He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

It won't op. They're young enough to learn that that's not the right way to treat people. You've taken the first steps to removing his influence from them and they will grow up safer and happier living without him. As will you. Well done and stay as strong as you can, you will wobble, and you will wonder if you've done the right thing, but remember this conversation with your children and draw strength from that x x

You can do this. You’re already doing it. And you’re already done the hardest bit which is ending it. And you’ve carried many of the above responsibilities before but with the added responsibility of trying to placate an abuser. You’re free from that now. It will also absolutely get better. Your children will be ok but I’d definitely advocate for their schools providing additional support. Make sure you have a domestic abuse charity supporting you too. They may be able to signpost you to services for your children.

I'm not strong though/ I feel broken. I feel like my life has ended in a way. I feel so scared and vulnerable. I'm Scared of fighting so hard and then dropping dead from stress.

I e only had one week of doing this and I'm shattered by the 5:45/6am starts and the late finishes. I've not got any work done and am
Scared of falling behind. I'm scared of what's happened to my children and the games their bastard dad will play next.

You were on your own before but had someone draining you of everything positive.
I hope you can keep going and get through this as smoothly as absolutely possible. Keep fighting keep going. Yo have no alternative. I hope you can get some peace this weekend. And recharge. Sending you very best wishes.

@maaataa you can do this, but you need to stop mentally beating yourself up.

You are strong, and you are absolutely not a failure. You need to stop focusing on all the things that you could have done differently in the past, and focus on moving forward. If that's overwhelming at the moment, concentrate on the here and now.

Take it a day, and a step at a time. You have done the hardest part, and decided to get shot of him. That's such a difficult thing, when you are in an abusive relationship, and you should be proud of yourself.

You and your kids are going to be fine. You, and they, are far more resilient than you think, and you have got this. Be kind to yourself, you are doing amazing x

All the feelings you’re experiencing are completely normal. Your self esteem will be shredded, you’ll be full of self doubt about whether you can cope because you’ve been made to feel like you can’t or you’re useless and you’ll be struggling to do it all alone because you’ve likely been isolated from friends and family, to reduce the chances of you leaving. If you want to do some work on yourself I highly recommend the book overcoming low self-esteem. The freedom course will also help. Finally, can you reach out to any family and friends you want to reconnect with and see what support they can offer?

A year from now you'll realize life was just beginning. Being in the same house as someone who attacks you isn't life. You've been abused for so long you can't even remember what it's like to not be scared, but the day is coming. When the divorce is done and he can't get near you ever again, everything will be so much easier.

But I'm feeling massively guilty. He was flawed but so was/am I. His issue always was that I didn't respect him and I didn't because he was all physical- emptying the bins, driving me/kids around, getting the shopping in, running errands and absolute zero emotional connection/feedback, spontaneity or intimacy. The resentment built up and he'd swear at me and I'd swear back. We were over a long time ago, why didn't I leave a long time ago? Why did I let it get this far?!

Everyone is flawed. Just most people's flaws don't include them beating up their spouse and fantasising about their slow agonising deaths.

He literally caused the children physical injuries because he was so focussed on hurting you.

How can you ever respect someone with so little regard for your or your kids wellbeing? You've seen how much he has damaged your children.

You are correct you should have left long ago. But you're leaving now. Had you stayed it would only have gotten worse and would probably have ended in your death.

Beating up your wife isn't a "flaw'. And the one who's beating up a woman with her children in her arms is the one who should feel guilty. He had quite a talent for making you feel everything was your fault, didn't he? You should be able to start getting over that now he's gone, but it may take some time.

Keep the fact that you are keeping them safe from potentially, really, dreadful harm, in the front of your mind. The statistics are appalling. Be strong!
keep strong connections with friends and family, you need a little army right now. You will come through this, just keep your head. What do you think the violence both physical and emotional was doing to them? Just tell them that none of this is their fault and you will always be there for them. You sound like a lovely mum.

OP you are so brave. I am proud of you.

You need to stop putting so much negativity on this.
You are finally free to live in a house without walking on eggshells
Your kids get to live in a house without domestic violence.
All this talk about he was flawed but so was I is madness, domestic violence isn't a flaw. Its abuse and it's evil. Plain and simple. Try taking a week off work to reset

Everyone is flawed you’re right, but everyone also has choices and his choice was to be physically abusive to you in a home where your children should have felt physically and emotionally safe. Don’t feel guilty for being the person who stood up for your children.

You're doing a great job, so just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You've got this.

How can you possibly respect someone who has shown you such disrespect? You stayed because he was controlling you. Men don't start out violently otherwise women would leave immediately.

He took time to get you to trust him, then he will have gradually undermined you and isolated you until you were dependent on him and then he started to hit you.

It's a pattern and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You and your children will recover and you will be stronger. You're amazing. Rest for now. Take it slowly. One step at a time. One day at a time. We're here for you.

