I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

Sorry if this has been said, but you can get a free 30 minute consultation from most divorce lawyers. That will give you something more to go on. Maybe you'll still decide on balance you'd rather stay put for now, but as a PP said, it's information you can tuck away for future reference.

Definitely not counselling.

I think it’s either something you understand, or you don’t. I do not want to be living in a house with someone else with that amount of tension for months, possibly even stretching into years. I would honestly, honestly rather keep pretending everything is fine than go through that.

How do you think he would respond if you had an honest conversation with him and told him you want to separate? Would he move out to a small flat or to relatives while the house sale is organised so that the children were not disrupted in the short term?

No - it would just be horrible. Absolutely no getting round that and then it is done and cannot be undone to paraphrase lady Macbeth.

In what way would it be horrible?

Is your mortgage very high OP? Is there any way you could reduce it (
Ie interest only) or reduce other expenses to allow you to save up? Is your husband paying towards the kids, the childcare ect equally?

If money is what's stopping you, try to detach emotionally. Tell yourself it doesn't matter that he's lazy because when you finally leave, you'll be doing it all anyway. Don't have sex with him if you don't want. Make sure he's paying his way proportion to his income.

You're right not to announce your intent to divorce too soon. You're going to have to play a long game, will be easier when you're not paying so much in childcare and you don't have a tiny baby. If you can get practical support from friend's or family, do, they don't have to know your intentions either if that's best, just that you need a hand with 2 tiny ones.

Also, with a 3 month old...do you think it's possible you've got PND and that's why all this is overwhelming?

Agreed, you do sound depressed (understandably). Could you have some individual counselling to give you some support in finding a way forward?

If that’s your decision, make a long term plan, when can you leave and how. That will help organise things in your head.

I think you said you were part time? If so, and you are planning on getting divorced, I would go back to work full time asap. Don’t lose the earning/career/pension potential that your husband is benefiting from by you being part time,

I don’t have a three month old - not sure where that’s come from! I have a preschooler and a toddler.

A lot of these comments are meant supportively and I do know that but without knowing the nuances of things aren’t practical. The ‘go back full time’ for example - I’m barely managing part time at the moment. Full time would finish me off. Likewise the ‘why would it be horrible’ - I mean, come on, it is horrible to break up a family.

DH isn’t horrible or abusive but is watching me drown and it’s hard, really hard.

You won't give more details though OP so we can only comment based on what you've given us. Did you see the posters comment about changing your mentality to not being able to divorce 'right now' but aiming for a time in the future? Could that help to live with your circumstances?

If you so desperately need to leave then you will have to go full time. That's just life if you want to support yourself on a single income

If you don't have want to do that then you'll have to stay put until you can afford it

We are trying to help so maybe explain in more detail if the advice is missing the mark.
Of course breaking up a family is horrible but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done in a civilised way as you have said your husband isn’t abusive.
You are coming across as quite rude when people are trying to help

@Pandasnacks as I’ve said - I posted this while exhausted and near tears in the kitchen cooking dinner, running myself ragged while (it felt like) DH bumbles around doing what he wants.

That isn’t totally true and he would deny there’s any truth at all in it but he does have far more childfree time than me (yet still says it isn’t enough) his time isn’t accountable in the same way mine is, he doesn’t have to think of lunches and dinners, laundry, activities and so on. He also gets to sleep peacefully every night and doesn’t have the stress of getting them out and on the nursery run.

Mentioning these issues just gets an endless round of ‘talk to him / talk to him / talk to him’ - you can’t. He just goes on the defensive and starts accusing me of all sorts and I just don’t like bad feeling so I end up leaving it and pretending all is fine.

So really it boils down to

a) put up with it or
b) don’t

Choosing to put up with it is one thing. Having to put up with it is another.

See again you’re assuming I can just do that: I can’t.

It is frustrating when people bossily tell you what to do, even if it is not possible.

Sorry I must have misread their ages.

You do sound very down, in any case. Yes breaking up a family is horrible but staying in a shitty environment is probably more horrible for everyone in the long run. Happier mums are better for kids

Bossily? It’s your life so do what you want but people on here care enough to try to offer options to help you.

@ScorpioRising83 I think you've missed the point of the thread really, she WANTS to leave, she physically cannot afford to.

Well, it can be rather frustrating replying when we don’t have the full picture!

Why can’t you go full time?

In that case, yes you are always going to massively struggle trying to ever support and house you and your kids if you will only work part time. I don’t know anyone who can support kids on their own whilst only working part time.

I haven't missed the point at all, I was replying to her LAST COMMENT.

Is there anything that would make your marriage better?

If it's really lost you need to have the conversation to end it.

If you're so exhausted and broke then work out what 3 things you can start to do to change things. Or what 2 things if 3 us too many.

Talk to him. He might be one thing you change, but is there anything before that in the getting a better life process?

I’m going to sound horrible here but then don’t reply. I know - I’m sorry, but when you’re only just holding it together, someone else’s frustration because you’re not replying in the pre approved way is not what you need!

But in any case, when you go part time you change your contract. I can’t just say casually ‘oh yeah I want to go full time again’ and this will be done within a few weeks. We are actually slightly overstaffed at the moment. But anyway - I’m having to quibble about this and I really shouldn’t have to!

I have no idea if I want to leave, probably not really as it won’t be any easier.

You can’t talk to him. I’ve said this.

Probably because she's got two small kids and her husband is lazy.

I'm guessing there's not much wider family support.

Feel for you. This has been my life, putting up with crap from a very lazy and entitled STBXH. Now my children are older and no nursery fees, I’m leaving. It has taken years planning but I detached myself from him emotionally. I used to wish he would meet another woman and move out but that didn't happen.
I moved into the children’s bedroom, blaming his snoring. It was rather lovely sleeping in the same room as my little ones.
I put all my ducks in a row. Saved money by making cut backs (everything secondhand). I have a small property lined up for the new year. Sending you lots of hope for the future.