Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Thank you again for all the posts! Reading all these in the evening stops me despairing quite so much.

I’m not really close with her, but she gets it I think, and knows I’m a good mum to the kids. Sometimes I go to her, but my husband gets really angry when I do, and makes out I’m being controlling and crazy, when really all I want is for someone to try and get through to him. I haven’t reached out to her at all since he said he wants to leave, so she’s taken it on herself to send those messages. I don’t think he’s told her he wants to leave though, as she messaged me saying she’s told DH needs to take more time off work in the nursery holidays to have more time and fun together as a family. So I think she just think things are really bad between us and she wants us to fix it.

Here’s an example from last week, when I messaged her for help and DH was really cross… DH had been travelling for 3 days, in the UK. He travels with a female colleague (I often feel jealous about this, I’ll explain below..), anyway, he said he sent me his eta, it was about 7.30, so would have been nice for the older girls to see dad before bed, but instead of rushing home, he said he was taking his colleague home first. Fair enough, but this would add on approx 50 mins, meaning he wouldn’t see the kids before bed and he’d be off the next morning before the wake. So I was upset, it just felt really insensitive, and we’ve had this argument before. So I called MIL to vent a little, she agreed it makes no sense, and why can’t he just come home and she get a cab from there or take the company car herself onwards. She called him to say so, and that’s what happened, because he does listen to his mum. But I felt annoyed that he only came home first because she basically told him to, and then he was really cross with me that I’d called and “meddled” when it was “none of my business”. We’ve had this argument many times before..

I guess everyone is going to jump on the female colleague thing, so here’s come context if it’s helpful..

In my rational mind, I don’t think anything is going on, but even if nothing is going on, I still get really upset that they spend so much one on one time together, and are good friends, when he can’t even be bothered to text or call me while he’s away, even to check on the kids!! While they are away they obviously stay in the same hotel and eat together. Having traveled for work myself in the past (another reason that job felt incomparable with having 3 DCs) I know that’s normal, but I do get upset, I suppose because I miss him and wish we could spend time together like that too. When I try and say it upsets me, he just gets very defensive and refuses to even try and understand why I’d be annoyed about it, and that he’s working hard and why am I being so unsupportive.

So although I’m rational about this most of the time, on those lonely nights when he’s away with her, my mind does wonder if something could be going on… she’s quite a lot younger, no kids but has a boyfriend. One time he was travelling (just the two of them), I called to say night, he hadn’t heard from him all day, missed him and wanted to hear from him (I was also lonely and hardly spoken to an adult all day!), it was about 10.30pm and they were in a bar!! I was really upset, and he was cross I was upset, and said I’m crazy. My hormones were crazy at the time and I was crying down the phone, I was around 3 months postpartum, but there was no sympathy. He told me after they “only had one shot” and a few drinks and they’d been talking about travel and travel plans, a lovely conversation, one that he doesn’t have with me! So so frustrating why he doesn’t get this is annoying - what do you think?

Also, I do accept their travel in general. She’s his employee at the end of the day, and that’s her job, so there’s nothing I can do about it.

I mean, with that update I think you can stop looking for the OW. She’s been hiding in plain sight!

Sadly I agree @Madamecholetsbonnet

Also, just to respond to the thing about “he’s checked out for family life”. Yes it does feel like that, but confusingly and very hurtful the said the other day “I’m not leaving them, I’m leaving you”, but that’s makes no sense!! Arghhh!!!

I'm sorry OP, but in all likelihood you have found La Femme

I’m really sorry but my gut feeling - as an outsider - is that they are having an affair. He’s being so defensive. It seems obvious to me but I’m on the outside. I’m so sorry 😔

Sounds like The Script

So, has MIL confirmed that your twit husband is staying there? If I was MIL I would tell him to flipping man up get back to his responsibilities, she sounds like she would rattle his cage more if she knew what he had said. Invite her round next time he is away.

and in my experience they are desperate to prove what good mothers they are to his existing kids, in the hope that he puts a baby in her. Sadly, he often does and then fucks off when that gets to be too much like hard work too.

I seem to remember on MN there was an OW (aint their always?) and she had fallen for all the lies. Acted like Maria Von Trapp to the OP's kids in the hope of being the next baby momma. Turned out that while she was unpaid nanny and housekeeper, he was still shagging the other OW the whole time and left OW1 when OW2 announced her pregnancy and ended up alone with no kids of her own. The OP ended up feeling sorry for her as she realised OW1 had been naive and lonely and was just as used as the OP was.

