Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

It’s quite funny. You think you’re a modern independent woman - yet expect a man you dumped to pay to keep you in a house and pay for everything while not living there himself all while earning good money yourself and stuffing money into your own pension at his expense. You haven’t sacrificed stuff for him - you’ve benefited financially as a result of being with him !

hes made you a fair and decent offer based on what you are legally due ( 50% of house less selling costs ). You need to start paying the mortgage and bills while you live there and accept his offer

It seems like you still get on well with your ex and have a good relationship. I think his offer is fair and if you really don't want a future together then you should take it.
However, the issues you listed with him are ones that I think could be resolved by talking and counselling. You only have 4 years until your youngest is 18. Is it not worth pursuing counselling and seeing if you can make it work and keep the family together?

hopefully ops ex would see through any attempt at reconciliation because let’s face it op would only be doing it for the money and would screw him over in 4 years time

The comedy gold comment was unnecessary and I apologise, I did have an awful day with the children and work so perhaps coming on here last night wasn't the best move.

Saying that, I do feel like there is a bit of a "pile on" here. I just asked for some advice and have been repeatedly criticised for not being married.

We are not, full stop and there isn't anything I can do. My query was innocently phrased and I have bit my tongue enough times on here over the last week.

I do feel for you OP - you might not think that's genuine, but I do, honestly. You're feeling bruised and probably a bit frightened, which is understandable.

There's no criticism for not being married - it's a valid choice like any other. But like any choice, it comes with pros and cons. I think any criticism is more likely to be around having made assumptions - but none of us knows everything and it's easy to have 20/20 hindsight.

Marriage has risks attached to it, particularly if you are the higher earner or have more financial resources. I'm the higher earner in my marriage, and am under no illusions that if H and I were to divorce, he would end up with a greater share of our marital assets, including my pension.

Likewise, as you are finding out, not being married - especially if you are a woman with children who has taken the 'motherhood penalty' to your career and earnings - is risky, because it leaves you with little financial protection in the event of a split.

Go and pay for an hour or two of legal advice and see what your position is. It's worth the investment because it will set your mind at rest because the advice you receive will be specific to your situation, and then you will know exactly where you stand. I would be surprised if there's any feasible route for a TOLATA claim, but stranger things have happened. A good solicitor will tell you your prospects of success (i.e. whether it's worth pursuing given the legal costs etc).

Whilst you're doing this, you should also speak to your Ex and ask him for his best possible offer, given the fact you won't be able to afford to buy again and you need to house the kids etc. The most practical way forward here is to try and avoid a legal fight (which I suspect you would be unlikely to win and which would drain your finances), and instead to see if your Ex would agree to take on more of the costs and still fund movers etc.

This is wise. "Boring" and "doesn't like to party" seem like petty reasons to blow up your entire financial future.

If he'll have you back, it would at least get the kids launched and give you time to increase your income & savings.

The dating scene at your age is pretty grim.

If you want to leave a relationship, leave the relationship. That is a basic human right and in this country there is currently a no blame freedom to do that. If you don’t want to be with him you can leave.

If you don’t want to be married or dislike the institution of marriage, don’t get married. People choose not to get married and in doing so deal with the consequences. That means being reliant on your own wealth and income in the event you split up.

where some people are taking issue with you is that you want part of the benefits of being married whilst not actually being married now that you are splitting up. And you are selective in what that means. In effect he shares but you don’t.

As many people have told you there is a route for people who are not married to stay on in the family home. But unless he agrees to that arrangement you will have to litigate. Based on what you have said about your income and the equity you will receive, most people here think it unlikely a court would approve this request.

His offer provides you with your share of the equity and helps you secure a new home where you can be a family with your children. It allows him to stay in the family home and offer the children a home there as well. They are not in danger of being homeless and they don’t have to leave school or have their education disrupted.

This is entirely about you not wanting to rent for a few years. A situation that you brought on yourself by the decisions you made for yourself. To not be married, to have children, to give up work and not to leave your partner.

Even if you were married you probably wouldn’t succeed in getting a mesher order to let you stay on.

You can’t stay with a partner you don’t want a relationship with. But you can ensure you don’t inflict unnecessary disruption to your children which a legal battle will cause.

And yes it is entirely possible for some women to be totally financially independent. To have a high income and personal wealth to the extent we / they don’t need financial support in whatever relationship we choose. IME those women, and I am one of them, didn’t give up their career married or not married.

Given you have a larger pension and a substantial income I doubt you would have gotten a better settlement if you were married.

