Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

Firstly lovely take a breathe. Can you go to GP and get some counselling to help you process what's happening and grief?

You don't have to do anything he says, or his solicitor. If you get there, only a judge can make you do anything. Walls need to go up and just ignore anything about 'you' cos it'll absolutely benefit him.

Money and child access are separate so whether you work or not will not have any impact on how much you agree he looks after your son. 50:50 is starting point but everything is negotiable.

Court would expect you to maximise earnings but there is no rush to do this.
At some point you'll do it when you're ready.

The good news is if you amicable you have a shot at mediation which can be quite cheap as long as he wants to settle and be reasonable, only time will tell on that one.

Your only job right now? Look after yourself e kind to yourself, get out of the house and away from him as much as you can just for headspace visit friends, playdates, walks and focus on you!

You'll be so much better the other side, but it's a bit of a marathon, all you need to do right now is focus on you! You've got time for all the rest x

I also found FB group working mum's divorce recovery really helpful, as well as How to be a lady who leaves - there's a book and podcast for when you're ready!

@starsandladybirds the cost of an actual
divorce is not that high. It’s all on .gov.uk. What puts the price up is solicitors’ letters when you haven’t agreed a financial settlement and they charge a fortune per letter and phone calls etc. It is better if you can agree at least the big things between you or via a mediation service.

If he is spending for personal stuff on credit card and sneakily paying off out of joint funds that’s not ok. You need to get tough but fair here … likewise, when he declares salary, he’ll probably be in a salary sacrifice scheme in which the payments come off his gross salary, looking like he earns less.

Likewise, you may be able to aim for staying in the house unless it is massive. But he can’t just bugger off and say you have to buy your own place.

Take control and file for divorce yourself - I did. It feels better being in control. I didn’t want a divorce - ex initiated the complaints because he thought the grass was greener and was flirting with all and sundry. He did not like it when I turned the tables and posted the forms to him at our address. Right now he’s holding all the cards and I think you should arm yourself with as many facts as you can.

Married 4 years and part time for 2 does not equal a long marriage.

Its really not the time to change jobs...you are in the midst of some life changing events and you cannot heap even more stress on. There will be a time for that but its not right now. Cheek of the man.

I've just realised too today that although he has a work car now, the car he used to have I now drive (my car) is still in his name.

@starsandladybirds

The V5 (logbook) doesn't determine who owns a car so no need to worry about that too much. Plus it's just another asset between you.

Seek mediation. Cheaper than court and you can go through the custody details and finances. It’ll also very bad on him if he refuses mediation and it ends up in court. He doesn’t get to dictate you moving to a ft position. You made what would be considered a reasonable agreement that you would work PT while your son was small. Once things are settled and you have your financial settlement then you can look for a job with more hours as you have indicated that you will need to. Mediation will also let you consider how you will manage carers leave and wraparound care plus the school holidays. Most very high earners have a nanny or a sago parent who picks up
the slack. So it’ll be interesting to see his proposals

“I’m also not sure how he is expecting to do his role and look after his own child 50% of the time.”

By getting a nanny or using a nursery and/or family. Which he is perfectly entitled to do on his time.

Gosh he sounds aweful.sorry you've had to experience this. If he's earning so much why can't he move out and rent his own house and pay for yours too. He's the one who has suddenly changed his mind when u started a lovely family together. He's betrayed u and being patronising about your part time hours when you are caring for a small child too. Omg. I hope you tell your freinds and family and get some support to get away from this horrible selfish person. And look after yourself, heartbreak sucks but honestly sounds like he's not the one. Not the way he's treated u. Onwards and upwards, you can do this, step by step.

Is he trying to avoid spousal support?

Unfortunately even the good dad's I know have turned into utter twats when it comes to money in the divorce. Every divorced man seems to think that he gets screwed over, yet I don't know any divorced woman who hasn't been left financially really in a hole.

Obvs ignore him. You will need more money but do what you're doing now, get through the divorce and once the dust has settled you can think about job hunting.

Whatever money he has to pay for his child won't be enough for a comfortable lifestyle for you and your child, so eventually you'll need more hours - but obvs that's much easier with older kids.

It absolutely needs to come from your joint account. Everything related to the divorce should be.

Get a second opinion. Make sure you have all your soon to be ex-H‘s financial documents in regards to your mortgage, bank accounts, property maintenance, investments, pensions, potential lease agreements etc.

