Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

Goodness I think you needed to think this all through before you threw him out.
It sounds like you've had a very comfortable life and have much better pension provision. If he stays in the house the kids get security too.
Given all the factors I would suggest taking his offer and being very grateful he has paid the bills since he was told to leave. You have benefited from the equity in exchange for what he has benefited from with you doing the lion share of hands on childcare.

This!

He's also offering to pay for your rental deposit and first month rent, OP. He sounds very generous. Say yes and start looking for a nice house to rent!

That is mostly accurate. I'd expect a rental to be somewhere around £1500-1800 p/m, he will pay deposit (1.5 months?) and the first rental and help with moving. He also states he will help get us started by buying bits of furniture and bits and pieces that wouldn't fit from the current place.

Going back to the last poster. To be fair to him, he did a lot of time alone with the kids whilst I worked (weekends, night shifts) and always took over after work and was very hands on in general, I can't lie.

As for children's expenses, I'd say he took around 30-40% of the load, and was responsible buying big ticket items like mobiles, laptops and more expensive clothing they were treated to at times plus any large household expenses - furniture, holidays, maintenance.

I've been crying this morning, as now it's all in writing that he did take a huge amount of the load.

How much of your ~£3K/month have you been saving since he left?

You should have a good pot to set you up with a decent rental by now?

It sounds like he's been more than generous and it makes sense for the DC to stay in their home with minimum disruption.

OP try not to cry. This must be quite upsetting and the uncertainty won't be helping.

You should get legal advice, just to check your position.

You should also speak to a mortgage broker, to see what your mortgage capability is. It may be you can buy something smaller even if it means a bit of a squeeze or going a little further afield - better to buy if you can rather than burn your equity on rent. L&C are excellent and don't charge a fee.

Not a huge amount if I'm honest. I had a few bits of house maintenance to pay for and took a holiday abroad in July which I'm paying off now. I'm also covering ad-hoc expenses that were paid for him in the past.

Give it a rest with your moral judgements. A long term, committed relationship like OP was in should not be seen as lesser than a marriage.

The only reason marriage confers so many protections on women is that it is a hangover from the days when women were not allowed to be independent and slipped seamlessly from the care of their father to the care of their husband.

This.

He has been very generous. You chose to "not believe in marriage " so you are unrealistic to expect the same outcome a legally married woman would get.

Adjust your lifestyle expectations down to a reasonable level. Move further away if need be.

Don't be thinking it's temporary and another man will bail you out. Pickings are really, really slim after 40 and men under 60 will be dating 30-year-olds, not looking to take care of middle aged dependents.

Talk with a financial advisor. Don't wait until your ex becomes exasperated and withdraws the offer.

I’d take his offer tbh.
Yes on paper you might argue it should be £90k instead of £80k.

But tbh it’s only £10k difference. I really dont think it’s worth fighting in court fir £10k.

A good question is what about the dcs.
As in Could you rent in the same area you are currently living in so dcs can carry on going to their respective schools?
What is his idea to support that if you can’t?

Once dcs have both left for Uni, you’ll have a small pot (that should have grown if invested wisely) to buy something for yourself. Prob in a cheaper area, not as big etc…but a roof over your head and some stability.

I’m assuming your ex is laying a decent CM if he has a high salary.
Plus your own wage.

If you’re not saving much atm, then insuspect it’s because you haven’t quite adjusted your lifestyle yet.

And yes it’s shit. Even more so when you have two teens who always want more.
But you need to get wiser financially. For your own sake and future

Yes, with adjustment to my outgoings and using the equity pot to supplement shortfall per month I should be able to rent in the area. I suppose I could drop my pension contributions a few percent. The potential maintenance will also help though it may not be great if he has them a fair amount.

Have you spoken to your DC @brookgreenmum? If your ex is going to be living in the house, the DC may choose to stay there most of the time. At their ages it makes sense - they have their bedrooms and all their things, school, friends, hobbies. It would give them more stability than moving.

There is an opinion now that children who move about as children are more fragile adults than those who lived in the same house while growing up.

You need to stop thinking about maintenance. Your youngest is 14. 4 years plus uni costs is the most you'll be seeing and if he has the kids half the time, which sounds in line with what he's done up to now, you won't get that.

You need to stand on your own two feet now. That's what you secured for yourself when you ended the relationship. It's not his job to subsidise your choices no and if you do meet a new partner you have really got to make sure you don't put yourself in such a vulnerable position again. It's time to paddle your own canoe.

I would be astonished if you get any maintenance at all.

If you want to get a mortgage, now or later, think about dropping the pension contributions to the minimum for 3-6 months before you apply, to show the maximum “disposable income”

Can you buy hom out?

It is also worth looking into (and discussing with your ex) which home should be the main home for your 17 year old when he/she applies to uni, as financial options vary with income of the student’s household.

I mean, I sound awful reading my comments and responses. But all that's happened is two people fell in love and had a family, you don't really think about all of this whilst you're in the middle of it all, it's just work, kids and having fun when you have some time. I suppose it was just falling into a comfort zone thing. I wrongly assumed the law and state will fall in line with me due to having the children and being the mother but I suppose that's an outdated view now and one I should have researched before pulling the plug a few months back 😟

Honestly OP.. count your blessings and take it.. while the offer stands

Fathers have rights too, and they are not really “children” any more, they can decide for themselves where they want to live. I feel you need to don the big girl pants and make a plan which should start with organising meetings with a financial adviser / mortgage brokers you can assess your options

"you don't really think about all of this whilst you're in the middle of it all"

Well, many people actually DO research, plan and prepare for legal and financial security. Not to be unkind but why did you disdain marriage without understanding the legal implications, and just assume you would be afforded the same legal rights anyway?

Oh so you wouldn’t have pulled the plug if you realised you’d haven’t your way now. Nice

It seems like the DH paid for the mortgage etc and she paid everything for the kids?

I see this often on these threads, and the op gets screwed. He money goes like water but his money goes on the bricks and mortars.

Girls really need financial literacy.

You’ve received bad advice, the children are irrelevant in terms of time and equity if you are unmarried. All you are is 2 people who bought a house together so assuming as joint tenants all a court will do is give you both your 50% back. There is no arguing for a higher % due to the children, that would only be the case if you were married and took it to court.

Not really MILLY.

She spent on the children.

Women often do that - spend on the children's wellbeing while the partner spends on the house. They then end up in this situation.

This op will end up badly off and poverty adjacent for the rest of her life but the husband will end up well cared for.

And you are telling her she should be grateful for it to boot.

The spent 19 years together, and not matter who spent what I bet her contribution was pretty fair.

He dh is not doing the right thing.