Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Mine too, although it was discussed that we'd like to, we even moved to a bigger house for it but not planned as such but no precautions taken if you see what I mean. His reaction when I told him a cold sounding 'congratulations' and the kind of hug a friend would give to you. I know now that the other woman was already on the scene.

Please see a solicitor with all the papers, I mentioned previously, before Friday so you know where you stand. Be prepared so that he can’t walk over you and the DC.

That’s going to be very expensive for OP to pay for, because to be clear- she will be the one who would have to pay because it would be HER time. All OP can count on is child maintenance, not 50/50, not a part time nanny etc

Since you guys have Money, why don't you hire a part time nanny now, get more help so that you can work on your relationship. 3 kids is a lot. I know it's really hurtful.

Ditto but go back to work p/t.

Then you'll have some money of your own to pay for your divorce.🙂

No they don’t happen overnight. But people running off with all the money to the point where the other party is in a food bank are rare. It’s financial abuse and no solicitor would recommend their client does this.

people who say their ex did this probably didn’t have a lot of cash to start with. Simply because it would be insanely stupid. I know lots of divorced people and this is not a thing. Even with complete c**ts.

divorce takes a while but financial orders can be done relatively quickly and need to be done before a divorce is finalised.

you are very lucky to have a career that lets senior people be flexible. It happens, but it depends on your aspirations and not all jobs allow this. There’s a reason why magic circle law firms have hardly any women with young kids in senior roles. A friend of mine returned to her large law firm and tried to set up a working mum’s group- there were 3 of them!

Lots of people ( I know men who’ve done this too) have purposely chosen a less demanding role so they have time to spend with their kids. It limits your career options. we have no idea what industry OP worked in.

so you say other childcare exists? Childminders don’t work out that much cheaper. And young babies need max 1-2 care.

and part time childcare, but full time work? Hmm makes for a very productive wfh arrangement.

Your original comment about ‘why doesn’t she work with three kids?’ Was tone deaf and ignorant.

remember - in your potential scenario, this partner isn’t paying for childcare or taking kids half the time. ( because that’s the level he’d have to be at to be the type to empty the bank accounts)

@SouthLondonMum22 and once again, a smug and sanctimonious ‘that’s why I waited to be senior before having my children’

the reality is lots of factors affect people’s ability to have children at a certain time.

and I’d say many workplaces let people
be flexible at all levels- lots of more junior roles offer flexibility.

stop talking bollocks

Sorry, but from your updates it does very much sound like another woman is involved. Him not wanting sex but still masturbating doesn't mean he isn't getting it elsewhere. And the coldness in his responses to you are also another sign. My EXH was the same. He became very cold and also bringing up past issues. He is rewriting history there.

Regarding the work situation..
I was always the smarter one between DH and I. I became quite successful working in finance in the city. I fully planned on going back to work, but when DC1 arrived it was covid, so it would have been difficult and I really enjoyed motherhood so decided I’d take some time to focus on our family.
Since then DH wanted to move to a different city about 5 hours from London for his work, stupidly I went along with it.
Since then I’ve basically been either pregnant or with a baby, and going back into my old role seemed impossible as DH away so much for his work.
Once youngest was a little older, maybe 2 I had planned to do some charity work, something where I could have an impact and help people. We’re not loaded but I wouldn’t need to work for money, so this seemed like a good option.

I guess the problem is that we started off as equals but now he’s becoming more and more misogynistic.

OP you deserve better than him. Is he going through a mid life crisis?!

I may have missed this, but have you ever had marriage counselling? If he refuses to do so may suggest there is someone else.

He never is at home so when he says he will get a full time nanny suggests he sees YOU as unpaid carer for the children... there seems to be a lack of respect for you even though you've changed your life to accommodate his!

@Gnarly999 You need to see a solicitor and start looking at what you can get, financially, out of the marriage. Take advice on what is a fair share of the property. Then plan where you can live. Can you get to a great location for your skills in the workplace?

Yes, London work looks impossible, but you have skills. I really would not look at a charity! I’d look at financial work in a school. Far better pay and term time only. Better promotion prospects and child friendly.

My ex worked a lot away from home, although your husband may deny there is no one else, I am sorry to say I wouldn’t believe him.
Maybe you could make an appointment with your doctor for extra vitamins and mental support.
Emplo a coach to put you on track for the job market.

