Shocked - the affair never stopped :-(

[WhatsitWiggle]

I separated from ex just over 2 years ago. He'd had an affair in 2012, I found out, he promised it was over. Our relationship never recovered and by 2022 I couldn't take anymore and asked for a divorce. He moved out, and at the start of this year I bought him out of the house and started the divorce. I felt like a weight had been lifted, like I'd found myself again. I miss having a companion, but he wasn't that - we never went out together - so it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been updating my name back to my maiden name and whilst going through password manager, found an email address I didn't recognise. Turned out to be his secret email. The affair never stopped. For 12 years, she's been waiting for him, they've been meeting in secret, emailing, calling ... he's booked weekends away with her when he's told me he's away with work or visiting his family.

I'm so fucking angry. He has not officially told me he's in a relationship, and completed the financial order to say he had no intention of cohabiting .... when I can see from the emails exactly what they are planning!

I can't believe I believed him when he said it was over, that I trusted him for 10 years. It's totally changed my opinion of him, and I'm disgusted that I have to even communicate with him over our daughter (she's 16 but has autism - he'll need to be around for her for a few more years yet).

I never told my parents about the affair, I was too embarrassed at the time. But my mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow (today) and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm shaking as much as when I first found out about them.

I know that mumsnet thinks badly of snoopers, but I genuinely thought they'd rekindled the relationship recently. I feel like my life for the last 12 years has been a lie. How the hell did I miss it?! He clearly realised where he'd slipped up when I confronted him in 2012 and became more devious. I feel like I don't recognise this person.

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

I'm rambling now. It's late and I have work in 4 hours.

I’m sorry OP, that must be such a shock and a betrayal. I think you need legal advice as to how this affects the financial order.
(That should be like a bucket of cold water for him.)

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

Do it. Bastard! Absolutely despicable, and you read some shocking things on here, but this is truly dreadful!

He has exploited you. For years. Would you have ever got back into bed with him again if you had known his affair wasn't over? No. You wouldn't have. So he has sort of slept with you for years under false pretences. That is nasty.

So sorry. Confide in your mum maybe? Also get yourself a good therapist because you will need some support and focus on you. If you're in shock the GP can give you a very short course of something that can calm you down (,I had it once)

I am so very sorry that you have been treated this way💐

Oh OP, what a horrible shock for you. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Sorry to hear this OP. First get legal advice, then call him out. Also, how bizarre that he managed to keep this up for 12 years, be glad you are rid of this loser

Would there be any change to the financial order if he had stated he was going to be cohabitating?

If so in your favour I would copy all the emails and use them to get a better settlement

Tell your mum.

Tell friends and family.

Don't keep his secret for him. Who would that benefit?

You need support. Lean on people who care for you. The feeling that ten years of your life have been stolen from you and you've been made a fool of is not one you should have to face on your own.

Twelve years...

Well, you’re well rid of him and she’s not getting any prize to say the least.

Absolutely no reason for you to be keeping his secrets. Tell whoever you want to tell to get the support you need, starting with your Mum.

As for “calling him out” I don’t think I’d be able to resist letting him know that I knew and that any goodwill you had for him was well and truly a thing of the past and then I’d leave it at that. You can instruct your lawyer to take the gloves off in terms of pursuing your entitlements, but you, and especially your DD, will ultimately benefit from staying as dignified as you can.

Thank you everyone. I've no idea if the financial settlement would be different - it's 50/50 and I'm now earning more than him, so I was feeling a little bit bad about that, but now I'm not!! It's just been submitted to the courts and I'm so close to the divorce being finalised - I just want rid of the cheating shit.

I didn't think much of her originally, knowing he was married with a young child, but now? She's hung around for 10 years, whilst he promises her he'll leave when the time is right - blaming my mental health. I can't work out whether she's a hopeless romantic who truly believes he's the love of her life or not the sharpest tool in the box. Either way, she's welcome to him. He didn't treat his first wife especially well, but the full story of that really only came out once we were married. Well, I thought it was the full story. Now I'm wondering if he was cheating on her too.

