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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

803 replies

brookgreenmum · 29/11/2024 18:32

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 02/01/2025 14:51

Work out what the absolute most you could raise through a mortgage is and offer him that plus x amount more when your youngest turns 18 - would that be viable?

OrlandoFurious · 02/01/2025 14:58

Haven’t rtft, apologies. His offer is very reasonable and I wonder whether your friends advising you to fight it know what they are talking about- sometimes people. Say things like this because they think it’s being on your side in some non specific way, when in fact it’s bad advice.

Would you be able to do the following- invest the equity money, then find somewhere suitable for you and the kids to rent. Once the kids leave home, the investment can then form the deposit on a one bed flat for you?

Tillow4ever · 02/01/2025 16:39

OrlandoFurious · 02/01/2025 14:58

Haven’t rtft, apologies. His offer is very reasonable and I wonder whether your friends advising you to fight it know what they are talking about- sometimes people. Say things like this because they think it’s being on your side in some non specific way, when in fact it’s bad advice.

Would you be able to do the following- invest the equity money, then find somewhere suitable for you and the kids to rent. Once the kids leave home, the investment can then form the deposit on a one bed flat for you?

Given this thread is several months old, it would have been useful to at the very least have read the OP's posts.

I suspect her friends are advising this way because it's 85% of her 50% share - not 85% of the equity.

However, I think she should snap his hand off with all of the updates I have read. Sadly the OP is purely focusing on the very, very rare poster who gives a snippet of hope at her getting to not only keep the house, but also not pay for it all herself!

MrsSchrute · 02/01/2025 17:35

I would say that the option that would cause the least upheaval for the children would be for you to take your ex's offer, rent a small flat nearby, and let the kids stay with their Dad.
If you're nearby then they can come and go between both, especially at their ages.
Then, in a few years once the youngest has finished school, move up near your parents and buy somewhere.

OrlandoFurious · 02/01/2025 18:01

Tillow4ever · 02/01/2025 16:39

Given this thread is several months old, it would have been useful to at the very least have read the OP's posts.

I suspect her friends are advising this way because it's 85% of her 50% share - not 85% of the equity.

However, I think she should snap his hand off with all of the updates I have read. Sadly the OP is purely focusing on the very, very rare poster who gives a snippet of hope at her getting to not only keep the house, but also not pay for it all herself!

Show quote history

I have read the OP's posts and am well aware that it's 85% of 50%, although I missed that this was an old thread as it has been very active over the last few days. My point is that I think friends sometimes encourage unrealistic plans because it feels more supportive to do so, whereas in fact it can be the opposite if it encourages someone to take silly risks as OP appears keen to do.

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 02/01/2025 22:33

Thanks everyone.

In terms of buying out, it is zero. I would not obtained the required mortgage even though my wages would just about cover the fixed expenses and I could feed us and fuel the car. There would be little in the way of contingency so a large bill would hurt. I could probably cope if I was allowed to live there and then take the equity in 5 years but budgeting carefully and cutting my pension contributions. Even then, he'd need to help pay for large maintenance jobs. I'm unsure what quality of life this would give my children too.

I could move and get a similar job elsewhere quite easily but I don't want to take my kids out of school as it'd hurt them academically. My ex is agreement here and of course would hate it if we moved.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 02/01/2025 22:46

You need to sell the house and split the equity 50:50 or take his offer of buying you out. Ffs

this has got to be a wind up. No one is this dim

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 02/01/2025 22:55

Not sure why I'm being called dim. I've just said I can't mortgage the house on my own.

OP posts:
IkeaJesusChrist · 02/01/2025 22:58

brookgreenmum · 02/01/2025 22:55

Not sure why I'm being called dim. I've just said I can't mortgage the house on my own.

Because you can't pay for everything by yourself, you can't even afford legal advice yet you have some deluded notion that you'll be given a house?

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 03/01/2025 07:24

Mediation has been suggested by him, this way I can air my concerns.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 03/01/2025 07:44

Dim because you won’t accept what you want is outrageous and unfair despite everyone telling you so

you are absolutely taking the utter piss out of your ex ( poor sod)

everyone is telling you this.

yes you choose to STILL believe you are entitled remain in the house with him paying half . Utterly ridiculous and completely unfair.

You wanted out of tbe relationship. The consequences of which are you will need to sell the house and split equity 50:50 after fees are paid, or he will buy you out. Thats reality.

you earn well. You’ve laid a lot into pension while not contributing to housing costs. You didn’t pay deposit. Yet you still believe your ex is shafting you. No. It’s the other way round,

so yes, dim

IkeaJesusChrist · 03/01/2025 08:09

brookgreenmum · 03/01/2025 07:24

Mediation has been suggested by him, this way I can air my concerns.

Concerns that are consequences of your actions.

orangebread · 03/01/2025 09:21

Maybe I've misunderstood OP but both the house and equity are 50% yours. You should get the house valued and split equally (not just split the equity). Your partner may have paid the mortgage etc but you 'paid' in other ways - time, energy, career opportunities. You each deserve a decent shot at what comes next.