Ugh! Please don't. He's a dickhead.

Going to dump you on Valentines? Oofe, what a prince.

He’s now saying he wants space this week and will stay at his mum and dads one or two nights and he’s already travelling for work one night too, and that he’d think about what he’s going to do, and then tell me his decision on Friday. Valentine’s Day!! It’s going to be an agonising week!

Insist he takes the kids with him so he can 'practice' having them half the week by himself.

Personally, I'd take the bull by the horns on this one. Rather than letting him deign to tell you his decision and playing the 'pick me' game, I'd tell him that you've made a decision, it's over, and he needs to make himself available to care for or organise childcare for the kids for half the week so you can get your ducks in a row to go back to work.

This all puts you in a very strong position.

Speak to a solicitor. Don’t get a job immediately. Wait until the financial order is agreed based on your current position.

You’ll have to go back to work eventually, but you’re experienced in a high paying sector. This divorce might actually be the best thing that happened to you in the long term. ( I know that’s hard to see now)

Good luck OP! I’m divorced. At the time I was heartbroken, but I’m happier now than I was with a partner who had checked out.

Yes I think you’re right, I do think it’s a sort of midlife crisis. Freaking out about what his life is, and how stressful it all is. At the same time, he’s never really accepted he’s a father and life has changed. He is a hands on dad and does a lot with the older two, but he has always resented not being about to go out nights out that often, so all his hobbies (there are many). My view was that it’s a moment in time where it’s all hands to the deck, but soon enough there will be time for all that again. Maybe I was selfish? Maybe I should have made sure he had more time for himself too. I guess because he’s away a lot, with nice hotels and dinners etc, I always felt like that was his child free time, and when he returned, expected him to help me. I guess he resented that and has never really accepted it.

He is not being kind or a good person OP.

you need to protect yourself get your arse to a solicitor get some money in separate account.

tell people, wonder what his parents will think of him.

stop being a doormat.

he is doing what Ioan Gruffudd did to his wife then she loses it big time & he says see what I have to put up with. Take control.

just because he is masturbating does not mean he is being faithful, some men (i promise you) can only come with porn usually because they have been looking at porn for a long time. It has become ingrained into his sexuality.

Sorry this is all quite self indulgent, expecting everyone to read my ramblings, but it’s beyond helpful getting it out!! I actually feel so much calmer, thank you!

Update..
He’s obviously been speaking to his mum, I imagine giving a very one sided view, but she’s a smart woman, I think she knows the deal I imagine, and knows what I’m really like. So she (very out of character) sent us both (in a watsapp group) a really long message. Essentially begging us to sort this out, and saying it’s breaking her heart too. Giving us both a good talking to, and to shake us to step up and figure it out. I’m guessing, she’s actually talking to him, but addressing us both so my husband doesn’t get all defensive.

I’m so pleased she’s done this. Do you think this could get him to wake up? To look at what he’s about to throw away? For all involved! I’m hoping this will give him the good shake he needs!! Feeling hopeful again..

@Gnarly999 Perhaps the fact that you seem unwilling to work to earn a wage, even in the future, strengthens his misogynistic position?
How will you support your family in the long-term?

Hopeful that a man who pays other women to strip for him might stay? I'd probably take some time to consider whether he is worth staying with.

What assets do you both have in terms of equity/savings/pension?

@JimHalpertsWife He's pretty wealthy tbf. OP doesn't have to work if she stays.

Not sure where you've got this from. The OP says;

At some point I’d probably want to go back to work, but would probably prioritise supporting the kids and trying to create stability for them

So she knows work is in her future but she has 3 v small dc who are likely about to go through some major upheaval

@Gnarly999 no, I don't. I had this with my exH's family at the start then they soon started fawning over his new girlfriend (OW) welcoming her to the family on Facebook in public posts and saying how good she was for the abusive bastard him and how I was indeed the crazy ex. Sadly I don't think you can expect much of her long term. Even short term. Some parents are funny about their children having "failed marriages" and see it as failure on their part so that might be a factor. My mum is very unhappy that none of her children stayed with their first spouse. My brother's died though as I had to remind her My sister and I were married to abusive men but keeping up appearances is important

She has a 6 month old baby and it sounds like they're not short of cash/assets. That doesn't sound like something the OP needs to focus on right at this moment.