It was a few years back now, way before Covid, dont know if anyone else remembers it.

I think the issue is the lack of communication and lack of willingness to understand you and your situation and that is fundamental in relationship. He does not try to understand how you feel. If the boot was on the other foot I bet you would listen. Those things add up, layer after layer, drop after drop which resulted in lack of common ground, respect and partnership.

I think some posters were harsh about being SAHM etc. I do get it, we do make decisions based on current situations, try to assess best to our abilities. Inevitably some.of our choices are not the best but again hindsight is wonderful thing.

Try to focus on what you feel and how you feel. You make your mind up what you want. Don't give him full control. I am not advocating you not being open to communication but just give yourself space and stop thinking whether there is OW or not. It won't change anything.

Yes I’ve often wondered. But then again, I used to travel with male colleagues and there was nothing going on, they had wives at home, and it wouldn’t have occurred to me at the time (pre kids) that their wives might have been jealous of me. I suppose I was successful and quite hot then, so I guess they could have been thinking it too.

I guess what I mean is, I do feel like a feminist, so giving her the benefit of the doubt, she’s only doing her job? This is my logical brain, but like I said, late at night and lonely, I become less logical and torture myself about what they could be doing.

Mine did this whilst travelling with his married colleague. I tried not to feel jealous and irrational but one night I wanted to talk to him whilst pregnant and dealing with my eldest the response I got was 'I can't talk to you right now, can't leave X colleague on her own in the bar' sorry OP I know you want to think the best in him but all I see are that he doesn't seem to put you or your family first just like mine did. I couldn't see the wood from the trees and foolishly played the pick me dance.

Yes I’ve had that line too! He can never talk! He’s been with clients all day. Really?!?! Then cross when I call and he’s actually with a client. Well call me when you wake up then or go to sleep? There’s always 2 minutes to check in at home. He tells me I don’t get it. Frustrating, before kids I used to travel for work more than him!! Of course you can find 2 minutes, he just doesn’t want to!

Or the man rarely sees his existing kids and the new woman is shocked when he isn't bothered about the baby he has with her.

Always seems to go one way or the other on mumsnet.

OMG. Please realise now what a complete knob he is, If your best friend was telling you this would you not say what a piece of work he is and ditch him. I know it will be hard but tell him where to go and don't back down. I would not let someone on the street treat me like this he is awful.

I waited months for him to decide if he was in the marriage or not (feel like such a fool) as all the while he was living the high life with her.

MIL and FIl assured me he was having a mental health crisis and nothing could possibly be going on as he was living with them while he worked out his head. Didn't stop him getting the OW pregnant whilst forgetting he had children at home!

Worst of all I enabled him to do that by keeping everything going alone at home. I know you can't force him to parent - he damn well should be!!

You’re right, he really is an ar**hole these days. To me and the kids. I think it’s the stress of the job and life that turns I’m into this, he’s just not coping well at all. Honestly if it wasn’t for the kids or being married I’d leave him, but I really don’t want to break our family up.

We’ve been together since our mid twenties and we’re 40 now, so there’s many many years when he was a great guy, genuinely one of the best people I’ve met. I just don’t know what’s happened to him. Surely he’s still in there somewhere. I think I have too much empathy, but I think he’s a bit depressed with life, so could hopefully forgive this horrible treatment in years to come.

Ultimately I really do believe in my marriage vows, if he’d stay, I’d work through it all with him. I think these are just our darkest days that we can get though. I really hope so.

Although it is inspiring to hear how many people have split and are thriving because of it! You’re giving me hope either way! Thank you! And well done you guys for being so strong and for dealing with so much! It’s impressive! At the same time it’s awful to think of how many woman all over the world have been treated like this and felt like I feel now, it’s just not fair is it!

He’s now saying he wants space this week and will stay at his mum and dads one or two nights and he’s already travelling for work one night too, and that he’d think about what he’s going to do, and then tell me his decision on Friday. Valentine’s Day!! It’s going to be an agonising week!

What an arrogant bastard. Please please please OP text him and say you will also be making a decision this week about your marriage and your life moving forward as the past few days have really opened your eyes.

He does not sound like a good guy. at all.