@MissedItByThisMuch staying dignified is one of the reasons no-one knows about the "original" affair. We stayed together, I thought it best not to muddy the waters. I so wish I'd had the strength then to kick him out - I'd always said cheating was my line in the sand not to be crossed - but our daughter was 4 and I've no family locally, I just didn't think I could do manage. I'm stronger now.

Hi @WhatsitWiggle. You're worth a million of him. Scumbag.
Please just get the divorce stuff all finalised, you don't want anything to hinder that.
Then do what you like!!

@WhatsitWiggle you made the best choices you could for you and your dd, based on the information you had at the time. (I’m currently in the situation you were in back then and I’ve been anything but dignified many times, so it’s do as I say not as I do…😂)

As for her, it’s incomprehensible isn’t it? Waiting around all those years skulking about in the shadows, accepting crumbs, always knowing you’re second best. And at the end of all that her “prize” is a proven liar and cheat. How poor would your self esteem have to be to have standards that low??

I know they say never to wash your dirty linen in public, but I would be very tempted to put one short, factual unemotional post on social media (with comments disabled).
When my exhusband cheated I kept it secret as I didn't want people to think badly of him. Looking back, I was an idiot. The shame was all his, not mine.

12 years!

You are so close to finalising the divorce, and it doesn't sound as though the contents would affect the financial order therefore I believe your best plan is to sit tight for now.

Absolutely tell your mum, your family, his family, close friends, acquaintances, Beryl at the bus stop, and everyone else about his cheating twattiness, especially the fact he hid it for 12 years. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Once divorce settled I'd be letting fucking rip, they say hell hath no fury and I would be living up to that saying 😎

I wouldn't let him know that you are aware of the affair carrying on. Remember revenge is a dish best served cold. Choose your moment to have maximum impact. Keep the knowledge first and foremost in all your dealings with him.

It's been more than 12 years so I think he loves her ( in his own way) You're divorcing, no need to have anything more to do with him, he can see his dd separate to you. Enjoy your new freedom, find someone who will do things with you.

I would say nothing, because I would not give him the satisfaction of thinking that I gave 2 hoots about him after all this time.

Do nothing.

whats the point

Do what you feel is right ..

when I found out ex was cheating on me I found her number on phone bill .. I phoned her up said did you have safe sex . Wanted to know nothing else . Ex phoned me up later in the evening said I thought you would want to talk ..I said no hung up and never spoke again .

you have a Dd in the middle of this though .

personally I would let him know I know and don’t care because that’s me

I bet he told her that it was his decision to finally leave you and she feels like she has won.

I would wait until after the divorce has gone through and let them/her know you know but do it in a way that can somehow tell her it was your decision to finally end things.

like
“I know you continued seeing each other since I first found out about the affair. It’s a shame xxx couldn’t have ended our marriage sooner if he wanted to be with you and I had to be the one to initiate and push to end things. But I wish you all the best.”

Or something similar, I just think it would be better to not let them know you are annoyed about it - as she will think you still want him etc but making her aware it wasn’t him that ended it. I think that will annoy her more and show him for what he is.

This is absolutely shocking for you OP.

I agree with pp about letting everyone know what a snake he is.

The OW must be a fool. Skulking around all this time. And now when the excitement of his double life ceases no doubt he will soon be looking for replacement thrills: the old adage of " when a man marries his mistress a vacancy occurs " springs to mind.

You are well rid of him but what a betrayal you have suffered.

This is obviously going to be a huge emotional shock for you. Which could undo a lot of the advances you have made to move on. Two years ago you actively decided to end things with him for you. But you have a need to stay in contact with him because of your daughter. Of course this revelation will lead to some reevaluation of that. I would get counselling to help with the revaluation before you take any action which you might regret.

SM posters can hand out a lot of rash advice from the safety of their keyboard. But you have to live with it. Reopening a settlement negotiation is a big deal. His persistent infidelity won’t change the outcome. His plans to move in with her are very unlikely to either. The circumstances where “adequately housed” is relevant are specific. In many cases they don’t make much of a difference. You may not be able to use private correspondence between them as evidence anyway.