The only thing that is comedy gold OP is your situation, a situation that you've brought on yourself and you expect your ex to help you as though you were married, you will not be allowed to stay in the house or be given more money - if you were married, that may not have been the case.

I had some sympathy for your situation, that has now evaporated. Good luck.

You haven’t been criticised for not being married

yiu are being criticised for expecting him to move out, leave you in the house and continue to pay the mortgage and bills while you earn z50k plus and pay well into your pension. You don’t seem to realise you’ve benefitted from this arrangement financially . You don’t appear to accept that he’s offered you a reasonable fair deal based on your 50% of house ownership and seem to expect much more/ which you’re not legally entitled to ( marriage or no marriage )

OP the issue is you're acting entitled. You didn't marry so you don't have the same rights - and even if you did marry you likely wouldn't have gotten what you wanted anyway.

Look, you were treated equally throughout relationship - equal shares in house irregardless of what you contributed. He was building a future with you. You shared everything.

You've now decided he's boring and dumped him. And now you expect him to continue subsidising you to live in the house alone with the kids for a few years? His obligation towards you ended when you broke up with him. He only has obligations to the kids.

If he can afford a house big enough to have the kids then he can keep the kids more while you rent/buy a 1 bed party pad and sleep in the living room while kids have bedroom when they stay over. Or a 2 bed and the kids share etc. At the end of the day you're going to have to cut your cloth according to what you now have. What he offered is likely a very good deal. If the kids don't like their new lifestyle and want to stay with dad then that's that.

Well said @SaveMeFromMyBoobs and @millymollymoomoo

Most of us can only dream of this level of a financial boost, especially from someone for whom we evidently have nothing but contempt.

Cut your cloth going forward.

Thanks for the input all. It's a scary world out there, I met up with a large local group of single mothers for support and was quite shocked. There were a couple of ladies who spoke about applying for orders stopping partners from entering the house or contacting us by claiming abusive behaviour. This shocked me but I'm assuming it does give them a financial advantage and they are not just crazy and making life hell for their ex's. Don't think I'll be going back there...

Non-molestation orders and occupation orders have a high bar (rightly so) - they'd have to produce substantial evidence of abusive behaviour.

Keep looking for support - you just need to find your tribe. And focus on you and your plans.

I think the reason you are getting a bit of a pile on is you want the legal benefits of being married. But don’t believe in being married.

like you thought marriage was just about romance and a big party and are shocked to find its not, and seem dismissive that other women thought about it first.

I also wouldn’t have dcs with a man who wouldn’t marry me first. But then I understood the legal implications of marriage.

you questioned if we’d really turn our backs on otherwise perfect loving relationships if marriage wasn’t on offer, but I’d question why a man wouldn’t marry if he really thought he’d spend the rest of his life with that woman. Why he wouldn’t want to be legally tied to her. It feels like a clear sign it’s not actually a loving relationship.

But aside from that, hope things are settling down for you. Have you agreed to move out and him buy you out?

No, we've downed tools for Xmas, will see what happens after that.

’we’ll see after that’…… still not accepting you have a good deal then

Oh for crying out loud! He's been single since the summer, somebody is going to snog him at the work Christmas do for sure and your deal will just get worse from now on. You really are deluded OP. You still don't accept your position is mostly as a result of not getting married do you?

I wish people would stop critising me for not getting married. It's done, nothing I can do but thanks for voicing opinions.

As for waiting, we've just thought it'd be easier to press pause and wait for Xmas to blow over,. that's all.

And the thing about snogging someone at an Xmas party, he really isn't like that. Quite introverted, shy and a gentleman.

I wasn't criticising you for not getting married. I was criticising you for not accepting that your current situation is as a result of not getting married.

Just because you don't want him anymore doesn't mean somebody else won't, he appears to have no major red flags and he earns well. He's going to find somebody else. It's just what happens.

Oh op come on this is ridiculous you have been refusing to reach an agreement with your ex that has resulted in him paying your mortgage and bills for a year

You seem to think he should consider subsidising your life until your children go to university

If it goes to court - I think he should do this then you might be in for a shock. The judge is not going to re-write the law for you.

Is it not 85% of her 50%

Though we've agreed to pause over Xmas there has been some discussion.

He is still looking to sell up or buy out. I've been looking into Schedule 1 of the Childrens act which may allow the deferred sale of the house till the kids are 18? He could probably afford this as he has reasonable savings and a good salary, of course I understand I may need to pay some of the mortgage.

Does anyone know about claiming for this or had experience please?

Thanks!

Why do you need to do that? I think I'd rather draw a line now and have it all sorted.

Your children are nearly adults, not toddlers.