He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

I’m guessing you were encouraging him to look for a diagnosis so you had an explanation for his behaviour and perhaps a glimmer of hope that he could change.

My guess is that he has some sort of attachment disorder or a personality disorder ( I’m not a psychologist or anything like that ). But whatever he is or is not, you can’t change him. And he doesn’t want to change himself.

Im Sorry, what you are going through is just devastating . You are grieving for everything you have lost and yet having to be strong to deal with the legal process and for you kids.

It’s very tough .

This doesn’t have to define your life, even if it is just at this moment. You will recover, and you will find a stable pathway for the DC.

They are reeling from the change, but you know he left you no choice but this. They will too, one day.

My eldest was climbing the walls through hyperactivity (panic? Anxiety?) when it came to their dad leaving and the youngest (usually can't see past anyone but me- the older one makes no secret of loving dad more!) cried and cried and begged daddy to stay. It broke my heart. Will they feel better in time?

Your kids are on a roller coaster of emotions , just as you are. One minute you are feeling sorry for him, next minute he's beating you up.

Your kids are scared and anxious, they don’t now if they will get violent daddy or fun daddy or one who ignores them , if he will stay or go or not turn up at all. All these feelings and real and valid and all you can do is trying to support them through this shitty time until there’s a bit more stability.

They are young and will adapt quickly to the new normal. They will probably benefit from some specialist counselling / play therapy etc, when things are more settled.

None of this is your fault , he is the one who has subjected his kids to domestic. Violence, not you. You are the one who is doing your best to save them.

They will feel better in time. I promise.

I'm sorry for what you are going through but you have done amazingly well in a week. You have to keep going.
One tiny thought would you be able to start getting your shopping delivered it would save you struggling carrying heavy bags with the children and making you feel rubbish. Also then you don't have to ask him for any help.💐

Have had a shit day today. I'm feeling exhausted- ended up missing lunch as I was on the phone to the local LA chasing up historic reports after being told my subject access request would take 40 days. The police were surprisingly more helpful and agreed to send me past crime reference numbers to share with the judge ahead of the hearing on the 21/02- the access any notes or reports would require a court order. I swear they don't make this easy for victims to seek support. I now know why Lawyers charge so much! After threatening to contact my local MP, social services sent me past reports within half an hour. I now have those, my child's neurodevelopment report (suspected ASD/ADHD), a letter from the nursery and school, a witness statement from a friend who saw me and my children during the week, the police incident numbers, all the paperwork I completed for the non-molestation order. I now need to write a statement why I need an occupation order.

Since the whole lot comes to over 50 pages, I have to submit the bundle in person to court which is a train journey away.

My eldest child was really playing up this evening (told me later it was due to missing dad) and I really did not handle that well. I'm so shit for that- he got my frustration and anger instead of warmth and reassurance. I'm such a bitch and have a lot of making up to do in the morning. I feel like getting off the hamster wheel and sleeping for a week.

I asked him to drop off some milk for the children's breakfast and got an arsey message back saying I needed to give him more notice if I needed anything. I asked him to put some money through the letterbox and that I'd collect some milk on my way home from work tomorrow (I'm currently £561.48 overdrawn and get paid on 21/02) but he refused. Got a text an hour later saying he'd left some milk outside. I can't believe this is how my life has turned out. My poor children- they deserve better parents.

Oh and I also found out that I need to forward him the same paperwork that I submit to court. Bastard.

He's always managed everything- bills, food shop, etc. and manages the budget for that. Online food shopping is something I need to look into.

Do I tackle the issue of finances now or later when I apply for the actual divorce? Haven't got the energy for that atm. I need a period of regaining my strength following this and then go in for round two.

Have you looked to see if you could / would be eligible for any help thru Universal Credit ?

how are you going to cope until 21st Feb ?

It's essential you have the financial settlement done with the divorce so it's fair and legally binding. You can't trust this man to even try to be fair, or to do what he says he will. Don't make a single move without talking to your lawyer first and don't communicate directly with him at all about any financial matters.