Setting off bombs in your life, even truth bombs, comes at a chaotic cost.

Where do you want your life to go now, short term and long term? Do you want to be renegotiating your divorce, fighting in court and dealing with a lot of gossip mongering and more revelations?

My life lesson is that once you start pulling at threads a lot of things unravel. People, friends and family, will have had views and knowledge about your marriage and the affair that you didn’t. You may not get the reactions you expect.

@LemonTT you've hit the nail on the head there, I feel like I've been dragged right back to when I discovered he'd been having sex with her 12 years ago. The script is all in there - he's Dad of the year, making all the effort, I'm the miserable wife who's always grumpy. Yet she doesn't appear to have called him out on it - lots of "I'll wait for you", rather than "why the fuck aren't you telling her you're leaving?".

I spent nearly six months grieving for our marriage before deciding I needed to end it. And another six months getting up the courage, dealing with the guilt, before actually telling him I couldn't take any more. And then I felt lighter. Like I could be me again. And I realised how much him moping about had been dragging me down.

I wish I could say all comms about our daughter needs to go via her. But she has autism and poor mental health. I'm navigating EHCP, social care, local charity support, benefits and education. I've tasked him with finding a private counsellor as CAMHS is taking forever. She had a breakdown in Jan 2023, was referred for autism assessment then and it's like having a much younger child whilst she navigates her diagnosis and recovers. We need to communicate effectively and up to now it's been amicable. I'm not sure I can put on that front at the moment. But I don't want to hold onto this anger, it will undo all of the last two years. I think I would benefit from counselling myself, you're right there.

Where do I want my life to go now? I want the divorce ASAP, I want my name back, I want to remove every trace of him from my house (I realised today the necklace I love and have worn for 20 years was a wedding gift. I've taken it off. I need to buy myself a replacement I love just as much.) I want to use my free weekends where he's on daddy duty to travel - I work for an airline and European city breaks will be relatively easy to navigate alone.

He's so nice and helpful to other people though, he comes across as a genuine, nice guy and people love him. I wish I could burst that bubble without coming across as the unhinged scorned wife. I don't think it's possible, unfortunately.

I don't think he's cut out for cohabiting relationships. He hates the drudgery of domestic life. He just wants exciting sex on tap. They are unlikely to grow old together, but she won't realise that. He's done such a number on her that I doubt she'll believe me telling her he's a total coward and never once told me how he truly felt - because if he'd actually said "I don't think we should be together anymore" rather than pass-agg "I can't live like this" muttered under his breath, then he'd have found himself divorced a whole lot sooner.

Thanks to everyone on this thread. You've helped me work through my feelings. I felt like I'd lost control, the narrative had changed. But I'm still in control of what I choose to do with this new information, and that gives me strength. To quote Friends, "they don't know that we know".

@WhatsitWiggle
When/ if they finally move in together, she'll create a vacancy.

I'd keep the necklace you love. I guarantee he has forgotten all about it.

I’m divorced.

My advice is to go through that email address to see how much he has spent on the affair. It all counts in certain jurisdictions because its deprivation of marital assets and should not be taken as part of the asset split. Basically in most U.S. states how it would be worked out is that if over the 12 years he spent £20k on his affair, you get a credit of £20k before assets are split because it was an affair and the money was spent without your consent. Any debt on credit cards used to pay for this affair, that’s his debt not yours.

If he was going on trips each year, how much of your marital money did he spend because half that money was yours. If it’s £20k be done and move on because in the UK the loss to you is £10k so not worth the legal costs to recoup but look for hidden assets because if he was lying about this, what else has he been lying about?

It's so hard when you're involved with intrinsically dishonest people. And you have wasted time, trust and feel horribly betrayed by them.

I hope you tell anyone relevant who is interested about what a creep your stbxh is.

I hope you don't feel one shred of concern for him just because you earn more than him.

I hope that you will enjoy your freedom away from that shitty man. And relish it.

It feels like there are so very many shitty men.