Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

It doesn't feel rare on Mumsnet at least.

I wasn't the only one that mentioned going back to work so clearly, I'm not alone in my opinion.Like I said, this was also before OP mentioned her rental property.

I was responding to one of your comments suggesting that I had changed everything at work due to my children which was incorrect as it's just what happens when you become more senior.

In my workplace, you can't be flexible at all levels, especially if you want to continue to progress.

So in the context of my workplace which is what I was talking about, I'm not talking bollocks at all.

Get a solicitor.

Find out your legal and financial rights from them, do not listen to anything he may try to make you believe about they may or may not be.

Do not let him tell you 'we don't need a solicitor, we can sort this out ourselves.'

He is not your friend.

You are married - you are joint owners of ALL the assets including the house. Start from that premise.

Get the finances familiar and under control.

Assume there is probably an OW. One who is not preoccupied with the needs of three children under 4. One who puts him at the centre of the universe - which in his mind is the correct arrangement. One who reminds him of how things used to be pre responsibilities. They don't jump out of the family without a parachute.

As for the arguments etc, they do this too; rewriting history to make themselves feel in the right. The alibi, the justification.

The law will not care, though. Only about property, money and children.

He has responsibilities, 50/50. I doubt he will want that cramping his style, or alternatively he may threaten to go for that, if you get awkward.

This is a) to avoid paying maintenance and b) to control and intimidate you into compliance.

You need solid advice asap.

You are contradicting yourself now.

i didn’t suggest you changed anything at work at all- haven’t a clue what you did before or now- it’s not the point of the thread.

and it may be ‘just what happens’ at your work, but I can guarantee it doesn’t happen in many industries where visibility at a senior level is expected and necessary

@SapphireSeptember I would hope both OP and her husband discussed and agreed the plan before they both decided on three children under 4; and it would appear they made the decision for husband to go out and solely provide for the (large) family whilst wife remained a SAHM - ?indefinitely - not sure? A mutual decision so fair enough if both parties happy.
But...
Upon separation things may well have to change.
Certainly if father applies for 50/50 as the default position of the family courts is this is reasonable. Irrelevant if ex-husband is a bit of an idiot or not. In this scenario no maintenance due and OP will have to support the three kids exactly half of the time.

The problem is, money aside, I can’t get over my family being ripped apart and my children having to go through all this!! It seems so unnecessary!!!

Just to put your mind at rest, your children are so young they won't feel like they are 'having to go through all this'. Even the oldest will barely register dad's absence if he travels a lot. They won't even remember this in a few years.

Children adapt, so whatever the child-sharing arrangement turns out to be, it will just be normal for them and they won't know any different.

You, on the other hand, are most definitely feeling ripped apart and having to go through hell.
Focus on yourself, look after yourself, but don't fret unnecessarily about the children.

@Gnarly999 protect your and kids interests the best you can, and prepare foe a divorce. I wouldn't want him to have kids 50% of time, and I would fight it best I can. If he's going to leave kids with help, they might well stay with you. Especially if he has temper issues.
By nanny he might well mean his mistress.
It's good that his mum is supportive of you, but don't get your hopes up. It's very likely he has someone else.

@EuclidianGeometryFan They will sadly feel the impact for life if father requests 50/50. Happened to me when my sons were 3 and 6. They're 15 and 17 now and it was absolutely shite for them.

Your MIL is not your friend in these situations, do not let her know any of your plans. Ultimately she will always side with her son…..

@Gnarly999

I agree with @Optimist2020 . Tell your MiL your side of the story and your devastation, but FGS don't tell her anything you plan to do or what others are telling you to do. Do NOT say anything about seeing a solicitor or what that solicitor may tell you.

And realize that whatever you say to her will go straight to your H, no matter what she says. And although she may want to support both of you and 'save the marriage' now, when your H tells her that he's made his final decision and is done, she will 'side' with him. Or if she can't actively side with him she will no longer criticize him nor will she take up your side to help you. She will be silent under the guise of being 'neutral'. He is her son and her most direct 'link' to seeing her grandchildren with any regularity. She may feel that you will 'pull away' as you form your new life and that she will not be included in it to the extent that she is now. And she is right. You may not think so now, but she is right.

