Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

803 replies

brookgreenmum · 29/11/2024 18:32

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/12/2024 13:10

When you became a parent you took on a responsibility to your children. To do your best for them. There is no benefit to them in what you are doing. They will have a place in the family home with their father. There is no benefit to them from the legal battle. The financial benefit to you is incredibly unlikely and low.

It’s 2024, and you are a functioning adult. It has been commonplace for relationships to break down for decades now and all adults need to be prepared for that. It’s one of the reasons why woman who want children get married. You decided not to get married. You choose to give up your career progression. Your ex choose to financially support you rather than pay into a pension. You are now apart and must live with the consequences of those decisions. You should shield your children from the impact.

Children can deal with their parents splitting. They can’t deal with their parents fighting, whether together or apart. What you are proposing is a legal battle to achieve something that doesn’t make any difference to them.

You have a lump sum offer that is decent and you won’t get anything that is materially better. Use it to leave and establish a new home where you can live with them.

Remember you keep 100% of your pension because you are not married. Which would be shared 50:50 in most divorces.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/12/2024 14:58

I think breaking up the kids' home because you find their father boring is pretty grim.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 07/12/2024 15:16

Oh OP - I hadn’t read your others threads so didn’t know the background, I wish you’d got some legal advice before ending the relationship and realised how little you’d get as you aren’t married.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 07/12/2024 18:50

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 07/12/2024 15:16

Oh OP - I hadn’t read your others threads so didn’t know the background, I wish you’d got some legal advice before ending the relationship and realised how little you’d get as you aren’t married.

You shouldn't need legal advice to know that if you haven't entered into a marriage contract, you don't obtain the rights (and liabilities) that a marriage contract bestows. This isn't obscure legal knowledge.

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 19:11

I'm sure there are plenty of unmarried mothers on MN. Like I said, we were young and in love and had children, lived our lives. Not everyone thinks in the same way and worries about protecting themselves.

I'm guessing those who are very pro marriage would refuse to go any further in a relationship with someone they thought was perfect and in love with if the man didn't want to marry?

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 09/12/2024 19:19

I'm guessing those who are very pro marriage would refuse to go any further in a relationship with someone they thought was perfect and in love with if the man didn't want to marry?

Yep.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/12/2024 19:24

It's not "pro marriage" it's pragmatic. Life isn't a fairy tale where we weave flowers in our hair and have our man's babies and all is rainbows and sunshine.

Shit happens and it's best to have maximum safety net.

Hurdlin · 09/12/2024 19:42

brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 19:11

I'm sure there are plenty of unmarried mothers on MN. Like I said, we were young and in love and had children, lived our lives. Not everyone thinks in the same way and worries about protecting themselves.

I'm guessing those who are very pro marriage would refuse to go any further in a relationship with someone they thought was perfect and in love with if the man didn't want to marry?

Yes exactly.

I would never compromise my career, finances and pension to raise a man's children unless we were married. If he refused to marry I wouldn't continue the relationship.

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 19:45

Interesting views I must say.

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 09/12/2024 19:46

brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 19:45

Interesting views I must say.

In what way?

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 19:53

As in, in my circle of friends, colleagues etc there are a mix of married and unmarried couples. I've never heard anyone state they would only have children within marriage. A couple of my close friends did debate going ahead with the big day, but it was more around cost, hassle and the lure of paying a large chunk of the mortgage instead. And and before anyone says, these are educated, professional women.

OP posts:
SalsaLights · 09/12/2024 19:59

brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 19:53

As in, in my circle of friends, colleagues etc there are a mix of married and unmarried couples. I've never heard anyone state they would only have children within marriage. A couple of my close friends did debate going ahead with the big day, but it was more around cost, hassle and the lure of paying a large chunk of the mortgage instead. And and before anyone says, these are educated, professional women.

Educated and professional does not equate to well informed though, does it?

It's all very well playing the cool girl "marriage is old fashioned and it's just a piece of paper", but as you're now finding out, there is a bit more to it than that.

