Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

And accept him doing the 5 knuckle shuffle on the daily to a paid for stranger when she just wants to get the kids tea on?

Keep his mum close. Stay friends with her no matter what.

but don’t bank on this changing anything.

I'm sorry, OP. You sound lovely and your DH is an idiot, but she won’t be getting the full story either.

like many other posters, I thought he has met someone else. He won’t tell his mum this. Give it 6 months and he’ll be introducing the ‘new’ girlfriend to her.

i know how tough this is to hear. I also begged my ex to try again. In hindsight, it would’ve been better if we’d broken up then and not gone through the hell of ‘trying’ with someone who has checked out. He will only break your heart again.

think about why he would’ve got to this point? He has never mentioned feeling dissatisfaction before?

If he genuinely had wanted things to change, he would’ve spoken to you- not just announced he’s leaving the marriage the first time he lets you know he is unhappy.

you are prolonging the agony by not letting him go now.

men don’t leap unless they’ve got somewhere to land.

The bit where she said "We're not loaded but I wouldn't need to work for money @JimHalpertsWife?

NO NO NO! You are not the selfish one - he is.

My ExH was also away with work a lot (up to 8 days a month) in a industry perceived as 'fun' and also stayed in nice hotels with parties and networking opportunities. While he was away I was the one doing everything with and for the children, and when he wasn't away he was often out getting drunk with work colleagues until the wee hours. I thought that by letting him have more freedom to do his own thing, that he would appreciate family time more. He didn't. He was is a selfish, immature prick.

Please don't let him make you play the pick me dance, it destroys your self worth and if he's treating you with such indifference now imagine how he'll perceive you if you start begging (probably with utter contempt - my ex did).

Please take back control. Be the strong woman you are and book an appointment with the solicitor and start looking as though you're planning for a future without him.

At the risk of appearing negative, I'm not sure the MIL's involvement will change his mind. But I really don't think he deserves you.

Twelve years on I want to thank the OW for taking my ExH off my hands.

@JimHalpertsWife Depends on her priorities I guess. Not saying it's OK for.one second, but financially I think she's potentially in for a rude awakening down the line if they split.

It’s not that I’m unwilling to work one day. The rental income I get (along with a few other investments) already puts me in the top tax bracket, so any job I get i’d be paying half in tax anyway. We also don’t need the money so it would more be doing it to feel fulfilled and like I could give back.

I worked through all my twenties and thirties in finance, in the pursuit of money and I find it deeply unrewarding, although I was good at it. I think there’s more to life, and as I don’t need the money in some random job in this town we’re in, I really felt I could help mentor some underprivileged children, and than would be a better use of my time, to actually give back.

If we do divorce, financially I’ll be worse off but I think I’ll be okay, I kind of set it up like this to ensure there would always be a fallback, although never wanting it.

The problem is, money aside, I can’t get over my family being ripped apart and my children having to go through all this!! It seems so unnecessary!!!

So what do you call looking after 3 children under 6 a picnic? She might aswell get paid for it as husband not doing his share.

as she said already has an income coming in from rental property or did you miss that? Knob.

So? That doesn't mean she won't return to work. Just that it's not essential for her to work right now.

@Gnarly999 just read your update. This is a lot to take in. And it’s bloody shocking that he’d blow up a stable happy family for this. Please go easy on yourself.

He has done this - not you. Whatever you decide to do, don’t blame yourself.

i think you need to confide in a close friend you trust and have a good cry.

And if you do decide to split, don’t for a second think you’ve broken up your family. He has done that.

The problem is, money aside, I can’t get over my family being ripped apart and my children having to go through all this!! It seems so unnecessary!!!

Many families operate with a core central unit of mother and children, and the father orbiting loosely around the periphery. It's possible that, once the disruption is over, you won't notice it as much as you think and will be relieved not to be living with a negative, immature adult who you can't really trust.

