Shocked - the affair never stopped :-(

[WhatsitWiggle]

I separated from ex just over 2 years ago. He'd had an affair in 2012, I found out, he promised it was over. Our relationship never recovered and by 2022 I couldn't take anymore and asked for a divorce. He moved out, and at the start of this year I bought him out of the house and started the divorce. I felt like a weight had been lifted, like I'd found myself again. I miss having a companion, but he wasn't that - we never went out together - so it's been a long time since I've been happy.

I've been updating my name back to my maiden name and whilst going through password manager, found an email address I didn't recognise. Turned out to be his secret email. The affair never stopped. For 12 years, she's been waiting for him, they've been meeting in secret, emailing, calling ... he's booked weekends away with her when he's told me he's away with work or visiting his family.

I'm so fucking angry. He has not officially told me he's in a relationship, and completed the financial order to say he had no intention of cohabiting .... when I can see from the emails exactly what they are planning!

I can't believe I believed him when he said it was over, that I trusted him for 10 years. It's totally changed my opinion of him, and I'm disgusted that I have to even communicate with him over our daughter (she's 16 but has autism - he'll need to be around for her for a few more years yet).

I never told my parents about the affair, I was too embarrassed at the time. But my mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow (today) and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm shaking as much as when I first found out about them.

I know that mumsnet thinks badly of snoopers, but I genuinely thought they'd rekindled the relationship recently. I feel like my life for the last 12 years has been a lie. How the hell did I miss it?! He clearly realised where he'd slipped up when I confronted him in 2012 and became more devious. I feel like I don't recognise this person.

Do I call him out on it? Part of me wants to message friends and family to tell them what a disgusting piece of shit he is. I stopped seeing them about 6 years ago because I couldn't pretend all was well any more, so I know they don't owe me anything. But I bet he hasn't been honest.

I'm rambling now. It's late and I have work in 4 hours.

I don’t understand why the other woman can’t see him for the lying, cheating shit that he is, and not wonder when he’ll do the same to her. Once a scumbag always a scumbag.

@WhatsitWiggle I am so sorry for what you went through years ago and your findings now. My h had an affair and I stayed for nine years. I'm very newly divorced because of a different reason and I'm wondering who this man is.

All your feelings are valid and understandable.

Given he has lied, if it was me I'd tell the solicitor in case the financial settlement would be better for you, but be careful because it might not. Having said that, he his "new" partners income was to be taken into account it might mean more for you but less for your child.

I also wish I'd not protected my ex as only his mum knew but his sibling knows now and he'll have a heart attack when he realises. He's only just found out one of his kids knows and he'll find out tomorrow they all know and have for ages.

Tell your mum.

I’ve just divorced ( in the Uk ) and my ex had spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on his ex and there was no way to recover that in the divorce . He had stolen the money over our 20 year marriage from the business that we ran together.

Oh my god!!

I'm full of admiration of you for your strength and restraint. Fully impressed.

I don't know what I'd do. I don't think I'd have the iron control to be as dignified for so long.

Did you tell your mum? You can be dignified, and not necessarily remain silent. Take support from those you trust x

firstly, I'm so sorry. This is a gut punch.

You say the divorce is nearly complete? I'd call the lawyer and explain the new info and ask pointedly if it could be used to your advantage financially? If so, put divorce on hold while you go scorched earth on his ass.

He richly earned this so go ahead and give it to him. Then when the divorce is finalized, drag him on social media. I normally don't like that but he's been portraying himself as something he is not for over a decade, at your expense! Take that away from him at least. Let people think you're the bitter ex, who cares, just make sure everyone in his personal and professional circle knows what a scumbag he is.

Ugh, and don't you just bet he's framed the divorce to this OW as him finally choosing her, rather than you binning his rotten arse and him having no other port. You are so well rid, that weight that lifted was way heavier than you knew. Keep on looking forward and revel in being rid of him!

OP - I know of a couple, best friends of my ex SIL, happily married for 30 years, two daughters in their 20’s, lovely couple who seemed so happy together, such a good match, lovely family life. Until he collapsed and was rushed in to hospital. His wife arrived and found another woman visiting him, holding his hand. This happily married family man had been having an affair for years! I can’t remember exact number now but it was something crazy like 20 years! It lasted throughout his daughters entire childhoods. That shocked his wife more than anything. There was so many happy family years, so many happy family holidays, christmases, birthdays and all the time he’d been having an affair. Everyone was so shocked. His wife divorced him and his daughters disowned him. Awful situation.

It does happen OP and it does happen to people who have no idea it’s happening. You’re not alone.

She sounds quite masochistic, I mean... being involved with a married man for 12 years and having to listen to his crap complaining about his marriage with OP requires a very very masochistic personality. I would like to feel sorry for this OW but I don't. Basically he's a jerk and she's a masochist willing to put up plenty of shyte (which the OP didn't) so sounds to me like a match made in heaven.

I agree. I contacted rape crisis as wanted reassurance it hadn't been rape with my ex h because I had enough to deal with but I needed something to acknowledge the pain of what he had been doing. I would not have slept with him 100% if I'd have known what he was thinking and I'd have left immediately.