And as for "interesting views" - what about your own? You're the one bemoaning the fact that you have very little legal recourse now that you've decided your Ex is a boring man that you don't want to be with anymore...whilst expecting him to still pay the mortgage on the house he no longer lives in.

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 20:02

Not sure why people are taking it personally. Stating I don't believe in it wasn't an attack on those who are.

OP posts:
SalsaLights · 09/12/2024 20:09

It doesn't come across to me as a personal attack at all.

Initially it read as a bit naive, but then in your latest post - where you talk about "interesting views" - it came across as a bit patronising. As if people who get married are a bit suburban and parochial, because if their relationships were a genuine meeting of minds blah blah blah, then they wouldn't need this bit of paper etc etc etc.

Perhaps that's not what you intended, but it's how it came across. Either way it reads as really ironic given your situation - because if you were married, you'd be far more protected than you are now.

Going back to your original question, your best bet would be to try and appeal to your Ex to give you the full 50% equity share and cover the costs of the sale of the house, given that he's in a better financial position.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2024 20:18

Being unmarried is fine if you have equal salaries, nobody goes part time to look after kids, everything is split equally, nobodies career suffers and you’re both able to save/pay pension for retirement. The problem really comes when you have children and are not married because then you have the woman who’s career suffers with maternity leave, potentially returning part time, unable to put the hours in or go for promotions due to needing to be available for nursery pick up and drop off, kids inset snd illness days mean you’re not the most reliable employee so you’re not top of the list for opportunities, the woman is stuck at a lower salary not going anywhere while the man’s gets higher and higher means meaning he gets to save, pay lots into his pension for retirement etc.

10 years down the line when the relationship breaks down, as you are learning yourself now first hand, a married woman gets to bargain for a bigger % of the house, a % of his pension, a % of his personal savings account that he’s been able to build up with his high salary, or she can bargain with the savings and pension to keep the house instead, she is financially protected. Meanwhile the unmarried woman like yourself gets her 50% of the house, and child maintenance.

Honestly any women who read MN and still choose to have kids before getting married baffle me, seeing on here how easily and unexpectedly everything can go wrong I don’t know why people risk it. A man who wants children with you for the right reasons and good intentions would have no concerns about marriage, it can be done cheaply at the registry office, to give you that legal protection JUST INCASE it all goes wrong. I was always clear with my husband that I wouldn’t be giving him a baby until he gave me his last name, I wish more women were aware of just how important it is, hopefully some have learned from this thread

titchy · 09/12/2024 20:41

A marriage as I said earlier isn't something you believe or don't believe in. It's a legal contract. That's all. Unless you're one of those odd Freeman of the Land types who don't believe in any English laws, marriage is not something to be disbelieved, anymore than an employment contract is something to be disbelieved.

Don't confuse marriage with wedding - they are two entirely different things.

Original poster
brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 21:56

Thanks for sharing your perspective. It seems there's been some misunderstanding of my intentions. My comments were never meant to come across as patronising or dismissive of marriage, everyone’s choices are their own, and I respect that.

As for the irony you pointed out, I see where you're coming from, but I'd like to clarify that my thoughts on marriage as a concept are separate from my current circumstances. I’m queried what’s fair and practical in my specific situation rather than engaging in a broader commentary.

Reading responses is challenging enough without assumptions clouding the discussion or you projecting your own insecurities (suburban and parochial?) so I hope we can keep things focused and constructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 21:59

Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2024 20:18

Being unmarried is fine if you have equal salaries, nobody goes part time to look after kids, everything is split equally, nobodies career suffers and you’re both able to save/pay pension for retirement. The problem really comes when you have children and are not married because then you have the woman who’s career suffers with maternity leave, potentially returning part time, unable to put the hours in or go for promotions due to needing to be available for nursery pick up and drop off, kids inset snd illness days mean you’re not the most reliable employee so you’re not top of the list for opportunities, the woman is stuck at a lower salary not going anywhere while the man’s gets higher and higher means meaning he gets to save, pay lots into his pension for retirement etc.

