If the Court orders 50-50 shared care…

[Breakingthrough]

Can anyone give me real life examples of the likely timescale over which this is built up to? Current arrangement is EOW Friday-Sunday teatime, a midweek visit, half the holidays. Has been like this for 2 years and the children are 3 and 8. If ex wants 50-50 and the court agrees, what sort of staged progression to that are they likely to order? How fast / slow?

He sounds like a cunt.

If he goes for 50/50, make sure you are clear from the outset that the weekend will need to be split or alternated so you both get quality time with the children (and face equal childcare costs and challenges). Also be clear that tiú each do your own pick ups and drop offs on your respective days.

Immediate change. 50/50 split as four days at each. Works really well as it gives the DC’s stability and moves the ‘stays’ on each time through weekends etc.

Drop off and collection from school. If the adult requires childcare, because of work, they pay when the DC is in their care.

Consistent with little changes.

Holidays, celebrations 50/50 too.

I know I'm slightly going against the general advice here with the "well let him try 50/50 and see whether he does want if", but please think very carefully before doing this.

If you're 100% confident he'd hate it and back off, you might want to take that gamble. If you think he'd follow through for maintenance reasons and this would not be good for the kids, it'll be very hard for you to then retract from that starting point. I'm not pretending to be a family law solicitor, and no one else on this thread is either, but I have been through the process which it doesn't seem like lots of people here have (and - although I may have missed a post - the two people who actually have have told you it didn't go 50/50)

I agree. And fundamentally, if there are good reasons why that arrangement wouldn’t be right, it’s not fair on the little ones for me to agree it just as a test that I hope he fails. Thank you.

Is he an ‘angry man’ with your children? That is an issue.

If not, this is about the DC’s and they have a right to an equal relationship with both of their parents. ( unless safeguarding issues which you would evidence to the court to be taken into account).

If you mean with you/situation, perhaps with a more settled, equal time he will be less angry, but you and he really aren't the point of an arrangement for the benefit of your DC’s.

There is no ‘right’ to an exact equal number of overnights. It is assumed to be in the best interest of the child to have a good relationship with both parents. But the checklist that the court uses to assess the best arrangements says nothing at all about what number of overnights is assumed to be best.

Anyone talking about a ‘right’ to 50-50, whether of a child or an adult, doesn’t know what they’re talking about, so I’m not interested in those views. I am, as a previous poster pointed out, interested in the recent first hand experiences of others who have gone through the court.

I posted above about the court arrangement.

But on the last page you weren’t interested in the experiences of others? So basically you are interested only in people who went through court and got the outcome you desire? I’ve known three who went through family court.

1 - settled on 50/50 in mediation and it works well to this day. (Primary aged children).
2 - 50/50 awarded as a 4-3-3-4 system, worked well, continues to for youngest (early secondary), oldest child went to uni.
3 - 50/50 awarded, 7 on 7 off, man lost interest about 6 mins later and went back to being Disney dad that pops in every few months.

There is a range and it won’t work for every family but discounting the fact that it is often awarded in court would be remiss and fooling yourself. If he is truly an unsafe father and this isn’t about you then you need a shit hot lawyer and to gather evidence to enable you to protect your kids.

Quoted wrong post

Many posters have answered your question and all you've done is be arsey.

I am in the 1st hand experience of others. Im just not interested in the posters who start posting about ‘rights’ to exactly equal overnights, or talking as if no of overnights is the same thing as equal parental relationships.

Some people get 50/50, some don’t. It’s the right thing in some cases and not in others. I wasn’t canvassing views on that. I was asking about how the court progressed to it.

I can give you recent first hand experience.

3 primary age children. Exh previously not a very active father, upon split had them one day in the week then every other weekend. So like 6 days a month for years. Suddenly wanted 50/50 when I went for CMS.

Mediation failed.

Section 7 report done by cafcass for court due to previous physical abuse against me (police documented). They deemed he was emotionally manipulative towards children.

He got 50/50. Pretty much because he's never harmed the children physically.

We live close enough to each other that it's no bother with schools etc.

There was no build up, it was as soon as the order was done.

I'd recommend trying to negotiate out of court. I found the family court system extremely misogynistic.

Oh and I know I didn't have to attend mediation because of DV, but I tried as I was desperate to avoid court.

So if we follow that through men should also be able to have more than 50/50 because overnight care and more contact doesn't equate to a stronger relationship between child and parent.

What other information are you looking for? What are the circumstances in your case that you want taking into account for less than 50/50 care to be awarded?

I’m wondering about this. I’ve agreed to 50/50 but it hasn’t started yet & I’ll be amazed if he manages it given he’s never done anything like that. I don’t think it’s in our child’s best interest to do 50/50 for reasons I won’t go into here but there are a few. But hoping he’ll fail & it will end up more like 60/40 or 70/30 feels quite a risky strategy. I’m v interested in all those advising OP to do this…are there really that many situations where one parent fails & the agreement is then renegotiated? And surely it’s a lot of upheaval for the child to s
establish 50/50 & then change it?

To OP and PP don't let them "try" 50/50 in the hope if fails or they give up.

Because if it does work out that way and the men do continue with it, the court will keep it that way, you'll have no argument once it's established.

If they do the 50/50 for then you decide to stop it before it goes to court, equally you'll look unreasonable.

Starts straight away .I know as happened to me

Do listen to this (in addition - it'll be confusing and disruptive to children)

I wonder how many people causally suggesting it have actually done it themselves!

I’ve been told to agree to it as it’s what a court would decide. (Agreed with lawyers out of court.)

I'd be ready with questions for court hearing like:
what has he done to organise childcare for 3 yo and what afterschool provision does he plan for 8yo.

How will he manage the school run, has he tried it yet to see where the congestion points are and will that work for his work commute?

Do you need to add his name to the carpool rotation for football or scouts - that's every Tuesday. And because it's after school, he needs a more substantive lunch or you'll need a dinner to feed as soon as he gets home (or whatever).

He will need his own set of uniform, do you need to give him the name of the supplier?

That's great news that you can share the weekly reading list job, and he needs to be ready for the last minute craft projects that come up so he'll need to get some supplies.

Is he part of the WhatsApp groups for school,
do you need to send him the details about school Inset days
How will he deal with midterms and holidays?

Basically, in the guise of being helpful as he will need to do this every week, you point out all the ways his life will have to be changed and he will have to compromise. The realities of what he is asking for. And as awkward a reality as possible for his lovely relaxed way of life right now.

Those are irrelevant questions for a court hearing other than he will need to demonstrate he has suitable childcare in place where needed and logistically can do drip offs /pick ups. Rest a court won’t care about

Now he will. Good.

There was research done, but it is a while back now, which looked at separation agreements in the Scottish context (agreeing child arrangements or having a final order is a pre-requisite for divorce) and found that very often, I don’t remember the details, the arrangements reverted to what they had been prior to the separation within a year of the agreement being signed.

A lot of time, money and stress on how things would or should be, and probably the only people benefitting are the lawyers.

I didn’t agree to something I knew would not work as I would technically be in contempt of court (with a separation agreement) if I did not take DC to contact every time it was stipulated. I wanted something which would work for DC, but of course that ended up being expensive to argue out as well.

I don’t know what the answer is. Ex doesn’t even manage what was agreed in the end, and while people say ‘he needs to take DC for x, y or z’, there is no way of making him. There just isn’t. I would say as long as you have nothing on paper and it is all informal, then you have the flexibility to try 50:50 if that is what is agreed and see what happens. It’s the right thing for DC and dad if it works; if not, you have a fall-back position.