Get therapy for yourself. The cold treatment he has gjven you is guaranteed to have done a number on your self esteem.
Find someone to babysit - are the DCs all in nursery? Make this a priority. You need to have your feelings validated and your confidence boosted.

Your husband probably has had his head turned, hence bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and never being home, plus the lack of basic affection.

Whatever the reason, he has checked out of family life and out of your relationship. Don't beg him to stay. He is not worth demeaning yourself like that.

Go to a solicitor.
Understand your rights - to the family home, to child support, to move close to your parents or siblings if you're away from them now. Bring with you almost the details you can gather about income, assets, etc, and debts (mortgage, etc).

It is reasonable when you have a supportive partner. It's incredibly difficult when you've had your confidence dented and you're emotionally exhausted from being stuck in a loveless relationship, and physically exhausted from being effectively a single mother.

She needs to divorce and move closer to her natural support system, and see where she can go from there, job wise.

LOUDER for the people at the back!

Excellent post.

Do not let him rob you further.

@mathanxiety Tbf I managed it as a single mum. It was hard but I'm proud I did it. A big "up yours" to the misogynistic ex who was sure I would fall apart without his wealth.
So empowering!

Op, for there to be any chance of this marriage surviving your H will need to come to terms with being a Dad, which means putting the needs of his family and kids before himself. This is what I would use your MIL to try and influence (shame / embarrassment) him into seeing. He needs to grow up, stop being so selfish and start taking accountability for his responsibilities. But he’s unlikely to hear that from his wife as he’s busy blaming you for everything. It may be too late, but that’s what I’d be working on getting my MIL to do on your behalf (but obvs, making it seem like it’s her idea!). Do you have a good enough relationship to be able to talk to her about this? Bearing in mind whatever you say will get back to him - so use that to your advantage.
Then you can look at what support you need to put in place for both of you individually and as a couple.

For those saying there's another woman. Who would want a man with three tiny children. A man who abandons so easily?

@justasking111 my exH's OW took him on knowing he was leaving 2 young children then had 2 herself. No surprise he left her too.

Pretty for easy for him to just not mention the kids, or indeed the wife.

Tbh I know quite a few terrible men who behave similarly and they're the types who hunt out quick random hook ups instead. The realisation of the married life with kids they thought they wanted but actually didn't in reality hits them like a brick, and they can't think about anything else other than attention whoring, shagging about and getting their ego massaged. This guy is almost certainly jumping on whatever apps are used for this stuff nowadays while he's away and seeking out local quickies. Or paying for it. He sounds disgustingly immature, vain, needy and selfish. You'll be 100% better off without him and so will your kids.

This x100! Good luck Op!

my ex's OW encouraged him to not see our DC and not pay child support. By my reckoning alot of OW are vulnerable targets, and believe the PR charm offensive thrown at them. They soon find out that their prize is indeed a white elephant.

Sorry doesn’t sound like a good guy to me either.

It must have been a huge shock. I’m near to tell you, you have this and you will
be ok. I’d take back control. Tell him I need a bit of space so when he comes back Friday I’m off to my mums for two nights. We can talk Sunday. See how much he likes the reality of doing it all

My ExH's OW was well aware that he had three children - she even signed the office 'congratulations on your new child' card while sleeping with my husband.

When I met my now (amazing) DP nearly 12 years ago, my ExH commented "who'd want her, she has three children" (completely missing the point that he did too and he was in a relationship with someone else while still at home with a wife and those three children).

I think the OW believed him when he said that he wanted a child with her (she told me their plans), but now, 13 years later for her, there's been no baby for her and she's now too old.

I disagree @EuclidianGeometryFan - the only one not to register their father's absence was the 4mth old.

The 2yo used to look in cupboards for her dad on a daily basis and became obsessed with the Stickman book (I guess because Stickman returns to his family at Christmas).

The 6yo would break down at school every day and became very withdrawn. A fact my ExH would not believe until the teacher told him to his face at a parents' evening.

They used to do EOW with him (as he moved away with his job) and they hated the 4-hour round trip in the car every time. Sometimes the eldest would refuse to go and be crying at the bottom of the stairs.

You should be proud. It can be hard enough when you aren't single, definitely a big ''up yours''!

I've seen multiple mumsnet threads to know that for some reason, far too many women are keen to jump into the role of doing everything for a man with children.