Maybe don't ask him to get groceries etc either. This is the kind of thing that can be used against you - she was acting like we were still in a couple, if course I never hit her, she wouldn't be actively encouraging me to go round to her place if that were true now would she etc etc. Start acting like you're divorced already.

I think you are sharing too much with him, your end goals are not the same. You need help and advice from someone who is not emotionally invested. As I mentioned before Victim Support give help and support free to the survivors of domestic abuse - financial - legal - emotional - accommodation etc.
He will hit you or worse again.
you are achieving so much! Get angry and use that energy!!

Just found an email in my junk mail from a mediator who's asking to talk to me to discuss child access arrangements?! Even I know mediation isn't recommended for DV so why would someone who works in that field agree to contact me like this? This despite me being the one to facilitate his contact with the children.

Request for mediation is an attempt to make you look as though you are denying access and therefore being unreasonable.

Respond to the mediator (who presumably doesn't know about the DV) and politely decline the offer.
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She's aware of what's going on. Her email said "I understand that there is to be a court hearing in regards to a non-molestation application. This often allows for communication via a third party- we can discuss how mediation can work given the circumstances."

I replied last night and she got back to me this morning saying she'd pass on the child contact forms for him to submit to court. The system really is a fucked up one. The people working in the field either don't care or are so desensitised to what they come across, that it seems like they don't care.

I think mediation is not the same as therapy.

It’s possible she is able to be a buffer between you. Ask her how mediation works when one party has been physically abusive. Ask if she can assure your safety from more manipulative behaviour?

To apply to court for a child arrangement order he first has to contact a mediator who has to make contact with you before they can issue him with a certificate to apply to court.

If you were applying you wouldn’t have to do that bit because of the DV but because he’s not the victim, you are, he can’t get around it.

From your point of view it could actually be a positive thing because he clearly hasn’t claimed that he is being abused by you or the mediator would have been able to issue the certificate without contacting you. This might work in your favour when he inevitably tries to turn on you in the court process and claim that you are the abusive one.

So the mediator knows there's a non molestation order hearing. They don't know that it's around DV. I'd just ignore for now you don't have to reply. It's not recommended or expected in DV cases so wait for your non mol. Mediation is highly inappropriate and don't fall for intimidation and scare tactics.
You're doing great!

I'm in a panicked state this evening. I've submitted everything I've needed to the court earlier this week in preparation for Fridays hearing and have only just received his counter accusations and statements- the lies, the deception and manipulation are shocking. He's shared historic texts from as far back as 2018 where he's made it sound like I'm a raging lunatic and from what he's shared- I can't even think that far back, I sound like a mad bitch! He's a whizz at IT and has photoshop so I'd not be surprised if he's made up some of that information. He's also shared audio recordings of me swearing, etc. what they don't show is how he's followed me room to room goading me and then caught me only when I've snapped. I wasn't too worried about Friday but I am now- he's so good at how he presents (currently a broken looking man) that I'm scared the judge is going to believe him.

I was going to represent myself but really think I need legal representation to present the case for me so my emotions don't take over.

If anyone's previously been for an occupation hearing, can you share what's involved please? I've started to shake again.

In our culture, we often get friends and families involved to mediate on our behalf. He's used past occasions where I've contacted his family members to say he's been having suicidal thoughts and to keep an eye on him as defamation of character and harassment. He's also said I've got a history of broken relationships and am estranged from my family- the bastard.

Oh that is classic narcassist abuse .
why did he record ? He recorded as he was always on the back foot and needed something when it all caught up on him .

Stay calm and say what I’ve said above. .
Tell then to ask women’s aid about that type of abuse . Hopefully the judge has seen it all
before

Again another classic abuse tactic .threatening suicide . .
OP for on women’s aid page and screen shit the info you need ask reference
All he is doing is showing who he really is .

It’s like when abuses women murder . Nobody sees the lead up just the carnage afterwards

@Imbusytodaysorry I'm so so panicked. I'm scared he's going to get away with it again. I've not had any IDVA input and woman's aid never answer. I don't want the judge to waive the current non-molestation order and allow him back at home. The cycle will just continue and my kids will be confused more than ever.