Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

It is normal for the presumed future estate agent fees to be considered in adjusting the buy out price. It's reasonable that OP pays something towards those. Usually half. Bit more gray area on mortgage arrangement fees because not every mortgage has arrangement fees (mine didn't) and OP has no choice about the mortgage provider.

So basically, he can buy the property where kids currently live & he can move in & live there to provide their stability & the kids don't have to move; he can become the daily parent. OP can move out & rent or possibly buy somewhere nearby that is big enough for kids to stay over & for OP to visit frequently or meet up easily with the (self-mobile teens). Unless he's a bad dad, this is a fair to all parties arrangement that puts the children's interests FIRST.

Also wondering if OP really spent most her income over the years on food & clothing. Did it actually go on holidays, expensive kids' clubs, nice gadgets, cars?

It never ceases to surprise me how much MN hates a woman with a generous ex. No woman should need to feel eternally indebted to a high earning partner who treats her and the kids well after separation. Someone who wants stability and a happy mum for their kids should be the basic standard, no?

Lots of opinions, thank you.

Just to be clear, he isn't proposing I take the hit for all the selling fees. His angle is that the offer is based on the scenario if selling and splitting fees so we'd be left with 180k and as he's been supporting me since leaving and the whole relationship that is fair. I suppose if there was £50k on the table instead, it'd be a much harder pill to swallow.

It's a tough one as I want what's rightfully mine but fighting this will probably leave me worse off.

Additionally, an identical house opposite is sold 6 months ago in much better condition (older couple) and based on that selling price, we'd have £185k equity to spilt (pre costs) however I will speak to agents.

As for buying myself, we live in a very expensive area in the south east, you'd need £450k to buy a 2-3 bedroom as an absolute bare minimum and it would have drawbacks including needing a fair amount of spending on.

What I've done with my money? Well, I've made sure the children have had lots of experiences and a lot goes towards extra circular activities (ballet, music lessons, sports). I also put a large amount into a work pension per month. I do pay my own fuel and car insurance costs, mobile and personal care items. But I suppose that's expected. I'll admit I'm not the most financially savvy

So hang on, you’ve benefitted massively by him paying the mortgage and bills, allowing you to pump money into your own pension and yet you’re quibbling over a few k now, ( which he’s perfectly allowed to do) even though he’s still paying mortgage and bills and has offered you nelp with deposit / rent?? Yet somehow you don’t think you’re getting what you deserve or is ‘rightfully’ yours….

unbelievable

it sounds like he just wants to move on, is being respectful and offering you a fair deal. Yet you don’t think so….:..

And based on your post if you go to open market you’d have less than he’s offered- your house is not in a good as condition as the one sold and the 185k is before estate agents, erp, legal costs etc which would all need to come off before you share what’s left

Oh and I don’t hate a woman with a generous ex before im accused of that. But op is unreasonable

This particular case is not about women v men as the OP has a good salary but has not contributed anything at all to the mortgage, enabling her to fill up her personal pension. Now she wants half the benefit of the mortgage payments but is presumably not splitting the pension

if someone posted that their male partner did this there would be outrage

You say you want what is 'rightfully mine' - it might help us if you could explain what you think is rightfully yours in this situation.

@brookgreenmum what is it you think you would get if you fought?

you have mentioned wanting to stay in the house until the kids are through school but surely you can see that, even if you did this, your ex cannot indefinitely pay mortgage and bills on that house as well as rent and bills wherever he is currently living?

This. I am perplexed at what you thought would happen otherwise.

He's being generous.

I'd bite his hand off if I were you.

You do have to consider that legal costs can spiral hugely, very quickly. So weigh that up.

is he planning to live in it himself? Rent it out? Sell it? Would he agree to own it and rent it back to you until the kids are older?

If it would put your mind at rest you could have a consultation with a solicitor (ones round here really do the 30 mins free thing) to check you’re not entitled to more.

In my defence 😳 I've not been earning that much for the whole time as I was on reduced hours (50-70%) on a lower salary (30-35k) for many years. Only the last 8-10 years has my salary crept up and going full time as the children are at school and older.

This. The more you write the more generous he sounds.

Where has all of your money gone? Why do you think you can't get a mortgage on your own place?

If I fought I'd like the right to remain till the youngest flew to University, then sell and take the 50%, hopefully would also be a larger pot and allow me to buy somewhere out of area.

I was hoping that having the children and not wanting to cause disruption in their lives would weigh heavily with a courts decision - this is what the internet has you believe(!)

The ideal would be him paying 50% of the mortgage, maintenance and me paying the rest and bills.

OP
Go to a mortgage advisor so they can walk you through some of this. If you are not the most financially savvy, this whole thing can be scary.
Most banks have an advisor you can talk to for free.

The reality is that you WILL need a place to live. I suspect you can afford to buy but maybe need some good quality information

This scenario rarely pans out even in divorces. And you are ignoring the fact that the children might decide to live with their Dad most of the time.

I personally don't believe in marriage and neither does he

That's just silly - marriage is a legal contract, nothing more nothing less. Do you not believe in wills either? Or employment contracts? Or consumer rights?

I don't think my career took a back seat,

But then you say:
I was on reduced hours (50-70%) on a lower salary (30-35k) for many years

So it has taken a back seat. And as the higher earner he will now own a nice house he can afford and I assume a lovely big pension. And you'll be renting for the rest of your life, hoping your landlord doesn't evict you, with a far more moderate pension.

If you were married you'd have been able to take some of his pension, or the cash equivalent, and maybe you'd have been able to buy your own place.

So at least educate your dd to the consequences of not believing in marriage.

It s a good offer.
It would cost 30k in solicitors fees to fight it.not worth it .
Your kids are teens.
You have a good income.
In 5 years you can move to cheaper area when youngest finishes school

We are unmarried. This appears to put me in a much weaker position unfortunately.

Presumably though op, he needs the equity to buy his own place?

You two have assets. You've split up. It is completely fair that he wants his share of the assets (whether that's 50/50 or otherwise) now to get on with his new life

Many people consider renting a complete waste of money, given they could be paying off their own house.

You are asking for a lot. Because your argument that 'it's so that the children can stay in their family home' doesn't work, as that is what he plans to do.

You say you have put a lot in to a pension. Does he have an equivalent pension? More? Less?

And kids can move house it is not not a big deal.
courts wont care. Unless your house is adapted to meet a disabled child s needs in which case maybe you have a case

I was hoping that having the children and not wanting to cause disruption in their lives would weigh heavily with a courts decision - this is what the internet has you believe(!)

He intends to live in the house so they won't be disrupted will they? They'll still be able to live there. You may find they spend much more time there and he becomes the default resident parent, with you paying him CM.

Kindly you have and are being exceptionally naive and a bit grabby

Staying in the home and him paying 50/50 is such an outdated notion, even if he did say ok stay till the time the youngest goes to university I think you would be paying the whole mortgage ( not 100% sure on that)

I think you need a lawyer not to fight but to advise you as you haven’t played this very well. You’ve been full time for 8-10 years and not paid a mortgage and yet it seems not much savings either… I think now is the time to take your head out of the sand and work out a long term plan