If the Court orders 50-50 shared care…

[Breakingthrough]

Can anyone give me real life examples of the likely timescale over which this is built up to? Current arrangement is EOW Friday-Sunday teatime, a midweek visit, half the holidays. Has been like this for 2 years and the children are 3 and 8. If ex wants 50-50 and the court agrees, what sort of staged progression to that are they likely to order? How fast / slow?

This is a good idea. And make it clear what the schedule would be and that he can't bring them back if sick etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's incredibly tough.

I do think posters on threads like these sometimes lack a bit of empathy and leap to a "what's your problem, he should have 50/50 and he will" without considering the feelings of the person who's greatly distressed at the idea of it (even if in turn there may/will be another party distressed at the lack of it).

OP - the first thing to remember about the family courts is that there's no hard and fast rule. You'll hear plenty of people whose exes were awarded 50/50 in circumstances where it just seems straightforward from the outside they shouldn't. There are also plenty of cases where this absolutely isn't the case - I went through the family court (was hellish) and the arrangement is not 50/50 which is what my ex was asking for.

Secondly - don't panic. I completely understand your mind immediately leaps to what this would look like for your kids and you, but even if it does happen (and it's far from inevitable) it's nowhere near close.

If your ex is just shouting about it and refusing to go to mediation etc - while unpleasant that's good for you for now. There are so many stages he'll have to go through and he's refusing to even engage with the first (mediation)

@Breakingthrough i really feel for you in your situation. It is clear from everything you've said their father is wanting 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. So many "dads" do this!

In my experience the courts is like a lottery. All depends how they feel on the day which is shocking as it's children's lives that are affected.

50/50 can only work if the parents can coparent!

When does your youngest go to school?

Could you ask him to slowly increase his time of sleep overs, till your baby is in full time education. The do a 3, 4 rolling days. So you both get a weekend every other week. Maybe him losing his evenings will make him backtrack.

@bagsts just like you my ex was not awarded 50/50 like he was asking for in the family courts.

And so many mums reject more time with dad because they don’t want to lose maintenance but dress it up as not in kids best interest

there are good dads, good mums, bad dads, bad mums and a whole range in between.

there are many dads whose motivation for 50:50 is nothing to do with maintenance
, no one ever screams oh mum only wants them 80% of time so they get it.

Ultimately there are two parents and children should get to have an equal relationship with both ( of course sone circumstances excluded)
however, op question the answer is yes he’d get 50/50 most likely and no there probably won’t be a build up ( or if there is only a fairly short one)

Around 40% of non-resident parents do not pay the maintenance they are supposed to, which is before we get to the people who don’t claim because they cannot face anymore acrimony (which was me).

So I really don’t think the problem is ‘mums rejecting more time with dad because they don’t want to lose the maintenance but dress(ing) it up as in DC’s interests’.

The best people to decide what is in DC’s interests are the parents and here, the ex would be well-advised to attend mediation and work things out for more residential contact.

@millymollymoomoo I've never heard of a mum rejecting more time with a dad so she can get more maintenance compared to all the stories I've read where the dad only wants more time so he doesn't have to pay as much!

In most cases the maintenance is so minimal this theory is quite laughable!

My ex deliberately only works a few hours a week and relies on (substantial) family money to enjoy a very lovely life style. I can assure you the £37 a week I receive was not a motivator when I made the judgement call (which you may or may not agree with) to oppose 50/50

Given how much family court cost me, the £37 a week wouldn't touch the sides of this for the entire time I'll receive it

You won't hear those stories on mumsnet, certainly

@HowardTJMoon I don't just hear stories on Mumsnet!

Here's one example but there are plenty https://www.dad.info/forum/child-maintenance/being-refused-50-50-because-she-wants-maintenance/

@timeforanewmoniker that's 1 example I've heard in 10 years! Dads hate paying maintenance and try and avoid it at all costs! The fact there is a sub heading on that forum for "child maintenance" says it all!!

I've have 3 close friends who are all separated. As an example, 1 Dad has changed who his business is owned by eg family so for a few years he had no income so he avoided child maintenance, 1 Dad deducts money from child maintenance for lunches he buys his children when he's out for the day with them and the other Dad hid huge bonuses each year to avoid paying more child maintenance and then when going through CMS as he'd not been honest he goes mad! And my own experience is similar of huge dishonesty!

Maybe to help them adapt they could now start staying Sunday nights too and he takes them to school on Monday mornings?

I had 50:50 and paid maintenance even though I didn't legally have to. When I ended up having the kids full-time my ex avoided paying at every opportunity . She was thousands in arrears by the time she died.

So based on that can I claim "mums hate paying maintenance and try [to] avoid it at all costs"? Or would that also be an overly broad and sweeping generalisation?

The children have rights to both parents where safely possible. He might well be a maintenance avoider (in which case he’ll find 50/50 difficult and probably change it back soon enough) but you’ve not said he’s an unsafe parent, he just hasn’t had to do school runs or childcare because his current arrangement with you doesn’t allow for it. Conversely, are you upset at the thought of losing maintenance? For every Dad who doesn’t want to pay there’s a Mum for whom 50/50 would mean a drop in income.

50/50 is about parents wants not the child

Post divorce sure you might have to sell the family home etc and get used to different living standards but the parent has the stability of one home.

How would you feel shuttling between two homes every few days? I wouldn't want to do that as an adult let alone a child

Children need the stability of one home more than anything else and if parents put their children first then they should come to an agreement which means more time at one home with regular visitation with the other parent

Having a good relationship with both parents is not the same thing as an exactly equal number of overnights. As for his maintenance, i think he SHOULD contribute to his children but actually I am the higher earner.

He absolutely should contribute 50% of all his children’s expenses! All parents should. My point was this doesn’t need to be done via maintenance but can be achieved via 50-50 care.

Why are you so opposed? If you are concerned for their safety then I get it but otherwise why wouldn’t you want equality in your children’s time to build relationships with both of you?

My DH has 50/50 of my DSD and only having her half the time is hard for him. It’s hard for her Mum too. They both miss out at times and it hurts them. But she is happy and thriving and both parents are contributing equal amounts of time, money, input, hard work and fun time into her upbringing. Both of them accept that it isn’t about them or their wants or their feelings, it’s about her rights. She will also have high expectations for future male partners (if that’s her preference) because both her Dad and Step Dad are excellent examples of parents who do their 50% share of everything.

There are very good reasons, but I don’t want to set them out here in case it’s identifying. But yes, I know it’s not about our feelings - it’s about what is best for the children. Which is having a strong relationship with both parents. But that doesn’t habve to equal an exact 50-50, it is abolsutely dependent on the circumstances.

I wish people who know nothing about my/our situation would stop drawing conclusions based on their own situations, especially since that’s NOT what I actually asked about.

50:50 doesn’t always mean no maintenance either…does he actually know that?!

I agree

Definitely