Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

I'm not sure if counselling would make him more open to visitors or party more. Or make him less financially focused.

I know he still really loves me hence his actions but he's the type that once you've hurt he will find it hard to forgive.

From a legal standpoint, it's a jointly owned house. She's not a lodger. She's said several times that she owns half. Whether anyone thinks that's fair, or not, that's the situation.

I'm not sure why people keep saying she has fewer rights than a lodger to a house she co-owns.

Where children are small, one party has little mortgage capacity, equity is limited and house prices are high, Mesher orders are more likely. A Mesher order can only be issued after divorce proceedings, therefore, it is not an option available to unmarried parents.9 Apr 2024

You are blowing up your domestic and financial life because he won't have visitors and party more?

Could counselling make you more open to time as a family and less partying? Or make you more financially focused?

Would you want to stay together? Or is this a done deal?

Wait, you disdain the notion of setting up your offspring for financial security but expected him to basically forfeit anything and everything to ensure you didn't suffer financially?

Dumping your offspring's loving and generous father because he's not exciting enough?

Fuck me, I've read it all now.

You can refuse to do it the easy way, but if you put it on the market, he can just buy it. There is nothing you can do to stop that. You seem to think you have a lot more power than him in this entire situation, by virtue of you having a vagina. You don't. You are equals in this situation.

If you're simply changing your lifestyle with minimal impact on dcs take the offer and get yourself a place with space for dcs. Take it from there. I think it's a good offer but you really should buy something rather than renting.

Fuck me, just lay off the OP. It’s getting to be too much now. You’ve had your fun now head back to AIBU if you’re looking for a pile on.

Op

you are really taking advantage of this guy -

the fact is you and you alone are now about 7/8k a month worse off - yet you are trying so hard to look the other way!

cant you buy a flat or a smaller place?

essentially you cannot bear to give up the house

with your 50k income, your child benefit, council tax discount and you free mortgage and utilities you have been lapping things up!

interesting how you say he should let you live in the house till the kids go to uni yet you couldn’t be bothered to hang on in the relationship until the kids went to uni

interesting how he didn’t marry you!

I'm with your mum.

Opposites attract. Every couple I know has one introvert and one extravert off the top of my head.

I think the relationship maybe seems a lot more tolerable now she's clicked what separating means.
Ending a 20 year relationship because you're basically bored is not the smartest move.
If you want to start rebuilding his trust in you will need to work hard OP but better move fast. This sounds like a nice man who earns well. He's not going to be a free agent very long.

This.

A generous high earner however "boring" is a lot more marketable on the dating scene than an aging party girl who expects to be subsidized. Might want to rethink.

You really cannot stop sniping at the OP can you. Any excuse to stick the boot in. What the actual fuck is wrong with you? One too many G&T’s this evening?

Wouldn't go as far as boring. I kind of looked at what we might do as we get older and the children disappeared and he just didn't fit it. He liked us spending time together, l prefer my own thing. I realised perhaps I'm just better off single. He is/was heartbroken, not the type to jump back into dating, quite shy but I imagine he might have a few women circling him in the not to distant future.

Does this make me sound cold and ungrateful? I don't know anymore.

This reads as a reverse. Devoid of emotion, practical language yet describes someone as having a very shallow understanding of life.

If he's paid the full deposit and mortgage I think it's a generous offer to you. I'd accept the £85k and use it as a deposit on another house that you will own.

It doesn't sound cold and ungrateful - but it does sound like you've been impulsive and haven't thought through the realities of what you're doing.

In blunt terms I agree with @BettyBardMacDonald - you're blowing up your domestic and financial life because he won't have visitors and party more. Are you really sure this is what you want?

It's absolutely fine to look at a relationship and say it doesn't make me happy any more. But if there's nothing fundamentally wrong with it - and separating is going to leave you all worse off - then surely it's sensible to try and explore repairing it first? You clearly found him attractive enough to have a LTR and kids.

Being blunt again:

1. You can live alone with your children, but you are going to have to substantially downsize your standard of living. You may end up with the insecurity of renting rather than ownership.
2. You cannot expect him to fund your life anymore because you are no longer his problem. You aren't married, so he owes you nothing except 50% of the house and CMS. At best you'll get CMS for another two years for your eldest, and for another six years for your youngest, assuming they both go on to further education - after that, zilch. However...
3. If you end up somewhere smaller and less nice, how do you know the kids won't want to stay with him? You could potentially end up with no CMS or having to pay him.
4. He sounds like a decent bloke. How are you going to feel in two years time if all you've done is met players and time wasters? If your Ex is a nice bloke he won't be single for long. Are you going to be happy for him that he's in a good relationship when you've just been ghosted for the Nth time on Tinder? Or are you going to think that you made a silly mistake and threw away a good relationship with a decent bloke?

It sounds like you have rushed into this without thinking though what it means, and you've done it assuming that you'd be entitled to the house without actually checking whether your assumption was correct. Think very carefully about what you are doing. However if you do decide to try and repair your relationship, you need to be genuinely committed to doing so, as otherwise it would be dreadfully unfair to your Ex. I'm sorry this is going to sound nasty, but it sounds like he really does deserve better than this.

I really don't want to stick the oar in but it does make you seem a bit cold and ungrateful. He has loved and provided for you and the children because he is the kind of man who does that. He's not the kind of man to go running off partying and leaving his responsibilities.

I really hope he finds someone who appreciates him for who he is.

Please don't expect him to continue funding you. Especially if the children end up choosing to live with him.

I think it would be a big mistake to rent. Can you not afford to buy a house?

If op now realises that her cash cow will be gone, I really hope she doesn't backtrack and try and reconcil....

I actually think the op has had plenty visitors!!! And that is why she gave up on her relationship and does not want to go back there (affair?!)

Problem is she is quite poor and thinks that her ex should pay 50pc of the mortgage for the next ten years!!

I hope he has found a back bone - maybe move back in!

or at least only transfer his part of the mortgage

Well the consequences of her actions will be happening regardless.

I can't believe that someone is this impulsive and naive.

OP, I’m sorry to say it but I also agree with your mum and some of the PP who think you’re letting a good man go.

But only you’ve lived the relationship and as the MN saying goes, you can separate for any reason or no reason at all.

I’m assuming OP is using the “party” example to represent a more general “we have grown apart in our characters”