint accounts

and seek legal advise asap: fore warn us prepared for the crap he will throw at you.

if you previously worked seek out pension information/
isas / savings accounts
and all utilities etc and costings because unless he has an epiphany and you go to marriage counselling and therapy in 6 months time when the reality hits and you’re having to gather information you’ll already be shattered exhausted and drained.

The hurt and pain you feel now is blindsiding - if you don’t have any help get it now you’ll need it and then if divorce is looking like it will happen you’ll need all the extra help.

I am 45k down not that I had it that is me defending the rights to the marital home he wants me out of - his pension he doesn’t want me to have access to mine is a measly teachers pension.

everyone told me my STBXH was the nicest man and can’t believe what he did. I am only now 2 years later finding out the cheating and lies over a 17 year marriage that I can now sleep for longer than 5 hrs and have clarity.

make sure you keep a diary of all messages and all parenting he offers etc.

think about emergency contacts of the children and what happens if you’re ill.

and please please if there is excess income / money do not for one moment think he will see you right:

unless he says - I messed up/ I left this is what I propose to do let’s try and do this properly and he shows you - you still need to seek legal advise.

mine said we could do it without solicitors - and it was like watching a shark go in for the kill when I refused his offer of the house and 2k a month if I signed the paper work there and then. All I said was I needed to see a lawyer:
suddenly it became transactional

if he can have no hesitation at walking leaving you with 3 small children he is not your friend.
Sorry to be so blunt.

and I can’t stress the importance of you getting home help.

even if you don’t end up divorcing and it all works out right now if there is no indication of him pulling his finger out

you must protect yourself and the children’s future at all costs.

good luck

So, I spoke to him earlier today and said he should only come home if he’s willing to apologise, stay and make some big big changes. He comes home after his “business trip”. He didn’t make any effort for Valentine’s Day (said he bought the card but hadn’t written it yet), he didn’t say it, but acted as if I should be incredibly grateful he’s even there.

Once the kids went to sleep, we got a drink, and I said, come one, say something about it all then, something positive. I know I’m clutching at straws and being desperate… he said in a very unbothered and forced tone “erm you’re a great mum and it must have been very stressful for you this week”. Not very enthusiastic. So I said that maybe we can make this work if he really wants it. He said “well I’m here aren’t I”. Then a few other positive but not really bothered type things and then fell asleep on the sofa mid conversation. Arghhh!!

So I’ve basically not slept for a week and he can’t even manage to stay awake for one of the most important conversations we might ever have!

I know what I should do! I so want to tell him to do one, but I just can’t seem to do it! Frustrated with him and myself now.

Happy Valentine’s Day!! Urgh!

Only you can do it.

Don’t be frustrated with yourself. You’ve been to Hell and back this week. Initially you were defending him and saying he’s a good person. Now I think you’ve realised he’s a twat. You’re on a journey and it’s a fucking a lot to contend with! We’re all rooting for you. Whatever you decide. But please do it with the full knowledge that he isn’t going to work on the marriage. He’s going to act like he’s done you a favour by not leaving you (but still treating you like shit).

Wow, he sounds checked out. Sorry you are going through this.

He'll stay for financial reasons/due to pressure from his mum, but I fear he'll always begrudge it.

You deserve so much better than this OP.

You need to make the decision for him. Wake him up tell him to pack. I’m also fairly certain the abusive twat is likely messing around with his employee. Awful, awful man.

First thing tomorrow, take your baby and go and stay away somewhere for the weekend. Tell him you need space to think 💕

I'm so sorry he has let you down.

When time's are tough, weak men leave, they can't handle the stress on their precious shoulders.

You need a 5 year plan. You can be back to work in 5 year's.

It really isn't that long.

Realistically he may not agree to take the children more, he is saying anything for an easy exit.

He's already left in his mind. I definitely think he is having an affair.

OP am really sorry to say this as you sound like a lovely person but your DH is a complete and utter arsehole and I have no idea why your hanging about waiting on him to change. I get you have young children with him but it sounds as if you're begging him for literal crumbs. And to add I think something is going on with him and the work female

I say this as something for you to think about it and yes it is harsh and to the point but why are so desperate to be treated like this, is it any attention is better that none?

What would you say to a friend going through this or your child?

Please turn this around on him and gain back some control. What an absolute joke of a man! Probably fell asleep because he's been up all night while away wooing his work colleague. I suspect it's not panning out as he'd planned as he's home and made no definite decision.. wake up today with fire in your belly and tell this prick you're done.

What it's not my job said

Mind too went in for the kill when I declined going the 'no solicitor' route after he left us homeless with no belongings and a suitcase if clothes between us. The man systematically destroyed my life, I ended up having a nervous breakdown and then he swooped in and took my children

This many is playing The Script and there is a woman he's fucking - sorry to be so blunt but he is.