If the Court orders 50-50 shared care…

[Breakingthrough]

Can anyone give me real life examples of the likely timescale over which this is built up to? Current arrangement is EOW Friday-Sunday teatime, a midweek visit, half the holidays. Has been like this for 2 years and the children are 3 and 8. If ex wants 50-50 and the court agrees, what sort of staged progression to that are they likely to order? How fast / slow?

I haven't been in this situation, but I would imagine keeping some weekdays fixed with the same parent would help with after school activities.

It wouldn't if they've been spending half the holidays at each house

**babies

Excuse typos. Won't let me edit again.

People don't get eased into the school run. It's just one day you now have a kid at school and do the school run.

Hi OP, not the question you asked but just wanted to let you know that I sympathise with you completely and yes it will be a big leap for the children. It feels especially rubbish that you'd live to have them the majority of the time and know you'd do a great job and his main motivation is money. I hope you come to an agreement which is best for your children. X

I said I don’t think it’s a big jump based on

they already see their dad regularly
they don’t need time to build up a relationship
they are not babies

ultimateLy he’s their dad and us perfectly capable of doing school runs/ organising childcare etc. unless he’s risk to them in which case they shouldn’t be going now

i get that you might not like it but if he can show he can do it he’ll be awarded and likely start immediately- why not prepare your children for that outcome now in a positive manner

How do we know his main motivation is money,? Perhaps op main motivation for not wanting to give 50:50 is money

I know op is saying that’s his motivation, maybe it is, or perhaps it’s not.

Maybe he’ll change his mind after a few months (weeks even) op. Doesn’t sound like he knows what he is wishing for… he might decide he’s better off paying!! Sounds like he’s enough of a twat to choose paying over daily parenting hassle. Lots of luck to you x

Of course. The only reason a man might want 50:50 care of his children is because he's a twat who doesn't want to pay maintenance. It can't possibly ever be that he's someone who loves his kids and wants to spend more time with them.

I agree with you it’s shit op, but there’ll be no build up in these circumstances. You have a build up when it’s babies or young toddlers, usually who have previously had extremely limited contact with their dad to the point that he’s pretty much a stranger. At 3 and 8 and already having regular overnights, there’s no need for a build up really. I hope he does realise what he’s letting him in for though, it will be a shock to him if he’s normally a bit shit

You could always suggest a 5/2/2/5 arrangement rather than alternate weeks.

With both I would say immediately. Courts won't stage it, they'll just order it, as he has half the holidays already. So in principle they the kids are fine with him already. English courts favour 50-50 shared parenting (according to a barrister I used), even if kids themselves prefer having a main home (which the research shows they do)

It is a big jump for you as individuals, but it's not a big jump as if he didn't see them at all. He does know them, yes it's different, but it's just a change, they're not losing either of you.

Honestly, I know it's REALLY hard, but you need to think, worst case (for you, but it's likely), he'll get 50/50. How will that work, are there any preferences you want to ask for?

My sister has set days over a fortnight, so each parent gets a weekend. They have set nights Mon/ Tues/ Thurs, I think, so the kids get to go to activities on those nights with whichever parent whose night it is. Then weds/ Fri/ sat/ sun alternates each week.
School holidays stock to the routine, except for set weeks each year for holidays.
Christmas/ birthdays are alternated.
Care for each parent starts at a set time each day, so you need to decide, if illness strikes, who stays off, the parent who has them at 8am, or the parent who has them from school collection?
Same for childcare fees, is it the person who's dropping them off who pays for that day, or who's collecting them?
Please get this as part of the contract, so you don't end up being responsible for paying more than 50%.

Expect him to be a dick- to apply for 50% of the child benefit if he can, to try and wangle out of payments. Try to think of every way he can come at you, and cover it in the contract.

A good scenario out of this might be that he gets the 50/50, and decides he doesn't want it. It can be reviewed after a year (I believe that's the regular time), so if he lets them down or they are struggling, make notes for going back then.

I am sorry you're going through this, I just do think going in prepared for this is the best- you don't want to be the one on a back foot.

Op states it a few posts in. And the fact he regularly cancels the midweek visit and has never done a school run doesn't scream 'I'd love to spend more time with my kids'. Yy, we only have OP's side to go on I know.

There's plenty of parents that have never done a school run or have done very few. Those that work away or have to start work before, gasp, 9am.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't have them 50/50.

It's not a massive increase and they are old enough. You already do 50/50 on the weekends and in the holidays

We did alternate weekends and cut the week in half in two week cycles:
eg
with Dad Friday after school through to delivery to school Monday morning,
With Mum - Monday to Weds
With Dad - Weds after school to Friday a.m back
With Mum over weekend.

So never a full week apart (important for the 3 year old) but no breaking up the weekends so you can actually do something nice with it

My friend did -after school Monday to school drop off Wednesday with dad so mum could work longer days, after school Wednesday to drop of Friday with mum so dad can work longer days and then every other weekend from Friday after school to Monday drop off.Seemed to work OK but they did all live in the same small town.

Sadly even if he's a totally useless <**t he'll still get this. I endured years of HW never done on days with Dad, missed sleep, persistence lateness and absence. They have to be abusive or really do something bad before courts will side with you.

Sorry - I feel your pain as you already know what a useless tw@t he will be

This is the exact cycle we have.

Drop off time is the same whether it’s to parent or school.

If there’s a need to stay off school then whoever is receiving the child that morning is the one who takes the day off/needs to sort childcare.

School holidays the exact same pattern, with drop off at usual school drop off time etc, with the exception of if someone goes away on holiday. Weekends can be swapped for events that aren’t movable, but are then “paid back.”

To the posters who are doubting it, he’s literally said it’s because he doesn’t want to pay maintenance, he was fine with it not being exactly equal til he realised how much it would cost him.

Curious how many of these responses are based on first hand experience? As I’ve heard from others where they have had contact built up over a year, at similar ages and from a similar place.

So why don’t you propose a staged transition to 50/50 OP? Directly to your ex, without going to court. You could do it through solicitors or mediation if your co-parenting relationship is that bad, but if it’s generally been alright then you could just email him the suggestion. With that pattern I’d suggest turning the Weekday visit into an overnight, then adding a second weekday overnight after a month or two. So if they normally visit on Wednesday turn Wednesday into an overnight, then add Thursday. Then after a while (another month?) make the alternating weekends Friday to Monday morning and it will be 50/50.

ive tried all of that. Talking, inviting him to mediation, emailing, suggesting reasonable plans. No engagement, no consideration of how the children are and what their life would be like in different scenarios. Just verbal abuse and shouting about his right to 50%.

Also, I don’t believe that an exact 50/50 is right for these kids, in these circumstances. Its important to have a good relationship with both parents but that doesn’t have to mean an exact equal split of nights.

I actually hate the automatic ‘why shouldn’t he have 50%’ brigade. Newsflash: PARENTS DONT HAVE ANY RIGHTS TO THEIR CHILDREN. It’s the children who have rights. There are lots of reasons that it might be better for them to have something other than the exact numerical split that means no maintenance.