@maaataa you are doing amazingly! Getting the non-molestation order is a really good start. Occupation orders are harder to get as you are excluding someone from their own home. If there is any way at all you can find money for a direct access barrister I would absolutely go for it. It could help you so much for future proceedings and your safety arrangements. Honestly his manipulation trying to fake that you are the one being abusive shows this is something he has control over when he decides to. I'm glad you persevered with the police and court and were honest with children's services. If they offer you support I would take it. Having someone to coordinate support to your family would be really helpful.

Please, please don’t panic now. You will have time to think later. Now you need to act. Please don’t brood about the past. He hit you, end of the story. You need all your energy to preserve you and the children. Keep your courage!

You are doing really well, Op , it’s hard to be strong but you have to keep going for the sake of your kids. I’ve been where you are and it feels impossibly hard to leave these abusive men.

I stayed with my ex for years longer than I should because I knew he would be a nightmare to leave . And he was , he was even worse than I thought, I won’t lie to you.

But it was worth it in the end , as now I’m out the other side , my kids and I are free from him. In the beginning when he left, he made a lot of noise about wanting them 50-50 . In fact before he left he told me that he was going to get custody of them full-time because I was crazy.

In the end, of course, he was no more interested in parenting them than he was when we lived together. He'd see them for an about two hours once a month for the first few months .

Then his partner moved in with him and from then on he’s seen them about twice a year. They are old enough to choose as they are teens now.

Men like your ex are only interested in the kids when they can use them to get at you. When they can’t, they lose all interest, as little ones like yours are hard work. One he discovers that he has to have clothes, toys and a bedroom for them at his new place and that you won’t do all this for him, he won’t make the effort.

Most of them have a new woman within weeks, who is sucked in by his sob stories about his evil ex and usually doesn’t want him to see his kids. So it all fades out after a while.

in your case you really don’t have a choice to leave your husband as he’s so violent he could easily kill you. The best stability for your kids is NOT a house, it’s a mum who is alive and well, physically and mentally.

im sorry this bastard is putting your through this, you don’t deserve any of this. Yes even if you swore back or pushed him away or “ disrespected him “.

You can do this, just take one day at a time.

The weekend was really tough, not only am I mentally and physically exhausted (I really need to learn to drive when funds allow) but it was the first one since last week's episode and I didn't know how it'd pan out. He stayed away on Saturday and I had to contact him to remind him that the children were missing him and he needed to take them out the next day. He agreed and they spent 6 hours together. I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually had a wobble when I saw him- he looked so sad and haggard and I really felt sorry for him. He left with the children and I had a big ugly cry afterwards- a cry for the future I'd never have, a cry for the man he no longer was and a cry for myself- life has been a bitch to me but I've carried on regardless. Eventually, the house felt suffocating and I had to go into town to feel surrounded by normal people.

I'd asked him to bring over some groceries (I'd done a mini shop with the children the day before but there were some things that would've been too heavy to carry home alone), he dropped those off with the children. My eldest was climbing the walls through hyperactivity (panic? Anxiety?) when it came to their dad leaving and the youngest (usually can't see past anyone but me- the older one makes no secret of loving dad more!) cried and cried and begged daddy to stay. It broke my heart. Will they feel better in time?

I feel like such a failure.

I've made a start on gathering paperwork for my hearing on the 21st. I've made a subject access request for historic reports from social services. I'll do the same for the police today. A friend who's kept in touch has agreed to provide a witness statement as has the nursery and school manager and head teacher.

Lots and lots yet to go. I'm so scared. I've Never felt so alone in my life. I'm filled with self-loathing atm. While the rest of my friends got married in their 20s, I took my time to meet the right person but while my friends are all still married, here I am in a shit situation with a very uncertain future. I'm feeling really bitter and angry with life. I've never been a jealous person but I find myself watching couples on my way into work, etc. and I hate them all.

I've now informed my manager. I didn't want to (she's not very discreet and I don't trust her) but I don't want to make a mistake at work because of how I'm in survival mode with very little capacity for problem solving. She made all the right noises and said she'd be here to support me but I don't really want to put that to the test.

I've tried reaching out to one of my siblings but they've made it very clear they don't want to know but they'll pray for me. Better than nothing I suppose.

My eldest was having a grump yesterday and asked 'why is our life so boring?' It really cut deep but I'm trying to think boring= safety, predictability and security to reassure myself. I feel like I've let them down and also snatched away the future I envisioned for them. At the same time, I'm aware that their dad brought a cloud of misery over us and the DCs life was filled with being told off for the littlest of things. They were expected to be like robots- jump through hoops to please their dad which is not okay. I'm having So many conflicting thoughts atm.

@OliveThe0therReindeer :

In the end, of course, he was no more interested in parenting them than he was when we lived together. He'd see them for an about two hours once a month for the first few months .

Once during an argument, he asked me why I hadn't aborted the children as that would've meant he could've walked away a free man. There'll be lots of things I'll never forgive him for, this was one of them.

He's not interested in anyone or anything. He's always said he's been an oddball and wish he'd never been born because everyone in his life had let him down. I k ow he was on the pathway to be assessed for ADHD (the ASD assessment people told him his childhood trauma- cold, emotionally detached parents- was too big a factor and as such, they couldn't diagnose him). He's also said I'm forcing diagnoses on him to paint him as mentally unstable.