Can I be forced into working full time?

[naturalbaby]

I work part time/job share but 12hr shifts on an 8 day rota.

We have 3 teenagers with hectic schedules and it's impossible for 1 parent to manage alone for more than a few days - we agreed to be amicable and flexible and have very little/no childcare support. The reason I'm part time is because of the logistics of the kids schedules, it was very difficult for their dad to manage when I worked full time. He's now saying I'll have to work full time or get a different job. I'm on UC so this makes up for my loss of earnings.
Can I be forced to change my work in the next few months for the financial agreement??
We have a joint mediation session soon and I don't want to waste time so want to make it as efficient as possible so that we can finalise the divorce asap.

He can be a shit father but the thrust of comments on this thread is criticising the OP for looking at options which will minimise the impact on the children (on the assumption that she wants to work part time to achieve this).

The object of criticism here should not be the parent trying to maintain stability for teen children but the parent trying to exploit that stability for his own financial gain.

No parents want their kids to miss out on things but it's the price many pay when their parents divorce. Your exh can't dictate your social life but he can insist upon a regular routine for DC so one week they are with you and the next week with him. On his week it will be up to him to organise transport to get kids to and from school and if he wants them going to after school activities to sort that out too. On the week the DC are with your exh you could work full time and even try to do a few extra hours if you could. You probably won't see your DC that week. You would not be expected to drive them around.

I'm resentful that my taxes on full time earnings pay your UC so you can afford time and money for things for your kids that I can't for my kids - extra curriculars - and driving lessons?
The benefits system is supposed to be a safety net.

I applied for financial support because of my current temporary situation to help my family navigate separation and divorce without fucking up our kids too much. I'm entitled to UC because of my financial situation and I will return to full time work as soon as practical. I've been assessed and am eligible for support - I asked for help where I needed it and I got it. I don't make the rules and we couldn't sell our house any faster.
My point is that he's agreed to support our current situation because we are prioritising our kids mental health and now he's saying he can't cope anymore - the consequence is that they loose their extra curricular activities and I will have to retrain and get a new job. I accepted that is inevitable a long time ago, my issue is he's trying to push for it to happen much sooner than we agreed and we still have kids in the middle of GCSEs who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce.

And I think I said it before - I work part time because he couldn't cope with childcare around me working 12hr shifts 4x a week. He agreed to financially support the family so that I did most of the child related work because he earns double my full time salary.

Exactly this

Childcare for teens? Teens don't need childcare.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and yes it’s shit that he won’t honour your agreement and put the kids first, but unfortunately you cannot force him to and the default expectation is that you will work full time.

@naturalbaby can you go for 60/40 as you have the kids ? Am I missing something here, I’m
not really understanding what’s going on.

I think you have done what any parent on here is advised to do when separating .
Apply to UC and see if you are entitled to help to support you and the kids while everything is sorted.

The applying for UC isn't the issue, it's what it is there for, to catch you in circumstances like this to support you whilst you actively look for FT work.

The issue is the suggestion that OP doesn't want to look for FT work due to her children's hobbies and wants STBXH to foot the bill. Whatever information arrangements were made previously between OP and her husband doesn't count for anything and he can change his mind as much as he likes as can she. And like many children of divorce sacrifices will need to be made. OP will need to find FT work to support herself asap and not put it off due to her children's hobbies, the children will just have to give them up or find another way of getting there. This is not unusual, many children don't get to take part in sport properly as the alternate weekend parents don't want to take them, it is unfortunate and rubbish for them but part and parcel of separated families.

@naturalbaby you said "I have years of missing pension contributions"

I'd double check that through the government gateway, you will have been awarded conts through child benefit, if it was paid to you.

12 hour shifts 4 times a week is 48 hours. You could drop one of these and still be in full time work (36 hours).

Is it night shifts you do?

Single mums can't do shift work unless they have exes or family who will do out of hours childcare.

I'm reading your OP as a wish to maintain the life your DC have now, just with parents in different locations. From that angle, it makes sense, rather than a "wanting to get UC to stay part time and ferry teenagers" viewpoint, but it's not going to be viable. Could you start having conversations with your teenagers about whether they enjoy the clubs they do etc. now? You also mention in your OP about your DS learning to drive. Who's going to fund that, and is there the money for that to happen now?