10 years down the line when the relationship breaks down, as you are learning yourself now first hand, a married woman gets to bargain for a bigger % of the house, a % of his pension, a % of his personal savings account that he’s been able to build up with his high salary, or she can bargain with the savings and pension to keep the house instead, she is financially protected. Meanwhile the unmarried woman like yourself gets her 50% of the house, and child maintenance.

Honestly any women who read MN and still choose to have kids before getting married baffle me, seeing on here how easily and unexpectedly everything can go wrong I don’t know why people risk it. A man who wants children with you for the right reasons and good intentions would have no concerns about marriage, it can be done cheaply at the registry office, to give you that legal protection JUST INCASE it all goes wrong. I was always clear with my husband that I wouldn’t be giving him a baby until he gave me his last name, I wish more women were aware of just how important it is, hopefully some have learned from this thread

"I was always clear with my husband that I wouldn’t be giving him a baby until he gave me his last name,"

This is actual comedy gold. The 1950's is calling.

OP posts:
2024riot · 10/12/2024 03:55

But it really isn't comedy gold is it?for women who get screwed over

Mrsttcno1 · 10/12/2024 05:48

brookgreenmum · 09/12/2024 21:59

"I was always clear with my husband that I wouldn’t be giving him a baby until he gave me his last name,"

This is actual comedy gold. The 1950's is calling.

Edited
Show quote history

And yet myself and all the women who did protect themselves are walking away with a minimum of 50% of the house, pension, savingz etc, meanwhile you’re left with your % of the house and nothing at all to show for the sacrificed you say you’ve made.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/12/2024 05:52

“This is actual comedy gold. The 1950's is calling.”

says the women who expects her partner or ex partner to find her lifestyle after separation and has never paid a mortgage or bill during the relationship… that’s the comedy

You had some sympathy from me and others personally now gone …. And you are about to learn what living within your means feels like…. Comedy gold

Mrsttcno1 · 10/12/2024 05:58

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/12/2024 05:52

“This is actual comedy gold. The 1950's is calling.”

says the women who expects her partner or ex partner to find her lifestyle after separation and has never paid a mortgage or bill during the relationship… that’s the comedy

You had some sympathy from me and others personally now gone …. And you are about to learn what living within your means feels like…. Comedy gold

Exactly.

izzygirlis4 · 10/12/2024 06:35

Ignore everyone criticising what you paid for during your relationship that was a decision you two made at the time. It was right for you and none of anyone else's business.

You are not married so the equity would be split 50/50 however you could make an application to the court under schedule 1 of children act proceedings which would allow you to remain in the property until youngest is 18. The housing needs of dependents are the priority to the court.
But I dare say there needs to be some re jigging of contributions going forward.

I highly recommend mediation to talk about these options before battling in court.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/12/2024 06:47

izzygirlis4 · 10/12/2024 06:35

Ignore everyone criticising what you paid for during your relationship that was a decision you two made at the time. It was right for you and none of anyone else's business.

You are not married so the equity would be split 50/50 however you could make an application to the court under schedule 1 of children act proceedings which would allow you to remain in the property until youngest is 18. The housing needs of dependents are the priority to the court.
But I dare say there needs to be some re jigging of contributions going forward.

I highly recommend mediation to talk about these options before battling in court.

No court is going to grant anything even remotely like that under sch 1 here, that is only really used by the courts whereby without that order the children could not be adequately housed by both parents. OP is not in that situation, she’s on 50k a year and walking away with a good chunk of equity.

SalsaLights · 10/12/2024 07:19

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/12/2024 05:52

“This is actual comedy gold. The 1950's is calling.”

says the women who expects her partner or ex partner to find her lifestyle after separation and has never paid a mortgage or bill during the relationship… that’s the comedy

You had some sympathy from me and others personally now gone …. And you are about to learn what living within your means feels like…. Comedy gold

Agree.

OP, it's such a shame. I read your update and was almost there (overlooking the little dig about insecurities) but you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

Good luck. I mean that most sincerely, as you are going to need it.