2024riot · 03/01/2025 09:27

orangebread · 03/01/2025 09:21

Maybe I've misunderstood OP but both the house and equity are 50% yours. You should get the house valued and split equally (not just split the equity). Your partner may have paid the mortgage etc but you 'paid' in other ways - time, energy, career opportunities. You each deserve a decent shot at what comes next.

Well it also belongs to the bank as well so she hasn't got the right to that part ?

Unicorntearsofgin · 03/01/2025 09:28

You do realise OP there is a cost to mediation and he would be quite within his rights to use it of evidence of you being unreasonable.

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 03/01/2025 17:47

Unicorntearsofgin · 03/01/2025 09:28

You do realise OP there is a cost to mediation and he would be quite within his rights to use it of evidence of you being unreasonable.

Yes, he is offering to pay for it to move forwards. I will contribute some to show commitment to the process if we go ahead.

OP posts:
Original poster
brookgreenmum · 03/01/2025 17:53

millymollymoomoo · 03/01/2025 07:44

Dim because you won’t accept what you want is outrageous and unfair despite everyone telling you so

you are absolutely taking the utter piss out of your ex ( poor sod)

everyone is telling you this.

yes you choose to STILL believe you are entitled remain in the house with him paying half . Utterly ridiculous and completely unfair.

You wanted out of tbe relationship. The consequences of which are you will need to sell the house and split equity 50:50 after fees are paid, or he will buy you out. Thats reality.

you earn well. You’ve laid a lot into pension while not contributing to housing costs. You didn’t pay deposit. Yet you still believe your ex is shafting you. No. It’s the other way round,

so yes, dim

Sorry, it's not about being dim or anything. Everyone seems to have the same view which is hard to accept.

I'm not arguing, but as a subject, I just find it hard to believe that there are no circumstances in which this would be possible? Surely in cases of where kids have special needs, specific educational requirements, the resident partner is disabled or where there is abuse this must make a difference? In such cases it would be a tragedy that they weren't looked after if unmarried and decided to do the same as me?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/01/2025 17:55

but you haven't said that you are in any of these situations !

the main point which you don't seem to understand nor accept is that you didn't get married !!!

IkeaJesusChrist · 03/01/2025 18:22

brookgreenmum · 03/01/2025 17:53

Sorry, it's not about being dim or anything. Everyone seems to have the same view which is hard to accept.

I'm not arguing, but as a subject, I just find it hard to believe that there are no circumstances in which this would be possible? Surely in cases of where kids have special needs, specific educational requirements, the resident partner is disabled or where there is abuse this must make a difference? In such cases it would be a tragedy that they weren't looked after if unmarried and decided to do the same as me?

Show quote history

But none of those examples reflect your circumstances?

Unless you're going to say that your ex partner used to beat you or something?

Are you getting ideas from a women's support group that you mentioned previously?

whenemmafallsinlove · 03/01/2025 18:29

orangebread · 03/01/2025 09:21

Maybe I've misunderstood OP but both the house and equity are 50% yours. You should get the house valued and split equally (not just split the equity). Your partner may have paid the mortgage etc but you 'paid' in other ways - time, energy, career opportunities. You each deserve a decent shot at what comes next.

If she was married yes. There her contribution would be valued. She isn't. As has been pointed out he could reasonably ask for a bigger share given he's put all the money in.

millymollymoomoo · 03/01/2025 18:29

You’re trying to change the narrative ti get sympathy

you jeft because you were bored
you thought your life could just continue as is with him leaving, you staying and him continue to fund you all while you earn well, pay into a pension at his expense and befitting from equity you neither paid deposit on nor much if anything towards mortgage and bills, instead topping up your pension.

your career hasn’t suffered.

he’s offering you what you’re legally entitled to - 50% equity less fees. But you think he owes you more. He does not. And you’re determined to drag it out, waste thousands, stall, cause animosity because you won’t allow him to the his rightful share and move on,

it’s pretty disgusting actually

CharSiu · 03/01/2025 18:41

This is a divorce solicitor but my mate who I saw over Christmas just paid £850 for 2 hours advice and a document to be drawn up. She is paying £250 per hour for legal advice.

If you try to fight this, say goodbye to possibly thousands.

MrsSchrute · 03/01/2025 18:46

I do feel for you op, you took an action without fully understanding what the consequences would be, and I'm sure the reality of your situation is a bitter pill to swallow.

Would you consider moving out and leaving the children in the house with their Dad? That way you can still see them regularly, they can stay at their school and not have to be uprooted.

Silvertulips · 03/01/2025 18:50

I do think you are clutching at straws.

Your relationship is over, he doesn’t have to give you anything.

To be honest you earn £50,000 and not contributed, where exactly has your money been going?

You could’ve brought a property 20 years ago and protected yourself against this happening .

Zonder · 03/01/2025 18:51

MrsSchrute · 03/01/2025 18:46

I do feel for you op, you took an action without fully understanding what the consequences would be, and I'm sure the reality of your situation is a bitter pill to swallow.

Would you consider moving out and leaving the children in the house with their Dad? That way you can still see them regularly, they can stay at their school and not have to be uprooted.

This. Then they get the stability of their own home and a parent - and we already know he's been a very hands on parent.