OP you sound like I was when my ex left me, I would say if you met him you would like him. Once the initial hurt had gone and I could acknowledge he was a rat, I look back and see what a selfish basket he was, I will never forgive him for treating me or kids the way he did, and we are 30 years down the line.

I admire your commitment in the face of someone who - generously - has lost his way. Could you pull some of these points together and write to him - leave any blame or recriminations out, but spell out how lonely you've been, how much you think he's struggling and how much you want to support him, how you feel you've lost connection together, remind him of how good it used to be and how much you'd like that version of you both back? That marriage and family take work and this moment in time is the hardest it will ever be.

The more you post op though, the more it does sound like if he's got to the point of asking for a separation that the marriage really is done. He's out. You've grown apart - you've grown up, he has become more selfish. He's been unable to communicate with you and layer upon layer of conflict and disconnect has driven you apart. I really really feel for you.

I don't think he's the man to build a family unit with - I think you're in love with an old version of him that doesn't exist anymore. I'm so sorry.

Op
Im sorry for you having such a T.. for a husband
and I know your probably saying to yourself he’s not that bad sometimes with the kids. But nothing about YOU

I have been where you are, but only 1 child
I honestly did not have a clue he had another woman
He was a bus driver so his shifts were always different each day and his only night out was a snooker team
We’d had an argument one night and I wasn’t talking to him. On the Saturday I felt bad about it and thought enough was enough (no mobile phones then 1993) so I got us a special meal to cook for when he came home
He never came home from work I thought he’d gone to the pub . It got to 12am and I’m thinking
where is he, never slept all night
The door opened at 7am the night morning
I said “ where have you been”
him - “ with another woman”
I was in disbelief, shaking , crying
he just said come back to bed , by this time son had woke up(4yrs old) wanting to go down

He went and lay in bed , I was shaking like a leaf in shock downstairs
I literally didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want all this. I blamed myself for causing the argument and not speaking .
He never came down and my head all over the place , I rang his mum
She said “ don’t be stupid “ until I convinced her
She came round, went upstairs to talk to him
the next thing he had his small bag packed and she said “ he’s coming to stay at ours”
wether that was so he didn’t go to OW who knows
story short
within weeks , she’d aloud this woman round to her house (when he was ill) I found out

So don’t think dh mum will stand by you
be very careful do not tell her any of your plans please. Blood is thicker than water, as I learnt

If you can financially cope f… him off take it from me they only care about themselves
I got “ can’t see him next week I’m working “
told me a bare faced lie when son was in hospital
saying he was at work, I’d rang and he wasn’t in work. He couldn’t be arsed getting there early before son’s operation and I took him down to theatre on my own

we got divorced, but I made him wait til I was ready. Got the house signed over to me
4 yrs down the line, she’d left him 🤣

I told mine the same, it was never about leaving me - everyone is entitled to make their own decisions but it was the way he did it that I will never forgive.

Anyone who says that they need to leave their 3 young children and wife to 'focus on work' is a complete knob head. Tell him that as he's leaving, you will now need to also focus on work and get a job and therefore which days would he like to have the kids? Because he won't have thought of that will he! Oh No. He will expect you to focus on the children and work whilst he enjoys working away, nights in hotels and probably getting his end away. He is walking away from any sense of responsibility towards his children. What a cock!

So don’t think dh mum will stand by you. be very careful do not tell her any of your plans please. Blood is thicker than water, as I learnt

This is so true OP. I'm sorry but you need to understand right now that despite all the years together this man is NOT your friend anymore. He does NOT have your best interests at heart. He will probably have spun a narrative to himself where he is a good guy still but he is not a good guy for you. His interests and yours have now dramatically diverged. His mum is probably nice but in the end of the day she will be on his side.

The day dh told me he'd inform me of HIS decision about our marriage after a few days is the day I'd realise I was married to a selfish arrogant man who thinks he rules the world. He doesn't. Harness your anger. Because even if you do stay together it will not work if he is doing it as a favour to you and you are bending over backwards to make him feel happier/better/whatever the fuck he seems to need. Your marriage may work if you both take a serious look at where you ended up and why. But not you saying "oh thanks so much dear one for deigning to stay with me and the three children we decided to have together. What can I do for you now?"

Also - to be honest - I think he is having an affair. sorry OP. really sorry.