If the Court orders 50-50 shared care…

[Breakingthrough]

Can anyone give me real life examples of the likely timescale over which this is built up to? Current arrangement is EOW Friday-Sunday teatime, a midweek visit, half the holidays. Has been like this for 2 years and the children are 3 and 8. If ex wants 50-50 and the court agrees, what sort of staged progression to that are they likely to order? How fast / slow?

It sounds like he sees 50/50 as 'winning'. I think your best bet is to go along with it. Be very clear about how it will work and that he will have to organise school runs and childcare on his days, plus sick cover etc on his days. I suspect he'd soon realise 50/50 will require him to do a LOT more childcare.

@Breakingthrough unfortunately, just because you don't believe it's right, and I believe you, doesn't mean he wouldn't get it.
Dsis ex had police involvement for violence after the split, he stopped seeing the kids for months, he was verbally abusive, lots of other stuff. There were police and social worker reports, stating they thought mum would be the preferred carer.
Cafcass came, said they saw no threat to the kids from dad, he got 50/50 starting that weekend.

We all know what's best for our kids, but that doesn't mean it's what will happen. And he'll either fuck up and you'll have a case to go back to court with, or step up and be a good dad.

I mean this very kindly, but it's doing you no good to keep just hoping for the best. I really hope it happens for you, but what would actually be helpful is to put in plans for what if it doesn't, and start bracing yourself so that if it does, you can tell your kids how great it is that they get to spend time with dad, and you'll see them in no time, so they feel reassured.

If he's never done a school run he should not be awarded 50/50, he's just trying to avoid maintenance.
I suspect he'll be palming off the childcare on a new partner or his parents. Those poor kids.

@anon2022anon thank you, I prob need to hear that. It just feels so, so wrong that it’s not actually going to be about the children. It’s going to be about an angry man with no interest in co-parenting insisting on his ‘rights’.

I agree with this. 50/50 sunday to sunday.

Let him think about how he will manage it.

"If he's never done a school run he should not be awarded 50/50"

Do you honestly believe this? You do know that plenty of people, often the ones in the public sector, work shifts that start way before the school run?

@Breakingthrough I know. I'm sorry.

It won't help to know now, but it might in the future- my niece and nephew are doing well and coping with everything. Your kids will too. They absolutely prefer being with mum, and their mum's home is still home in their eyes, and they go stay at dads, but everything is settled, and everybody is milling along okay. Your kids will too. Just keep reminding yourself that your job is to get them through it.

And also that if/ when he gets 50/50, one of the things that will piss him off to a great extent will be you not staying in on your child free nights, and having weekends away, etc. it's a great big Fuck You that he can't get to you.

Make it very clear in court if he gets 50/50 he sorts and pays for any childcare on his 50 percent of time. He does all drop offs at school and collections and cares for them if they are sick on his 50 percent of time. Some find it easier to do week 1 with Mum Monday to Friday except 1 night sleepover midweek with Dad. Week 2 with Dad Monday to Friday except 1 night sleepover with Mum. Mum and Dad have DC every other weekend. It might be once he realises he'll have to do and pay for everything for his DC he might change his mind. Also in court suggest going 50/50 on clothes, school uniform shoes and coats also s hool trips and regular hobbies too or else the kids will end up missing out if they do a hobby but only can go every other week. Make your ex realise he can't just ring you to come running if they are ill on his time, he will have to stay home with them. It will be hard at first but it will give you time to move on. You might want to do housework and batch cooking when you do have kids so when you do see them you have time to spend with the kids playing and chatting with them.

If the court orders it then it's probably worth considering what doing it in stages means for the kids. It's often harder and drags it out to do things that way.

They just get used to one thing and then you add in another change, and another, and another. It's like ripping the plaster off. I'd definitely try and space it so it's not week on/week off though. That feels too long for them

It's only usually a progression if the DC are very young. At your ages, it's likely to be immediate, as PP have said

Well he’s going to look daft in court if you’ve been offering more time and he’s not taken you up on it more or less immediately, instead waiting for a court date before accepting that increase in time with the kids . It won’t mean the court won’t grant him 50/50 shared care, it’ll just make him look petty.

No it wouldn't. It would mean seeing him for 7 days then Mum for 7 days - very different.

???

Er, no. 50/50 isn't usually one week on, one week off. For primary school children it's more usually similar to the OP's current set up, a few days with mum then a few with dad.

I saw one of those reddit articles recently about a man who wasnt enjoying the responsibility of adult life essentially, so he divorced his wife. Their american state has 50/50 as standard. And it was one full week on, one full week off. He regretted everything pretty soon. His life got significantly harder and he was struggling at work. His ex wife on the other hand was thriving and excelling at work as she now had every-other-week to give it her all.

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack guess everyone’s experience is different as all 50:50 arrangements I know are 1 week at each for primary ages and younger

i think it depends on parents - if they can co parent well ( even if don’t like each other) that helps as kids can call/chat to the other etc, and as the get older if parents live close by can pop in when staying with other parent.
if parents

@Breakingthrough
You chose him
You went on to have two children with him
Don't be angry at us
Even if he is only taking them to avoid paying it's healthy for children to spend time with both parents.
I am sorry you are struggling with this

if you really don’t want him to have 50/50, could you manage without the maintenance? Would he accept less if you forego it?

This is going to get backlash here, and yes, he absolutely should pay. But it’s what I’d do if I really thought 50/50 wasn’t in my kids’ interests.

I say this as someone whose kids do pretty much have 50/50 and it works well for us.

We agreed 50/50 from the outset and the kids have really benefitted from equal time with both parents. We do things a little differently but it's worked well. We started with half a week each and moved to alternate full weeks when the kids got older, at their request. I'd have thought as there is already and established pattern of regular contact it would probably start immediately if that's what's ordered.

Ours is informal and we have a good co-parenting relationship, so possibly more unusual. Youngest is now 10 but was 3 when we separated. So it’s evolved with the kids too. The exact days aren’t set for us and it depends where the children want to be, what we all have on, and what’s going on work and education wise.

If he has them 50% of the holidays there probably won't be much, if any progression however there are practicalities and if you genuinely don't think it's best or works for the dc then you need to calmly and factually present the reasons why and he needs to demonstrate why it is best. If he really just wants to get out of paying maintenance, he's unlikely to be able to do this'

If you have proof he’s said it’s due to maintenance then present that to court.
Work out all the stuff that he currently doesn’t do that he will need to take on as you won’t be the fallback any more. So look at medical appointments, activities, parties, care when they’re sick and school liaison.
Depending upon his income he may still have to pay you maintenance at 50:50 - it’s worth checking this out. Pick holes in his parenting planning you see any during mediation.

Do you mean more a big jump for you?

Its hard not seeing your DC

Why not offer him to trial 50/50 for a couple of weeks?

Tell him that if it works and he's reliable, sticks to the schedule and meets all the kids' needs, you'll pay him back the maintenance for those weeks.

He might decide against taking it to court after a trial run!

In my experience, the men who love their kids and want to spend time with them are the ones who do this from when baby is born and ensure they are doing their share of the school runs and activities etc regardless of whether or not the parents are separated. If there is an equitable sharing of parenting prior to separation, then it is more likely to already be the status quo.

I would also suggest that even if a man has not done his share and wishes to start after separation, this is something which a reasonable person would be happy to increase in stages working with the other parent to consider DC best interests and ensuring a smooth transition.

I agree with the poster upthread who said the best way to sort this out would be in mediation to work out an approach that suits DC. It is not a given that the other parent will get 50:50 or even what he asks for in court (my DC’s father did not), but court is expensive, stressful and really should be a last resort.