Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

You haven't answered what he plans to do with the house? Don't agree. It doesn't benefit you. How long till no mortgage penalty?

I agree there's no point involving solicitors btw. But as it stands you'll get 50%. If you agree to sale and letting people view and to vacant possession. So agreeing a flat cash amount which may be less than your 50% would be silly. Worse case scenario you'll get 50%.

Is his plan to move back into the house?

could you afford to buy him out and take over the mortgage? Assuming not, then this gives you a lump sum to get your own mortgage and offers the kids some stability.

Get the place valued and then ask for your 50%.

Redecoration isn't your business and neither is his stamp duty or legal fees.

He plans to live in the house and have the children as much as they would like, up to finishing university and beyond if needed. Fixed rate is up late 2026 - I think.

And no, I can't buy him out, my earnings won't allow me to take the mortgage on.

Worth noting that 90k each if sold is best case if sold near very asking so I guess there is a risk of getting less than his offer.

@brookgreenmum has the property been valued by 3 independent agents? I'd do that first. If the figures are accurate then I'd potentially consider it.

So your choices are -you get £80-90k, but this involves selling the house, clearing it all out, the dcs having the upheaval selling and moving to two new homes.

or you get flat £80k, you don’t have to prep the house for sale, don’t have to deal with viewings etc, you move to a new property but the dcs have their current home as dads house and that stays the same.

feels like taking his offer and looking for a new place of your own is a good thing for the family.

but before you accept, get an estate agent round and get a valuation. Make sure you are right about what it would likely sell for.

Just read your update. You could pursue it, it may eat up all the 15% of your equity though and it would come at the expense of any coparenting relationship you intend to have in the future.
it would be dependent on what you agreed initially when you had the children and bought the house and what the arrangements will be in place for the kids. if you really never contributed I would take your 85% of your equity, 15000 is a lot, but don’t underestimate the stress of courts, solicitors and making your existing cordial relationship and making it an adversarial one, Sadly some solicitors use these situations as cash cows to exploit people and you could end up with a lot more costs than 15,000. Most importantly, think of the impact of fighting parents on kids, so many people have their opinions of their parents diminished seeing petty behaviour in splits, try and avoid that.

I know, there isn't much difference in selling up fully or handing him the house. And the loss of equity is substantial, probably a years rent but for the sake of time and hassle and damage to children it may be a price worth paying. He is also offering the deposit on the rental and a month's rent. I was really hoping to pause the house matters really, give us more time to live here and maybe wait till the kids were older.

As you aren’t married and are earning a decent wage, it’s unlikely you can delay the sale.

for the kids stability, if he’s suggesting 50/50 timewise, then it’s not much difference for them if they spent 50% of their time with you in that house and then 50% with dad elsewhere, compared to you being in the “elsewhere” property and dad being in the old family home.

I'm reading this back and I sound awful, I just want my kids to grow up in a stable home. He has also continued to pay the bills since leaving so worried if I push it he will make things harder and lower offers or push for courts to award him even more.

Think I need a drink!

Not awful, just not ready to face everything changing. But it’s got to change, and his proposal doesn’t sound unreasonable.

(but do get a couple of estate agents round to just check your estimated value is correct before you confirm.)

Equity (best case) the house needs TLC - 200k
Estate agent fees approx £8k
Mortgage penalty approx - £7k
Solicitors - £2k
Removals - 1k
General costs to tidy up, decorating parts of house where needed - £3k
If he is buying you out and not selling then the only costs that should be included are those you'll actually incur, not hypotheticals. Rstate agent fees won't happen, he may be able to transfer the mortgage instead of incurring early payment fees, you both pay for your own removal costs. You probably need a lawyer for the transfer of title. Unless you had a civil partnership there may be stamp duty to pay on the transfer. I wouldn't necessarily fight him bit he's not being fair including costs that he won't actually incur.
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/sdlt-transferring-ownership-of-land-or-property#:~:text=Tax%20is%20payable.-,If%20you%20transfer%20property%20because%20of%20divorce%2C%20separation%20or%20the,dissolving%20a%20civil%20partnership

So no mortgage penalty or estate agent fees then? So why take them into account? Don't.

If he plans to live there though that kind of negates your desire for the kids to stay in the same place - because they'll be able to.

Negotiate - aim for the full 100%, so £100k.

But you won't and shouldn't get any more. This is sadly the price you have paid for not getting married - and if you have a dd make sure she knows that she should only ever sacrifice her career if she gets married.

Thankyou for the advice.

And no offence, I wouldn't pass that sort of message to my daughter, I personally don't believe in marriage and neither does he, the money went to a house to ensure our stability. Sounds daft now, I know!

I understand it provides a bit more a safety net in these situations but it isn't for everyone. I don't think my career took a back seat, I could have pushed harder but prefer the relatively senior position I hold now. I don't regret my choices 😊

Definitely count your blessings and take his offer!

it’s perfectly reasonable ( and a court would rule this) to deduct notional selling fees and costs

and considering you’ve not paid any of it really you’ve done well

gea been generous continuing to lay hills and offer you money for deposit /rent and you sound like you’re taking the piss tbh.

I guess question is what will you get extra for refusing? You are entitled to 50%, so what you're getting isn't really a bad deal considering costs. But then again taking you to court to force the sale would cost a lot of money so you could try get £90K for avoiding legal route. But as I said, if you get £90K or even £100K instead of £80K is that enough to make a difference to your ability to buy or rent somewhere else?

If you put off selling for another year or so, will you be in a better position then to stay in area? If not you might just have to bite the bullet, get out and start building your life independent of him.

Thankyou for your honesty 😊

How would marriage make things different, as far as I know there is also some obligation to support a spouse financially too?

No marriage doesn't necessarily mean he would need to provide financial support for you, just maintenance for his children. You have a job earning £50k why do you need more money from him?! Spousal support is very rare and only generally for spouses who never worked and were married for a long time which doesn't describe your situation.

I would take his offer as he is still financially supporting you even though he doesn't have to and has paid the vast majority of expenses for the entire relationship and you will now benefit from that. Do the decent thing and don't fight this you won't win and will just cost yourself and him more money.

If the children will be living in the house they’re settled in at least 50% of the time, I wouldn’t get too hung up on providing a stable home for them.

At 17 and 14, maintaining 50/50 custody is unlikely tbh as really they can decide where they want to live-especially your older child who’ll legally be an adult next year.

I’d plan for the future,, I.e., find a place that will work for your needs in five years. I think a two-bed is probably the way to go.

But if he is buying you out, the estate agent fees and likely mortgage exit fee are irrelevant. I don't see it as fair to factor that in, likewise the cost of tarting it up for sale.
In reality, he wants to give you a lump sum of cash to leave and for him to retain the house.
I would get 3 reasonable valuations ( or you agree on an independent surveyor) and settle on a payment of 50% of the equity, value minus mortgage. His costs in doing it this way are his costs to bear. If it goes on the open market, you both share the costs of sale.

Marraige would make a difference because everything financial is in the pot. Often if one partner has a much larger pension for example, it's easier to negotiate about the value in the house. There also has to be a financial agreement in a divorce which would cover adequate housing.

You say equity, which is the growth in the house price

What is the house value, and what’s left on the mortgage?

We paid £280K - mortgage is now £120 -
worth £420K so our equity is £300K

I think he’s pulling the wool over your eyes somewhere your kids are nearly adults.

I can not understand why you have to take the hit on all the fees? Doesn't make sense. If you were selling these costs would be split between the two of you not just you

Get the most you can

I don’t understand where your money has gone on a 50k earning and him paying mortgage and bills ?