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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

If the Court orders 50-50 shared care…

127 replies

Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 11:51

Can anyone give me real life examples of the likely timescale over which this is built up to? Current arrangement is EOW Friday-Sunday teatime, a midweek visit, half the holidays. Has been like this for 2 years and the children are 3 and 8. If ex wants 50-50 and the court agrees, what sort of staged progression to that are they likely to order? How fast / slow?

OP posts:
anon2022anon · 20/09/2024 11:54

My sister is about 18 months in, but with a bit older kids (10 + 11 at the time), and it was straight away, as in details hashed out after court and started that weekend.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 20/09/2024 12:27

Likely to be as soon as the order is made.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 20/09/2024 12:28

Likely to be as soon as the order is made.

Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 12:30

This is v interesting, I’ve heard others on here say it was a progression built up over 12 months. It would be a big jump from where things are now and a big change from what the little ones are used to.

OP posts:
MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 20/09/2024 13:45

It's not a big jump though. They're used to seeing him four days a week with two overnights and more in holidays. 50/50 would mean seeing him 3/4 days a week with 3/4 overnights.

millymollymoomoo · 20/09/2024 13:52

I’d Expect straight away

slower progression is usually where there is currently no overnights and kids are building up to those

I disagree in this scenario it’s a big jump

Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 15:13

How is it four days a week? It’s two overnights a fortnight at present, and an hour midweek that he regularly misses due to work. Going from 2 days out of 14 to 50-50 is a big jump.

OP posts:
Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 15:14

He’s never done a school run, for example.

OP posts:
ThirstyThursday · 20/09/2024 15:16

@Breakingthrough

Does he actually want 50:50 or does he just not want to pay CMS?

BarbedButterfly · 20/09/2024 15:16

Straight away in my experience. No one I know had a build up

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/09/2024 15:16

never done a school run ?
that's his problem !

TeenToTwenties · 20/09/2024 15:32

No experience but my suggestion would be for you to think now about what a reasonable schedule might look like so if it is ordered by the court you aren't caught on the hop.

Some days always with you, some always with him, some switching (eg weekends).
Clear rules on who covers if child ill and can't go to school / handover of responsibility times.
First refusals if the other needs childcare.
Who pays for afterschool childcare/ breakfast clubs, etc etc.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/09/2024 15:35

My neighbours do Sunday 7pm to Sunday 7pm

Neveragain8102 · 20/09/2024 15:41

Youvd already got almost 50/50 - so I’d imagine the extra two overnights would be immediately.

Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 15:50

I’m confused by the posters saying that 85 nights out of 365 is ‘nearly 50/50’.

During term time they are currently with the ex every other Friday and Saturday night, the rest of the time with me. How is going from that to 50/50 not a big jump?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/09/2024 15:59

maybe posters mean every other week it is nearly 50/50 as 2 nights at weekend plus the week night = 3 nights

and half the holidays is 50/50

Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 16:21

The midweek visit is just an hour, not an overnight. So one week, they see him for an hour, and the other week, they see him for an hour plus the weekend (Fri after school to Sunday teatime). He’s never taken them to school, doesn’t sort childcare. It’s been like that for 2 years. He just doesn’t want to pay maintenance. Find it shocking if the court would really go straight from that to 50/50 with no stages.

OP posts:
Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 16:22

I don’t know if he’ll even get it.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 20/09/2024 16:25

Why wouldn’t he get it and why shouldn’t he be entitled to 50/50?

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 20/09/2024 16:27

Breakingthrough · 20/09/2024 16:21

The midweek visit is just an hour, not an overnight. So one week, they see him for an hour, and the other week, they see him for an hour plus the weekend (Fri after school to Sunday teatime). He’s never taken them to school, doesn’t sort childcare. It’s been like that for 2 years. He just doesn’t want to pay maintenance. Find it shocking if the court would really go straight from that to 50/50 with no stages.

They see him on a midweek day, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with two overnights on his weeks term-time and something similar every week for 13 weeks of the year. They never go longer than three days without seeing him. 50/50 is really not a big leap.

TeenToTwenties · 20/09/2024 16:27

Also maybe include who is responsible for dentist appts, opticians, haircuts etc?

Daschund · 20/09/2024 16:28

You sound deeply opposed to 50/50. He's not a stranger to them and does do some nights and half the holidays. It's unlikely to be refused and will more than likely begin as soon as court ordered. You're better off accepting it as likely and getting prepared.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 20/09/2024 16:38

Based on what you've shared and their ages most likely immediately.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/09/2024 16:46

ooh he is so going to love feeding his children 3 times a day for 7 days at a time, and providing heating for when they are in his home
plus clothes / shoes / books/games/toys etc

as of course he will be responsible for school lunches in his week, and nursery fees and after school club etc.
swimning lessons on a Sat perhaps all of that will be due in his 7 days...

I suggest you spend this weekend working out what 50/50 will mean to him and be ready in court

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/09/2024 16:57

People are usually talking about baby's and very young children (toddler age) when they talk about building up, OP. Cases in which the father has hardly had the child at all, because it's been breastfeeding or something so he hasn't been able to have overnights.

Unlikely to need to build up when the child/ren have an established relationship with their father, and when he already does overnights regularly. Months building up from this would probably just be more stressful for the children, because it means more changes happening over a longer time than just adjusting now, and means that no set pattern can be figured out because it keeps being added to.

If the case is definitely going to court (as in ot is not just him blowing hot air) he will almost certainly get 50 50 if that is what he is asking for, and if there are no serious concerns for the children's wellbeing. As he already has them regularly, and overnight, that is unlikely to be the case. So it would be best if you figure out a proposal now, rather than hoping he doesn't get 50 50 and worrying about it when it happens. He almost certainly will. As he should, as his children's equal parent.

The age of the children might be important for determining a set schedule, so if they are 3 and 8 now it night need to change every few years to accommodate their needs at that stage. Week on week off might be too much for a 5 YO for example, but work well for an older child, so you could do alternate weekends and then split the in-between days.

For example Monday afternoon to Wednesday morning with mum, Wednesday afternoon to Friday morning with Dad, Friday afternoon to Monday morning with mum. Then the second week is the same schedule but with the opposite parent.

You will need to decide on things like whether belongings will move between the homes, and if they do which belongings? For example how will school uniform work, with washing and moving between homes, if the handover is just done by the parent whose day it is getting the child from school, rather than parent to parent.

You will need to be able to communicate about things such as medical appointments. For example if mum makes a dentist appointment, but can only schedule it for the dad's days.

If the child is ill, do they stay at the parents house they are at until better, or do you move them whilst poorly?

How will special occasionss be handled? For example the child's bday, or mother's/father's day. Will the schedule stay the same, or will it be flexible/alternate?

There is a lot that will need to be decided. So of this is definitely going to court it would be best for you to decide how you envisage this working, so you can immediately present it as an option when he is awarded 50 50.

If you really feel it is important to build up to 50 50 then the best you can really do is attend mediation, or work it out privately before it goes to court. Accepting that he will get 50 50 regardless, and at least this way you can save yourself the court proceedings and the abrupt start to the new schedule.