Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

Thank you so much for sharing. I will look that up. Thank god for the users of Mumsnet!

Wow, that’s pretty controlling - what is the shopping fund? Do you have two joint accounts?

This has helped me realise the reality, he is just trying to keep it amicable. Thank you. It is sinking in finally.

I can't reply to a quote @AcrossthePond55 but thanks for sharing, good to know the story and thank you

No each month I take a certain amount for supermarket, toddler classes plus pet food and pet stuff. I manage all the children and animal stuff. It doesn't cover all clothes though (depending on how much DS needs), but I probably should have taken it out of that account to be fair. I've transferred the £24 over but at least now I know he's keeping a close eye on it.

Although, I have a feeling he buys stuff on his credit card each month for himself/nights out etc and then uses the joint acc to pay it off the next month saying it's just for the credit card, I've no idea these days what he's spending. His credit rating isn't good though and I think this is part of the overall problem. I have one credit card which I used to buy a new fridge when we needed it and that's it.

I've just realised too today that although he has a work car now, the car he used to have I now drive (my car) is still in his name.

who paid for the car you drive, who is the main driver on it re insurance.

Haha no. I know very few people now keeps myself to myself but I've known plenty like him they all thinking the same, it's weird, like The Script when they've cheated and there's a similar thought process when they get divorced. He says he wants to divorce because he's not attracted to her any more. They're parents of a 2(?) year old DC. Like her body and priority wasn't going to change after birth. He's telling her how to be through the divorce, what to do, her job etc, laying his own snobby/predudice/fear issues with renting and benefits on her assuming she also must fear. Acting like he's the Big I Am, still thinking he calls the shots, doesn't like that he's not he #1 any more the DC is. Meanwhile she's all mousy, agreeing to 50/50 before she's even seen a solicitor and putting the divorce solicitor consultation she has had on her own personal credit card, instead of using the joint account. It tells me all I need to know about their relationship and the type of person he is and the type of stunts he's likely to pull and the type of shite she's maybe accustomed to believing.

I spent £25 on a winter coat for DS today out of main acc and H just came home and told me it should be out of the shopping fund

Who died and made him King?! You're married pet, the money in the joint account is yours as much as his. He doesn't get to decide all the spends. Giving you an allowance is infantilising you. And bitching about money going on a cheap coat for his own DC FFS! Controlling bastard.

TBH I'd consider stop dicking about too much and go on a big spend up soon, after payday, because you're not going to get away with much before he cuts you off otherwise. If you shop in store and pay for delivery (to your mum's or something preferably), there's not a 14day cancellation right like there is for online sales.

I have one credit card which I used to buy a new fridge when we needed it and that's it.

If you're buying stuff for DC the marital home etc on your CC you can argue that debt is joint debt for which he's 50% liable. You need to know what his CC debt has gone on or at least that it hasn't gone on the family. The shopping allowance and joint account for bills helps with proving his CC is solely his debt. Speak to your solicitor about this.

Actually what you should do is spend the next few months focusing only on saving money and getting fit. Rxplain to him your getting ready for your new life. Slow down the process.

Yes, and the Dad in question never buys his kids clothes. If my friend didn't buy a school for her kids they wouldn't have any. Yet he wants to look good to his kids so offers to buy them toys and gaming computers. Very irresponsible. My friend asked him to pay half for uniforms and she'd buy them and show him receipts. He just laughed and said no.

I don’t think he is keeping things amicable. He is trying to keep you quiet to get the outcome he wants.
Not the same thing at all.

But yes tyere is no turning back. That’s for sure.

This has helped me realise the reality, he is just trying to keep it amicable. Thank you. It is sinking in finally

@starsandladybirds why do you think this?

This is the opposite to how I read it. He's not being amicable, he's just hoping you will accept whatever crumbs he throws at you and be a good girl and not make a fuss. As I said previously, you need a decent lawyer who will ensure you get a fair settlement.