Surely anything that has been accrued during the marriage will be split 50/50, considering he has built his career up based on you providing childcare.

After that, it's not up to him to tell you how many hours to work, but it's not up to him to support you either.

The children are 50% his responsibility so if he's not having them 50% of the time he does need to be paying CMS.

If your children have matches 100 miles away so frequently it requires one parent to work part time, that's not reasonable or feasible for a single parent or most working parents to be honest. It's unfortunate that this change is coming about due to the divorce but it was an expectation that shouldn't have been started in the first place.

So is working part time until the eldest is 17, no court will order your ex to support you to do that, it's just not reasonable or realistic in comparison to most people's lives.

There are many extra-curricular activities your teens can get involved in by getting the bus or walking.

@naturalbaby I'm sorry, I think I read your post wrong about the 12hrs x 4 per week? How many hours do you actually currently work?

Sorry, in legal terms this is gibberish. None of this will make any difference to the outcome of a divorce with teenaged children. He's decided he won't support the OP to work part time and he is entirely within his rights to do so. Both parties are expected to maximise their income and for both parents of teenagers that means working full time. A divorce settlement - if it had to go to court - would be made on this basis.

Again, this is more gibberish. I've seen far more divorces in my career where mum tries to stop dad seeing the children in order to maximise their share of the assets and - sometimes - to try and get spousal maintenance, only to suddenly offer 50/50 once the dust has settled, than I have seen divorces where dad doesn't want to do his share of childcare.

@naturalbaby ypu are seperated he can’t force you to do anything .
Ypu apply for divorce and get your lawyer to apply for alimony. He will have to bridge the gap untill the divorce settles.

Your lifestyle and the kids shouldn’t have to change.
You got for all assets in a pot totalled up the. Ask for a 60/40 split .
He can’t refuse his pension it comes as part of the settlemt .

Go over you income and outgoings give the sheet to your lawyer they will need this when applying to the court Is he paying child maintenance ?

He's insisting on 50:50 childcare and financial split.

I'm looking into pension top ups but we moved abroad for his job so it's really complicated and slow to process.

The kids are teenagers but we do need childcare or another adult to help out (do other parents really leave 13yr olds home alone for 8hrs+ when there is no parent available in a potential emergency?)
2 kids play a sport in different teams where they need a parent/guardian on site for all matches and training sessions. We've explored every single potential option for several years and the last resort is they give up their sport - and that's getting closer to reality as the divorce progresses.

I find it hard to believe that there is a sport that insists on a parent or guardian attending every training session for 13 year olds. Parents aren't even allowed to stay at the clubs and extra curriculars for my 4 yo.

If your 13 yo is going to be home alone (where are the other 2 during this time?) for 8 hours, then you will need to get a babysitter.

@naturalbaby I think since you have two older teens too it's not unreasonable to think they can be home alone when you work. If you do 50/50 it's only every other week this could happen. Or if your employer is flexible maybe work 4 x 12h shifts every other week and 2 or 3 x 12h shifts when you do have the kids.

Thankyou for the advice.
Part of the process for me is figuring out what is realistic and what isn't - we're avoiding solicitors etc as much as possible and are preparing for mediation sessions so I have no idea if anything he's saying is reasonable or just him having a tantrum because he took on more than he can cope with and thinks I have the easier side of the arrangement.

I'm doing the majority of the childcare and don't have the earning potential to afford a mortgage or rent in the town we live in. I will have to move away, get a new job and basically start over and I've already done that several times to facilitate his career progression.

I think that the sooner you let go of the fantasy of an amicable divorce where you both do what you say you're going to do, the better. I would plan to paddle my own canoe, and get a good solicitor.

You're in the long grass now, it isn't fun, but this is where the amicable agreements you may have made so far can go out of the window. You are getting divorced when you have children around GCSE age, so yes, there will be outfall. It's inevitable, but what you can do is minimise the effect this has on you by accepting that divorce is a big deal, things are absolutely going to change, clueing yourself up on the law and what a likely reasonable outcome would be finiancially and viewing everything else as a bonus.

It's not easy, which is why people don't jump to do it. You will get through it, things will look different, that has to be accepted. The longer you fight that the more energy you'll sink, and you need all you've got.