Page 28 | Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

brookgreenmum · 2024-11-29T18:32:15+00:00

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances. Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space. Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage. I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so. Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight! What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out. Thankyou!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/02/2025 11:45

' and most people on here are being pretty horrible.'

do you think that is because you are not hearing what you want.

The majority if not all posts have been so helpful to you, full of advice and even free legal advice

but you just won't accept it.

Zucker · 02/02/2025 12:57

Were you the driving force in your relationship OP? Did he generally agree with whatever you said and give way in arguements? Is this why your having such a hard time with him drawing the line in the sand and not backing down this time? You're not his person anymore.

There is not going to be a U.S.A. tv style court case where you win more than you are entitled to, it's just not the system. He will at the end of the day get what he is due and you will get the remainder. (i.e. what you are due)

WellyBootsandPuddleSuits · 02/02/2025 14:02

The problem is, the more you post the more it seems like this isn’t real… you have had loads of advice, and you seem to have ignored every single piece of it… your naive ‘but can he do that’, ‘he’s putting challenges in my way’, ‘people are being horrible’ isn’t doing you any favours. You need to put your big girl pants on, and that means accepting things you don’t want to hear. You were grown up enough to decide to split with your partner, now you have to deal with the consequences.

Original poster

brookgreenmum · 07/02/2025 17:47

So, I had a chat with a mediator (miam) and he basically said the chances of success in court are limited as tolata case would cost so much that all the equity will be eroded, like in the hundreds of thousands. Somehow, I don't believe this! I mean, it'd be great if it does as I doubt he would bother. Does anyone have experience please?

OP posts:

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 17:49

brookgreenmum · 07/02/2025 17:47

So, I had a chat with a mediator (miam) and he basically said the chances of success in court are limited as tolata case would cost so much that all the equity will be eroded, like in the hundreds of thousands. Somehow, I don't believe this! I mean, it'd be great if it does as I doubt he would bother. Does anyone have experience please?

How many people (professional and lay) need to keep saying accept the offer before you'll listen?

Xenia · 07/02/2025 17:52

Legal fees can be very high. Some people are able to obtain loan funding for this. However if the offer is reasonable it tends to be better to accept it. A 14 and 17 year old still need to be housed so it may be better if the two parents did not split up ideally until the 14 year old finishes university but I suppose that will not be felt possible.

WellyBootsandPuddleSuits · 07/02/2025 18:00

Why, oh why, do you ask anyone for any advice / their opinion when you don’t listen to it?!! The mediator has given you advice, they have dealt with situations similar to yours many, many times. Yet still you refuse to accept what they say. Even when it is in your favour. Honestly….

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/02/2025 18:00

So NOW mediation has told you - when are you going to believe what you have been told for what is it - two months ?

oh if only you had been married

or hadn't split up with your boyfriend before youngest child had reached the age of 18...

for goodness sake, take the offer he has made you , take it quickly before he changes his mind - or has he already ?

Zonder · 07/02/2025 18:14

Who will you believe? The person who says yes dear, of course you will be given the house and all bills will be paid for while your ex sofa surfs?

whenemmafallsinlove · 07/02/2025 18:29

Nobody has any advice for you. We are past that!

IkeaJesusChrist · 07/02/2025 18:30

So you don't believe the mediator?

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2025 18:33

Oh FFS

2024riot · 07/02/2025 18:33

This isn't real

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2025 18:34

Oh it won’t cust him anything - you will have to bring the tolata case not him! That’s costs on YOU

Unicorntearsofgin · 07/02/2025 18:41

brookgreenmum · 07/02/2025 17:47

So, I had a chat with a mediator (miam) and he basically said the chances of success in court are limited as tolata case would cost so much that all the equity will be eroded, like in the hundreds of thousands. Somehow, I don't believe this! I mean, it'd be great if it does as I doubt he would bother. Does anyone have experience please?

It will end up eating into a huge amount of the equity - not hundreds of thousands but likely 10-20k You would both lose. However if he forced this you could potentially be left with nothing. Not to mention how difficult it will be to compartment. You need to negotiate reasonably.

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 18:42

OP, isn't it the case in the UK that if you refuse a settlement, take it to court and the eventual outcome is lower than the initial settlement, you are then liable for both sides costs?

Elektra1 · 07/02/2025 20:42

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 18:42

OP, isn't it the case in the UK that if you refuse a settlement, take it to court and the eventual outcome is lower than the initial settlement, you are then liable for both sides costs?

This can be the case in civil litigation, yes. Though I'm not sure it works that way in family court. I'm a litigation lawyer (not family). I haven't caught up on all the messages since I was last here but from recent ones it seems the OP is unwilling to accept an offer and prefers to take her chances, though doesn't believe the lawyer's/mediator's advice on the costs.

Litigation is very expensive. And if you lose in something like a TOLATA claim, then on top of all your own legal costs you are likely to be ordered to pay the winner's costs, the sum to be assessed by the court if not agreed. Usually that results in the loser paying 60-70% of the winner's costs. And of course you've also lost, so you haven't got the property and now you may be bankrupted by meeting the winner's costs order against you.