I would be tempted to text his future partner and tell her she’s been a fool too for 12 years , correct all the lies he’s told her about you ( mental health etc) tell her you have been sleeping together all those years and she’s welcome to him .
Change your name and make a new life for yourself , don’t let him ruin the rest of your life and finalize your divorce before you text them both . And be happy x

I haven't read the whole thread. But in your shoes, when informing people of your divorce, or if people ask, I would be honest and say he had an affair 12 years ago, but assured me it was over, but I discovered it has been going on all this time, him telling me he was away for work, when he was actually with OW.

I love this route.

Sign it off with 'thoughts and prayers'.

Fucking hell. It's amazing the men who get away with this shit.

I would get legal advice, document every shred of evidence and I would find a way to make this affect the financial order. I’d do this without telling him until the last possible moment I could, and I think I’d pretend I knew all along and once the docirce was sorted I’d tell him and everyone we knew exactly why we had divorced.

What an absolute piece of shit he is.. you are very strong. I always think the hardest option is to stay actually and attempt to put your trust back into someone who has broken it… be kind to yourself op and definitely tell someone or some friends in real life. Wishing you the best of luck going forward. He’s a prick of the highest bar.. think of what a lump of shit you are breaking free from. There is no way in hell having someone that deceitful in your life could have ever brought you anything good in the future so this is absolutely the best thing for you and I hope you find happiness and all you deserve!!! X

I think that's it, the fact that he had no intention of making an effort, he'd checked out emotionally and it wouldn't have mattered what I did (short of giving him 100% of my attention), he'd decided the marriage was over but without actually ending it. What a coward.

I've calmed down more now. I won't be going through the emails to find out how much he spent, I don't care. I don't need the money, I'm fine and will be fine in the future. I just want the divorce ASAP.

I don't care about her either to be honest. I get the impression she's not a strong person and he's going to take advantage of that, but it's not my problem. Reap what you sow. Once they move in together and there's arguments over cooking dinner and cleaning the bathroom, he'll soon be looking for excitement elsewhere.

I've told my mum. She'll tell my dad. My dad didn't like him anyway, admitted that when I said we'd separated. My takeaway from that is going to be that if I ever get the impression my daughter is unhappy in a relationship, I'm going to let her know I'm there for her and will support her whatever she needs, and she does not need to stay in a relationship that is no longer good.

Thank you for letting me get things off my chest here. It saves me from making rash, emotional decisions. You are helping to ground me. I know I'm strong and I will get over this. I'm a nice person (if a bit too trusting and naive), financially solvent, not bad looking for 50. He'll always be a cheating shit.

Thinking of ways to get revenge is fun though, even though I won't carry them out. I know he's booked a holiday, I know the resort but not the hotel. It's one of the places I look after at work, he's so fucking unoriginal. All the places in the world, and he chooses there. I really wish I could find the hotel, it would make me laugh if it's somewhere we've been on holiday.

Yes, indeed. It was Sir James Goldsmith who said, 'When you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy'. She'd better watch her back!

In the meantime, provide your solicitor with this new information and then hit the bastard as hard as you can for as much as you can. Be ruthless.

@youlied I'm so sorry you've been caught up in similar. I felt embarrassed too, I wonder why that is? What patriarchal bullshit means the woman feels bad that her husband couldn't keep his marriage vows.

My goodness, that's awful, what a way to find out 😯 Not that there's a good way, but at least I've been at home, in private.

It was probably 'happy' because he was having the affair.

Narcissists are happy when they have their supply.

What I don't understand is how they're able to keep it up, two homes, two women with expectations and demands, children, work. Surely it's exhausting? How can you keep it upfor years?

I don't get how it's even possible

Tell his parents too!

I’m so sorry OP, but at least you’re strong and know where you’re going forward. All I would do though, I would actually tell everyone now about the affair and why you’re actually divorcing. No details etc just ‘d’h started an affair in 2012, it continued up until we divorced, I couldn’t live with it any longer, type of thing.

This, and think of it as he spent the best years of his life with you. Think what she will have to look forward to, his hairy ears and nostrils, cutting his toenails for him because he can’t reach, his scuzzy underwear to wash, a dribbly prostate and getting up three times a night for a wee and all the other grumpy old man traits. Not to mention looking over her shoulder every five minutes to see if he is eyeing up some younger prospect.

Whereas you will be fancy free, can book that hotel you have dreamed of for a holiday, make your own decisions , and if you feel like it, look around for someone to enjoy life with.

Bloody hell that’s horrendous of him!
I would be telling all in sundry what an arsehole he is.

And a lot of the time they subconsciously have blame and resentment (because they can't accept total responsibility) and higher expectations like:

I gave my marriage up for you.

I went through all that stress and lost half my assets and income for you.

I upset my parents - god what a way to be introduced to the family - and ex in-laws and suffered the loss of my reputation to family, friends, and colleagues for you

I lost my children and my wife who is now looking better than ever and can't stand the sight of me and has another man in her bed for you

You better make it worth it! This better be worth it!

The residual resentment and the passive aggressive behaviours and snidey comments will definitely manifest themselves once reality hits. It's worse because they can't talk about it, having locked themselves into the messy scenario they created. The relationship has to work

Imagine the pressure! No thanks. You defo got the better deal OP you're the winner, no matter what!

Also, tell your mum, you’re not the bad one here- you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. You shouldn’t have to take on the pressure of putting in a brave face whilst she stays.