Good on your MIL. Strike while the iron is hot and reply to her using the opportunity so your MIL can see you're not the problem here and get a bit of your side of the story across. I'd be really open and honest and say something like, you're really struggling with three under four, you're terrified he's going to walk away and leave. You really want to make it work, are willing to do what it takes etc etc. maybe make some of the suggestions to make it easier (he work away less? Support with childcare etc) whatever ideas you've had etc. I'd also perhaps say you feel like he's given up. Maybe don't mention the porn unless you want to go nuclear.

It might not work, but at least you can hold your head up that you've tried and she might support your cause. It may only delay the inevitable though?

BTW - you're not at self indulgent, use this forum as much as you need, we want to help!

And the more you post the more obvious you are clearly a right catch and I wouldn't be surprised if you soon come to realise it's the family unit you're mourning and not really him.

@Catpuss66 With respect, you're the knob if you can't understand the words "in the future." And getting paid for looking after your own kids?!! Really?!!

Good to read your MIL is aware of the situation. She won't want him and his washing back.
Now to get totally disinterested in him.
Remember being a teenager? The boys you didn't want chased you.

You have the upper hand here. You're not breaking up the family he is. He's causing the pain and heartache.
You mentioned you are still feeding your new baby and it makes you vulnerable. And hormonal!

I would want someone who loves me no matter. I have been a big earner, much more than my DH. We have two grown up children.
I'm now seriously ill and I will not work again. Has my husband left me, no he has not because he is a decent human being. In sickness and in health applies to us.
How does your husband want to honour his marriage vows? It doesn't seem he does.
You are obviously a clever lady, please get legal advice.
Fwiw my siblings all divorced with children. Those that did when their children were tots have faired better. They accepted co parenting. The teenagers not so accepting.

Why the fuck are you fixating on her "not working" - they have 3 young kids, one is a 4 month old baby.

If she took on paid work anytime soon to appease him, who do you think will be taking time off when they're ill or when nursery is closed or working around drop offs. Him?? Bollocks will he. It would just make make everything more fraught and he'd probably start pulling her over the house not being clean or his laundry not being done.

So either think of something useful to post or take your sahp bashing somewhere else.

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat Let's just hope and pray he doesn't ask the family courts for 50/50 then.
And.yet again, another poster who fails to understand the words "in the future." SAHP wonderful; a permanent SAH person less so.

Good for MIL I'd have done similar not attaching blame but laying things out.

Private she's probably in pieces. I'm sure she remembers being a young stressed parent and knows that these things pass as children grow.

@justasking111 Does MIL know about his kitchen antics I wonder?

But op clearly gave us the timeline - her youngest is only 4 months so even she was working, she'd be on maternity for potentially months longer before being expected to return.

And I say again - 2 working parents is great if you're a team and know it's a phase where things will be hectic and you have an agreement regarding flexibility, taking time off to cover childcare cracks... but if he's "stressed" about life whilst not having to think of any of that, it's doubtful he'd be agreeable to changing his routine to accommodate this.

Euw no that's private.

@justasking111 What I'm saying is MIL may well be encouraging them to work it out if she doesn't actually know how grim her son is.

Then he needs to stop doing it in the public rooms of the house.

It's still private. Would have been better in the shower, but then his phone would get wet. In the scheme of things it's minor.

There would be few solicitors or barristers fighting for op where 50/50 would be suggested. It’s simply not good enough for the dc. The courts don’t bow to poor fathers and there’s a baby here. He’s not going to look after these dc!

It is good mil has contacted op.

As for money - all assets are taken into account. The key will be what op can keep for herself. However rental properties, pensions, investments and the family home are all in the mix. It’s clear the op will have greater needs in terms of being resident parent and a decent solicitor will try and get her as much as possible.

@everychildmatters She's got a six month old, I'm still on maternity leave from my retail job, and DS is the same age. They moved away from London (and her career) and I assume agreed together that OP would give up work to raise their kids. And she has her own income from a rental property.

Yet again the work that SAHMs do is counted as naught. Is that peak capitalism or just plain old misogyny? Just pop out a baby and get back to work, like in the USA.

I'd be seeing a lawyer for advice on what assets are likely to be split on divorce, and investigating precise details of his salary & likely pension