I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

OP I understand that you are upset and confused, and just wanted to offload but people also want to help. Can you just answer the following questions, how much do you earn, how many children do you have (and ages/disabilities) and how much is childcare? Also where are you, where in the UK?

I’d prefer not to say where I am. I have two children, neither have any disabilities. They are three and 15 months old. Childcare is around £850 a month.

How much do you earn? There are a lot of benefit experts on here who will be able to tell you what you might be able to claim, especially spending £850 in childcare costs.

I don’t know. As ridiculous as that sounds - I am part time and I know my full time salary but not exactly what that translates to in PT terms. I take home more than £2000 a month, though.

Can you be more precise? More than £2k is very vague. My niece receives UC as single mum with one child, no childcare costs and earning £43k pa. You might be right, you might not be able to afford a divorce atm but at least you'll be making the decision armed with facts and figures. Or if you don't want to disclose on here, put your information into one of the online benefit calculators - either Turn to Us or Entitled To. You might be surprised.

It isn’t just about UC though @YourWildAmberSloth . I know that sounds a bit as if I’m being obtuse which isn’t the intention but it isn’t that I am entitled to UC and then I can say ‘oh great, wow, I cancan get divorced!’ There’s a thousand problems in the way first.

Does he earn more than you? Why can't he move out?

Because all those things still apply but in any case it’s me wanting to split; afaik he doesn’t (although it is possible.)

Maybe he doesn’t want to move out.

@howshouldibehave well obviously that's an option, but OP hasn't told him she wants to divorce yet and if he earns more he may be better able to afford to move out.

You'd be surprised how much UC you might get even with decent earnings, especially when a high rent is involved. The equity in the house you own can be disregarded for a period of time by DWP as long as steps are being taken to sell it.

I’m not going into details but I promise I am not entitled to UC.

You said at the start that the rent etc would be around £2k which is more than you take home but now you're saying you take home more than £2k. Have I read something wrong?

Yeah she said 'rent 2k a month, deposit and other fees', so how can she save it, it's not just the first months rent you have to pay out

Does your employer (or Union if you belong to one) have an Employee Assistance Programme. They can also give you free advice, and it's not just about "work" but also can include referring you to financial advice.

Is your Husband contributing properly? If not it's financial abuse.
If he is coercing or guilting you into sex that is also abusive.

You can do this. But you need to get proper advice.

Indeed, but if I was married and my spouse decided they wanted to divorce me so I should move out of a house we jointly owned, I would refuse.

@howshouldibehave as I'm sure many would, I didn't say he should move out, I was asking the OP a question.

You always have options.

You can decide - and make a promise to yourself - that you will initiate divorce proceedings as soon as you have saved up the £593 for the online application.
Or you can decide to put up with it until your eldest starts school, when your childcare costs will fall, and then apply for a divorce
Or you can decide to put up with it until your youngest starts school.
Or you can promise yourself it at another point. You can wait until the kids are at secondary school. Sixth form. University.

The point is, that your post title is almost certainly correct, and if you think you can’t afford a divorce, then you can’t. Or you can’t afford it now. So plan for it, save for it, and then do it. It’s not as if this current financial situation you’re in is forever. If it’s shitty, at least you can reassure yourself that it’s shitty and finite rather than shitty and forever. If he’s actually abusive to you, you have recourse to other means of escape such as refuges. But otherwise, it might be helpful to reframe your problem as ‘I can’t afford a divorce right now’ rather than ‘I can’t afford a divorce’.

You said, Why can't he move out? as if he should. I was just saying that not wanting to is a perfectly good enough reason why not!

What would you do if he divorced you?

You'd cope right? With help from benefits if you need them. So it's not that you can't afford it, it's that it would be difficult.

It's apt that divorce and moving house are amongst the most highest stressful situations and when both together double the anguish. 😢

Being objective, you don't have to divorce and pay for it immediately. Selling the house and sharing the equity gives you some money to both find somewhere, whether temporary or not. I know quite a few people who have gone through this and it's tough at first, especially for children, but they can be remarkable resilient, much more than us adults.

Meanwhile please seek advice from professionals/CAB and good luck. Xx

I was in a very similar mindset to you a couple of years ago. It's a horrible but necessary process to go through for some - but you have to decide what you want your future to be and take control. There are options, you just have to take time and figure that out.
The bottom line for me was that I refused to stay together for the sake of the kids - our mental health and happiness as individuals was my priority and after a trial with him working away it was obvious we were happier apart.
If you decide it's necessary then there are options and support available - you just have to look and ask.

It would be shit if you told him you wanted a divorce and then had to live together until the house sold.

It would be shit for that period of time while you waited and things got sorted out. Probably really awful at times.

Thing is, that would end eventually. Things as they are now are also shit and you just have to keep living them, telling yourself there is no way out, with no end point.

It's scary and it's hard but you don't have to carry on being married if you don't want to. Everything is manageable one way or another.

This is exactly it. Staying is hard, leaving is hard, you have to pick your hard. At least leaving is temporarily hard & hard with a purpose while you wait for sale/divorce and getting sorted on your own, staying is hard day in and day out with nothing but more of those days ahead.

Would he agree to couples counselling OP? He wouldn’t need to know that you were going into it with the aim of agreeing a separation but it would help to have an impartial person to guide the discussion.