I think by amicable OP means that her DH being nice isn’t a precursor to a reconciliation in their marriage

Find yourself a good (possibly female dare I say) solicitor who understands coercive control, possibly narcissistic abuse. Look up a lady called a Caroline Strawson on Facebook and join her group. See if anything she says resonates about your relationship with your ex.
Find your angry as others have said, consider kicking him out of the family home maybe, why do you need to sell it if he earns that much? (Get some advice on that) use free support such as Gingerbread (a charity for single parents), have you got a free legal helpline through any of your insurances? Call the domestic abuse charities, financial abuse is still considered domestic abuse and it sounds like this is what he’s doing to you.
you need to be going for spousal maintenance, his pension etc, as others have said you’ve supported his career to get this far.
I found an amazing solicitor when I went through similar who for some reason gave me loads of advice for free, she just got my situation. There’s lots of support out there for free, just steel your nerve and reach out for help and support.
you’ve got this, you’ll find more strength than you ever knew you had and there’s a happier future waiting for you. Sending love and hugs xx

He only wants 50 50 to not pay child support. Seen this loads of times. He moves out right now and you begin divorce proceedings. Don't go full time, it's just to support his case for 50 50, and bet he gets his mum to do all his share!!

He wants you to earn more so he can pay you less / no spousal maintenance which is possible on your disparate incomes and 2) ensure an equal or close equal division of the family assets.

I would do nothing to change your job at present but go ahead and file for divorce straight away yourself.

The sooner you get him away from you, the sooner you can start to clear your head / process everything and once divorced sort your career out.

Many men say they want 50/50 to get the child maintenance down to zero. I don’t believe they realise that makes rent responsible for doctors appointment/ dentist / hair cuts / running to clubs all week. The reality will not be what they wanted.

Can you ask him (or tell him) to start the 50-50 child care now while you are living in the same house to give you extra time to look for full time work so he’s need to do nursery drop offs and pick ups on his days, also if ds is sick on his day he’ll need make arrangements for care or take a day off short notice.

You know you can file ? Go 'no blame' ( even if there is) it can be done very quickly then. When you are ready, do this for you.

50/50 is madness. You should never have agreed to that. Your son is 2 years old. He's going to be devastated to lose both parents. He needs a home. Stability. Not punted back and forth because his parents are only thinking about what is fair for them.

Yes. And he thinks that means he won’t have to pay you a penny. Does he think his new girlfriend will look after your son while he’s working all hours in his big job, or will he hire a nanny? Find your courage and your voice. Stop letting him bully you.

If your earnings/potential earnings are lower than his then you may be entitled to a greater portion of the house/assets when you do your financial agreement during the divorce settlement. I suspect that he wants you to earn more so that this does not happen.

I’m also not sure how he is expecting to do his role and look after his own child 50% of the time.

Do what works for you, not him. He’s asked for a divorce, you owe him nothing!

My heart really feels for you. I'm in a similar situation, but it was eventually instigated by me.

Men statistically don't leave marriages until they have someone else lined up, they just act like arses until their partners leave them! So I would beat that in mind when wanting to find that anger! Women on the other hand tend to detach emotionally a little at a time until they accept the life they imagined for their family is not going to be a reality (there are always exceptions to statistics of course) you sadly haven't had time to do this, which is why you have been in denial and trying to change his mind. There is absolutely no shame in that, but you need to take a long look at the man of the last few months and remind yourself that that is not the man you imagined a future with and you damn well deserve better than him!! Try and let go of the panic and know you are more than capable of providing a safe loving home for your child, it just might look a little different.
It took 2 years for me to reach that point.🙈 I 100% enable his career at the sacrifice of my own for the sake of the kids, as he is away for large portions of the year and could never take on more than 25% of parenting responsibilities.
In some ways I wish the band aid was ripped off quicker, but it is what it is.

We will not only survive, but thrive!! 💪🏻

Well done on starting your thread OP to tap into more support.

This pain will pass even if it doesn't feel as though it will. Every time you feel hurt imagine your love for your DS growing in your heart more & more.

Finding the best way through it by gathering more info is key.

Great resource here to help with more divorce info.

Also chump lady has really good tools to learn to help you day by day. It's for people who's partner has been unfaithful but even if he hasn't the skills will still be valuable.

Your son is only 2. You don't need to work more hours. He is trying to get out of supporting you both. How is h goin to look after son whilst at work. Make sure you have evidence of his earnings etc when go to see solicitor. Good luck