Spousal support is very rare in the UK, unless one partner is absolutely minted and one has no income. OP has an income.

Don’t make any big changes as it’s a grieving process you are going through. You have lost your marriage which you thought was for life.

if you one of the parents is a high earner then you won’t get any funded hours for childcare while in same house.

start separating your finances. Get your salary paid into your own account. He needs to pay his credit card out of his account only. If it looks really high then he is spending on himself and shouldn’t begrudge his kid a coat.

start living as if 50:50 custody to show him what his life will be like. Plan some time away. Go to your family and just have a rest and be looked after. It will be tough leaving your kid but not having you to pick up pieces to allow him to work might make him rethink.

take control of situation as he’s not coming back and may even be seeing someone else and hiding it on credit card.

get all the free consultation from lawyers that you can and stay in your current role. You can change jobs when you are settled

Don't change your job and don't increase your work. My friend was in similar circumstances, the court awarded all the equity in the house, 1/2 the savings and a maintenance payment to her. So hang in there, dont leave the home willingly, def dont agree for it to be put up for sale. I know it's tough I went through it and had to hang it out 6 months in the same house with an x who was night clubbing with women whilst I support our children.

2 years old is VERY young to be doing 50/50 - if OP asked for 70/30 or more she'd be likely to get it. Shuttling a toddler back and forth is really not in the child's best interest, generally speaking.
Her DH has probably been told this, hence his encouragement of her having more income as he'll have to pay more towards the child.

OP - you need a difference solicitor - ask around, any women you know used one?

Not sure whether it’s been mentioned earlier but get online and and see what benefits you are entitled to. Universal credit etc. there are some great websites that will take you through step by step.

also, despite what he thinks even if he does have 50/50 he might have to pay maintenance. Go onto the CSA website and crunch the numbers.

how much equity is in the house? How much is the mortgage? You might find you can afford to pay it with wages +UC+ maintainance. If there is little equity you could trade this with him for his pension?

he can’t force you to sell the house, and is still legally responsible for half of the mortgage

I think you should go full-time. If you get divorced, and the house is sold, you'll almost certainly be over the savings threshold for UC. All your capital will get eaten up by rent, etc, then you'll possibly be trapped renting for life.

He earns almost 100k, he can well afford to move out so that's a rubbish excuse. He's trying to bully you out

If OP has the child 70:30, she will get CM according to his salary regardless of what she earns. Her earning potential may affect split of assets, true.

My comment is addressed to those who seem to think it isn’t possible to earn a high wage and make childcare arrangements. It certainly is.

He’s trying to position you so that he can get away with paying you off minimally.

you must not change your circumstances at all, and you need to make sure you articulate at the hearing that his career took off at the expense of yours since you had to work part time to look after your child whilst his salary soared.

write up a timeline since you married, ie:

on x date we married, I was working as xxx earning ££. Partners was working as xxxx earning &££.

on x date DC was born

on x date DH was promoted/new job earning ££££

on x date I left full time work to care for DC

etc

On his not quite £100k, he would have to pay rent or mortgage on a 2 bed flat (room for him and DS) and all bills there, plus continue to pay what is probably most of the mortgage (as OP earns much less) on their current 2/3 bed home. He may not be able to “well afford” this TBH, especially if they stretched themselves when buying the current home.

I think he’s an arse, with his personal spending on the joint credit card and whinging about a winter coat, but he’s not earning so much that he can support two households without even blinking.

Not true my friend was awarded spousal support and he ex’a income was £70k

Exactly this.

I’m also confused at those saying he is lying when he says he can’t afford to move out “because he’s on 100k”. Yes that’s a large salary, after tax & NI is about £5.6k per month, factor into that pension, any student loans etc lets say about £5kish in his bank on pay day.

Depending on how much mortgage is left on the house & how much the house is worth the monthly mortgage payments could easily be £1.5-2k, then all household bills on top of that utilities, water, council tax, Wifi, any Sky stuff, life/home insurance policies etc could easily be another £1k. So there’s potentially £3k gone just on mortgage & household bills. Then factor in food shop, maybe a car finance, car insurance etc…could be another £500-1000. So actually that being the case he can’t afford to continue paying for this house AND move out into somewhere rented and pay rent, council tax, utilities etc on that house as well.

Sorry you are in this awful situation, OP. Find yourself a really good lawyer who is on your side and refuse to discuss your options with your soon to be Ex who clearly has his own interests at heart, not yours.