I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

I've got 2 kids another on the way and can support us part time

Also on my own. But I get UC

It does sound horrendous OP and you are obviously (and understandably) struggling to cope at the moment.
Would it be an option to get signed off work for a few weeks to have a rest and recharge your batteries.
Also, if you could find the time and money for some counselling sessions then that would help to have an impartial person to listen and help you move forward.
Try to look after yourself and not let your partner wear you down too much xx

I have thought about being signed off but two of my working days are days when he works from home and I just can’t face being in the house when he’s in it.

I think depression is a very real possibility. I actually tied to speak to my GP a few days ago but you can’t get an appointment so that’s that really.

It's a really hard thing to do. Some people I know had plans in place for solicitor repayments and it did take time to pay off but they got their divorce.

Divorce is never going to easy, it think that's important to remember. But it's about what lies at the end.
I lived with my husband for 18 months after we separated as neither of us could afford to leave. Was it awful most of the time, yes, but you have to decide what sacrifices you are able and willing to make to get to your end goal. And that's very different for everyone so it's something you have to decide.

Don’t give up trying to get an appointment. Can you do an Econsult?

You absolutely can afford it, OP. But you have to make the choice as you would probably need to go back to work ft.
This is the choice I made when I left my ex-husband and my wage was pretty crap.
Still privately renting a decade on but no regrets.

No - I saw this on a thread the other day in fact. My surgery offer nothing. For non urgent appointments you have to call at a certain time, which I can’t. And for same day appointments it’s still tricky. You often can’t get through at all at 8 when the surgery opens and I work three days a week so those days are out and then the other two days I have small children with me.

Arghh people are now focusing on the full time / part time thing. Even if I went back full time tomorrow I could not afford it. OK?

Wouldn’t your husband have to provide CM as well?

@santawashisnameo May I ask what your ft wage net would be? A ballpark figure. Under a certain amount and you would receive UC.

@AmyFarahFowlerIsMyHero Only if OP was main carer.

I understand that everything seems impossible and overwhelming at the moment but you really need to prioritise getting an appointment. Take a days sick
leave or whatever it takes to book the appointment and to attend it.

I know. It isn’t. But it really isn’t just about UC. There are a thousand other practicalities first. And yes DH would hypothetically have to provide CM. But getting to that point isn’t possible.

@santawashisnameo It's do-able. My wage was about £1400 pm and when I left I was topped up with Tax Credits. No CM. Rented privately a small two-bed with two small kids.
Yes you won't have the lifestyle you have now, but it depends how badly you want to leave.

It’s really frustrating and I have to say a bit upsetting reading things like that.

depends how badly you want to leave

OK. So I want to leave. I really, really want to leave, let’s say.

And where do I live? My car? The streets? Do I want to leave that badly? Of course not and even if I did I don’t think my children deserve that.

@santawashisnameo You could rent if you couldn't stay in the marital home.

Could I? And how would I pay the deposit and the first months rent, even if I could find a landlord willing to rent to me? Pray do tell.

@santawashisnameo Loan and wages - same as I did.

You’ve had lots of advice here on the way forward with that regarding where you live, equity from marital home, council housing, increasing hours at work, child maintenance. It is doable, if you really want to do it, and if you don’t then that’s okay. But it is possible- it’s not easy- but it is possible.

I’d also say it’s worth remembering that the most important thing kids can have is happy parents. If staying is costing you your mental health then leaving is your best option, for yourself and your family.

You need to play the long game then OP and start squirrelling away some cash every week for your escape fund. How much could you afford without it being noticeable? How much would you need to escape? At last if you had a plan you might be able to cope with the toxic home environment if there was an end in sight.

@Mrsttcno1 Absolutely everything you said.
Financially it's been incredibly difficult, and my sons certain live in two very different homes (a wing each at their dad's, a small single each at mine), but mentally it's been worth it. I'm still alive.

It really isn’t doable.

People are being incredibly naive and I don’t want to be argumentative but this sort of ‘you can do it if you reeeally, reeeally want to’ is just as daft in the real world as it is when reading your friends Facebook posts when she’s been sucked into another MLM.

The rental market is dire. Finding somewhere to rent is going to be nigh on impossible. Then let’s suppose somehow I did - how am I going to afford to actually move in, with the first months rent as a deposit, plus the first months rent? That’s literally pretty much what I earn. People then start insisting I can claim UC - I can’t, but even if I could, it isn’t helpful on that hurdle.

I am not a stupid woman and nor am I ignorant about the fact that the housing situation is woeful. Once yes, you could walk out, LTB on the Monday and be in a house by Wednesday. Now, you can’t. I’d actually appreciate if people could stop acting like this is me being awkward; it isn’t.

How old are the children, OP?

I don't thinks about how badly you want to leave it's about what your limit of sacrifice is.

You either have to sacrifice your happiness, and I'm sad to say this will impact your children (kids do see this when they got older), or what you need to so you can leave, which will impact your kids in other ways.

That's something only you can decide.

It comes across from your posts that you aren't ready to take that big a step yet and that's why you are unable to get on board with what would be needed to leave. It feels like you are hoping that people will say it can't be done so that it becomes justifiable that you stay.

This all comes down to you and what you want to do. Humans are capable of amazing things but it always takes loss of something. We never get to have it all so it's you figuring out what your quest is and what you feel you can give to get to it.

Be kind to yourself, it's tough. But my kids are so much happier now that I am out and they don't have to live in a toxic and fake environment.