Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

It's a declining market so I would be cautious about agreeing a deal on the basis of what any estate agent says is the "value". I'm divorced now and we did our financial deal on the basis of what 5 x estate agents said our house was worth 9 months ago. It hasn't sold and it now looks like if/when it does, it will be for £250k+ less than what all these sets of agents said it was "worth".

It's only worth what a buyer will pay. And it's a buyer's market.

You certainly won't be keeping the house until the kids leave school unless he agrees to that. Making a major life decision on the basis of commentary on law firms' websites which does not relate to your specific circumstances is a foolish thing to do.

The more the OP writes the more I think this is a reverse or a wind up

This is another reason for the OP to accept the offer. It takes the uncertainty of selling in the open market out of the equation and minimises disruption.

this is in relation to Elektra1’s post

Apologies, but what's a reverse in this context?

Some of the comments are quite hurtful. In relation to me not contributing, it's really hard to describe but it wasn't meant to be taking advantage. My wages paid for the bulk of clubs, clothes and food shopping which was considerable as we ate very well.

In hindsight, I could have paid some mortgage and bills, even if not half and he could have shared the other commitments like the food to even it out. I'm not some money grabbing character, I just wanted to be happy.

I mean… the guy has had to be quite financially focused hasn’t he! And you’ve benefited from that by him paying all the mortgage and housing costs up til now…

I don't think it's the history people are talking about. I think it's the idea that you've given that you still want him to fund your life now, when you ended things because he's not sociable enough.

It’s not so much about who contributed what to what in the past. You had your roles and agreed what worked as a unit

but that unit is now broken. You chose to end it.

so you need to expect things financially to change. He can’t ( and isn’t ) expected to pay for you to remain there, or give you more equity, or take a hit himself. You’re thinking he’s shafting you when actually you’ve got a pretty good deal from a guy who is acting fairly.

your expectations of what this looks like are disconnected from reality ( or fairness or legal position) So you can chose to also act from a position of fairness now or continue to expect stuff you’re not entitled to which will cost you money but importantly cost you goodwill and the ability to come out of this with a semi decent relationship with ex - and that will cost your children more

I am going to assume that you both have a common interest in ensuring that your children aren’t adversely impacted by your decision. The most fundamental need they have in all of this to have two peaceful and amicable parents. The last thing they need is to have two parents at war.

It is the relationship with their parents, separated or not, that brings them security and stability.

The offer is fine. It gives him some benefit and you some benefit. At its core it is ensuring your children have a home with both of you.

The problem for you is that you cannot afford to buy and your capital may be eroded by renting. But this is not a foregone conclusion. You should invest it and live off your income. Investing 85k will provide a return

Taking him to court will cost you a lot of money. It may not be successful. The benefit will be 4 more years of equity growth in the family home but you will be paying the full mortgage without increasing your share. Equity growth in your share will be about £15k (15% return on £100k over 5 years). Legal costs to stay there will be £5-10k. Your living costs will be tight in the family home or a rental. You will then have selling costs.

So my advice.

Taking his offer and investing the capital sum will give you a return of 8-10% with no extra cost and crucially not emotional turmoil for your children and you arising from a legal fight.

Fighting to stay in the family will cost nearly as much as you will benefit from the investment. At best you will end up with a return of c 5-10%. But a long legal fight that will impact on you and your children.

you wanted the break up and you should give him a clean break. There is no good option just the least disruptive to your children. Fighting your ex is the most disruptive thing you can do.

A reverse is where somebody posts as if this is their situation when they are actually the other party. It's to see how a situation is viewed from another perspective. So in this case it wouldn't be the mum who's started the split actually posting. It would be the dad, trying to see if what he's offered is in fact fair.

I don't think this is a reverse though. I think it's somebody who thought they could have their cake and eat it and who has made a huge mistake. As there will be no cake for them. Instead another woman will finessed cake and eat it. And live in the OP's house too. Lol at the op thinking her ex is too shy for that. Nope!

I don't think this is a reverse though. I think it's somebody who thought they could have their cake and eat it and who has made a huge mistake. As there will be no cake for them. Instead another woman will finessed cake and eat it. And live in the OP's house too. Lol at the op thinking her ex is too shy for that. Nope!
Exactly, however think the OP is of belief that she can now say to STBXH 'actually babe, just realised I won't get the house, you won't pay for it or give me maintenance for ever... I suddenly love you again!!' And he's going to rejoice and she'll live off him, happily ever after!

I personally hope the ex sees right through her if she tries that.

Very very outdated. Even if you were married you wouldn't be getting what you want. If you were married and kept the house you'd still be expected to take over the mortgage and pay everything yourself. You're a healthy adult who's kids aren't little anymore, you're capable of working full time and are earning a decent
wage, you should be expecting to support yourself. I'd take what he's offering, given everything you've told us it's more than fair.

Thankyou, lots of thinking and planning to do, just before Christmas too, my favourite time. First step is probably to get some legal consultation I think, see exactly what my options could be and timescales.

Are you still hoping a lawyer will tell you that you can keep the house and he has to keep paying?

No, but I'd like to explain the situation in detail, our set-up and perhaps it will give me a clear path to follow. Hard times ahead.

Good luck. I hope you find a way forward soon.

So you are hoping that a solicitor will tell you that you can stay and that he can continue to pay …. Otherwise you’d simply be discussing with your ex and accepting his offer

OK. I suspect the solicitor will either advise you accept, or suggest you get three estate agent quotes before accepting, or push for slightly more eg another 5k, but that in general the offer is reasonable as deducting notional fees is allowed.

However, it is worth getting some kind of legal agreement about the proceeds etc so that would be worth understanding.

It may also be wise to search a few possible rental apartments and maybe even see a couple before Xmas to get a feel (though you may need to be in a more proceedable position before agents are happy to add you to the list)

Make sure you get a free half hour of legal advice. Otherwise you'll simply be paying for what you've already heard here. Solicitors don't muck around, they aren't going to waste time pursuing an unfair goal. A friend of ours was once the ex husband in this situation. Devastated that his wife had left him he wanted to do exactly what you would like your ex to do OP. His kids were much younger too. His solicitor pointed out he was hardly in his dotage and would meet a new partner. He didn't believe it at the time. But he took their advice and the split was fair to both. Lucky as it turned out because he did indeed then meet a lovely woman, marry and have two more kids.

@whenemmafallsinlove but in this case op is not married so there’s no share to work out

Also, imo, some solicitors do waste time and money encouraging people to pursue outcomes they’re not going to get

<tangent> All this free half hour stuff isn’t really to give 29.5 mins of advice after a quick hello, right?

IANAL but when I consulted one for an employment matter, it took a lot more than half an hour to explain everything, for her to get my contact details and ID info etc.

I don’t know why everyone thinks lawyers work for free. They will recoup the costs. They add it to someone’s bill. Maybe not yours but someone’s.

"Free" half hours are sales pitches.

Nobody is going to give worthwhile advice on complex issues in that space of time.

I think it's sensible to have a one-off advice session, because nobody here has all the facts, and I doubt anyone is qualified to advise, either (because anyone who was, wouldn't be advising without said facts!).

Good luck, OP. I think you have a lot of thinking to do tbh.