I recently got divorced. We went to mediation. My ex made an offer which the mediator suggested was at the bottom end of the possible range a judge would order. As a litigation lawyer I weighted up the fact that the offer was at the bottom range of possible outcomes, so was A possible outcome. And if I continued the battle, and got that outcome, I'd have spent another £20-30k on legal costs. So maybe I could have been awarded another £30k but for what? I took the offer.

Mediation/settlement negotiations have to involve a realistic assessment of risk/reward on both sides. No one comes out of a mediation delighted, but their levels of disappointment are commensurately greater at the end of a trial/final hearing if they end up the loser.

Elektra1 · 07/02/2025 20:49

Oh and there's nothing you ca. do to stop him from severing the joint tenancy. That can be done unilaterally (and it sounds like he'd be very well advised to crack on with doing so pdq)

Quitelikeit · 07/02/2025 21:35

She does hear the the mediator but she wants to hold out that he will give in to her

People’s actions do not have to be fair

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/02/2025 22:37

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2025 18:34

Oh it won’t cust him anything - you will have to bring the tolata case not him! That’s costs on YOU

This. Do you seriously believe your ex would bear the cost?

Mumof3confused · 08/02/2025 12:13

Why is it that you don’t believe the costs will be huge? Tolata cases are known for this.

If he’s found to have made you a reasonable offer which you refused, and you get less in the court case, YOU pay ALL costs. Remember how everyone’s told you his offer is reasonable? Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Your children will suffer.

Heylittlesongbird · 08/02/2025 12:41

Actually, the more I think about it the more I think he gave you a fantastic offer and possibly better than you would have got if you had married him, although he sounds like a thoroughly decent man so who knows.

He offered you half the equity (after accounting for what fees, costs etc would be if selling) of a house he paid the deposit for and can prove that he was paying the mortgage for. He offered to help you with deposit, first months rent, and removal costs etc on top of this.

The fact that he paid for everything freed you up to contribute to your pension pot (and you state that he did not have that benefit). But he is not going after your pension or asking for it to be taken into account.

So, he basically offered you half of what was his, and let you keep what was yours that, if we were being fair, should have been taken into account.

And yet you have spent two months complaining that it's not fair and expecting him to still keep paying the bills and sofa surf indefinitely.

I genuinely cannot understand how your mindset works.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 08/02/2025 12:51

This can’t be real. Just let the man move on. You’ve already financially benefited immensely from him whilst you have left him worse off. Stop being a parasite your whole life. There is nothing to fight here. Take your victory and stop showing the man exactly why he’s better off without you.

Original poster

brookgreenmum · 08/02/2025 16:40

Elektra1 · 07/02/2025 20:42

This can be the case in civil litigation, yes. Though I'm not sure it works that way in family court. I'm a litigation lawyer (not family). I haven't caught up on all the messages since I was last here but from recent ones it seems the OP is unwilling to accept an offer and prefers to take her chances, though doesn't believe the lawyer's/mediator's advice on the costs.

Litigation is very expensive. And if you lose in something like a TOLATA claim, then on top of all your own legal costs you are likely to be ordered to pay the winner's costs, the sum to be assessed by the court if not agreed. Usually that results in the loser paying 60-70% of the winner's costs. And of course you've also lost, so you haven't got the property and now you may be bankrupted by meeting the winner's costs order against you.

I recently got divorced. We went to mediation. My ex made an offer which the mediator suggested was at the bottom end of the possible range a judge would order. As a litigation lawyer I weighted up the fact that the offer was at the bottom range of possible outcomes, so was A possible outcome. And if I continued the battle, and got that outcome, I'd have spent another £20-30k on legal costs. So maybe I could have been awarded another £30k but for what? I took the offer.

Mediation/settlement negotiations have to involve a realistic assessment of risk/reward on both sides. No one comes out of a mediation delighted, but their levels of disappointment are commensurately greater at the end of a trial/final hearing if they end up the loser.

Show quote history

Thanks for the sensible advice, this is really appreciated! In a nutshell, this the situation:

Equity approx £200k before selling costs of approx 20k (could be up to £240k if you believe the posher agent but we think that's wishful thinking)

He wants his 50% and deposit back (this is recent) after this, if 200k in the pot I would be left with about 60k.

Mediator says if I refuse he can go to court but will burn through a good part of the deposit and I'll need to stump up costs of my own defence.

However in his opinion, he did agree to joint tenants and the 50/50 stays as is, the deposit part could be ignored as again, it was his choice.

However, (drawing from your experience), I'll need to spend money to defend and so the eventual 80k-90k I may get may closer to 65-75k or potentially less if I need to pay costs.

OP posts:

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/02/2025 16:53

OP, you aren't even factoring in the benefit you've received of free housing all these years.

The bottom line is that one way or the other you are never going to get more than £60k out of this. And his offers are likely to dwindle the more you drag it out.

You have a good income; why not take his very fair offer and focus on the future. There are no viable scenarios in which you get to live in that house for four more years.